Fade out or Fracture?

Sometimes you can feel it when a friendship has reached it’s shelf life. It’s not that you don’t like your friend, or that they have done anything wrong in particular, you just feel deep down that you don’t really have much in common anymore, or you don’t find the return of the investment versus the time you put into it to balance.

Most of the time this is not a decision a person comes to lightly. It is a feeling long before it becomes a thought and then it stays a thought for some time before any action is taken. Most of us do consider ways we could improve the connection, or consider the circumstances and if they are likely to change. However, sometimes the simple fact of the matter is that you have outgrown each other and the things that once brought you together no longer exist!

It is ok to let friendships go. For all you know, your friend might be feeling the exact same way. Nobody wants to catch up with a friend because they feel they have to. And nobody wants to be that obligatory friend either. The question at this point has often changed from not if you should let them go, but how and when you should let them go.

We will start with the when, because that might be the easiest place to start. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets and the heavier you feel about it. Not to mention the resentment that starts building inside which may cause you to actually be “looking” for any small infractions as reasons to end the friendship. This almost always backfires, by the way, and usually becomes pretty obvious if you break up with a lifetime friend over something minor like they accidentally smashed your favourite mug. So the sooner you do this, the better. The only exception is if your friend is going through some major drama in their life outside of you, such as the death of a loved one, loss of a job, health crisis or any other number of circumstances that would otherwise make their life harder than it needs to be.

Other circumstances are not a good reason to postpone your exit from their life, such as a birthday, Christmas or other celebration/event, held tickets to an upcoming show or event etc… There will never be an ideal moment. Life is an ongoing roster of these types of things and if you are using them as excuses to postpone, perhaps you aren’t really ready or don’t actually want to end it. Or maybe you are just frightened of confrontation!

If you are, the slow fade out method may be for you. This is when you slowly put more and more distance between yourself and your friend. You’re too busy to catch up, you check in less and less over time, slowly stop responding to messages or don’t carry the conversation on when you get them. If you are lucky perhaps, your friend might not even notice. Or they might be grateful you appear to be on the same page and no conversation is ever even necessary! This is so good because if you bump into each other in 5 years and suddenly you both have kids or dogs or some other factor in common the door is still open to reconnect without awkwardness or hurt.

However, more often than not, the feeling is not mutual. And that is why you have thought about it for so long! You aren’t a monster! You don’t want to hurt them, you just don’t really want to be their friend anymore. Except there is no friendly way to say that to someone, as it is an unfriendly feeling! So what are your options?

The first one is to ask for some space. If your friend respects boundaries and picks up what you are putting down, they will probably leave you well alone after this and understand the status quo. So you explain to your friend that you have some big things going on in your life, and you need to focus on other things and so you wont be around as much, but that it isn’t personal. Then you proceed to take space. If they contact you, you take weeks to respond with vague apologies and more busy excuses. You do this until they stop bothering to try and move on with their life. This is effective, but does require them to give up eventually and it will play on your conscience.

Sometimes though, no matter how hard you try, the friend just wont take the hint. If you are going through some things, they want to be there for you to support you even if that isn’t what you want and if you try to explain it accusations will be thrown about you pushing them away. Which is your cue to be honest and real and tell them that yes, they are right, you are pushing them away and that is what you feel you need right now. Thank your friend for their understanding and patience, wish them well and explain that this is about you not about themselves.

It wont always be received well. Initially a person will not understand what is happening. When messages go unanswered they may start calling and asking if you are ok. You will start feeling super guilty each time you ignore them, and if you have ever been ghosted, you will know that leaving without a trace and without a word can be traumatic. You don’t want your friend wondering what they did wrong for the rest of their lives, when the truth was that you just weren’t feeling it anymore.

They will ask for reasons and examples, and will probably bargain with you to try and fix things. Remind yourself that although this is frustrating if your mind is made up, that you owe them the conversation and that they obviously still care enough to try. It is hard when one party makes a decision for you both that impacts both parties. Give them time to process the information and allow them to be upset. You are probably not the right person to console them though.

The other option is to get in first, before the questions and calls start coming. It may be the cowards way out, but this is most often done by method of the written word. Letter, email, direct message or text. This is usually executed after a few unanswered communications from them but before they have started to worry that anything is wrong.

In this final correspondence, try to think more about them than yourself. Write about their good qualities, the fond memories you hold of them and always will. Explain your reasons if you can, but try to avoid blame. Keep your reasons about you, and what you want for your future, and not about what was lacking in them. Tell them you are not in a place to offer them the type of friendship that meets their needs and that they do deserve someone that can. Thank them for being part of your life story and wish them all the best for the future. But make it clear that you are ending the friendship. They may or may not respond, you cannot control that, but you do not need to respond or even read it if they do.

Just remember if you do send the dear john letter, it will be shown to others, and one day when you bump into them, you may live to regret it. It could make things for your future self a bit more awkward and complicated. Then again, that may never happen or you may never care if it does. We have to live for today as tomorrow is never guaranteed is it?

So do what you need to do in the kindest way you can, and know within yourself sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and that one unkind action does not make you an unkind person. Friendships are mean to be voluntary and authentic, and if you are stringing someone along out of obligation, that is neither. So it’s not really a friendship anyway and you’ll both feel better eventually after you cut it off!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Fill In Friend

When someone wrote in to tell me about a best friend situation, it was one I felt I could relate to, from both sides of the story! The gist of the story goes like this. You are sitting around minding your own business, and then suddenly you meet them. You quickly become besties and you don’t even know how you were getting by without this friendship before. Time flies when you are having fun, so before you know it a year or 2 has passed and you feel pretty secure with bestie. You have talked about your lives, and you are aware of a friend they had in the past, with whom they have lost contact for some reason. You have swept it under the carpet and haven’t given it too much thought, figuring their loss is your gain! Then, somewhat suddenly they rekindle their former friendship with bestie and you find yourself feeling cast aside and used! Were you ever friends, or were you just a placeholder or fill in for this other person during their leave of absence from bestie’s life?

I don’t know if this is good or bad news, but this certainly does happen, at the end of the day. But it isn’t as simple as that, well, not while it is happening anyway. I am going to draw on my own experiences here, and hope that it helps uncomplicate the complicated.

I have lost friends, and it hurts, especially when they were lifelong, or extremely close friends. When I have been in this situation, naturally it seems like a good plan to make new friends! I tend to be a pretty friendly person, and don’t always struggle to make new connections if I want to. And after a loss, the soil is pretty fertile to sew new seeds. Perhaps the best way to describe it is a serial friendship monogamist? From one straight to the next because I like connecting with people and building those in jokes and other intimacies, creating memories and having that person in your corner to turn to.

When I make these connections, they are not fill in’s. They are genuine and so are all the feelings involved! And as friendships are not monogamous, despite my earlier reference, if old friends come back into play, having new friends won’t deter me from rekindling old connections. It is always my genuine intention to maintain all of the connections, however life doesn’t always work that way does it?

Sometimes old connections are easy to get lost in, because they are established and patterns and habits fall back into step so naturally you hardly realise it. Not to mention when you reconnect with people after some time apart, you want to spend time together catching up on all the wonderful  things that you missed!

I think it is also important to point out that one person only has so much time at their disposal, and so when you add more people, the slice of time for each person gets smaller. I have found that this can be particularly hard for newer friends to withstand. It can indeed create jealousy and insecurity, rightly or wrongly. Friends can be possessive too sometimes!

Other times, depending on where you are at with your newer connections, you may have just hit that spot where the honeymoon phase is over, and you start seeing the person in a different light. The more time you spend with someone, the more you get to know them and discover all their quirks and bad habits that rub you the wrong way. If your old friend happens to re-enter your life at a moment when you are already questioning your friendship with the new person, that can be enough to make the newest foundation crack under the pressure of comparison.

Or it is also possible that because you were vulnerable and lonely when you met the new person, you were determined to make it work and cling to a friendship that wasn’t quite the right fit for you, but you felt better about letting it go when you weren’t so lonely. I didn’t say it was right, only that it is true.

In different circumstances you may have misunderstood a lifelong connection with a friendship fling, the type that starts hot and heavy but usually burns itself out pretty quickly too.

I actually once had a friend whose life was a bit of a revolving door of phases. One month she was besties with person A, but then they upset her and it was on to person B etc… eventually person A would walk back through the door and the cycle would start again. But we don’t always see this about our friends, as we want to believe the best in them!

What I can tell you is that if you have lost a friend recently and it has left you wondering if you were just a fill in all along, is that you weren’t. Not intentionally. Your friendship was real. Your friend didn’t have a crystal ball. They couldn’t predict the future. They didn’t know their old friend would resurface, they thought it was over. They really believed you were the next best thing, and nobody can take away the memories you made together! That means something.

If your friend went back to their ex friend, and left you in the dust, and you have tried to salvage the relationship without success, please don’t allow this to tarnish other good connections with good people out there. No relationship comes with any guarantees. People are worth the risk. The right ones will stay. Or maybe they will come back in time. Only you can decide what is right for you.

Friendships really do ebb and flow, and come and go. Most people already know this and are ok with it. Don’t feel badly if you are still learning! I am too, that is why I write this blog, because the struggle is real! But it is also worth it! Friends forever or friends fornever, all my friends have been essentially good people I was lucky to have known and shared a part of myself with.

Please stop trying to tell yourself things are worthless or unreal if they don’t last. Please don’t give up on yourself or friendships in general. Live and learn, that is all you really can do anyway. If someone wants to leave your life, hold the door open for them. Then, later you can decide if you want to open it again should they knock. But don’t be putting any locks on, as you will only lock yourself in trying to lock others out!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Railroading Resentment

Sometimes we want something so much, that we kind of railroad our friends into things they weren’t really interested in doing. The concert you really wanted to see and didn’t want to go alone, so you guilted them into going with you even though tickets were expensive and you know they don’t like that genre of music? That pub crawl you dragged them along on, knowing they don’t drink, because then they are the perfect designated driver? That dress they couldn’t afford because it matched yours and how cute you were going to look?

I suspect most of us are guilty of this from time to time, and our friends give in because they love us and turn a blind eye, knowing that we now owe them a similar favour. These are minor infractions, generally done with harmless intent. However other times, the railroading is much bigger than we care to admit and it leaves us feeling resentful.

I had a friend once who would regularly agree to catch up with the kids, then suddenly have to leave because she had a migraine, and leave her children with me for the day so she could sleep it off. I felt I couldn’t really say no, she knew I didn’t have other plans, as she was my plans. Then I would feel resentful that I got tricked into babysitting, again, when I did not offer or want to babysit her kids. Her idea of friends was “other nice mums who do things for each other.” So this behaviour never seemed out of place to her and she didn’t seem to feel bad about it. I let resentment brew for far too long before I spoke up, but even once I did, the requests kept coming. I felt railroaded.

In another instance I told a friend I was trying to be mindful of my eating and I would prefer we arrange our get togethers outside of food. She said I was being unreasonable and food was an important and unavoidable part of life, and flat out refused to comply with my request, saying I could order a salad and she would be supportive of healthier choices. I suggested meeting for coffee, instead of lunch, seeing movies (where she could eat as much as she wanted to but I would refrain), walking around the shops, and just meeting at our houses instead of going out. And she’d agree. But inevitably there would be some reason why we had to grab lunch after the movie, or worse, she would cancel the movie, say she was busy and only available for lunch. If I wanted to see my friend, it had to include food. Not only did I become resentful, because I felt unheard, and railroaded, but I also started to question if our time together was about me, or if it was only that she wanted to go out to lunch once a week and needed someone to do it with?

