Intimacy Imbalance

A few weeks ago, I was sitting around the dinner table with some friends discussing our male partners, as female friends so often do. Most of my friends seemed dissatisfied with the quality of their relationships with their husbands, fiances or boyfriends, due to the lack of intimacy. Some women were craving acts of physical intimacy, from affection, to flirtatious touch or sexual connection. However when we delved deeper into their motivations, they were typically craving some sort of validation or reassurance of love from him.

Many men relate to women intimately through sex alone. It is known to be one of their main love languages, so therefore it stands to reason that when a woman is feeling distance emotionally in her relationship with her male partner, she will seek for him to demonstrate his love for her in this manner. That said, the typical reason she is feeling distance in the first place is a lack of intimacy, and this seems to be at the root of the disconnect. Women provide their male partner the sexual intimacy at times as a bandaid or perhaps as a bid for emotional intimacy and connection. However they are often left disappointed when as a result he feels loved and secure and continues to ignore her need for emotional togetherness. Classically this often ends in the woman refusing to meet his need for sexual connection in frustration to his seeming lack of interest in meeting her emotional needs.

I am sure this is not shocking news to anybody, as it is a tale as old as time. I noticed that the lack of emotional intimacy with their partners really unsettled them and made them unhappy, and I began to ponder if my own expectations of my own husband are too low? Perhaps because I have experienced and am capable of romantic love with female partners, I always accepted a man could not and would not meet this need. This need for emotional closeness is something I have seen time and time again in female friendships. Even the simple act of getting together around the dinner table and expressing what we are really thinking and feeling, what is really happening behind the scenes of our lives is an act of closeness. Were my friends unhappy because they were expecting more of their partners than was possible?

Typically, I used the opportunity to reiterate my point, that partnered or single, straight or gay (or anywhere in-between) monogamous or polyamorous, friendship was the answer. That we could meet each other’s needs in this regard, if we would only make friendships as high a priority as we do all the other relationships in our lives. One friend in particular, who is enduring a relationship breakdown, was completely onboard with the idea and swearing off men for life. As someone I have been trying to convince for years that her friends could meet her emotional needs and she didn’t need a man to do it, I admit I felt victorious.

So, when I caught up with another close friend and I relayed my victory, I was surprised to hear her question the validity of my point. “Your friends are disappointed with their partners not meeting their need for emotional intimacy” she continued, “and you are not upset with your partner because this is a need you expect your friends to meet?” she asked. “Yes!” I smiled enthusiastically. “But isn’t it also true that you are often disappointed with your friends when they fail to meet this need?” She was presenting a valid point.

Thinking on this for a moment, I concluded that yes, she was correct that I was often let down by a friend who was not meeting my emotional needs, but this was most often because I knew she could meet them. In most cases the friend in question was meeting a set of needs for a time, before she stopped meeting them, and that is what would cause me distress. Regardless, her point was still clear. The fact is that our needs for emotional intimacy are often exhausting for the person or people we expect to meet them and the flaw is perhaps more the expectation than the need.

So while I might be right in my assessment of my marriage, being that I am happier at home due to my lack of expectations of emotional closeness there, placing the burden of expectation on my friends was really also imbalanced. Perhaps I could be happier in my friendships if I also expected less of them too?

I don’t think expectations of intimacy are really conscious, it’s just that as humans we are wired for connection and we go about meeting those needs through our relationships with others. And so we walk around searching for intimacy, asking for it, giving it in hope of receiving it in return, and even demanding it when it is not forthcoming. What my dear friend was pointing out, was essentially that we should take it and enjoy it from wherever we find it, and however long it lasts, and then go searching for it elsewhere when it fades.

Just as men demanding sex from women to meet their needs is a turn off, me demanding intimacy from people who no longer felt able or willing or comfortable offering it was equally off putting. It was more than likely a self fulfilling prophecy whereby I chase away the one thing I desire. So while I thought this post was going to end up saying that we need to balance our intimacy expectations more equally between friends, family and partners, actually the answer seems to be to just go where the love flows.

To think of intimacy like a set of waterfalls. Some where the water trickles slowly but consistently. A very thirsty person could not satiate their thirst with just that one source, but screaming at it for more water will have little effect. Another waterfall may gush for a short time then dry up while another may drip inconsistently. And we all just have to walk along, drinking the water and enjoying its purity where we find it then move along to where there is more further up the track. Some that have run dry may replenish over time, given the time and space to do so, while others may dry up for good. But the answer is always to not rely on only one source and to always be open to more sources so as not to run any singular one dry….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The 5 T’s of Friendship; Time, Trust, Truth, Touch and Togetherness.

In the past I have written about the magic friendship five, which is the number of close friends I personally seem to need to meet my needs for social connection. Any less and I will feel unsatisfied and lonely and any more and I will start feeling overwhelmed and stressed and like a bad friend because I start dropping the ball on people. This week I wanted to talk about another Friendship 5.

After reading Rhaina Cohen’s book; Other significant others, I became interested in a concept she mentioned about the 3 T’s of connection. This pertains to Lisa Diamond’s attachment theory that all relationships require Time, Togetherness and Touch. Although I believe most people will interpret these to be basics of a romantic relationship, I felt, as did Rhaina Cohen, that the principles applied to platonic connections too. Building on that further, I thought I would also include Truth and Trust.

Truth and trust, obviously seem to go hand in hand, as it would seem unlikely that you would have trust without truth, and if you had truth there would seem to be no reason for trust to be lacking. But the human mind is much more complex than this. We can distrust someone honest. Just because their words are true, does not mean that their intentions are pure. Similarly, just because you know someone has a habit of lying, doesn’t mean you inherently distrust them or their affection for you.

Let’s start with Time. This one speaks to me so much because quality time is my biggest love language. However, time isn’t just time. Frequent time together where someone is distracted and not giving you their full attention is not as satisfying as an hour a month with a different friend who really spends that time connecting with you in equal parts sharing and listening. A friend you have known for a month might be closer to you than a friend you have known for a decade because of the amount of time and effort they put into your connection. However, as I was explaining to my son when one of his work friends recently left the job, it is easy to become friends with someone when the time together is mutually convenient such as at school or work, however it is much harder to maintain those connections when the convenience factor is removed and you actually have to make time for the friendship, which essentially means, for him, for example, giving up an afternoon of gaming to see his friend. Whereas when they worked together neither was giving up anything to foster the connection. Similarly, time does not have to be in person. I maintain a close friendship with my penpal in Texas who I have never met, and one of my closest friends I only see in person maybe 4 times a year, but speak to almost everyday in a constant conversation online. So there are many ways to give and receive quality time to a friend, but without time to build a connection, then time to maintain it, friendships fade and fizzle, or never flame to begin with.

Trust is next on the list because I feel it is the next most important thing in a friendship. You don’t have to entirely trust your friend, however you do have to trust that they like you in the same measure, and that you can depend on them, confide in them or count on them. It might not be deep. Perhaps you just know you can count on them for a good night out, and that if they say they will be there, then they will be. It might be with a different friend that you know you can trust them to keep your secrets and not judge you and another still who you know would be there for you if your car broke down at 2am and you needed help. The point is that all friendships do require a certain level of trust, and similarly to other connections, if the trust is broken, it can be challenging to repair. That can be true if you heard they said something mean about you behind your back, lied to your face, stole from you or worse. Any breaches of trust can break friendships and it takes time, and truth, to fix.

Which brings us nicely to our third factor; truth. We all need someone with whom we can be true. Our true authentic selves, unfiltered thoughts, and unedited photos. Someone who knows the truth behind the smiles on the insta reel and someone who knows we hate that person we just politely interacted with. We also need people we trust to be true with us. Often, the fastest connections I form are the ones with whom I am true straight away or the ones who are true with me. Many people find this oversharing, overwhelming…. But when you meet your true people, you speak the same language. You aren’t interested in small talk about the weather, you really want to share the details of your inner thoughts and feelings and hear all about theirs too. My last point about truth is that I know some friends that do habitually lie. I know both because I have seen them do it with my own eyes and ears, because they have told me they have done it or because they have lied to me. This doesn’t automatically make me distrustful. Because often I understand their motivations for the lies, which have usually got nothing to do with dishonest intentions and much more to do with protecting ego or telling white lies for an easier life. In a weird way, knowing someone is a bit of a liar is a truth in itself…

Next is touch. This is where I tend to lose people, and once upon a time I might have agreed with you, that there wasn’t a place for touch in friendship, but it is simply not true. To allow someone to touch you is a means of expressing comforting affection, which does indeed foster connection. I remember the first friend I had who liked to hug and kiss on the cheek hello and goodbye and how warm and friendly and welcoming that felt. I hadn’t been a hugger before, and instantly I knew I was going to steal this from her and start practicing it in my own life. I had always imagined touch in friendship would feel forced and awkward, but actually it felt very natural, as humans are wired for affectionate touch. It also allowed me the freedom to move to a friend who was in tears, to embrace them, rather than stiffly pass the tissues, or pull a friend into a warm embrace in celebration of happy news. It allowed me to reach across the table and hold the hand of a dear friend expressing her life troubles as a way to say I was physically there to provide comfort and support. It allowed me to lay my head on the shoulder of another friend as I shared my own woes. It allowed me to flirtatiously smack the behind of a friend who was bantering and being cheeky and hold the hand of another in a scary movie. It allowed me the freedom to experience touch that wasn’t sexual or associated with the pressures to then become sexual. It was just another way to connect and show care and affection. I would not like to lose touch in my friendships again, even in these small innocent ways. These moments are meaningful. These acts of touch aren’t just meaningful to me either. Recently at a lunch catch up with a dear friend I haven’t seen all year in person, we quickly got chatting and she stopped me and said “you normally hug and kiss me hello, and you didn’t today?” So I immediately stood from the table to do so. Just yesterday after I left my hair salon my hairdresser followed me to the car and said “how rude you didn’t hug me goodbye?” It matters. It is a love language in of itself and doing it says as much as not doing it, clearly.