In a third example, I asked my friend to be more present with me during our time together. I asked her not to be on her phone all the time and engage with me more fully. This friend insisted that they could pay better attention to me while they were busy with their hands playing games on their phone. And to be fair, when I quizzed her after a movie we watched together , she could answer my questions about the plot lines, characters and subtexts although she was playing games on her phone the whole time. However, it soon slipped back to “I just need to quickly email this person at work.” Or “I just have to call my mother back as she has been trying to reach me all morning” (And you were too busy with someone else to take her call but I am not important enough for the same courtesy?) Or “I just have to buy this item on ebay/marketplace/gumtree before someone else snaps it up.” And then we are right back where we started as she spends the entire time on the phone communicating with everyone but me!

Exasperated I complained to my psychologist that my friends don’t listen to me or respect my boundaries and that I always seem to end up going along with whatever it is everybody else wants to do, feeling unheard and disrespected and resentful. I admit, I suppose I wanted sympathy and for someone to agree that I was being railroaded! But that isn’t what I got. What I got was a question. “What was I going to do about it?” And there in lies the problem with resentment. I was resentful of them for my own behaviour. For my own inability to stand my ground. I could have stopped agreeing to hanging out with any of these people as I know what to expect and I don’t like it. I could have insisted the first person take her kids with her when she left and said I was going to make alternative arrangements if she was unwell. I could have attended restaurants with my second friend without ordering anything, but being happy to meet and chat. Alternatively I could be just as stubborn and say I can’t meet with you at lunch, only morning or afternoon coffee. I could have told my last friend it seemed like she was too busy to spend quality time and to let me know when she was more available. I could have said no to her playing games as a compromise to begin with when it wasn’t what I wanted.

I could have done lots of things. Instead, I let it go and let it go because I don’t want big confrontations. I know my friends will insist, push their views and aren’t interested in compromising, so I feel if I want it to work then it must be me who makes the compromise. Because I like these people. I wanted to still be friendly with them. But I wanted them to change so I didn’t have to.

I admit I have not quite conquered this yet. One friendship didn’t last the distance as a result, and the other 2 still push my boundaries. But I am getting better at controlling myself, and my expectations. I accept my friends want what they want from me and if I am unable or unwilling to change, then nothing will change as I cannot control them. I am doing better at just meeting the one friend for coffee instead of a meal or just eating less if I do agree to a lunch. I am getting better at accepting an hour with my phubbing friend (phone snubbing) where she can be more present than a few hours when she feels she needs to be productive and doesn’t have a few to waste.

But more than that, when I choose not to direct my resentment towards them, I start to feel more compassionate and understanding of why they are the way that they are. Of how stressed they each are about different things and I feel grateful I am not burdened with that stress. I understand my friend who cares for her entire family all the time just wants one nice hot meal out of the house away from anyone wanting anything for her, and I can’t really begrudge her that. (Although I can still choose not to eat.) I understand my other friend keeps herself busy to escape her demons and feel useful in a world where she is unsure of her worth and value if there is nothing to show for it at the end of each minute. I am grateful I do not live under such pressure and the need to escape myself and avoid my own thoughts. (Although I could be busier too, as we all have demons!)

When we understand that resentment is about a situation and that we contribute to that situation, if we don’t want to change, why should they? We can control how much we are railroaded. And we can acknowledge how resentment tends to unfairly colour our thoughts about our friends in very unfriendly ways.

It isn’t perfect, but it is a start. Control yourself, not others. Set your own boundaries and stick with them! But it doesn’t have to be concrete or inflexible. Most of the time maybe I wont meet for lunch, but if I feel like lunch that day then why not? Or find a restaurant I am happy to eat at after assessing the menu and meet there.

The only person who can really railroad you is yourself. Think about that, and turn that resentment into action! What can you do o change things?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends, and Friendships Matter!

Have you ever entertained the deep dark thought that you don’t matter to the people around you? Have you ever entered a crowded room and felt invisible? Have you ever tried to speak in a group setting and found you were ignored, spoken over or simply not invited to speak? Like nobody held space for you to share? Have you ever felt forgotten or insignificant when yours is the birthday nobody remembers or yours are the texts that go unread or unanswered? Have you ever felt like people only want to talk to you, for you to listen to them but not listen to you? Have you ever felt like people only want to speak to you when they want something, or that you have to be useful to people to continue your place in their life?

I am willing to bet that most people can say yes to at least one or two of these extreme dark thoughts. Thoughts which can be confused with facts if you aren’t too careful. But if most of us have felt at one time or another that we don’t matter to the people around us, it is more than just a problem on a personal level. It means people haven’t always treated us with like we matter to them, and that means we have also probably treated other people like they don’t matter to us either.

To think that there were times our nearest and dearest felt like they didn’t matter to us hurts, doesn’t it? Because of course they matter, even at those moments when you didn’t do much to show it, they still mattered, right?! That said, it is probably also true that we could all do a little more to show people that they matter. Not just to us, but just that they matter.

Listen when they need to talk, and don’t turn the conversation back onto yourself. Ask more questions. Follow up a while later to see how things have progressed. Greet them warmly when you see them and express how happy you are to be in their company. Make a date to get together again in the future. Answer messages, and send them sometimes too. Put a reminder in your phone at least once a week to do something to show people that they matter. Send a card, deliver flowers or a meal, buy an item they mentioned they needed. Every week, think of something you can do to let someone know that they matter to you, that you thought of them, that you like and love them.

Friends matter, friendships matter, and letting them know that they matter, matters! Our friendships are one of the ways that we all use to confirm to ourselves and each other that we care and that we matter. It is hugely important to the human psyche to feel that you matter. Which is different of course from knowing that you matter. I like to hope that most of us do know that we matter, inherently. Like we matter to our family etc…. but even outside of that external source, we matter.

So instead of using that feeling that we all get from time to time to dwell on how little we matter, we can choose to reach out to others and remind them that they matter to us. Because letting people know that they matter, is just as important for reminding yourself we are all interconnected. We all matter. We feel good when we give to others. Not to mention that often when you give, you receive. Or we reach out to speak to a good friend, to let them know we have been feeling down, to ask for help. People would rather know you needed help than having you waiting while getting sadder and sadder because they didn’t think to offer!

Covid and all the social distancing and isolation hasn’t helped. It hasn’t been healthy for us mentally. It is easy to forget we are all part of something bigger when our worlds have gotten so much smaller. It’s easier to allow the thoughts and feelings to seem like facts and go on an evidence hunt, keeping score of what we have done versus what others have not done for us. It’s easier to become so insular with your housemates that you forget about the people who maybe don’t have any. It is easy to escape your fears in work and projects and forget about other people.

But just because it is easy, doesn’t make it right. So we all need to work together in both remembering that we matter, and trusting that our friends are just a bit busy to remind us, and also making that extra effort to intentionally let people know they matter. To spend an hour a week dedicated to reaching out to people, planning nice words, gestures or surprises for them. Just because they matter. Reminding ourselves that we matter, our friends matter and that our friendships do matter too!

Words are a powerful tool. Just reaching out to tell someone how much they matter for no other reason but you care and you wanted to remind them is a good start. Just make sure your words and actions match. It is not enough to tell someone that they matter and not do anything that supports those words. So yes, by all means, send the message, but when they respond, really listen, and if there is anything you can do, however small, do it.

Mattering Matters!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Are you needy or do you simply need reciprocation in your friendships?

This is one of those posts that may be wildly popular and unpopular all at once. Because most of us have a needy friend, and most of us don’t consider ourselves needy. That said, it is probably also true that most of us have a friend who considers us as their needy friend, even if we aren’t actually aware of it!

So what does it feel like to be the needy friend? This may help you identify if you are or if you have a friend that is! It feels like one person is always the initiator. They always call first, text first, make invitations first and make plans first. They often wonder, quietly to themselves, if they stopped reaching out, would their friend even notice? Would they care? Would they be relieved? Would they reach out? It can feel like the other person is doing you some sort of favour by spending any of their precious time on you, even if what you are doing is actually servicing them in some way. It can feel like they don’t care, like they aren’t really listening to you, remembering the details or asking you questions about your life. It can be quite a painful and confusing experience. You love your friend and they are enjoyable to be around, when they are around…. Except it feels like they never are around all that much.

Alternatively, this is what it feels like if you have a needy friend. They never give you a chance to miss them. They reach out frequently, like as soon as they see you online you get the messages hitting your inbox. They call at least twice a week and push you to hang out and make plans every weekend at least. Although you enjoy them, somehow you always feel pressured. There is a sense of uneasiness when you see their name on your screen, AGAIN! You feel frustrated and annoyed because you are busy and never feel anything you offer is enough to satisfy them! Do they not realise you have a life? You are busy, you have work deadlines, family, a house to run and partner to tend to. You like hanging out with your friend, and you honestly wish you had more time for it, but short of early retirement, you don’t foresee that happening!

So here is the real eye opener, no matter what side of the fence you fall on! Your needy friend is not needy. Your needy friend simply needs, reciprocation! It is human nature to feel insecure if you don’t feel your effort and energy is being reciprocated. Nobody likes feeling that they are begging for someone’s attention or that they are somehow not good enough for anybody else. Particularly in friendship where those physical attractions do not play any role. And nobody is so busy that they can’t possibly make some time, because the truth is that people will make time for what is important to them.

Consider your busy schedule as it is, then consider that a family member (child/spouse/parent/sibling) becomes unwell and needs regular treatment at the hospital for 3 hours 3 times a week? You make time, things get done, and the world keeps spinning. Now that is an EXTREME example, but my point is the same. If you really wanted to, you could squeeze more time out of your schedule. Consider that you are currently single, but still busy with work, extended family, a house and kids or pets etc…. Then you meet a potential romantic partner….. suddenly you are making time for someone new, because you are invested and you want this person in your life. Hanging out with them is a priority, right? As it should be, of course!

However, this is what your needy friend craves. They want someone who seeks them out. They want to feel important enough to you that you would want to make time for them. They really like you enough to make time for you, regardless of what else they have going on. (To be fair, circumstances do tend to play a role here. If you have a large close knit family, a job that requires quite a lot of work in your own time, a house that requires a lot of maintenance and a partner who is also home on weekends etc…. you will find that you have less disposable time than someone with a smaller, less close family, in an established home that requires little attention, a job that you leave in the office, and a partner who works FIFO or shift work including nights and weekends etc…)

Your needy friend doesn’t want to make you feel bad, just as you don’t want to make them feel bad either! You probably cherish low maintenance friends who you can go for months without seeing and spend an hour together and for that to be enough to keep your friendship solid for the next year! On the other hand, your needy friend feels disconnected if that effort to keep in touch is lacking.

So here is the part of the piece that neither side is going to like very much. The truth is, you and your needy friend probably just aren’t all that compatible. You are giving as much as you are willing to give and they still feel like something is lacking. They feel disappointed if you only spend an hour together on the weekend and honestly don’t appreciate that you had to move mountains to make that hour happen. On the other hand, they feel underappreciated, ignored and, well, needy! Haha If you are the needy friend, please understand, you are not asking for too much, you are just asking for too much from certain people.

Your friendship is reciprocated, but your efforts are not. So stop making the effort, and find people you are more compatible with to make the effort for! That doesn’t mean ditching your less needy friends, but it means filling your social time with people who have the same desire as you for a stronger more consistent connection. You will all feel better if you do! And hey, maybe there is a small chance your less needy friends will miss you, and actually start making some more effort to keep you around.

What it comes down to is that some people don’t prioritise friendships, either because they do not have the time or they do not have the inclination. If you feel like the needy friend, then you probably do value and prioritise it, and that is wonderful, as long as you find your tribe of others who do too! As I said in the beginning of this post, most of us do have a needy friend (even if we also feel like the needy one to someone else!) Those are your people. Go where the love is. And if you don’t like those friends as much for whatever reason, your mission becomes to make new ones that you do like as much, who will make time for you.

We all deserve reciprocation, it is just about finding it where it lies and not trying to force it where it does not. There are more compatible matches out there for you, so find them! Every moment you waste chasing the attention of someone with none to offer, is a moment lost with a potential new friend who is also waiting for you to come into their lives!

Find your people and ease and reciprocation will follow.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Boundaries after the break up

What is the appropriate way to handle a situation when you have had a helluva heated argument with a friend, and then you have to associate, personally in a group or professionally? We read a lot these days about boundaries; both instating them and respecting the ones others instate! But what if we have different boundaries or ideas about how to behave?

What if one person instates a boundary that they do not wish to talk to their friend. That they will be polite, say hello, share necessary details, and otherwise avoid them. However their friend has opposing views or feelings, in their eyes, it is acceptable to make small talk, to appear to be friendly even if they are no longer friends. Does that mean that the second person is disrespecting the boundaries of the first?

Is there an appropriate course of action to take? If someone knows you don’t want to engage with them, and yet they continue pushing you into it, is this a violation of your boundaries? If they know they are putting you in a position to act against your values, by engaging with them deliberately in unwelcome small talk, is this ok?

Let’s say Danielle and Mary have an irreparable fracture in their friendship, however they are both part of a larger social circle that congregates in group settings often. Danielle does not wish to engage with Mary at all. She will say hello, however does not feel the need to talk about the weather with Mary. She would rather avoid all interactions. Mary however, feels embarrassed by their friendship fracture. She is insecure the rest of the group will side with Danielle. So at the next few group events, Mary goes out of her way to be friendly to Danielle. She always approaches Danielle to say hello when she arrives and she insists on lingering, trying to make polite small talk about the weather or the traffic or asking the whereabouts of other members.

This makes Danielle very uncomfortable and puts her in the precarious position of entertaining the charade or risk facing the judgement of the others if she is rude to Mary. It feels like a power play to Danielle. Mary knows she is making Danielle uncomfortable and yet persists.

Mary feels it is important to take the high road, she doesn’t want to appear petty to the group and she doesn’t want the silent tension affecting the rest of the group. She doesn’t really want to talk to Danielle either, but she feels it is the mature thing to do. This way, if Danielle refuses to engage with her, or if she is rude to Mary, it reflects poorly on Danielle and not on Mary.

Danielle has no desire to make Mary look bad to the group, she just doesn’t want to pretend that her and Mary are still friendly, when they are not. She is happy to acknowledge Mary, however she feels it is pointless to engage in needless conversations about nothing, when it would otherwise be appropriate and not uncomfortable for silence to stay between them.

Each time Danielle arrives at a function, Mary ill approach her directly and say hello. She goes out of her way to do this. It isn’t necessary, Danielle feels, as nobody would have noticed had she slipped into the room without greeting Mary, particularly if a group hello would have been fine. Mary insists on asking how traffic was, and if Bianca is coming, does Danielle know.

Danielle is annoyed. Mary could ask any of the other members about Bianca. Mary knows that Bianca and Danielle are not particularly close and there is no reason to expect Danielle would know anything about it. Why didn’t Mary ask Charlotte where Bianca is? They are close?

MARY “Hi Danielle, you’re late, was there a traffic accident on the way? Bianca isn’t here yet either, so I wondered if you were travelling together… obviously not. Do you know why she isn’t here?”

DANIELLE (loudly addressing the group) “Hello everyone! I Have arrived! No traffic or disasters, just unorganised as always! Charlotte, I see Bianca is not here tonight, is everything ok with her?”

Mary sits back down at the table next to Sheila and starts expressing frustration about Danielle, how that was very rude of her, how immature it was to snub her in front of the group like that. Danielle sits away from Mary near Charlotte and continues a conversation about Bianca, who isn’t here tonight because she is babysitting her niece tonight. She makes no mention of Mary.

Later in the evening Sheila approaches Danielle and asks why she didn’t talk to Mary. Danielle tells her they had a falling out, and she doesn’t wish to discuss the details, but would prefer to steer clear of Mary for her own wellbeing and for the sake of the group. Sheila says that Mary is upset and perhaps Danielle could talk to her. Danielle asks Sheila about her husband, who recently had surgery, and Sheila respects Danielle’s boundaries enough to let it slide.

Is Mary talking to Danielle as a power play? Is Mary disrespecting Danielle’s boundaries? Is Danielle being rude to Mary by refusing to engage her directly? Is that a power play? Is Danielle disrespecting Mary’s boundaries by refusing to “join her on the high road?”

I think sometimes common sense is required. I think Mary should not have made a fuss of Danielle’s arrival. When she failed to do that, I think Danielle could have addressed her directly and said “Hi Mary. Traffic was fine, you know me, I am always late! I have no idea about Bianca, you should ask Charlotte. But please don’t do this again in future, there is no need for us to pretend. I would prefer you didn’t engage me directly if at all possible, and I will return the favour. I’m certain you understand. Enjoy your night.” Mary should not have said anything about it to Sheila and it didn’t have to make the group uncomfortable.

Boundaries are rigid, whereas life requires flexibility. There is no reason both women couldn’t engage in a group conversation, however there was also no urgent need for them to directly conversate either. People don’t stop existing when we break up with them. We probably will see them and we probably will have to be cordial when we do. However there is no need to push people to talk needlessly, as there is no need to completely ignore someone either.

Both parties have to have some level of maturity to handle this in the best interests of the group, the greater good and not themselves. If they cannot do this, perhaps the group is better off without both of them?!

Thoughts?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Sharing is Caring

Last week I spoke about remembering to be a part of a team as much as you remember to have a team of friends around you. I spoke of the importance of knowing your role, of trusting your value, and of knowing when to allow space for your friends to turn to their other team mates.

That got me thinking about my friends other people more closely. While I contemplated that they may need to spend time laughing with their funny friend, or cuddling with their affectionate one, for example, it also means that they are members of other teams. It means their other friends may call on them to be of service, taking them away from me temporarily, and from themselves somewhat too.

I have one friend who prides herself on being the helpful teammate. If you need someone to drive you to the airport at 2am, you don’t have to ask, she’ll offer. If you need a curtain rail installed, she can do that. If you need something from the shops, she’ll get it for you. If you need a babysitter, she’ll volunteer. I recognise this is her way of getting validation, helping and being useful to others. Showing off her skills. Paying for your friendship. She’s the first to say “why didn’t you ask me?” if she finds out you called a plumber for a leaky tap, or cancelled plans because you couldn’t get a sitter.

I love this about my friend. I love what a jack of all trades she is, and how helpful she truly is in her heart of hearts. I have learned to depend on her for practical things and to accept emotional things aren’t her strong point. What has been harder to accept, if I am honest, is how her usefulness keeps her so busy, and unavailable to an extent.

That sounds ungrateful, doesn’t it? When you consider how much she has done for me, it kinda is, I know! But hear me out. Sure, she’ll swing by and fix your tap and pick up your kid, then take your kid with her to grab someone else’s kid too then take them both to the hardware store to go to her other friends place to hang that curtain rail, before shooting off from there, 2 kids in tow to pick up that friend who needs a ride to the airport. Then she’ll drop your kid home, but she can’t stay, she has to drop the other one home too, then meet someone else at the park to walk the dogs!

This makes her a strange blend of dependable but somewhat unreliable. She’ll be late, undoubtedly, because if she can fit in an errand for someone else on the way to you she will. There are always people asking her for everything, and she is never the type to say no. It also means, she is never really present. Any time you’re with her, she’ll be on the phone, 100% of the time, and, often running errands. Her other team members are relentless!

But I never really stopped to think, that when she isn’t with me, I am just as relentless as they are. Everyone is pushing and pulling for a piece of her, all the time. Now feels like an appropriate time to mention that it goes both ways. Myself, and her other teammates also do things for her, and she has a long list of things she needs help with too. Some help her with yard work, or caring for the pets when she is away, or doing electrical work at her house. Personally, I’m more helpful with her day job, or grabbing things for her at the shops if she needs it, or doing those airport runs.

Being part of her team will give you the same in return as whatever you invest. It isn’t without reward. That said, it has been difficult for me to accept and understand that quality time is not something she’s really able to offer. I spent much time wondering what was so good about all the other people in her life that they got more of her than I do. It took me a long time to understand that they don’t. None of us do.

It always felt somehow, and it still does sometimes, if I am being honest, like her other team members were on some executive level I could never reach. Like mine were the only calls that went unanswered, or like I was the only one not invited to the proverbial party. Yet, she said to me the other day in casual conversation that her best male friend had been upset that he suggested plans and she was busy with me. He had remarked that I monopolised her time and kept him from her. I was honestly shocked. It never occurred to me that he saw me as any sort of competition. Or that he also felt like she was unavailable to him and was looking for someone else to blame.

We are all saying this and failing to notice the only person she never gets time for is herself!

The truth is, neither of us get as much of her as we would like. Nobody does. For whatever reason, she likes it that way. Or maybe she doesn’t, but regardless, that’s just how she is. I didn’t like the feeling that her friend felt resentment towards me. I hadn’t tried to keep her away from him, I knew how important he was to her. I long ago accepted he was somewhat more like family to her in a way I know I will never be, in a way I am not capable of being, or interested in being!

What struck me too, as I contemplated this, was that although she goes out of her way to help us all, in return all we do is make her feel like it is never enough. All she wants, deep down, I know, is to please us all. An impossible dream no matter what your friend number! So, I had to learn, sharing her is caring for her.

What this means is I ask for less. Less time, less favours, less attention. I expect and allow her other people to take up what space I do manage to create for us, or, I free her of obligation to me if I cannot tolerate their presence. I notice, for example that she made time for every other person in her world this Easter, except me. And I smile as she calls to tell me all about her adventures. I help arrange chocolate free egg hunts for the youngsters of her other people, commented her house was perfect for hosting garden parties and asked questions about how her people were.

I have to choose to see how all this brought such happiness to my friend, and be happy for her that it did. She doesn’t need more pressure to make time for me too. I know she will make time when she gets a moment, and I owe it to us to wait for my turn. For now, she needs to be around her other people… the ones who are family to her. Easter is a time for family after all. That isn’t me, and that is ok. I’ll answer when she calls to tell me how they all irritated her, just like a good friend does.

When it’s my turn, and she’s on the phone to them, I’ll smile, in awe that she takes such good care of her people and how much she takes on for everyone else, and I will tell her she is amazing. Because caring for her means sharing her, and recognising everyone on her team is equal, there is just so many of us that there isn’t much left to go around. When she isn’t tending to me, I will know that she is tending to her other people, and I will remind myself that she is a wonderful friend, to us ALL.