Lastly we have togetherness. This, I feel, pertains to that 6th love language we hear about, regarding inclusivity and language. Saying “I thought we could do this” or “this made me think of us..” Referencing your friendship as a pairing, as something important worth mentioning, and worth spending time building. But togetherness is really the byproduct of all the other 4 elements of friendship. It really refers to the connection itself. It is something you work on, over time, with people you trust and can be true with, who share moments of touch. If a friendship is lacking in any one of these areas you might find there is not as much closeness or feelings of togetherness as other friendships encompassing all the other 4 things. It is about feeling like a solid unit, trusting that your friendship is true, wanting to spend time sharing and connecting and provide physical, emotional and mental support for each other.

So there you have it. My five T’s of friendship. Can you think of anymore? Head over to facebook and let me know. The only rule is that they have to start with T!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Frightening Friendship Foes! Halloween Horror stories! Part 1.

I don’t know if it has ever come up in this blog before, but I am actually a bit weirdly obsessed with serial killer documentaries and other true crimes. Netflix is always suggesting juicy new titles to the mix to keep me subscribing, and I am a satisfied customer. One of my more recent binge watches was the second season of “Worst Roommate Ever…” (Disappointed Netflix, a season should be more than 4 episodes long?!)  The first episode features Rachael and Janie, a pair of best friends who become entangled in a very strange and strained platonic defacto kind of arrangement. I don’t want to spoil the ending for any of you who hasn’t watched that one yet, but it did get me thinking about stories I have heard about people who didn’t know their best friend was actually their enemy…

And what a better time of year to share such terrifying tales than Halloween?!

Have you ever heard of the expression “keep your friends close and your enemies closer?” It can feel like sage advice…. But it could also be a costly mistake not to realise when your friend is your enemy.  As was the case with Cheyenne Rose Antoine, 21, who took a selfie with her best friend Brittney Gargol , 18 on a night out and posted it to social media, before an argument that resulted in her removing the belt she was wearing that night and using it to strangle Britney to death.  She tried to evade police by later posting on social media showing concern for her friend’s whereabouts and claimed to have gone home that evening with a random guy. However, another of her friends, took a big risk in admitting to police that she had made a drunken confession to them. Eventually caught and convicted via the strangulation marks on Britney’s lifeless body, identifying the murder weapon and cause of death, Cheyenne was sentenced to 7 years in prison for manslaughter 2018. Meaning she will be eligible for release in 2025 or 2026. I don’t know which is more frightening! Be careful who you befriend.

Dark as that is, it would appear that Cheyenne had acted out of anger, but hadn’t actively planned to murder her friend. Payton Leutner, 12, however, couldn’t say the same, in that her 2 friends Anissa Weier and Morgan Geyser, both 12 planned and plotted the death of their friend for 6 months before their attack. In 2014 , influenced by fictional supernatural character Slender Man, and experiencing feelings of jealousy common among friend groups of 3, Morgan and Anissa lured their friend Payton into woods and stabbed her 19 times. They believed Slender man would kill their families if they did not kill Payton. To become a proxy of Slender man they had to kill someone and Payton was easily available.

Initially they planned her death to take place at Morgan’s birthday sleepover, however, both chickened out. Wearing headphones so as not to wake Payton, Morgan set an alarm on her iPad to wake her at midnight. The plan was for Morgan to wake Anissa so the girls could duct tape Payton’s mouth and stab her in the neck before fleeing. But they were both too tired to go through with the plan that time.

In the morning they decided to try again at a local park public bathroom, so the blood would flow down a drain in the floor. Anissa weakly tried to knock poor Payton unconscious with a punch, having heard that it is easier to kill a person who is not conscious so you didn’t have to look them in the eyes. It didn’t work, and despite the punch in the bathroom, Payton agreed to go on a walk with the girls into thick woods to play hide and seek. Between the 2 perpetrators, it was agreed Morgan would stab Payton on Anissa’s command. After a few rounds of hide and seek, Anissa then said to go ballistic, go crazy. Morgan took this as her command, and ruthlessly stabbed Payton 19 times. Anissa told Payton to lay on the ground to lose blood slower, and lied about getting help for the girl. Not convinced, Payton managed to walk her way out of the woods before collapsing from lack of energy and blood loss. In a stroke of luck, a cyclist happened to take a chained off path that they had never taken before and came across Payton injured and bleeding. He called emergency services and she was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery. Reaching her just before surgery, Payton’s mother was able to speak to Payton where she was informed Morgan had stabbed her daughter. Thankfully, Payton survived the surgery and was told, Morgan had missed an artery in her heart by a width of a hair and had she gone that much deeper Payton would have bled out and died of a heart attack in 2 minutes.

Scarily, they were both found not guilty on the grounds of mental defect and sentenced to mental health institutions. Anissa was sentenced 25 years to life and Morgan was diagnosed with schizophrenia, a condition her dad also suffered, which altered her ability to tell reality from fiction, and sentenced to 40 years to life.  

Frightening as it is that your friendships might actually be foe, what is even scarier is the ages of the young ladies involved in these stories. So keep in mind, the next time you have a falling out with a friend, if they aren’t speaking to you or in your life anymore, it could be much much worse! What is even worse is that it doesn’t end there either. Tune back in next Halloween for part 2 of this spooky special!

Happy Halloween Homies! If you are looking for some best friend costumes ideas, don’t forget to check out my previous post on this!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Does a social butterfly have lots of friends?

I don’t know if you get your hair done in the salon, or if your hairdresser is as fabulous as mine, but my salon visits are something I look forward to, and often feel more like social visits than appointments. As my hair tends to take a while to do, that gives us lots of time to chat, and although I am well aware that I am both a paying customer and client, it does start to feel like the beginnings of a new friendship.

However, it is not lost on me that she is paid to have these chats, and I bet she chats like this to all the girls! Haha by which I mean all her other paying customers. So it stands to reason that she’s a social butterfly. She is so colourful with all her pretty ink, she may well actually be an actual beautiful butterfly!

Let me set the scene for you though. As soon as you lay eyes on her, you will immediately get “hot bad girl” vibes. Yet, she is charming and endearing and gentle and kind, which is a contradiction that I personally enjoy. I love it when people surprise me with their personality, like the sweet teacher who swears like a sailor or the quiet librarian who enjoys karaoke. These people intrigue me and it feels special to see this other side of them that might not typically be on display for all to see. It is like a behind the scenes tour, which is endlessly fascinating and surprising. Anyway, true to what you would expect from the bad girl, she has a busy social schedule and her stories of all-nighters make me feel old and tired just hearing about them! For reference, we’re the same age, and technically she is 4 months my senior, but you would never guess.

I’m the frumpy mum she thought would be good at accounting because I have a dull life, and, as a lovely ex friend described it, the personality of a dead fish! Lol I guess she thinks I am just too white and nerdy! I’m in bed by 9pm and can’t handle my drink well. Most weekends I spend alone, writing, because my husband works weekends and everyone else I know is busy with partners, friends, and family. I don’t mind too much, my quiet life. When hubby does come in from work it’s evening and the kids have had their dinner. So he and I eat together, watch a movie or a show cuddled up together and I’m usually asleep on his chest before the end of whatever we’re watching.  This is my little life, and my husband’s long work hours are why I would be lonely without the support of my friends.

Because I have good friends, and we stay connected, mostly I’m not lonely, even when I am alone for long stretches such as the weekends. That’s not to say I don’t love to live vicariously through the adventures of my hairdresser and her bad girl life though! I do! Oh to have her problems of too many people trying to kiss her on a night out. That has never happened to me in the history of me being on a night out! Not even once!! I enjoy her stories of nights out on the town that don’t end until 11am the next day and dating disasters with bad boys. Sure, I could’ve told her it would be a disaster – but where’s the fun in that? My bad boy days are behind me and I have discovered the necessity of Mr Nice for myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know their appeal!

Whether it is drinks at the bar with an old friend, a club with her bestie, a drag show with a few clients, or more interesting endeavours I better not write about publicly online, her life seems so full and busy and fun. I can’t imagine her ever sitting home alone all weekend with not a soul reaching out to her. Most of my visits she even has friends stopping by the salon. I can see why, with her vivacious and charming ways, everyone just wants to be a star in her orbit.

Personally, I need 5 close friends. I have written about this dozens of times, and if I try and take on too many more, I find myself dropping the ball on people because I value and pride myself on being a good friend. Caring and supportive and engaged. The type who remembers to wish you well for your awards ceremony, help you choose the best outfit for a date or ask how your appraisal went with your boss. I could not maintain so many friends. But it’s like magic in motion to watch this butterfly spread her wings, and she seems genuinely happy to see every friend she has ever introduced me to.

Her and I are connected on social media, and often use this platform to communicate about hair appointments or send pictures of styles and colours etc…. but we also then see and interact with each others posts on the platforms and so, conversations do often drift away from hair into more personal territory. Hard not to, when we know so much about each other from hours of salon visits comprising of talk topics from idle chit chat to juicy gossip. So I was surprised to hear her share a feeling of loneliness.

I did not make this meme. I know it should be "you're" - and yes, that might be why?! haha 

“You have a million friends!” I was quick to point out. After all she was never alone and in bed by 8pm like me on a Saturday evening with no plans. Her phone was so filled with messages from so many people she found it hard to keep up and often ended up not even reading them all let alone responding to them all. Her calendar was full of invites to exciting things and every holiday she took she came home with a collection of new contacts and friends. People were drawn to her. It made no sense that she would be lonely.