Sharing, as it turns out, really is caring!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Even Best Friendship is a Team Membership

I have written here before about the magical number of friends I believe it takes to keep us happy. (Spoiler alert, the answer is 5, if you ask me!) I have also written about the benefits of this. About how you need someone who shares similar interests, someone who shares a sense of humour, someone who relates to your struggles, someone you can be fully yourself with, and someone with whom you share it all. I have compared friendships to romantic relationships and reminded readers not to expect one person to meet every single need they have, in either relationships or friendships.

All of that is sound advice and I live my life by it. However, recently I have noticed a pattern in my own life, whereby I seem to expect my friends to accept that they are my team members, to expect to share me with the other members of my team, and to understand each of them brings a unique value to my life, depending on what I need at the time. Whereas, I noticed that I have not really been accepting of the same in return.

Isn’t that interesting? Even more interesting is how long it has taken me to acknowledge this, even to myself. While I have come to a peaceful place about accepting none of my own team members can be, or should be, expected to meet every one of my needs, I was still holding myself to impossible standards about meeting every one of theirs.

And this works both ways!

Now, it sounds like this is going to be a post about being a crappy friend, because they have other people too, right? But it isn’t, I promise! Haha I still believe in being a good friend, in meeting the needs that I can. What I mean, is allowing space for their other friends to meet the needs that I cannot. To accept that there are needs that I cannot meet. For example, I pride myself on being a non-judgemental space for my friends to tell me anything and everything. This tends to mean that they do. Close conversation, being a safe space to turn to, or being a soft place to land is my specialty. All of my favourite 5, are people that tell me pretty much everything. They all call me a best friend, even if that label is not an exclusive title.

What this means, however, is that sometimes I find myself feeling slighted when they actually turn to someone else. When space grows between us at times, I find myself wondering, what I did wrong, or what I could do better in the future to avoid this space. It has only just recently occurred to me to view myself as a member of their team. I suppose, as opposed to seeing only them as members of my own.

Everyone has their own team! I am one option, not the only one. And I might not always be the right fit. I have one friend who tends to withdraw into herself when she is going through something. Her withdrawal frightens me. Makes me wonder why she isn’t talking to me. Triggers my insecurities I suppose. If I find out she was hanging out with someone else at the time of her withdrawal from my own life, I wonder why she felt she couldn’t turn to me and talk it through.

I will be here when you need me, and wait for you when you don’t, or when you need someone else instead.

This is narrow minded, I realise. Because obviously my friend is not yet ready to talk it through. Maybe what she needs is to laugh with her funny teammate. Or perhaps she needs to busy herself in hobbies with her shared interests team member? Both of these seem obvious, when I say them out loud like this, yet, honestly the simplicity has been lost on me until now. I have honestly thought about how I could be more fun, or what interests my friend and I could share, so she could still turn to me. It sounds ridiculous now.

Sure, I could be more fun or share more hobbies. Being a more well rounded friend, or even person, should always be encouraged. However, when I think about it, I have my own people I turn to for those things. So it seems a double standard for me to expect to be the person to whom she turns to at all times if she isn’t always the person I turn to either. And to take it personally is only hurting our friendship, and, well, me! Instead of viewing my friend as a whole person, I am only seeing her through the lens of the role she plays in my life. Does that make sense?

I guess it would be fair to say that I obviously get a sense of validation from my friends. Although I can’t say if that is entirely healthy, I suspect it isn’t. I also suspect it’s fairly common and fairly normal, to an extent. However when I expect to be a friends everything, I stop seeing her as a person and instead see her as a source of personal validation. My desire to be the person she always turns to becomes about me being a good friend rather than about her and what she actually needs.

So, I conclude, I need to acknowledge that I am a member of her team every bit as she is a member of mine, and be grateful for that opportunity. Not to mention to be grateful for the others on her team for fulfilling her in ways that I can’t. To acknowledge that I don’t have to and it doesn’t make me a bad friend.

If you can relate to this too, I’d say that our insecurities have prevented us from understanding what our friends already do. Simply put, we are enough, just as we are. We don’t have to be more, to be everything to be valued. Be the best you that you can be, and you are the best friend that you can be.

Trust that when you are what your friends need, they will turn to you. When they need to turn to someone else for a while, figure out what it is YOU need, and which of your team members can fulfil you in that need. Remember that while you are a part of your friends team, you also have a whole team to support you. There is no I in team! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Mothers are our first friends

I know not everybody has a close relationship with their mother. Even mine has not always been close. It has been a blessing of extra time that has allowed me to rectify that in my own life, whereas I know others may not have been as lucky.

As a society, we tend to look at our parents, and our mothers in particular, to pin point all the ways they went wrong in raising us. To blame them for our issues. To recall specific events or moments in time that scarred us for life. Ok. Your mother wasn’t perfect and neither was mine. But the majority of mothers are doing the best they can under immense pressure.

If a child is sick, it is generally expected that the mother will take time off work. Or arrange alternative care. As if she doesn’t feel guilty enough already for working outside the home! Except if she doesn’t work outside the home and then she feels guilty for not contributing and being another burdensome dependent. Many studies have proven women are still expected to do more of the house and caregiving duties on top of working and often cooking too. She is usually responsible for paying the bills, making sure kid’s lunches are made, uniforms are washed, and that anybody who has costume day at school has a costume and the obligatory gold coins to raise money. She is the one arranging doctor’s appointments and teacher’s meetings. She is the one behind the scenes making sure everyone else’s life runs as smoothly as possible.

Remember that wonderful birthday party you had as a kid? Yeah, she was behind that. She bought the stuff, after budgeting for it well in advance, and spent all night making the castle cake from woman’s day. She put up the decorations. She bought and wrapped the gifts. She sent out the invitations. She navigated the RSVP’s. For her birthday that year you probably did nothing. If you were anything like my kids are now, you probably complained as though it was torture when you were asked to sign your own name in the card that someone else bought!

Of course, you were a child, right? That was a mother’s role! But I bet many of you as adults have still never bothered to put in as much effort into her birthday as she put into yours?! Instead, you focus on the times she wasn’t at assembly to watch you get that award, or the times she left you with the sitter even though you were sick and you needed her. You know why those memories stick out? Because they were probably few and far between.

It was your mother who helped you mend your friendships along the way. It was her who helped you with your first resume and drove you to and from that part time job, and everywhere else so you could have a social life. She put hers on hold, if you think about it, so you could have yours. She was the one believing in you and cheering on the sidelines. She was the one consoling your broken heart.

Now that I am a mother myself, and I openly acknowledge that I did not and could not appreciate this before then, I had no idea how much of herself my mother gave me. How much of herself she lost or put aside in order to be my mother. A title that by nature requires you not to be anything else at the same time and never ever to make any mistakes.

My mother took me to playgroup. She took me to the park. I ignored her there and played with other kids. As I got older, she took me shopping in an attempt to bond, and I really just used it as an excuse to get new things and complain. When I suffered heart breaks, she tried to talk to me and I shut her out, desperately wanting my independence from her nosy and unwelcome influence. When she asked for the smallest acts of help around the house, I retorted that I was not her slave. (No, she was mine!)

I never asked her how her day was. I never made any effort. I never appreciated anything she did for me. I never acknowledged that she was her own woman with hopes and dreams and feelings of her own. I didn’t listen when she tried to tell me about her childhood. I broke her heart every step of the way. And yet she never gave up on me.

This mother’s day I want to thank her for all that she did. Point out that I remember colouring in with her, playing games (and being a sore loser) washing my dolls clothes with tiny pegs, having little tea parties and picnics, going on shopping trips and camping trips and holidays. Thank you for doing so much to try and make sure I had a happy life. For putting yourself aside and always doing your best.

Thank you for our movie days and long lunches and all the babysitting you have offered my kids so that I can enjoy the things you didn’t get to on your own motherhood journey. Thank you for supporting this blog and never holding my ungratefulness against me.

Thank you for trying to better understand me when you would rather not, for accepting my partners and pets even when they weren’t what you would have chosen for me. For helping me have a place to live and then a place to own when times were tougher. You really have gone above and beyond, and I really do acknowledge everything big and small you have done selflessly every step of the way. Things you continue to do. Things you never complain about doing.

You were my first friend, even if I didn’t see it that way at the time, you are my oldest friend, and I really cherish every moment I have to get to know you as a friend. To finally listen to your stories and your own hopes and dreams, triumphs and failures, friendships and family.

Happy Mother’s Day Mumma. I love you. But more than that, I like you. Thank you for being the best friend I could ever ask for and more.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is it over? Is my friendship ending? 4 signs your friendship is fading

I am going to go ahead and assume most of my readers have ended a friendship or had one ended for them. Sometimes it is neither, and both at the same time, but either way, it ends. And it is ok. Friendships end. It really sucks and it really hurts and often it isn’t one person’s fault, but it does happen. This is a fact of life.

Sometimes you know it is over, or you sense something is off. The ending may have been looming for a while. Now this is not true of every case. There certainly are times when you feel completely blindsided by the ending, and you waste time after the fact going over things in your mind to search for the clues you missed beforehand.

This article hopes to point out some clues that your friendship might be headed to an ending or just drifting apart. What you do about that is up to you and your friend. Maybe you try and salvage it, or maybe you let it end or maybe you end it directly. There isn’t a right or wrong one size fits all solution. But if you are worrying about a certain friendship or wondering retrospectively, here are some signs.

You have nothing in common or nothing to talk about anymore.

Maybe these should be separate signs, because it is certainly possible that having nothing in common means you have plenty to discuss, as long as each of you is interested and invested in what the other has to say, whether or not the subject matter is of personal interest to you. But the reason I have kept these 2 together is because they tend to go hand in hand.

Remember when you were both crazy about the same pop group in your young teenage life, or when you both hated the same boss in your early 20’s? Remember when it was all you could talk about and you would easily fill the hours?

Maybe you used to love op-shopping together, spending every Saturday leisurely browsing the charity shops in love of a good bargain and then stop for an even more leisurely late lunch on the way home? Then your friend got a promotion and started earning the big bucks, and her passion for expensive fashion bloomed, while you stopped working when you married and had a couple of kids who now accompany you begrudgingly instead?

Now when you catch up for lunch she lets out a frustrated sigh every time your child interrupts your conversation, and even when the kids aren’t there she is never off the phone taking business calls and responding to emails. That said, without the interruptions, what is left? You know nothing of her world and she isn’t especially interested in yours either. You don’t relate anymore, so the interruptions are actually a bit of a welcome relief to each other’s pain… or painful silence.

You never speak or spend time alone anymore.

You used to be as thick as thieves, even in a group situation it was like nobody else existed as you were drawn together, huddled up talking, or sharing private jokes and cackling on the sidelines of whatever the group was doing. Then slowly it started changing. One of you invited a third into the mix, which made the other one feel pushed out. In response they spent time with other members of the group until it reached the point that you never actually talk anymore although you do hang out with the same people.

You might not be sure if this was a deliberate act. It may not have been as deliberate or conscious as your brain allows you to believe, but this is a sure fire way to dilute the closeness between 2 friends. It is a covert way of stepping back. Stepping back from a friendship may be something someone needs to do for themselves for whatever reason, however, often times it just kind of happens. One person forms a close connection to someone else and realises what other cool people they have been missing while focussing solely on you for example. So they start expanding their circle, or options if you will, leaving you little choice to do much else in return.

There are insurmountable issues between you.

If one of you has betrayed the trust of the other in some big way, or put your friend at odds with their values or put them in a terrible position, this can be a death sentence for a friendship. And it isn’t always as immediate as you  might imagine. One person may try to forgive the other and may want to repair things, however finds themselves unable, wanting space and creating distance even while trying to pretend that everything is fine. When clearly it isn’t. I usually find the best way to find out is to ask. If you tell a person you feel that something is off between you, and they insist you are wrong, then they aren’t interested in fixing the issue, are they? If a friend doesn’t care that you feel less close, you can take it as a fairly good indication they don’t want to feel closer.

You aren’t there for one another

Ok, yes, life gets busy. It doesn’t matter if you have kids, or no kids, or a career or if you stay home. It doesn’t matter if you have elderly parents and grandparents to care for or if you have only your 10 cats and your routine. People are creatures of habit and we do what we do. Often times that doesn’t leave room for things like socialising. But if something big, good or bad, happens to you, and you try to contact your friend to let them know about it, and they leave you hanging for 3 days before getting back to you, then that is a fairly good indicator that they aren’t available to you. They probably are genuinely busy, it isn’t a personal slight at all, but regardless, you needed someone and they didn’t pick up the phone. It goes both ways, maybe it was you who forgot last time. The point is that you actually don’t really know what is happening in one another’s lives anymore because you aren’t really a part of it and you don’t have time to be either. Often it isn’t that you don’t want to be, but the timing in your lives is an obstacle right now.

Much of the time, it is some combination of these 4 factors, more than any one of them alone. The good news is that it often means your friendship is drifting apart for now. I know that doesn’t sound or feel like good news. But if you let it fade out and drift away, you never know when the tide might wash you back in the same direction again later. Kids grow, people retire, people go through things that make them realise what matters most is the people and relationships in their lives and not all the other things. On the other hand if you cannot stand the ambiguity, if you must know and assign blame and insist that it be what it was or nothing at all, then that may be harder to recover from in the future.

The choice is yours, but meanwhile, I recommend investing less in this particular friendship for the time being, both in time and thought and focus on someone else who is more available or in a similar place in life. Reduce your expectations of your current friendship, and accept that for now, it is going through a phase that will be less close, perhaps indefinitely. Easier said than done. I know that. But what other choice do you even have, realistically? It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, does it?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Perspective is personal reality, not reality, there is a difference

Over the last 2 weeks I explored a hypothetical, but common enough issue between 2 friends, Jessica and Yazmin. You can read these by clicking on their names if you missed them.

Regardless of which character you “sided with” or related to, both are valid. Jessica put much time and effort into spending time with Yazmin and felt that Yazmin did not appreciate her or treat her with the consideration and respect that effort warranted. Yazmin wished she had more time to put more effort and energy into being a better friend, however her life circumstances were such that she didn’t have the availability to show Jessica the attention and give her the time that she needed from Yazmin.

Jessica felt disrespected and unappreciated. Yazmin felt pressured and misunderstood. Neither woman really expressed herself to the other. Jessica didn’t tell Yazmin that she was really disappointed she could no longer keep their plans because of all the effort she had gone to. Yazmin did not know how much the evening had meant to Jessica. Yazmin thought it was a casual dinner with a friend, not a big deal.

Yazmin did not explain to Jessica all the other commitments she had in her life, or that day in particular. Jessica did not know it wasn’t particularly convenient for Yazmin to come to dinner, and all the other factors that may play into her availability for it. Neither one of them really considered what else might be happening with their friend.

If we consider that Jessica could have said in response to Yazmin’s text “Oh no! That is terribly disappointing! Can’t you even swing by and pick up some dinner in a take home pack, I am happy to give you some. I spent all day planning and preparing it and I would hate for it to go to waste. Sounds like you could use it. Or I could bring it to you if that is easier, that way we could still catch up? Shame you wont get to see my house otherwise, I cleaned like a mad lady today to impress you. It will never be this clean again! Haha”  The outcome for their friendship could have been much better?

Jessica was so busy thinking about herself and her hurt feelings, that she allowed a cancellation of plans to become a cancellation of their friendship.

But let’s not put it all on Jessica either. It takes 2 to tango after all. Let’s think about what Yazmin could have done. Yazmin could have called Jessica while waiting at the pharmacy and explained where she was and why. All that had led to that point in her day and all that she still had to do. She could have asked Jessica what she had prepared for dinner, then apologised and asked to reschedule for the next night or something if the dish could be frozen perhaps. She could have commented how much she appreciates all the effort Jess goes to and how patient she has been with Yasmin when she is so unavailable at the moment. She could have asked if there was any way she could make it up to Jessica and thanked her for her friendship. Reminded Jessica of how important she is as a friend. She could have asked about Jessica’s news.

Yasmin was so busy self loathing and being defensive to really consider why this was a big deal to Jessica. She didn’t even consider that Jess may have spent all day planning or had something important to discuss. She was busy thinking about how much was on her own plate, she got lost in what she couldn’t do instead of thinking about what she could manage. (A regular weekly phone call for example?)

Communication was lacking, certainly, but that is not all. Each woman’s feelings were dictated by her thoughts and her thoughts became actions. Emotions have this way of overcoming us, and then we react to them, without considering what the other person’s truth actually is.

Now, obviously if Yazmin often cancels, Jessica should take that into account when it comes to plans with Yazmin. She should lower not only her effort and investment to match a level Yazmin can sustain, but also her expectation of Yazmin. If she is Yazmin’s friend, she needs to care about Yazmin’s time constraints and understand that her lack of time is not a personal attack. And that she cannot control the outcome in her favour by putting in all the effort in the world, because the world is bigger than her.

Similarly Yazmin needs to be more considerate of Jessica’s need to feel connected and spend time with Yazmin. Although Yazmin can’t commit to long lunches, regular phone calls or email updates still show someone that you are making an effort and showing an interest in them too. She should put in more effort to match Jessica’s level of investment. If one comes down a notch and one comes up a notch they meet in the middle instead of ending up completely over because the other would not meet her on her own level.

This falling out was avoidable. Both of them valued the other, neither of them wanted it to end, and yet, it ended. Both of them were hurt. Both of them felt rejected, misunderstood and abandoned.

So readers, I challenge you, and myself, to be better. To question my feelings, and explore the other possibilities. To try and understand our friends better and think of what they need just as much we think about what we need. Then how to compromise and get both needs met in some way if possible.

That is different to ignoring consistent poor treatment, or lack of boundaries. It is asking for what you need, asking what it is they need and allowing them a chance to show you that you can both compromise enough. You can tell yourself that you shouldn’t have to beg your friend for time, or justify that you really are too busy and important for petty upsets like these, but Dr Phil said it best. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

Sometimes friendship means loving someone more when they least deserve it, as that is when they most need it.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Happy Easter

Happy Easter folks. I wont bore you with another article this week. Instead, here are some sweet memes to send to your friends for Easter, because there is nothing sweeter than friendship!

 ❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Jessica Vs Yazmin. A case study. Yazmin’s story.

If you missed the first half of the story, please read it here or in the post below.

YAZMIN.

Yazmin receives a call from Jessica. She doesn’t really have time to talk, she thinks, but she knows Jessica will be upset if she doesn’t take the call. Jessica has recently moved, and wants to have Yazmin over for dinner. Yazmin knows she doesn’t really have the time, but she agrees anyway. She can’t make 6pm she says, she can do 6.30pm though she tells Jessica. That should buy her enough time to clear the work meeting, and if she uses her lunch break to pick up her mother’s medication, she should then have enough time to drop it off on the way to Jessica’s. Then if she stay’s at Jessica’s for 2 hours, that should be enough time, she will still have time to give the cat his medication at 9pm. She can make it work, she reasons.

It’s a particularly stressful day at work. Her computer is down for 2 hours while maintenance try to solve the issue. Thankfully her work is recovered, however she has to complete it and she has lost 2 hours. It must get done by the meeting at 5pm when her boss will ask for it. She works through her lunch hour and manages to get it finished just on time. She emails it to the boss and calls the pharmacy to order her meds ahead of time, thinking she could get there by 6.15pm to collect them and then only be a few minutes late to Jessica’s. 

During the meeting, the boss clarifies that she wanted a hard copy of the project, not an email, and insists that Yazmin print it for her and place it on her desk. Yazmin is annoyed, she doesn’t have time to print it tonight, can’t her boss print it herself? Ugh.  She picks up her phone after the meeting and her mum has messaged saying she needs her to look at the laptop when she arrives as the internet has stopped working. Not tonight! Yazmin exclaims to herself loudly! She gets to the pharmacy at 6.15pm somehow, and then they tell her the prescription has expired, and they need her to call the doctor’s surgery to arrange another one. Her mother needs this medication for her heart.

She does the calculations, if it takes the doctor half an hour to send the prescription it will be 6.45pm and then 7pm by the time she gets to her mother’s. Then by the time she fixes her laptop it will be 7.30pm. It will be close to 8pm by the time she even makes it to Jessica’s and she has to leave at 8.30pm at the latest. She decides to shoot Jessica a short message to cancel while she is on hold with the doctor’s office. She knows Jessica will be upset, but she is glad she has cancelled when the doctor takes an hour to send the prescription not half an hour!

It is 7.30pm by the time she gets to her mother’s, and 8.30pm before she leaves there to head home after getting the internet connected again. (She had to plug it in with an ethernet cable, so she will have to call the telecommunications people tomorrow to come and fix it properly.) When she gets home, it is 9pm. She takes the cat’s medication out of the fridge, throws a frozen meal in the microwave and mixes the cat’s medication in with his food.

Of course he refuses to eat it! Could this day get any worse?! Ugh. Flopping onto her pillow, she picks up her phone. She expects an angry response from Jessica, but when she checks the message and sees no response at all, she knows she is in trouble. She thinks back over the brief phonecall and rushing Jessica off the phone. She thinks about how she is the last friend who hasn’t made the effort to see the new house. She thinks about the last time she cancelled. It isn’t that she doesn’t want to spend time with Jessica, it’s just that time is a very limited resource for her right now. She thinks about how that makes her a bad friend, not just to Jess, but to everyone. She is always letting people down.

How can I make it up to Jess, she wonders? She decides she will apologise again and offer to cook for Jess. After all, Jess is always the one hosting and cooking, wouldn’t it be nice to be invited somewhere else? And, to be honest, it would work better for her, as she is eventually home every evening anyway, so it would be more convenient to reduce one more stop or pressure of a place to be. And even if she doesn’t get time to actually cook, they can order in.

She texts Jess. “Just got home! Long day! So sorry about tonight. Work is a nightmare at the moment. Next time for sure though, I’ll cook to make it up to you?”  She sees the three dots. She is relieved that Jess is typing something, anything. She has a chance to salvage this.

The response comes in fast and cutting. “There will be no next time. In future I will only invite friends who appreciate me and value my time.  Don’t bother texting me ever again!”