However, she made no hesitation in correcting my assumptions. “I don’t have a lot of friends,” she typed back. “I know a lot of people. There’s a difference.” Stopping to ponder this, I immediately saw the difference. That feeling where you speak to everyone but talk to no one. That’s the exact reason I hate parties and groups, I feel lonelier in groups, which is ironic. So I could definitely see why seeing someone different every weekend, but someone you only see once a year, was less satisfying than seeing someone who keeps up to date with your life and cares about you and not just going out and getting wasted.

My heart hurt for her, because we all deserve to feel loved and we all want to feel connected. She was quick to acknowledge that she has shortcomings as a friend, in that her life is chaotic to say the least, and as a result she’s so consumed with the goings on in her own world, she sometimes neglects to show care and check in regularly with people. This pattern will definitely hinder her desire for closeness. However, I also pointed out that it was her who reached out to me to check in, so that was progress and something to show she has the ability to correct the error of her ways and seek consistent connection.

I suggested that romance and sex were not the answers to loneliness, and neither was alcohol and partying. Those things were only avoiding the very closeness she craved. What she needed to understand was that closeness was based on consistency and vulnerability. So she needed to try opening up to someone consistently and routine would help her achieve this. For example, to choose a friend to call every day after work, or pick a person to kind of always be in constant communication with during the day. A person she could quickly message between clients, or send a funny video, or read about their bad day or hilarious embarrassing moment and share her own horror stories too.

Not to try and do this for every person, or she would inevitably fail and feel even further from her goal and incapable of success. I reasoned that we could probably really help each other in this regard, as she could teach me to be less intense and more casual, and to not take things so personally, while I could coach and encourage her to reach out, show interest and share of herself to others as she had with me.

Sometimes it’s easier to open up to an impartial party, and friendly as we are, (and as much as I like her, which is a lot,) her and I are so opposite I don’t really know if we could manage to maintain a friendship that was mutually satisfying. I think she would find me needy and I would find her elusive, leading her to feel smothered. We would both feel not good enough. That isn’t to say we couldn’t or won’t develop a friendship, because we already have vulnerability and relative consistency. We are able to acknowledge our differences from the start and discuss problems before they become problems. I would know to keep expectations low while she would know to make more effort. And who knows, maybe she could inject a little more excitement into my life in exchange for the connection I could bring to hers.

The point is that we shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, because things are often not as they seem, and the people who you think may be full of life might be the loneliest of all.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Commitment To Your Cronies?

Last week we talked about friendship counselling and if it is or should be something friends engage in. Ultimately it comes down to the 2 people involved and their values, feelings, wants and needs, so there is no one size fits all answer or approach. While I might go with one friend only if they suggested it, I might be more willing to suggest it for a different friendship. And for another I might refuse to go at all. Because each friendship is as unique as the people within it.

That post also touched on the commitment factor. If someone is committed enough to your friendship to suggest counselling in the first place, is this a good thing? Again it depends on the person. I see friendships as valuable platonic relationships, and with that I do believe I give, and expect in return, a certain level of commitment. However, I can name at least one friend who feels extremely claustrophobic by the word, and by the sentiment…. Not to mention my full adherence to the concept. In her mind, this makes me needy, makes her feel trapped and as a result when I make bids for closeness, it is often rebuffed with humour. Ironically, humour has become our own brand of closeness, as there can be intimacy in sarcasm too, believe it or not.

That’s not to say this friend is not committed to me. She clearly is, to some degree, being that we have had our fair share of ups and downs. But acknowledging it in this way, makes her want to run away immediately. I can kind of understand because I have another friend who I would say is probably more committed to us than I am. Similarly, her commitment can at times feel suffocating, and this can make it difficult to cancel plans for example. It’s only because she cares, and values our time together, and you can hardly hold that against someone. She is a good friend, and it is nice to be valued!

It probably is good for me to be able to experience this imbalance from both sides of the coin. It makes me more grateful for one friend’s investment and makes me understanding of why and how my own investment might scare someone at the same time. Ideally the commitment levels should be the same… be that zero commitment or 100%!

This is tricky though, because commitment is really a set of actions fueled by a strong connection, and the ways people express it might range from inviting someone to couples counselling, to asking a friend to have a hard conversation about your relationship, to making a weekly schedule and sticking to it, no matter what. It isn’t something we can see and easily measure. And it isn’t always immediately obvious if your levels of commitment differ either.

You may both agree to a daily gym session and coffee before work, but come to find one of you is always trying to cancel while the other is always reluctant to accept this and pushing for continued attendance like you both agreed. While you did both agree, you didn’t actually realise that this was a proper commitment and you had essentially promised to be there. Nothing makes you want to do something less than feeling like you HAVE to do it regardless of if you want to or not.

In that sense it could be argued that commitment removes authenticity and sponetnaetity to a friendship, holding someone to something against their free will and removing their autonomy. And nobody in this world enjoys that feeling. It is then, that commitment starts feeling quite a lot like control. It’s not even always as full on as a daily thing. Sometimes it might be a fortnightly dinner and when one person says they can’t make it, their friend pushes for another night. Yet when that friend has to cancel another time, the first person might just allow it to slide until next fortnight.

And that can feel pretty lousy too. If it means enough to you that you would try to rearrange your schedule to fit your friend in, yet they don’t seem interested in making the same efforts in return, again that imbalance can feel pretty heavy. And it’s not exactly something you really sit down and discuss when you become friends with someone is it? This is more of a subtle thing that grows and develops over time and something we learn about each other slowly.

Does this mean that it is better not to involve commitment in friendships at all? Is that the factor that determines the difference between a friendship and a relationship? Society might prefer to believe this, and stick to the loose idea that friendships are more transient and fleeting. Because we can have many, they are watered down in intensity and if you no longer find yourself on the same page as a friend, the obvious conclusion is to go start a new story with someone else. The effort to save the friendship is where the commitment is really tested.

I really feel that this is ultimately what commitment is all about. That at the end of the day, if you disagree, a committed friend will not just cut and run. A committed friend will stay and try to work together to solve a problem.

I had issues with a very close friend of mine where it had started to feel like I was more invested and committed to our time together than she was. This started to cause us both some building resentment. She would cancel plans and I would say it was fine, while feeling hurt. Then eventually I had to tell her that her consistent cancelling felt horrible and like it was more important to me than it was to her. She then felt resentful that I didn’t understand all the other things on her plate and offended that I was making something that wasn’t personal all about me. (Yes, after 8 years of this blog, the whole point of which is “remember it’s not about you” I still struggle and sometimes take things way too personally. It’s a journey. I don’t think I will ever recover completely but I am able to pull myself out of this mindset more quickly these days. Which is progress, however slow!)

Anyway, eventually, as distance grew, I had to pull out the commitment card, and say “you are too important to me for us to end it here. I want to resolve this tension, blame is unhelpful, let’s work together and remember we are a team.” And it wasn’t hard after that. A while back we had committed to a schedule of meeting up, that worked at the time, and no longer worked now. So all we had to do, was change the commitment to something that did work for her. This way instead of cancelling, she was able to show up, and instead of expecting more than she could give and being disappointed, I readjusted what I could expect and am able to still find meaning in the time we do get together.

The commitment to fix us was way more important than our mismatched levels of commitment about our social schedule. And ultimately our commitment to stay connected was equal. I suppose commitment can be both a blessing and a curse. Some friendships don’t really require much at all, the only commitment being that you maintain positive regard for one another despite any distance. But if all our friendships were this casual I think we would be lonely and we do need another layer of friends who provide more closeness and consistency. With that comes commitment no matter what side of the coin you fall on in any given friendship.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship Therapy or Companion Counselling?

A few posts back, I mentioned Rhaina Cohen and an article she wrote about falling in love with a friend, and the resulting confusion arising from this platonic relationship that was much deeper than a friendship and yet less significant or more asexual than a typical relationship. Not quite an affair or a polyamorous pairing, given that the author was engaged and subsequently married her fiancé throughout this friendship, and he was well aware of it and the significance it played. He wasn’t threatened by it, perhaps, although I am speculating here, because the connection was affectionate but devoid of sex or that kind of attraction.

It does beg the question then, though, about emotional affairs, if they can actually exist and what constitutes them. A close emotional bond with someone your partner does not know about? Is that somehow worse than the same bond with a friend they know?  Is it the act of hiding the intimacy you share with another that would cross the line rather than the intimacy itself? Is it polyamorous if it meets the description of an emotional affair, yet your primary partner is ok with this? Or is it only polyamorous if it is a sexual connection? So many questions when we start exploring the grey space between friendships and relationships and the ways in which they often overlap.

All these questions piqued my curiosity, as I do have some very close friendships that run adjacent to my marriage, so I went looking for similar content describing these complicated relationships that fall in neither space completely. Which brought me to the book “Big Friendship” by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman. An interesting read about another 2 women who found themselves inexplicably attached to one another in ways that defied the labels we currently use for friendships and blurred the lines between friendships and relationships. While I have often referred to these as “Frelationships” these women have chosen the term big friendship. Perhaps because they wanted to emphasise the platonic nature of their pairing, but using the term big to symbolize the amount of space it took up in their emotional realms? Whereas my terminology focusses more on the relationship aspect of the platonic pairings, with only a hint at the friendship. Maybe this is because it is less important to me to shy away from the implications of homosexual relationships, or maybe it is just because it often feels more like a relationship than a friendship, platonic or otherwise.

Anyway, I digress. Big Friendship is about 2 women who find themselves in the grey space, and spend many years growing this partnership in harmony. Spoiler alert…. They go on to become semi famous with their friendship podcast, and hence known as some sort of ideal role model for women to look up to and strive towards in regards to their own best friendship goals. People envied their closeness, and yet, slowly, over the course of time, distance started creeping in between the women. So while they were publicly projecting the image of the perfect happy friendship, behind the scenes their closeness was actually crumbling.