Yazmin throws her phone on the floor and brings her knees up to her chest. “It always comes down to this” she sobs to herself. “Why am I never good enough? Never enough at all?” She is sad, but she feels something else, something darker. Anger. Resentment. Jess doesn’t understand what Yazmin is dealing with, how little time she has and how busy she really is. She would love to be free for dinner. Doesn’t Jess consider how much she wishes she just skipped out of work and could socialise all night every night? But with her father recently passing and her mother struggling physically and emotionally…. Not to mention her elderly cat who needs constant care. And the bills. The bills for everything are through the roof. She needs to put in the extra hours to get the money, and the promotion. Things wont always be this busy, can’t she cut me some slack and be patient?

Anger passes, and self doubt starts creeping in. “I am a lousy friend, she probably is better off without me. I will hurt her again because I just can’t give her what she needs. I just don’t have time for friends at this point in my life. I would probably not want me as a friend either. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want to keep disappointing her either, so I will respect her wishes not to hear from me. I can’t deal with any of this now.” It is almost a relief, one less thing to worry about and try to make time for. One less person making demands of her…..

She pulls up the covers and falls asleep almost instantly. She is exhausted.

So these are the 2 sides of the story. Maybe you relate to one more than the other, but the point is they both have merit. Each is fact for the person experiencing it. But where is the middle ground?

Come back next fortnight so we can explore this some more. (Next week this broadcast will be interrupted to celebrate Easter! Sweet! haha)

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Jessica Versus Yazmin. A case study. Jessica’s story.

I want to start this post by saying that I am as guilty of this as any other person. The reason I have this knowledge is by self reflection and observation of others. I also want to add that I am not telling anyone to ignore their intuition, however I am advising everyone to screen their thoughts and know which is intuition and which is insecurity.

Had I come to this insight sooner, perhaps some of my former friendships may still be current ones.  This is because, as I have talked about before, feelings are NOT facts. However they do influence our thoughts, and the human mind tends to follow thoughts like a trail of facts. This can take us on a fact finding mission to support our theory. Friendships are not puzzles to be solved, even if friends may well be!

So what does all this mean? It means that perhaps a friend has let you down in some way. For example, maybe a friend has cancelled plans on you at the last minute without explanation, or for a seemingly small reason? Let’s explore that from both sides.

Jessica has invited Yazmin over for dinner at 6pm. Yazmin has agreed to come to Jessica’s dinner, however, states that she cannot arrive until 6.30pm as she has a meeting after work that day until 6pm.

JESSICA

Jessica is excited today, as she has plans to have her friend Yazmin over for dinner. She has big news to share with her friend, and really can’t wait to see her so they can talk. As today is her day off work, she has time to prepare. She gets up early to plan the meal. She loves cooking for people, as it is her specialty and it is one of the ways she enjoys showing the important people in her life love and care. She knows Yazmin is gluten free and a vegetarian. She is excited to try something new, and has sourced a recipe for spinach and ricotta zucchini cannelloni, and made a list of all the ingredients to buy. After she gets the groceries home, she starts crafting the pasta out of zucchini. It takes ages and she has to go back to the shop to get more zucchini. While she is out she stops at the bottle shop and the florist too, for a table setting and some wine. She wants it to be perfect.

Once the meal is made, she sets about doing the dishes from all the prep work, and tidying up the house. She cleans the bathroom, scrubs the toilet, vacuums and set’s the table. She even does some yard work out the front as Yazmin has not been to her house before and she wants it to look pleasing. By the time all that is done, it is 4pm. Jessica realises that she has been so busy she didn’t even eat lunch! Oh well, she jumps into the shower, selects a nice outfit and does her hair. Just in time to pop the meal in the oven, and whip up a quick dessert.

At 6.15pm the meal is in the oven, she puts the dessert in the fridge and opens the wine. Then she gets a text from Yazmin that reads “Meeting running late, won’t make dinner tonight after all, sorry. Rain check? x”

Jessica slumps down on the couch. All that effort has been for nothing! She thinks of the casual way Yazmin has cancelled, by text not by phone call. Yazmin always texts! Jessica thinks to herself that Yazmin has wasted her day off, and has not even acknowledged how important tonight was to Jessica. Or the effort that she put in. She bet’s Yazmin wouldn't be happy if someone did that to her. Why couldn’t she just come a little later? They had plans. She should have excused herself from the meeting and said she had a prior engagement. That is what Jessica thinks she would have done if the tables were turned. But Yazmin doesn’t prioritise me, she reasons.  The more Jessica thinks about it, the more she starts to believe that Jazmin doesn’t really care about her. She starts making a mental list of all the other times Yazmin has let her down. Maybe Yazmin isn’t such a good friend after all. She is distracted by the smell of burning! Oh No! Dinner is burnt to a crisp. While taking it out the oven, she burns herself on the hot pan. She crumples to the floor in tears of frustration and anger.

Later that evening, as she looks in the fridge for something to eat, as she hasn’t eaten all day, she pulls the dessert out and eats the whole lot herself. It makes her angry that her friend isn’t there to taste it, as it really is quite nice. But Yazmin will never know that now!

Yazmin texts her again, when she gets home from work and realises that Jessica hasn’t responded to her message.  “Just got home! Long day! So sorry about tonight. Work is a nightmare at the moment. Next time for sure though, I’ll cook to make it up to you?”

This is the last straw for Jessica. “There will be no next time” she hastily texts “In future I will only invite friends who appreciate me and value my time.  Don’t bother texting me ever again!”

That night she lies in bed staring at her phone. Waiting for a response from Yazmin. Wondering if it will come. Although she told Yazmin not to text her ever again, what she really wants is for Yazmin to call. To ask about her news. To acknowledge how much effort Jessica had put into today and how much she wanted to see her friend. She wanted Yazmin to want to fix things, to be truly sorry, to make an effort. But the phone does not ring.

Tune in next week to read Yazmin’s story/perspective.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

How it feels when your best friend breaks your heart.

It feels shit. That is how it feels. It feels every bit as bad as if your partner broke your heart, with the added loss and isolation of not having your best friend to talk to about it. Accompany that with the heavy social pressure to rise above and not “gossip” about it and the shame you feel over this perceived personal failure and it is a recipe for depression.

You feel overwhelmed, lost, sad, alone, misunderstood and maybe even somewhat obsessed. I can’t say I have ever felt as obsessed with an ex-lover post break up as I have over an ex-friend. And no, I don’t actually feel like my sexual orientation has anything to do with this, although I admit I might love my friends slightly more or differently to my heterosexual counterpart, I actually believe we all feel the same way.

I might add, as a married person, the pain is no less because I have a partner and kids to distract me from the pain or support me through it. As a matter of fact the idea that they should somehow make up for any loss of a friendship is even more isolating, as I don’t subscribe to the idea that my partner should be my best or only friend. Who would I discuss him with then? Haha I understand however that the pain of losing your bestie when you happen to be single may sting that little bit more, on the basis that your bestie may have been your standard “plus one” and left a massive hole in your life and your heart.

Why is nobody talking about this? This obsessive crushing heartbreak we carry. Which only gets heavier each day we are not expressing it? Which sometimes gets even more painful as you hear about them living their best life without you via social media or mutual friends. At least if this proves true with an ex-lover people expect you to talk about how sad you are. They support you through it.

If you go to a party or the local shop and you run into an ex-lover, you can tell your friends about it…. And they expect you wont be ok about it. If it is an ex-friend it is petty to mention and you may be “involving them in drama” if you try.

So you try and get through the days in the best ways you know how until you silently cry at night. Love songs make you think of them, although they usually didn’t when they were in your life and songs about heartbreak speak to you, because you are in fact heart broken. You lay awake replaying old memories, your last conversation, looking for clues, the signs that you missed. You wonder if they miss you.

If you are anything like me you write them a tonne of unsent letters and wonder if you should reach out every year their birthday passes. Especially if it is a big year. You never really forget. Because with lovers, you replace them, eventually and yet it isn’t like that with friends. You move on, of course, but you never forget in the same ways.

You have no social script for this pain. Even a psychologist is not well versed in helping you through an unrecognised trauma. And the closer you were, the more time and support you offered one another, the harder it is to avoid all the reminders. You wonder what was wrong with you that you couldn’t make it work and you feel jealous of other people, even characters on tv shows with their perfect friendships.

You work through the stages of grief. Then just when you think you have reached peace about it, something reminds you all over again and you toy with the idea of reaching out. Then you chicken out, remember all the hurt all over again and relive it all. It strikes anywhere and everywhere because friends tend to have memories of all parts of out lives and so many places.

You look them up on social media. You casually enquire about them if you travel in the same circles. You pretend to be indifferent about it. And you almost get there. But never quite.

The loss of a close friendship stays with you, almost like the loss of a pet. Except the pet is dead and the friend is not. Regardless, you may have another best friend in time. But you will always remember the good times, you will always miss what you had. Your new friend will never ever replace your old lost friendship and the part of you that died along with it.

A friendship is a unique and intangible thing. It cannot be measured or reproduced or contained. Certainly not replaced. No matter how many friends you have, or make after the loss of your best friend, seeing an old photo, or bumping into them at the shop will always bring up all the pain again. Will always trigger the insecurity that you weren’t good enough, that you were disposable.

Recently our beloved cat Socks passed away from lung cancer. Now we have a new kitten. Oh how we love the new kitten. It brings us so much joy. But it will never be Socks. We still grieve the loss of him and we always will. We will not always cry over the memories, but we will always feel loss and sadness that he isn’t here with us anymore.

Losing a best friend is like that too. It never gets any easier, no matter how old you get or how many times you go through it. And that is ok. They say a heart that is broken, is a heart that loved. Sometimes it helps to remember that they are probably heartbroken too, even if it cannot be repaired or if you cannot tell. After a lifetime, we become good at hiding this particular pain. They may be better at it than you but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

It can be hard to put yourself out there again. It can be hard to trust. You may find your insecurities flaring up as you try to embrace new friendships, you may feel scared to try. You may struggle with abandonment fears. But please don’t give up. Friendship is true intimacy, not sex. Friendship is pure love. That is why it hurts so much to lose. Because it is worth having.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fast and Furious Friendships

Have you ever had someone come into your life in a bit of a whirlwind? Someone with whom you felt instant chemistry and connection on a platonic level. Someone who maybe made you forget what your life was like without them in it?

Last week I spoke about the rift and subsequent reconciliation between a close friend and myself. In that post I made brief reference to the fact that our friendship had come on quickly, and that usually this was a warning sign for the catastrophe that lay ahead. When you know someone’s entire sexual history at the end of your first coffee, for example, you know too much. Haha

It is fair to say that I felt drawn to this person. I thought she felt drawn to me too, but I can’t be sure after what transpired, maybe only I felt that. Anyway, the point is, I asked her out, and she agreed. What started as a quick coffee, stretched on to a movie and then a meandering dinner, changing locations for dessert. By the end of the evening, we felt we really knew one another. We knew our family situations, our romantic histories and our shared sarcastic sense of humour. It wasn’t long before we were messaging daily and getting together at least weekly, if not more.

She was more spontaneous than me. She challenged me to get out of my comfort zone, to try new things and to get up and go out even if it was not in the day’s original plan. She continues to challenge my flexibility with her impromptu nature that inconveniences me in good and bad ways. I was the reliable stable one, offering her the support to anchor herself, a place to return to when the world got her down. If I said I would be there, she knew she could count on me to be there. And maybe because we each needed what the other provided, we overlooked the obvious, which was that we didn’t really know each other at all.