This gives way to the notion that friendships, particularly these intense friendships that feel bigger than the role they typically got assigned to in life, struggle with ups and downs just the same as any relationship does. There is this pervasive idea in society that friendships are easy, lifelong and harmonious. Not only is this harmful, it is also wildly untrue. What feels truer to me, is that when people start feeling resentments or difficulties in friendships, they just commonly withdraw from the connection and say nothing, or confront one another and go their separate ways. It is considered perfectly acceptable to leave the life of a friend with little to no explanation under the guise of being “busy” and any friend who dares speak on this is automatically wrong and considered high drama.

Why is it, for example, if one person seeks space, and the other seeks connection, that the need for space automatically becomes seen as more important than the need for connection? The needs are opposing, and I can see where the incompatibility is showing, however I struggle to understand why seeking connection is a less important need? In a time where we are experiencing a loneliness epidemic no less? Regardless, the point stands that when a friendship experiences drama, the generally accepted result is to withdraw for a time or forever. Yet, when a romantic relationship experiences drama, it is considered cold to walk away or withdraw and the expectation is wildly different. Romantic relationships are given a higher priority and couples of this nature are expected to do the hard work, have the hard conversations and repair the relationship. So much so, that there are entire clinics that specialize in couples therapy alone.

Why is it that a friendship is not offered the same support? Is it because a person is expected to have many friends, so the pairing should be easily replaced? Is it because we don’t believe in platonic love? Or just don’t value it? I have more questions than answers, so I was delighted to read a book where 2 friends attended couples counselling together and eager to read for myself the outcome of this endeavour. Would they heal the rift? Would counselling just tear more old wounds open? Would it allow them to decide to part ways in more amicable and respectable but finalized terms? You will have to read the book for yourself to find out.

My issue with the concept, was that when I thought of the mere idea of suggesting my friend attend therapy with me, I felt overwhelmingly embarrassed and giggly. Do I find the notion laughable? If so, why? My friend and I could definitely benefit from professional therapeutic intervention. So why does the idea of asking her to do this make me think we would be rolling on the floor in fits of hysterics at the mere suggestion? I think it might be social conditioning at play, or an unwillingness to accept in all seriousness that we are a relationship and we are in trouble.

In theory, I support the concept, however I think deep down the idea of therapy to help us communicate makes me nervous because if we are such close friends, shouldn’t we be able to communicate without help? If we need therapy, does that mean it’s over and we don’t want to accept this? Then again, can’t the same be said for couples? I don’t know the exact specific statistics on the success of couples counselling, but I would be willing to bet more end than survive. Which leads you to wonder if it boils down to a matter of commitment? Those committed to staying together, do. They have the hard conversations, or they don’t, and things change, or they don’t, but in the end, if they both want to stay together, then that is the end result.

Maybe the idea of raising the issue makes me laugh because my friend has an avoidant attachment style, and laughing at inappropriately serious moments is what we do to combat awkwardness. Cue laughing during her appointment at the bank to finalise her home loan approval documents, laughing at traumatic or deeply emotional scenes in movies and plays, and even during our own strained conversations about us and our frelationship. She is the kind of person who would have made me laugh in an exam at school or laugh at a funeral although there is nothing funny about death.

Ultimately, I can’t foresee me realistically suggesting this to a friend, although I support the concept and am a big believer in the power of a psychologist. But if a friend suggested this to me, in all seriousness, I definitely think I would say yes, maybe out of sheer curiosity… But also out of gratitude that our friendship was important enough to them to want to make this sort of investment to save it. That appears to be a friend worth keeping if you ask me. As I wont ask, maybe I am not one after all? Hmmm that’s an uncomfortable thought…. Maybe I should be asking…

Would you ask a friend to attend couples counselling with you? Would you go if a friend asked you? Have you been? Did it work? Leave a comment and let me know!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Communication in Conflict

A few months back, I posted about a falling out I had with a close friend, and the apology and reconciliation that followed. Our friendship did not fracture in that conflict, but it is safe to say it sustained some damage, and despite the fact that conflict, when handled correctly, can actually bring 2 people closer, without the required communication, it can also leave the friendship in a state of disrepair. This is where my friend and I have found ourselves. Unwilling to let go and unable to really move forward.

This is not the first time our friendship has taken a hard hit where it hurts, and the last time actually did fracture the friendship. We took over a year apart, to cool off and lick our respective wounds before finding ourselves drawn back together for round 2. Well, round 2, wasn’t necessarily what we considered it to be, at the time, but given our current circumstances, it is fair to say that is how it ended up. The thing is, that we never really discussed that first fracture. It was water under the bridge and bringing it up would only throw us back in to drown a second time.

Onwards and upwards. We had each learned a fair bit about each other, both during our friendship, and our time apart. We had both reflected on some things, and decided to approach each other this time, in a less intense way. There was never any doubt that we loved each other, in fact, we loved each other enough to be mindful of the weak spots, and keep the jabs light. A playful game of sparring with the understanding that if this was a boxing match, for one to win, the other had to lose, which made us both losers. So we kept it much less complicated by using jokes and junk food at the forefront and pesky emotions tucked away.

This did work, except for the fact that it felt more like a façade than a friendship at times, and it lacked authenticity. While we wanted to be as close as we once were, and we acted as if we were just as close, beneath the surface, emotions were building that were not being expressed. It was only a matter of time before one, or both of us broke. As you’d expect, what could have been a vent of steam slowly over time, instead built into a massive explosion, which is probably exactly where the expression ‘mountains out of molehills’ originated. One small crack, the straw that broke the camels back.

And although we continue flying forward together, since then, both pilots appear to be in the brace position, neither taking the controls and flying the plane. Autopilot has got us this far, however, sooner or later it starts inevitably running low on fuel and we can’t land and refuel with neither of us at the controls. As a matter of fact, both of us need to be at the controls for this, working effectively as a team. So we need to get ourselves out of the brace position and try to save the aircraft or it will certainly crash just as we both fear it will.

Unfortunately for us, this means communicating about the conflict between us. Or, more specifically, the damage each of us has sustained in the last crash landing and the resulting damage to the friendship. We are both frightened, because the trust has been the part hardest hit. As a result, neither is wanting or willing to say “I am hurting.” But the truth is exactly that. We have hurt each other and being vulnerable again feels terrifying.

Luckily for us, my friend has travelled a fair bit this year, and for some strange reason, we are able to talk a little more openly when we are not face to face. So, when my friend kept asking me for favours in her absence, I was able to express that it felt like she was only keeping in touch when she wanted something, and she was able to address that, apologise, explain that she asks me because she knows I am reliable and she can depend on me, and that she doesn’t like the idea that I think she asks too much of me. She then sent me a beautiful little thing about best friends and I felt inspired to tell her that I felt the same ways, but that it felt things were not good between us at the moment. She agreed, and we sent a few thoughts about this. She said she felt I was no longer vulnerable with her anymore, and hadn’t been in a long while. I agreed with her, and reflected that currently we don’t feel safe with each other, and we need to address this, in order to fix us. We shared a joke about how awkward this conversation was going to be, but equally important, because if I no longer felt safe telling her when I was hurt or upset, she wouldn’t know and it would only get worse.

This was my friend’s way of asking me to explain why we had fallen out earlier in the year. Something I did not want to directly discuss, and something I knew would be hard for her to hear. But she is right, if I don’t disclose which behaviours are triggering me, then she cannot address or change them. If I don’t trust her enough to let her in, then I only shut her out, and if I shut her out emotionally, she may as well still be shut out of my life. This is why we are struggling. I have not been able to let her back in.

I don’t want to lose this person, and I had been afraid that telling her the things bothering me would only cause more problems, because really, they can’t be solved. Our lives have both changed and as a result, so has our friendship. This is a perfectly normal progression. But what was really holding us back is not that she cannot solve the problems, it is that she is not sharing the emotional load with me. I have to tell her what I am carrying so she can help me hold it up and hold it together!

And so, we had the awkward conversation. It wasn’t about who was wrong and who was right. It was about opening up to each other again, opening our hearts and the channels of communication. It is one thing to be open and honest about your positive feelings, however if you cannot communicate your more difficult emotions and issues, you actually can’t really connect, or in our case, reconnect.

My friend was patient with me. She understood we needed some distance from the fall out to discuss it more freely, and she trusted me to open up to her again in time. It feels so much better now I have and we can be real with one another. My next challenge is to raise things in real time rather than repressing until I explode again. Being authentic and vulnerable is hard during times of conflict, but you’ve got to do it, if you want to get through it….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Blindsided By Boundaries

Last week we talked about listening and sharing, and how to show interest in a new friend, or even an old one, without making them feel interviewed or interrogated. At the end of that post, I touched on the issue of a friend asking you something you don’t feel comfortable sharing, and I wanted to explore that further this week.

I completely admit to being a bit guilty of interviewing new people. It isn’t intentional, I just love getting to know new people and learning all about them, their lives, and what has brought them to this point in their journey and made them who they are today. Human nature and armchair psychology fascinates me, and I really want to understand the people in my circle and how they tick. So it’s ironic that sometimes the very thing I am trying to achieve to bring us closer, is the very same thing that ends up pushing them away.

One person in my circle, for example, often complains that her adult son only communicates with her sporadically, only tells her what he wants her to know, and frequently does not answer her calls, texts or emails. She adds that on the occasions he does respond, he only shares parts of his life, ignores many of her questions and leaves her feeling unwanted in his life. This rejection is painful, and as my own son is on the cusp of adulthood now, I am sure I will be able to relate much more in the years to come.

However, I am not quite there yet, and so I find myself reminding this person that her son is an adult, he is entitled to his privacy. She argues of course that the things she wants to know about are not overtly personal, that she is just interested in the comings and goings of his day to day life, as she shares the day to day of hers. It is lost on her that he is disinterested in what she had for dinner on Saturday night, or what her next door neighbour’s daughter’s best friend’s uncle said about her neighbour and the ensuing feud. She feels rejected both by his lack of interest in her own life, and his lack of interest in sharing his own life.

I find myself defending her son, assuring her that he is busy, that he does not have time at this stage of his life, while he is married and raising young kids of his own, to include her in every detail of his existence, and so when he does take the time to reply to her email, he only has 5 or 10 minutes to do so, he might not be inclined to answer every little question about every little thing – he needs to stick to the point. As nice as long lingering conversations may be, his life is not in a place right now to allow that relaxed free flow of conversation.

When he doesn’t answer questions she wants answers to, I have no doubt in my mind that she simply asks again. She doesn’t mean to be intrusive, and doesn’t consider herself to be such, and when the questions are benign, such as “how did grandchild go at team sports this weekend?” or caring such as “what did the doctor say at your appointment last week?” she feels excluded from his life when he still doesn’t answer. While the truth may be that he really doesn’t know how his kid went at sports or that the doctor’s appointment was general and benign and not worth mentioning, the only possibility she can see is that he doesn’t want her to know!

And is it so bad if he doesn’t? Does she NEED to know the answers to these questions? No. She wants to know, is interested to know and is attempting to show interest and care… the same interest and care she wishes he would reciprocate by asking and showing interest in her own life. However, just because she asked, more than once, does not mean that he is obligated to tell her. And if he feels a boundary is being crossed, because she is disrespecting his right to privacy with intrusive questions, he will only pull away further.

And actually, I can relate to this in both senses. I definitely have at least one person in my life who demands more information with than I am always interested in sharing. I am a fairly open book with most people, and I do like it when people ask questions because it feels like they care. So, while it is uncommon, I may skip over a question I don’t want to answer, because I feel the answer wont be the one she wants to hear, and I am not interested in her thoughts and feelings on what she thinks I should have said or done. That said, if pressed, in the spirit of keeping communication open, I will usually offer a vague answer that is not untrue, but not entirely true either and move the conversation along nicely.

I also remember a situation where a friend and I would exchange long emails. In these emails we would share and ask questions and cover a range of topics about life and love, and it was easy to skip over a question or not answer, undeliberately (how is that not a word?!) and so I may ask again, if the question was missed. To be honest, I am not sure how many times this happened, or how many times I may have re-asked the same question that my friend was clearly intentionally avoiding, however she soon became exasperated with my unintended intrusiveness and retorted that when she did not answer my questions, it was not an invitation to ask them again. I felt hurt and blindsided by this assertion of her boundaries, as I genuinely had no idea I was doing this and we had shared very openly before, so I wasn’t aware that I was crossing any boundary. I felt this person must think poorly of me to be so insistent and nosey, and after that I felt unsafe to ask questions about her or her life, because I was unsure what would be considered off limits, and was not interested in a second scolding.

It isn’t that I didn’t want to respect her boundaries, the truth was simply that I didn’t understand what they were. I can’t recall if I apologized, although I suspect I didn’t, nor did I communicate that I had not understood where the boundary was crossed so I could be mindful not to cross it again. Similarly, the friend in question also did not take the time to communicate with me which topics felt safe for her, and which did not. Essentially it was a miscommunication, when really all the above scenarios could easily have been solved by saying directly “I know you only ask because you care and you are genuinely interested, which I appreciate, however this is a topic I don’t feel comfortable discussing, and I would prefer not to answer your questions about it. I hope you understand.” Or “I’m sorry I crossed a boundary there. Of course you don’t have to answer my questions just because I ask, however, it would help me if you replied with “I’d rather not discuss that” so I understand where the boundary lies next time.”

It is ok to have boundaries, and it is ok to ask friends to respect them. But both sides have to be mature enough to communicate what the boundaries are and where the line is, without losing positive regard and believing the best intentions of one another to continue the connection. Without clear communication, boundaries can seem counterintuitive to connection, so this needs to be addressed delicately.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Interest, Interview, or Interrogation.

My son made a new friend at work recently, and I was so proud of him, because when he started the job and I mentioned that perhaps he would make some new friends, he scoffed at the idea and exclaimed that he already had friends, and did not need any more! Haha I tried to tell him that we continue making friends our whole lives, sometimes intentionally, but often circumstantially – like working together, but  at the time he was having none of that nonsense! In case it wasn’t obvious, my son is on the ASD spectrum, so sometimes he requires a bit of a social story or script to help him navigate changes.

As my son was telling me about the new lad he had befriended, I asked how old this boy was. My son couldn’t tell me, nor could he tell me if this guy could drive, where he went to school or much else at all. At least he did know his name! That’s a start. So, I took the opportunity to explain to my son that when someone becomes a friend, it is customary to get to know them, by showing interest and asking questions about themselves.

Next thing you know, this young lad is being bombarded with questions about his age and driving status, and all matter of other things. I am always pleased when my son takes my advice and is willing to grow and learn, because change is so difficult for him, but he really does want to get it right in life. So situations like these need to be handled carefully, because while he took my advice, and was indeed showing interest, his questions were coming across in such a way that it seemed more like an interview, or even an interrogation rather than a conversation or an exchange of information, sharing interesting things about themselves to one another.

My son, disheartened, insisted he was only doing what I had told him to do, and, to be fair, he was right. I should know by now just how literally my son takes things, and I had not done a good job of explaining the nuances and that it should be a casual conversation, whereby you slowly get to know someone and you both share things with each other, as they become relevant, and that you couldn’t learn everything there was to know about someone in one text exchange. Not only that, but done all at once like this, was too rigid, formal and impersonal, despite that being the opposite of his intention.

But the truth is, maybe I wasn’t the best person to be trying to teach him this lesson, because in all honesty, this is probably an area in which I have struggled somewhat too. Maybe we all have? I am guilty of asking too many questions, and not always knowing or toeing the line of how much a person, particularly a new person to my life, is comfortable sharing. I am also a listener more than a talker generally speaking, which means I might not actually leave room for myself in the conversation, while I am so busy learning all about them! I really should learn to say, for example, “I am a big fan of 90’s music, what music are you interested in?” Then allow the conversation to permeate there for a time before a more natural transition comes up, rather than jumping straight to “we would have been in high school then, what school did you attend? B

I do sometimes find I have been friends with someone for quite some time before I realise that while I know their whole life story, they know virtually nothing about me and mine. It can feel hurtful that they haven’t been interested enough to ask, but it may also be true that I have been more comfortable redirecting the conversation back in their direction when they have tried. It could be the pervasive idea that there is nothing interesting about me, or low self esteem in questioning why anyone would be interested. It could be a defense mechanism that works on the belief that if I open up to new people, I will start investing and stand to get hurt when they don’t like what they hear, or even an insecurity that if I reveal myself, my true self, that they really wont like me. Regardless, it is something I do need to work on myself.

I know others, who suffer the opposite affliction too. These people are the talkers, and yes, we are often drawn to each other. These people may have some narcissistic traits and qualities, although by no means am I calling them full blown narcs. It’s just that they seem to find themselves endlessly interesting, funny, and intelligent and they seem to feel that they are enlightening you by gracing you with their company in the first place. And they warmed to me, a listener instantly, because not many people have had the patience and tolerance to listen to them go on about themselves endlessly. They are probably unaware that they even do this, or that they ask questions only because they are waiting for their turn to speak. For example, they ask how your weekend was, but before you have even started answering they have launched into a story about their own…. And that was the real reason they raised the topic in the first place.

This leads me to conclude that as a listener, I need to share more actively, and ask questions in such a way that I first share something about myself before asking the other person about themselves. While some of my talker friends, need to be the ones who sometimes ask, and then actively listen to my answer, because being asked about does feel good. It does show interest and care, as long as it is done in the right manner. Added to which, I need to be mindful that there is no rush to know everything about someone all at once. Nor any need for them to know or care about every aspect of myself either.

Actually, because actions speak louder than words at the end of the day, there are things you cannot and will not know about people by listening to them anyway. Over time, people reveal themselves slowly. When they tell you about themselves, by all means listen, and take their word for that, however we must be open to the possibility that none of us are as great, nor as terrible as we may believe ourselves to be. I mean, I call myself a listener, not a talker… yet it is not lost on me that the only real voice in this blog is my own, nor that I definitely have at least one friend who would classify me as a talker not a listener. Different people bring out different sides of us, after all.

Essentially, I am saying show interest, interview someone slowly over the course of time, and make sure you are sharing in equal measure, to keep the balance and keep it reciprocal. And be mindful of when you enter interrogation mode, as this is where boundaries are crossed. Just because someone asked you something, does not mean you are obliged to answer or disclose more than you are comfortable with.

More on that next week!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Push and Pull Potential Pals

Because I write about friendships, read about friendships and care a great deal about the subject and how friendships affect our mental health, it shouldn’t come as any surprise to you that when people I know have friendship issues, they turn to me for guidance and support.

One of the most common friendship complaints I get, tends to be about push and pull pals. Hot and cold, cat and mouse type of situations. These typically occur during the initial courting period, although not always. (I say courting in reference to the beginnings of a friendship sprouting and attempting to grow, I feel there isn’t really a word for that in our language, similar to the ending of a friendship which is also often referred to as a break up for lack of better terms.)

In general, it involves 2 people that meet regularly under a certain context, be it in a church or a gym class or at the dog park. It begins as someone you chat to politely about surface level topics once a twice a week. Initially, it’s probably of little consequence to either of you. But after a longer stretch you find you start looking forward to your little chats and are disappointed if they aren’t there. When they return, you ask if everything is ok, because you are growing concern for them. Next thing you know, they are asking how your doctors appointment went, and shortly after that you exchange numbers.

It’s nice and exciting to make a new friend, at any age. But there seems to be a concerning pattern of the new friend being super keen, and then disinterested, or giving what feels like mixed signals. This too, is not unique to a specific age range. And it can be an awkward thing to talk about, not least because you actually don’t know how to describe this person or your relationship. Is it an acquaintance or a friend? Is it a new friend or just a potential friend? Is it a casual friend or just a neighbour? And, if you aren’t even sure how to describe your relationship, why are you worried about it? Why should someone you hardly know be on your mind? Does it even matter?

The reason this person is on your mind, is because you like them, and you would like them to become a friend. The reason you are worried about it and analysing the signs, is because you aren’t sure if the sentiment is actually reciprocated. Sometimes you think it is, then the next you aren’t so sure.

Let’s say, for examples sake, that this new person invites you out to see a local theatre production, and you have a lovely time together. You stop for coffee after the matinee and your conversation flows easily, and although isn’t deeply personal, gets below the surface of the weather and the news and the context of your meeting. You leave the evening feeling really happy and pleased that you feel you have made a new friend. You tell your partner when you get home how much you appreciate this new person and share your hopes that the 2 of you might become closer. Then you message them to say you had a lovely time with them and suggest a different activity to try in a few weeks time.

They read your message, but do not respond. I don’t know many people who wouldn’t start to wonder, after a few days, if they didn’t share the sentiment, and perhaps feel a little embarrassed about your enthusiasm if they actually did not have an enjoyable afternoon. You can’t fathom why, when you thought it went so well, and ruminate on the happenings to see if you can identify signs or something you did or said that might have put them off.

The next time you see them, in the original context, they smile and say hello, tell you that they are sorry they can’t make it to the event you suggested as they are throwing a dinner party that night. At the conclusion of the meeting, you hear someone else thanking your new friend for the invitation to the dinner party, and wonder why you weren’t invited, when you believed you were closer to them than the person they did invite. You remind yourself to be mature and understand that invitations to such events have to stop somewhere and your new friend is trying to make new connections which is admirable. You decide to accept that the friendship didn’t spark for them, no matter the reason and put it out of your mind.

Then, a few days later, this person calls you and you have quite a personal conversation about their relationship troubles, and again, you are wondering where you stand. If they didn’t consider you a friend, why confide in you, and if they do consider you a friend, why did they reject your invitation, not extend an invite to their party and not respond to your message at least with a counter offer… or at all? Should you just move on, or keep trying?

The answer to this, is kind of both and kind of neither. The confusion around this is uncomfortable and you would like to be out of the limbo stage, and know where you stand. Are you friends, or not? The answer is not yet. You may have a desire to grow this friendship at a faster pace than the other person. An all or nothing attitude here will only ensure that you are not friends. And I can tell you from experience that I have friendships that planted seeds a few years before they sprouted and another few years before they blossomed. I wouldn’t have had these wonderful connections if I stopped watering them all together.

You cannot control the outcome, nor the pace, however, it hurts not to keep an open mind, be friendly, but keep your expectations low. Offer them the opportunity to be a friend in return by sharing something vulnerable of your own and see if they are able to and interested in providing you with support. Encourage them to invest in your friendship by being warm and accommodating, listening when they feel like talking, accepting invitations they do extend and being patient when they do not. Extend your own invitations even if they never take you up on it, without  any pressure. Do not make the mistake of taking any refusals personally. If they are still reaching out to you in any context, the friendship is still sprouting, the potential is there, you can feel that, it’s just that the conditions just aren’t right yet.

They may never be right. This might just be how they are as a person, preferring to have many friends they see once a year than a few they see more often. They may really like you, but already have a full social calendar and aren’t really looking for the same level of friendship as you are right now. Maybe they are someone who has a flavour of the month friend, that they rotate between on some sort of unspoken roster, that only they understand. If so, it’ll be your turn again, and when it isn’t, perhaps it is just because someone else needs them now more than you do? Or maybe they are just a restless social butterfly with a limited attention span, who sometimes feels like connecting then suddenly needs to retreat? You wont know straight away, because you can’t know someone quickly – but over time they will reveal themselves. Which is why it isn’t wise to jump too quickly into friendships anyway in the first place before you really know them. But once you do, all you can do is accept them as they are and what they have to offer, when they offer it.

If it is too hurtful or confusing for you to tolerate, then all you have to do is pull back a little yourself. Offer less support or show less interest. Answer messages and calls less frequently and return to being cordial. Basically, mirror back to them the same energy and effort they are showing you, which isn’t unfriendly, but also isn’t much. It definitely is more friendly than friends.

Not everything is black and white… not everything has a clear or immediate answer. And it doesn’t need definitive action. Let it unfold naturally. It might be beautiful and well worth the wait. You never know. If not, what did you lose?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

From Daddy’s Girl on Father's Day.

I don’t know where you are in the world, but I am writing this from sunny Australia! And yes, it is fairly sunny, even in winter, as it is here, although thankfully the warmer weather is on its way to us as we approach spring in a few days. What else warms my heart this week, is father’s day. If you have been following my blog for a while, you will probably know I write some standard posts each year.

I write a new years post, and a GALentines day post. There will be an Easter post, and then a mother’s day post. I sometimes, although with less consistency, write a Halloween post, and shortly after that, you will be hit by an onslaught of my Christmas posts! This year, it dawned on me, that I have never, as far as memory serves, actually written a Father’s Day post. Which is really odd, because I am out and out a daddy’s girl.

I know many of you, might not have had the privilege of being raised with love and care from your father, and for that, I am deeply sorry. I can’t imagine having grown up without my own, being that most of my favourite memories from my childhood have him in them. I am, therefore, writing from a place of privilege, and don’t recommend this post for anyone who may find it triggering.

I don’t know if what I have been told is true, but I have always loved the story of how my mother fell on an escalator when she was 6 or 7 months pregnant with me, and my Dad’s first concern was “the baby!” Apparently I was daddy’s girl long before I was born. Although I don’t remember much before I was 3 or 4, I remember all the times I would cry because I fell down, or banged my head, and my dad would make me giggle by marching over to the wall and giving it a good telling off for hurting his little girl.

I remember him paying me to collect the snails off the leaves in the garden, and lovingly spending hours every weekend cleaning the pool in the hot sun, testing the water PH and getting all the pool toys out the shed for me, because I was afraid of spiders. I remember him teaching me to swim, and fixing punctures in my bike tyres.  I remember him carrying me on his shoulders for so long that my legs lost feeling and felt all heavy and tingly when he put me down again. I remember listening to the sound of his voice through his chest as I cuddled in to him if they were out late with me at a friends house as I fell asleep.

As I got older, I remember him helping me in long jump by giving me a boost, then lovingly taking me to the emergency department when I broke my arm as a result… where I promptly told the doctors and nurses that “daddy threw me!” I remember him getting up early and taking me to netball in the rain and diligently watching the games even if I was often the reserve player. I remember him driving me and my friends to brownies, coming to collect us again a short while later, and dropping my friends home on the way.

I remember him taking me to get a puppy, against my mum’s wishes and letting me bring back the male dog I fell in love with, when I was specifically told to get a female. I remember him caring for, loving and walking that dog for many years after I shirked my promised responsibilities and moved out of home! I remember him buying me the pink sheepskin rug from some farm, although there was no room for it really, either in the car or at home.

I remember him taking a stand at the airport because I was not seated with him on a family trip around the world, and him insisting I needed to be seated with him in case of an emergency, so he could save me. I remember seeing on the news about war and bombs and expressing concern that myself or my brother might be sent to war, and him reassuring me he would go in our place, as he had lived his life and we were yet to live ours. I remember feeling naïvely secure in this. I remember him telling me if I ever got lost, to stay exactly where I was, because he would not rest until he found me safe and sound. I remember him taking me to the driving range or mini golf, or taking me and my friend to adventure world. I remember him riding the rides I was brave enough to ride with me.

I remember wandering off at some international airport and hearing the panic and terror in his voice that he had lost sight of me. I remember my brother fearing that anything might happen to me while in his care, for fear of dad’s wrath. I remember him driving me and my friends to and from work, when we all got part time jobs at the supermarket that was not the local one. Being there at 9pm to drive us all home to houses not especially close together. I remember him advocating for my rights when said supermarket tried to dismiss me without following due process and keeping my job for many years after that.

I remember him taking me and my friends camping, despite fears that it didn’t look appropriate, and making sure he slept in the car while we were in the tent. I remember him buying my first car, making sure it was blue and had a bubble butt just like I asked for, then registering it and insuring it and servicing it long after I was 18. I remember him moving my furniture both times I moved house.

I remember him walking me down the aisle, and dancing with me at my wedding. I remember the lovely words in his speech. I do not remember a single moment I didn’t feel loved and protected, safe and secure.

But those aren’t my only fond memories of him. I remember him getting drunk and wearing his silly Scotsman outfit at new years and boxing day parties. I remember him always having to “finish his cup of tea first” before he did anything. I remember helping him in the hash house when he started rogaining, and the way he lovingly chased my children in endless games of jelly monster and their squeals of delight. Not to mention taking me and my son back to the UK to meet the extended family, and then patiently spending nearly all 24 hours or so of said flight pacing up and down the plane aisle with my crying baby, as it was the only way to calm and quiet him. (We later learned, when dad took him to the doctor when we arrived, that the plane had hurt my son’s ears and he’d developed an infection - hence his miserable discomfort!)

We didn’t always see eye to eye, dad and I, probably because we are more alike than I realise. There were many fights and tantrums along the way, because I was spoiled and ungrateful and took my father for granted. I have never really acknowledged how blessed I was to have him as a father. For being a role model of what to expect of my own husband, of how to be treated well and respected. For teaching me to advocate for myself and my own children. For teaching me there is more than one way to solve a maths equation or many of life’s other problems. And for always being there – to this day – no matter what I need or when I need it.

My father and I don’t really spend much time alone together the way my mother and I do. Perhaps that’s just the normal way of things. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t my friend. He was the first man I loved and will hold my heart long after he stopped holding my hand. And, he is one of my son’s best friends and favourite people. He took him camping, took him on the train to teach him how to get to TAFE, takes him for driving lessons. (And basically walked him all the way from Australia to the UK as previously mentioned!) He also takes good care of my mother, and my brother and his family. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for any of us!