Our intimacy was fast tracked by the over sharing we indulged in too early. Because it feels good to connect with someone, to share with them. Then when you have, you feel invested. But I had not had time to learn that she was flaky and emotionally avoidant in nature, and she had not had time to learn that there was nothing casual about me, despite how we easily laughed together. I had not witnessed her rage, that I now know bubbles very close to the surface at all times. She had not experienced my tendency to withdraw. Neither had acknowledged the other’s crippling people pleasing nature. We had no idea we would trigger each other in so many ways and that our foundation was not strong enough to withstand that pressure.

Nope, we jumped straight into the deep end of one another’s existence and went full speed ahead, ignoring every red flag along the way. It felt wonderful. It made me happy. To have someone who chose to be my friend, someone who would call and text often and made me laugh. And I liked it so much that I overlooked it when she would randomly go a week without speaking to me, then be annoyed at me for pointing it out, claiming she was busy and I needed to chill.

But the thing was, she had already established that pattern of close frequent contact. She had already made me feel welcomed in her life, and the sudden silences felt deafeningly loud to me. The more I said about it, the more I pushed her away. I didn’t know the depths to which our closeness scared her, and she didn’t know the depths to which I had come to depend on that closeness.

We didn’t acknowledge then of course, the voids we each filled in the other’s life. Which in itself was inherently unhealthy. If there was not a degree of loneliness in my life, I may not have been so quick to latch on to her. I may have had some balance in my life that would not have allowed that degree of intimacy to occur as instantly as it did. It did because we each needed it to. She, being more carefree, started it without really knowing what she was getting into. Then she had no idea how to get out of it. Not necessarily because she wanted out, but feeling like there was no way out made the pressure build.

She was free spirited, not one to be tied down. I wasn’t. As time went on, the same qualities that had drawn her to me repelled her. I bored her and my friendship became a burden. She started spending more time with other people, moving subtly away from me. When she would tell me about this, I felt affronted. Like she was rubbing it in my face and wanting to make me jealous, to make me chase her. (Now I know her much better this isn’t actually far from the truth! Lol) In her view she was testing my ability to give her space and be less possessive. If I expressed hurt or jealousy, I failed the test. If I did nothing I hurt. When I hurt, I pulled away more, when she wanted me to try harder.

We were letting our insecurities run the show and every communication soon became a miscommunication. Each time she let me down, cancelled plans, arrived late or spoke harshly to me, I closed off a little more. We started to feel unsafe with each other, in an emotional sense, yet each of us desperate for the reassurance from the other that they weren’t going to leave.

And so our worst fears came true, when we came to blows and walked away from one another. And we didn’t speak for the same amount of time that we had been friends to begin with! Because we did not understand each other and we did not try. We each formed a picture of the other and who we believed her to be, and we held her to that standard. Initially we showed each other our best qualities, and then were not interested in accepting the worst. You cannot have one without the other. Not for long. We called each other friends before we had a chance to make that a reality.

It takes time to get to know someone, no matter what chemistry you have. It takes years and situations and observations to understand a person. You observe what triggers them, what brings them joy and sadness. You observe how they react under pressure and stress. You watch long enough and you start to see things you couldn’t see before. Their motivations, their pressures, the dynamics of their life that have formed the person they have become.

I now understand my friend is flaky and it wont change, and she understands I need more stability. I work on flexibility and she works on reliability because we know what the other values. We concentrate more on meeting the other’s needs than getting her to meet our own. We understand the unseen and sometimes unspoken pressures in each other’s lives and why we are the way we are, and why we respond the way we do. We accept and love the other as she is. Warts and all. And instead of turning away and tuning out we turn and tune in. Now it finally feels like we really are friends, in a much deeper and real sense. Because we took the time to develop it and not rush it.

Fast and Furious friendships tend to be flings of fancy, a good time but not a long time. It is ok to enjoy them for what they are, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Can we “settle” in our friendships?

I was musing with a good friend the other day, teasing her about a man on the periphery of her life, trying to get closer, and failing miserably. My friend is not interested in this man in the slightest and she went on to justify all the reasons why. I smiled as I asked her about the long line of men waiting for her attention, slyly implying that there was no line. If I was going to settle, she retorted, I would be with you!

Now, I suppose this is fair enough. You shouldn’t dish it if you can’t take it. I deserved that. Yet, somewhere deep down, she touched a sore point. Did she think that I was not good enough for her, even as a friend? Has she settled with me? This particular friend and I are on our second attempt of friendship after our first failed miserably and I would even go so far as to say catastrophically.

When we reconciled, it is fair to say I allowed my ego to believe that this friend had missed me. That she had realised my worth, as it often takes losing someone to realise how important they really were to you. I certainly missed her, and came to see what a big part of my life she had become in such a short timeframe. (That is never good by the way, although it feels good at the time, it never ends well. More on that next week)

So now all this insecurity had swelled inside me, and hours after our conversation I found myself messaging her to ask if she regretted reconciling with me. Maybe she really had settled. What if I had thought she missed ME when in reality, she missed having someone, anyone. It’s uncomfortable, but perhaps relevant to note that when we fell out the first time this friend explicitly told me she had never liked me, never wanted to be my friend, she just felt sorry for me and then got stuck as my friend. Those were the last words she said to me for 2 years. Was this still true? (It’s only fair to note we were arguing. I’m sure I also said hurtful harsh things.)

There are few things more vulnerable than laying your heart on the floor for someone to potentially stomp on. AGAIN! I felt small and rejected and shameful that I had perhaps trapped this person with me a second time. And I felt protective, defensive of my heart and all the things I thought we had built and grown since that time so many years ago. Was it all a lie?

Of course it wasn’t. You can’t fake what we share. My friend was quick to reassure me that she is glad we came back together, that I am “her person” and my friendship means the world to her. There may or may not have been cheesy references to Cher’s song “If I could turn back time”….

“I didn’t really mean to hurt you,
I didn’t wanna see you go,
I know I made you cry, but baby

If I could turn back time,
If I could find a way,
I’d take back those words that have hurt you,
And you’d stay….

When you walked out that door,
I swore that I didn’t care…
But I lost everything,
Darlin’ then and there.

Too strong to tell you I was sorry,
Too proud to tell you I was wrong…”

Look, people say all kinds of things they don’t really mean in the heat of the moment, and my heart forgives her, but it didn’t forget and remembering those words still stings. Because there is truth in every joke and every word spoken in anger. And the truth hurts. So why did she ever come back into my life then? I didn’t invite her back, initially, I accepted her back, perhaps because I didn’t want to believe those harsh sentiments, it felt good to bury them. But now this cutting reminder in a casual Tuesday afternoon conversation. Ouch.

The Baz Luhrmann ”Everybody’s free to wear sunscreen song” comes to mind. (Showing my age there, but worth a listen!)

“The real troubles in your life
Are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,
The kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.”

Feeling slightly bolder by her reassurance I asked her to explain what she meant by that offhanded comment about settling with me, and she explained she had meant it as a compliment, to say that we have something special and any man in her life will have to be at least as good as me for her to consider settling down with him. Aww? (I think?) lol

This led to a broader conversation about settling as a concept, and we read a brilliant article on the TODAY website entitled “Why it is ok to settle for Mr Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb. Now it was dated 7th Feb 2008, so I have no idea if the author still believes in her advice, but I would be interested to find out! In the article she points out the difference, and incompatibility between romantic love and a long term partnership, and how hard it is to sustain one while turning it into the other, because commitment is more mundane than passionate and the person who makes your heart flutter, is seldom the best person to have on your team in the trenches of life with you…. Basically to choose wisely. This applies to friendships too!

Now, I understand, this resonated with me, and my unpopular belief that all relationships are somewhat transactional in nature. For example “I will give you this in exchange for that.” The idea that you wouldn’t have to compromise anything in that transaction is laughable to me. So yes, you overlook certain things in order to benefit from others. My son’s biological father for example was exciting, attractive and fun, he made my heart race, but he would have made a misogynistic husband and I would have been miserable raising my son with him. He was a fantasy. My husband is reality. I feel it is important to know the difference. (And yes, in hindsight, not get pregnant to someone with whom you cannot foresee a long term commitment! Lol but I could never regret any of it.)

So perhaps my friend did use that time apart from me to assess her other friendships and realise that there were things about me she did not like in comparison. I have no doubt about this. Nobody likes everything about anybody. She also had that time to compare her life with me in it to me not being in it. And she decided she is better off with me on her team, for whatever reason. And so, she brought me back in to it for what she could get out of it, and decided to put up with my flaws and give me more of what I wanted in exchange.

And you know what? I am ok with this. I am probably not as exciting as the other people in her life, and I am needier than they are as friends. My expectations are higher because I give more than they do. And as long as she attempts to meet those expectations in return, even if it often feels burdensome for her to do so, I don’t care.

Maybe she did settle for me. And maybe I settle for her too. But I don’t think of it that way. I think of it as making a conscious and informed life choice rather than settling. We choose each other, even when it is hard. Even when there are things each of us dislikes about the other. Instead of walking away, we try to understand each other and learn from each other. Nobody is perfect, after all. Can you even call it settling when you’re happy?

I think of it like gold panning, a good shake will make the heavy metal settle at the bottom of the pan. As this friend is definitely a gold digger, haha, it doesn’t surprise me she settled for me. She sees my worth. And she is still worth her weight in gold to me too. Which is a lot. Lol

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 Toxic Behaviours in Friendships

Ok, so the point of this blog was really to focus on fractured friendships, and over the years I have expanded out to talking all things friendship. Friendship is important, I am passionate about it and I think it is an important topic that I want to keep expanding and exploring. That said, I wanted to move back in the direction of troubled friendships.

This week, I was reflecting on all the reasons my friendships have failed over the years. I don’t really think people are toxic, however each of us is capable of being a good person who made a bad choice, or, alternatively unknowingly practising toxic behaviours or patterns.  So here are the 10 reasons I could think of that eventually cause strain, if not rift of a friendship.

1. Competition or jealousy.

The first thought that came to mind was an example of a friend who unwittingly put us into competition over everything. It was not a competition I signed up for and it was not one I could win, and it was not one I wanted any place in. It didn’t matter what it was. If I bought a car, theirs was better because it had a better safety rating or better features. If I had a bad day, theirs was worse. Not only was this frustrating, it was invalidating. Somehow whatever I was sharing turned into a story about them.  Which brings me nicely to my next point.

2. Selfishness or Not listening ….

or even holding space for me in the conversations. Some friends have used me more like a therapist at worst or an audience at best. It is always about themselves, and even if they do allow you to talk, they interrupt or don’t remember the details because they aren’t really listening.

3. Out of balance

This next one is more a quality of the friendship than of the 2 people within it, but often times as per the examples above, the friendship is somehow unbalanced. Ot may be unbalanced because one person is always the one initiating contact, or because one person is more invested in the other. Or, it may be unbalanced because you always do the same things. For example, you may always see movies together, which makes the frequent contact bring you together, however if you don’t really actually ever talk to one another, the intimacy will be lacking. On the other end of the spectrum if you always chat the hours away over coffee, the fun aspect may be lacking. Either can cause the friendship to feel a little stale.

4. Different Values

I am sure the pandemic has brought about some insight into a few of your friends, that may have surprised you. Maybe you had a friend who refused to wear a mask or be vaccinated and you felt they were putting you at odds with your own values about it? Or maybe you have a friend who started seeing a married person or cheating on their spouse… and while it may not impact you directly, it does change how you see them as a person. I have one friend who is always very kind and positive and one who is very sarcastic and mean when we speak, in good humour. Luckily neither offends me, however if you value postivity, a very negative friend like that could hurt you.