Dad, you’re not just one of my son’s favourite people, you are one of mine too. I know everyone says their dad was the best on Father’s Day, but they’re all wrong you see, because you really are the best. Happy Father’s Day to a man who is more than just a father, more than just family, he is a friend for life. I couldn’t have asked for a better man to be my father, and I couldn’t love you more.

❤ Love,
Missy, Your BFFN (and favourite daughter, obviously! Haha)
xx

Feeling Replaced

Last week I wrote about feeling left behind. Both in life, and in friendships. However it dawned on me that sometimes we might use the term ‘left behind’ to describe the feeling we have when a friend moves on in their lives, and sort of replaces us with new people. It might describe that we are part of their old life that they have left behind, to make a new one with our replacement.

In the last post I spoke about a friend who was upset when I had my firstborn. This person used the terms left behind and replaced often when describing her feelings about the situation. At the time, both because I was young, and because I couldn’t fathom in the ways my friend could, how much motherhood would change my life, her comments confused and upset me.

Firstly, I reasoned, she did not want to have children, and often spoke passionately about her love of her childfree life and future, so how was I leaving her behind when this was a path she never intended to walk anyway. Secondly, we could still be friends, despite the fact that I would have a baby, and this wouldn’t change anything, would it? I would still be me, we could and would, still be friends. Can you guess which one of us was wrong? In typical fashion, it was me that was wrong.

The friend in question enjoyed late night house parties with loud music and tequila. She knew I did not love any of the above things. I am an early riser, preferring 5am starts to 5am bedtimes. I am not a big drinker as my liver has trouble processing alcohol apparently so it makes me quite ill quite quickly. And I prefer quiet spaces, with a calm energy. So, while she was sad I would no longer be able to attend these gatherings, no part of me thought of this as a loss. I much preferred the idea of weekend picnic lunches at the park with the kid, or quiet dinners at my place after the baby was asleep for the night.

While my friend was seemingly willing to accommodate this change, she enjoyed the idea of me having a mini plus one everywhere I went as much as I enjoyed her parties. So when the baby came along and I was all talk of nappies and breastfeeding, not to mention too tired to get dressed let alone go to the park, it surprised me that she wasn’t as engaged in our friendship. I had tried to still be attentive to her, keep up with the happenings of her life, but it was hard for her to talk to me really, when I was constantly and consistently interrupted by a screaming baby.

She was jealous when I spoke of my new friends from mother’s group and playgroup. I couldn’t understand why. These women were people who had babies the same age as my own. It didn’t mean they were closer or more important than the friends I had before I became a mother. These new women didn’t know me, not the way my old friend did. However, I suppose as it turned out, they knew the person I had become, and she knew the person I used to be. We came to blows when she wanted to visit one day, and I asked her to come a different day, because that was playgroup day.

From her perspective, she should have been the priority, as I saw the others every week, and her less than once a month. From my perspective, I had a new commitment to these friends for our weekly catch up, and it was the only day in the week where I got out of the house and the baby would play without me directly entertaining him. She could come, literally any other of the 6 days in that week. Neither of us was right or wrong. She could easily have agreed to come another day and I could just as easily missed playgroup for that one week. But neither of us was willing to bend to the other’s will. It brought about the very end she feared and foresaw, although honestly I was more naïve and blindsided by it.

From her perspective, she had been losing me anyway, slowly and painfully, while I was blissfully unaware, as I had other things distracting me. She felt she had been watching me replace her for over 2 years, and expecting her to grin and bare it. From my perspective, she didn’t understand motherhood and the constraints on my time and mental energy. That I really couldn’t come to the parties – even if I had a sitter, I had to go home and be a parent early the next morning. I had no desire to stay up all night, even if I could, which I could not. She felt I had stopped showing up to her life, and she had felt no matter how hard she tried, there was no room for her in mine.

We lost contact a long time ago now, and for most of that time, I thought she was wrong. I still don’t think she was right, to be clear, it’s just that now I see I wasn’t right either. As my children race toward adulthood, I sometimes wonder; could she have been more patient with me? Children are only children for a short time really. I have much more freedom these days, and have done really for the past few years at least. Had she waited just 2 or 3 more years, I would begin to re-emerge from the depths of motherhood to spend time with my friends childfree to talk about anything other than children! Maybe her parties would have offered an excuse for a night off, and maybe I might have enjoyed blowing off steam more by then.

But I am not unaware, that having an unfulfilling friendship for 5 years, that used to be extremely close, is painful and challenging and seems like a lifetime. Why should or would she put her own needs on hold for 5 years until I remembered her existence. I can’t say I blame her really. I have friends with children 3 to 5 years younger than my own, and while I was keen for play dates, the children were at such different stages, it was hard finding things everyone wanted to do. And while my kids could go off and play, they either had to follow theirs around all the time, or were constantly interrupted and distracted. Sound familiar?

I had an advantage over my old friend, in that I understood this phase of motherhood, and that it would not last too long, so I was patient and tolerant, and before you knew it, they had all grown up into big kids with some level of autonomy. They could play, we could talk. We could get babyistters and go out without them. Now, the youngest of those kids is 10, and all the friendships survived.

However, I do have one friend contemplating a later in life journey into motherhood, and suddenly, I am in the position of my old friend. Knowing that however unintentionally, our friendship will change, and it is unlikely it will meet my needs. No longer will there be movies and comedy shows and gossip and laughter. Our kids will be far too far apart to be friends, or play. One of mine will probably be an adult by the time her own is even born. Will I be interested in baby talk? Will I be patient with the distractions and interruptions? Will I enjoy playcentres and picnics at the park over movies and comedy shows? Will I feel jealous and replaced by her new circle of friends sharing and relating to her journey as they travel the path together in ways I can’t really. Will I be flexible and find ways to make it work? Or will I also get stuck in loss and resentment for the change? Will I be part of her new life, or only part of her past?

I hope I know the answers to these questions, and can use my own past experiences to ensure a better outcome for us than my old friendship…. But suddenly the feeling of being left behind and replaced feels a lot more palpable. Either way, I will need to move my own life forward too, because change is inevitable and if I don’t, I can see how easy it would be to sit in my grief and loss. I will need to find new ways to meet my needs for fun, and understand this is my problem to fix and not her burden to carry. Otherwise I will feel replaced, and to be honest, I probably wont enjoy sitting back and watching that happen any more than my old friend did.

What goes around, really does come around eventually. It’s a test of what we have learned. I hope I pass. But only time will tell….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Feeling Left Behind

Life is a funny thing, as we all walk similar paths, yet take slightly different routes. When you are young, you assume you are always all on the same path, walking at the same pace, to arrive at the same destinations, at the same times. I suppose, in a way, it does start like that as we travel through our school journeys with familiar faces and combined paces. Then seemingly suddenly, we ae thrust into the real world and all seem to scatter.

If you are as lucky as I am, there will be a select few from these years that  you manage to hold onto, and maintain a friendship with, but the ones you lose along the way might have suddenly seemed to be going places at a much faster speed than you yourself are travelling. This is probably when you start having those niggling feelings of feeling left behind.

Once we are thrust into the real world, and become adults in a legal sense, suddenly there is this pressure and just like that, the race is on! The question remains…. The race to what? Some are chasing fame and fortune, while others are running down the aisle towards marriage and children. Many are off getting fancy degrees and qualifications, or even leaving school early to chase apprenticeships in trades. A good few take off on travelling adventures, committed to seeing and experiencing the world before settling down. A lot are moving out and testing their independence either with friends or partners, playing house. So if you happened to be someone who continued working at your same part time job, playing video games and living at home with no real direction…. It’s probably a safe bet to say you did feel left behind, and I am willing to put money on it that your parents or guardians weren’t shy in pointing this out to you!

Typically, and eventually, it can be safely assumed everyone finds their feet in the end, and makes new friends in similar places in their lives, which, with any luck, quietens that little voice telling you that you aren’t keeping up with the crowd… mostly because the crowd you are now running with appear to be on the same path and again at the same pace. But, before you know it, suddenly you are 30. Your high school reunion is coming up, and those self-doubts start creeping in again. Everyone is so much more successful than you. The fat kids lost the weight, while you gained it. The nerds are all CEO’s or important well paid scientists and engineers, doctors and architects. The tradies all have businesses of their own. The travellers have lived abroad and seem worldly and more mature. 50% of your peers have children, and 75% of them have mortgages. It feels like 100% of them have partners.

While you look forward to catching up with your old crew again and seeing where life took them over the years, it is hard not to compare yourself and find yourself lacking in one area or another…. Or maybe all of them. What you don’t realise is that the ones who have successful careers, perhaps feel left behind by the ones with children. The ones with children wish they could travel. The ones who travel wish they had the financial security. The ones who are renting envy the ones who are homeowners, while the home owners are struggling to make ends meet and wish they had the doctors salary……

That’s the thing with feeling left behind. I actually think we all feel it at one stage or another. Regardless of all the things we have, all the things we have achieved and accomplished, there is probably always something we were hoping we would have by now that we haven’t managed. And it is SO easy to forget that the story hasn’t ended yet! Because in the next 10 to 20 years, many will divorce, children grow up, properties get sold or fold, people give up jobs to return to study, while others retire early. A few become young grandparents, hopefully less end up in prison and some are diagnosed with cancers and other diseases, or become disabled.

I don’t say this in order to insinuate we should wish the worst for people or celebrate their misery and misfortune, I say it to remind us that nobody knows the future, and while it might seem like you have it worse, that is not always the case. And who said you need to be a doctor with a white picket fence house on a big block with a swimming pool, 2 kids, pets and tropical vacations to be considered happy and successful anyway? Isn’t it ok if you are happy being single, or don’t want to have children, or prefer to rent a nice place that you could never afford to buy yourself? If you are happy working in an average quiet 9-5 job, or a stay at home parent or living alone with 10 cats, why does that make you feel less than someone who has a different life? Firstly, you don’t know if they are happy with that life, and if they are, and you are, then what is the issue?

These feelings don’t entirely go away either. I remember a friend feeling left behind when I had my firstborn, and then another friend followed suit soon after. This was despite the fact that the friend feeling left behind had no desire to have children and was perfectly happy without them. But, I suppose I now understand, that she knew family life would take us in different directions and she was probably going to lose the close connections there as we had less in common now than before. Similarly, as my children are teenagers, and the mortgage is nearly paid, I look forward to travel and renovations and moving into the next phase of life, however, there is a sense of loss about friends who are still looking to have babies or get married and settle down. Because I know their path will take them away from mine.

Sometimes when we feel left behind by our friends, we fail to realise that we aren’t left behind, as much as we aren’t actually travelling the same road. That happiness looks different to each of us, and the only thing we will all have in common one day, if we are lucky enough to get there, is being old. As the Buzz Luhrmann song “everybody’s free (to wear sunscreen)” points out so eloquently “Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, but in the end, it’s only with yourself.”

If you are happy where you are in life, then embrace that, and if you do feel behind, it might be because you aren’t happy. If there are things you can change or control, then change them. And if there are things you wanted, that you can’t have, and it is out of your control, please find solace in knowing that everybody has things they wanted but didn’t get. Stop telling yourself everyone else has what you want, or that everyone else is happier than you. We all carry something heavy we acquired along the way, which is why we need our friends to help us carry them.

Lastly, if a friend takes a path away from yours, to follow their dreams, find ways to be a part of their happiness, or let them go on ahead with nothing but love and well wishes. They aren’t so much leaving you behind as they are pushing forward towards a separate goal from your own. Maybe it is time for you to do the same towards your own new goal, whatever that may be?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Making Friends With You Inner Selves

Hello loyal readers! Thanks for tuning in for another episode of Friendship Friday! I can’t remember if I mentioned this in a recent post a few weeks back or not, but recently we took the kids to see inside out 2. I loved the first one, so there was no chance I was missing the second one… kids or no kids! Haha If you aren’t familiar with the movie; its an animated kids film with fantastic representation of emotions, and how they influence our actions, portrayed through the life of the main character Riley. The emotions are inside of her, and each one, such as joy, anger, sadness, anxiety and fear (and more) is represented by a character that at times takes the control panel of Riley and controls her actions as a result. Almost as if Riley were a robot with her emotions holding the remote control.

Such a clever concept, and I hope they continue exploring this and release a third movie. However, it also got me thinking about a similar concept for adults, but rather than emotions, we might have several remote controllers; each one being controlled by one of our inner selves. These inner selves influence our thoughts, then emotions, then actions.

Personally, I think I have at least 4 inner selves. The first one is my inner child. She is the one who just wants to have fun. She is the one who has tantrums when things don’t go her way, and the one who makes silly decisions like staying up past midnight when she knows we have to get up at 5am. She is the one who feels jealousy and brings out the inner mean girl. She is the one whining “it’s not fair” and the one who coaxes us to have just “one more” drink! Our inner children probably take the wheel more than we care to admit, and probably the one that causes us the most trouble.

When our inner child gets us into tricky situations, due to irresponsible or careless actions or tantrums, we often have to suffer the consequences. Maybe you had to call in sick to work with a hangover, but you had no sick leave and you know you can’t afford unpaid leave. Your inner child didn’t care about that, leaving you to clean up the mess alone. This is usually when the inner teenager/bully/critic comes in. This is the one who berates you for stupid decisions, the one who tells you that you are useless. And it isn’t always as a result of the messes your inner child creates too.

Your inner bully is there when you are trying to look nice for an event whispering in your ear that you look fat, or your hair is wrong, or that you won’t look as nice as everyone else. If you are going for a promotion or trying something new, this is the inner self that will make you doubt yourself, taunting you with thoughts of failure and humiliation. She is the one who makes you afraid to try, afraid to fail and afraid to succeed.

If you do succeed, your inner people pleaser probably comes into play, telling you that you better be perfect and do everything right or people won’t like you or will discover you are a fraud. She is the one telling you to buy the boss a coffee on the way to work, and the one relentlessly checking the to do list because she is also a perfectionist. She is the one making sure you get up early and arrive early, and the one who tries to make hanging out with her as easy as possible on the other person, by packing the picnic and bringing all the chairs and drinks and glasses too, and picking them up on the way so all they  have to do is literally be there. She is the one who is embarrassed to ask for help or let other people see her cry, because she thinks it makes you look weak. She too, often provokes the aforementioned bully if you do not reach her standards.

Lastly, I have my inner parent. She is the one, who, when it all falls apart, will come into the dark places with me and turn on the lights. She is the one who puts the inner child to bed, sends bully to her room, and makes people please scrub the bathroom while she sits with you on the floor and embraces you. She is the one who tells you everything is going to be ok. That the only way from here is up, and she will help you up. She is firm but kind. She will remind you that nobody is coming to save you, that you have to save yourself. She is the one who reminds you to love yourself as she loves you. She is the one who points out you got yourself into this mess, and now it is time to get yourself out of it. She encourages you to ask for help if you need it, and to be responsible for yourself. She is the one who tells you that you have had enough to drink, that you do not need that cookie or that second helping and that exercise and vegetables are healthy choices. She knows that when you make healthy choices, you start to feel better. She is organized and in control. She’s got you and she believes in you.

None of these inner selves are inherently bad, although some of them do sound bad. We just need to make friends with them. We need to embrace them and understand what they bring to us. When we make friends with them, we can talk to them, we can listen to them and bargain with them, rather than them controlling us.

When they creep up, they are trying to tell us what we need in that moment. Maybe we need a break and a little fun. Maybe we need to face a fear and take a risk. Maybe we need to believe in ourselves and be vulnerable. Maybe we need to be responsible and clean up our act, our health or our homes. It’s all about balance. If you let any one of them take the wheel for too long, you won’t be peaceful and happy. But each of them is trying to help you be your best self and take care of yourself. If you make friends with your inner selves, you make friends with you.

You are the best friend you will ever have…. Or the worst enemy and harshest critic.  You get to choose….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is loyalty elastic? If so, how far does it stretch?

In recent conversations with the women in my world with work wives, the issue of loyalty has come up a lot lately. Work wives make the workplace a better, more enjoyable place, surely nobody is disputing that, not even me. However, as much as you undoubtedly love your work wife (or husband as the case may be) it can be tricky to know where the boundaries lie.

In one case, both parties have been encouraged to apply for a promotion, which would lead to significant amounts of money, not to mention status. While the 2 friends have always shared ideas, collaborated on projects, and boosted each other up to the seniors as often as possible… suddenly they find themselves competing. Does hoping that you get the opportunity over your friend in this situation make you a bad friend? A bad person? If your friend is still giving you ideas, can you trust them? Both of you might have dirt on each other. Will anyone play dirty?

Then there is the situation where one person does get the promotion over the other, and regardless of how they won the competition between you…. Suddenly you find that they are your boss…. And the dynamics between you shift. No longer free for gossip by the water cooler, your work wife suddenly find herself schmoozing with the higher ups and has the unfortunate task of telling you what to do, and perhaps even worse…. Pulling you up on your mistakes or shortcomings. Are you a bad friend if you resent this shift in power? Are you allowed to feel jealous or resentful? If you do feel that way, does that mean you are selfish?

In the same situation, if the new boss is more lenient with you based on a previous connection with their friend, is that fair? If they don’t do it because they are concerned about potential backlash for themselves for favouritism, does that mean they don’t care about their friend’s feelings anymore? And if they do reprimand their friend, will the friendship be over?

In another case, both people work in the same team, doing the same tasks, separately. Despite the close personal friendship between them, person A thinks person B is actually not very good at their job. Should they say so? Is it even their place to say so? Is it a lie to support someone with deliberately vague language so as to be careful not to agree with them when they are pulled up on their mistakes by management? Now consider the situation that you are suddenly put on a project together for the first time. The project is one your friend has worked on and it is a mess. Riddled with mistakes and poor quality notes or research. Some of it cannot be corrected or redone. You have to work with what she has already done, like trying to polish a turd! Is it disloyal of you to take it to the boss and point out that the work quality so far has been poor, because otherwise they will think both of you are bad at your job? You can’t afford to lose your job, and nor do you want to, when you are actually good at it. Should you take the fall for her incompetence?

If your friend gets fired for poor performance, and it was you who drew attention to this, is it disloyal of you not to tell her that you had a hand in her dismissal. Should you keep in touch? Even if  you should, will you? Is it your responsibility to help her find a new job…. Or are you only appeasing your guilt?

In the final situation that has arisen, both women are single, both have developed a crush on the same male co-worker, and both have been flirting with him. The women have gossiped and giggled amongst themselves about how cute he is, and expressed interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with him, despite the fact that this is very much against company policy. They have discussed that they would never fight over a man, and agreed to let him decide if he is interested in either of them. They said they would be happy for each other no matter the outcome.  During an after work drinks event with their colleagues, but not the bosses, one of the women sits staring at her friend and the beau in question flirting away. Despite what they have agreed, she is hurt and upset that her friend is blatantly stealing his affections right in front of her. Her friend notices that she is watching but does not stop monopolizing his affections and does not invite her into the conversation with him. Later in the evening, when she notices him going to the bathroom, she follows. She reasons this is her only chance to speak to him without her friend being present, and see how he feels about her. She kisses him in a dark corner of the bar where nobody can see.

Her friend does not know that they kissed. Should she confess? Both women feel secure in the fact that she is in the lead for his attention. Should she tell her friend that