5. Social Exclusion

We all understand not everybody can be invited to everything. Yet sometimes that exclusion can feel just as confronting as it felt in our early years to learn we were not invited to the ellusive pool party! Not being invited to coffee with 2 mutual friends is one thing, however, not being invited to the group weekend away or consistenlty feeling excluded from regular events can take it’s toll on a friendship.

6. Co Dependency issues

I admit I can be a needy friend. I latch on sometimes too tight, and get attached to ideals. For example, if you begin messaging me everyday, and then abruptly stop, I will feel hurt and confused by this, which may only further fuel your desire to get space from me. Alternatively, if you need me to accompany you each time you run an errand, but never make the effort to spend any quality time together outside of this, I will begin to feel used and pull away. If it feels like we are just using one another to fill some sort of void, trying to act like friends instead of being friends, because it is better to be together than alone.

7. Lying or lack of vulnerability

We all tell white lies sometimes. Ok, so you didn’t really have a headache when you cancelled our plans lasy week, but that was easier to say than telling me you couldn’t be bothered catching up. Point taken. However, if you do this every week, our friendship should be strong enough for you to approach me and talk to me about the real reason you are being distant. (Whether it is about me or us or not.) If I reach out and say to you that I think things are not ok with us, and you tell me everything is fine, you are just super tired or busy, chances are high that I wont ask again and our friendship will end if you let it. That is because I am practicing vulnerability when I ask if everything is ok. Even if everything really is ok, I am clearly feeling things are off and wanting to talk about it. As my friend you should care about that. If you don’t take the opportunity to care and tell me what is really going on with you or with us, I will take that to mean you don’t care that I feel pushed away. I can’t support you or fix it if I don’t ask. And trust me, it wasn’t easy to ask. Shutting down that conversation shuts me out.

8. Judging

In many cases, the reason someone may be lying or not being vulnerable in your presence might be because they feel you are judgemental. This can come in the form of openly judging others in your friends company, or from giving unsolicited, even if well intended advice. (or lectures.) If you always act as if you have all the answers, like you wouldn’t have made such silly and obvious mistakes, or like you are above your friends, it stands to reason they may not open up to you easily. This is also true if you deliver brutal honesty. You can be honest and kind. Try to always be accepting and understanding and ask more questions. When friends try and open up to you, they want to talk, not listen. Try to validate them when you do speak and just be there for them.

9. Betrayal of trust or gossip

Friendships are formed around intimacy. The ability to share the real versions of ourselves, express dark thoughts and let down our guard to be truly seen and loved is imperative to intimacy. What it means is that we trust this person to see the best in us, even at times when we show them the worst. So nothing hurts more than to hear someone is smiling to your face and comforting you in your moments of need, then using those darker elements you have shared with others to paint you in a negative light. Especially if that involves betrayal of confidence, stated or implied! It may be worse if you feel your friend has made a fool of you by having an affair with your partner for example or cheated or manipulated you in some other way. Vulnerability is a beautiful intimacy not entrusted to just anyone and betrayal of that trust is hard to recover from

 10. Money

I never thought money could be such a big issue in friendships. Why should it be an issue at all? If you borrowed money from a friend, pay it back in a timely manner and try not to ask again. If you lend someone money, you do not own them. If you lend them $1000 you cannot question every purchase or life choice after that. They did not ask for your advice, only your money. Surprisingly that is not the only way money becomes an issue. If you have more disposable income, you may embarrass friends by suggesting expensive luxuries – even if you are generous enough to pay, you create a debt your friend feels they cannot repay and keep them endebted to you unhealthily. Or if you don’t respect the way your friend makes her money. Maybe you work hard at a 9-5 and they earn their money by erotic dancing or are a stay at home partner to someone who earns. You may not respect the way they finance their life, but that is not your business.

These are just 10 of the issues I have seen crop up in my friendships. Please leave comments on the issues you have faced, as I am sure there are many more.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don’t believe everything you hear! Or even everything you say?!!

A friend and I were recently discussing her new job, and the fact that almost immediately after starting the position the office gossip started. People trying to “warn you” of the status quo, to keep away from this person or that person, who is having personal issues and of course each person claiming that they do the lion’s share of the work meant to be done by everyone else. Lol

My friend was surprised, how easily people gossip. She reasoned that they did not know her well enough to be trusted with such insights and she herself may be someone to avoid for all they know! I reasoned that although I haven’t been in paid employment for a good many years now, that I remembered it well and that people felt they had to recruit you to their team before it was too late.

Many of them are well intentioned. Sometimes there is someone in the office who is best avoided, or someone you would be wise not to confide in. It’s normal for these conversations to come up as you befriend new colleagues, as work is the immediate thing you share in common and where you will spend your time.  However my friend is someone who is pretty likeable. I have always been jealous of how easily she fits in with everyone wherever she goes. Everybody loves her, myself included. She says we are the closest, but I bet she says that to all the girls! Haha

Anyway, my friend relayed that no matter how well intentioned, or otherwise, the gossip put her off the messenger more than the target. Not to mention she expects to at least hear both sides of the stories, in time, if this is that type of workplace.  Although to be clear my friend has no intention of getting involved in any of this drama anyway, and makes it a point never to choose a side, as it were. She is Switzerland. Lol

It reminded me of a time when someone in the office “pre-warned me” not to get involved with ‘bitchy salad friend’ from a few posts back. Like a moth to the flame I obviously am as she was the first person I gravitated towards. Haha But I recall saying to the person who warned me “Thank you for your concern, but I prefer to make my judgements about people based on my own experiences of them.” Which shut down the gossip entirely. However, as evident by the title ‘bitchy salad friend’ the warning was probably best heeded.

So who is right in these situations? Should we listen to what people have to say about others? Or should we be wary of them and what they will tell others about us? Should we believe what we hear first, or what we hear from the other party? Is it better to let someone know if the person they are befriending has wronged you in some way, or let them figure it out for themselves?

There are definitely 2 sides to every story, but we would all be wise to remember that perception plays a big role in the truth. If you have been hurt or betrayed by a person, it stands to reason you would not want to see anyone go through the same thing, however it’s likely you played your part in whatever happened too, and the other party would have something to say about you also. So perhaps ask yourself if you would want people to believe everything they heard about you from the perspective of someone who views you unfavourably?

Unless this person is at serios risk of harm, I feel this is one of those situations where silence is golden. You have the opportunity to make friends with a new colleague, so instead of wasting your breath trying to let them know the lay of the land, ask them about themselves, share about yourself. Build a rapport with them so that the only thing they believe about you is from their direct experience of you.

Despite my ‘bitchy salad friend’ experience, I do recall another time when a group were chatting about the positives about a mutual known person. All raving about her. I don’t know why I felt it was the appropriate time or audience to chime in about what I didn’t like about this person combined with some gossip I had heard about her, however I can now understand in hindsight why I was never included in that group again. My behaviour was negative, toxic and ugly, and it said more about me than the person whom we were discussing. Not to mention I did not read the room! Haha

But we live and we learn. We have all done things like this, it is human nature. Which brings me to my final point. People have toxic traits or behaviours, but generally people are not toxic. One person may have lashed out uncharacteristically due to other stressors, and it isn’t fair to judge them based on that alone. Or maybe like me, they felt awkward and in some way I can only assume I was trying to gain respect in the circle by sharing inside information as a misguided way to bond. Whatever the reasons or circumstances, it is problematic to judge people based on their worst moments or to assume that because they weren’t a good fit as a friend to you that they wouldn’t be to anyone else.

Don’t believe everything you hear, and maybe don’t even believe everything you say, although the less you say about others, the better! Trust me on that one! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The big power of a small word!

Last month was all about apologies, the word sorry, the ways in which we should and should not give or accept them and the power that goes with one small word with one big meaning. I am sure you are all tired of that theme by now, so today we will look at the power of one small 2 letter word.

See how I said “we” in that last sentence. It flows nicely, doesn’t it. I am writing and you are reading and although we do not know each other, we are in fact on this journey together. But unless I pointed it out, you were not likely to think anything of it, should I have instead written that I wanted to explore the power of one small 2 letter word!

So why is it significant? I am a believer in empowering our friends. Offering advice, but with no real expectation that they will do as we suggest, and reassuring them that they are the best person to decide what is right for themselves. It feels good to remind a friend that you believe in them and you know they can navigate their own life successfully, deal with any challenges and or obstacles and achieve whatever success means to them.

I like to try and always make sure that I am there for my friends. That I listen to their stories, follow up, offer advice and encourage them, console them, remind them how great they are and how strong they are, even when they don’t feel strong. I am often telling them “You have got this! You can do this. You are so smart and strong that I know you will figure this out.” I offer help where I can and an ear when I can’t, and try to use these words of affirmation to reassure and motivate them to be the best that they can be.

I am a soft place to fall when you have had enough, and a gentle push in the right direction when needed. So, I was surprised to hear a friend tell me recently that my words actually made her feel heavier and more alone! When I tell her “You have got this!” for example, the emphasis is on the word you, and you alone. When sometimes what she wants and needs more than anything is to hear “I have got your back. We will figure this out together. You are not alone; I am here for you and here with you.”

Now often the challenges we face in life, ultimately, we do face alone, however I never realised such a simple change in my language could be so powerful in removing the sense of isolation people sometimes feel during times of need. I honestly never even thought about it. I thought I was proving I was there for people, by showing up, by listening, by offering suggestions, help and information as much as possible. By checking in to show the person I know you are struggling, I am still thinking of you, I haven’t forgotten.

That said, when the conversation is over, and my friend goes back to their life, it is fair to say I can cast aside their woes and get back to my luckily peaceful existence. And my friend feels very alone, unable to stop the worry or distress. So, I suppose I really have been reiterating that my friend is alone even if that was not my intention.

So how powerful it is to instead say “we will figure this out.” To reassure them that you will continue to hold some of the problems weight, that you will make a phone call if needed or do a grocery run to help them out or take them out for a meal just so they feel a little bit taken care of and less alone. Even if you still want to remind your friend that they can do whatever it is that needs to be done, always remember to also add in that you are right there with them every step of the way.

For example, my friend’s friend was recently discharged from hospital and after some anxiety and panic attacks, had started to feel like maybe staying in hospital was the better option and was questioning their decision to come home instead of accepting a transfer to a different hospital. My friend said to them “If we need to get you back into hospital, then that is what we will do. If we need to find ways to make you feel more secure at home then that is what we will do. You decide which is right for you and we will make it happen.”

They decided to stay home and see how they got on, as they needed complete bedrest. My friend went over with meals, a kettle to put by the bed, a voice activated light control, some books and puzzles, snacks and of course a big hug! She spent some time sitting in bed with her friend, watching a movie, talking about life, and just being present. By the end of the night her friend felt settled, cared for and like they had a plan. Like they were not alone.

Sometimes that is what a friend needs more than anything. I really appreciated this reminder from my friend, without judgement or criticism on how to be better, how to be there more for people and how to reiterate that I am on their team and we will get through our lives separately, yet, together, because “We Got This!”

Thank you for reading this and coming on this journey with me as we explore the good, the bad and the ugly, together!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx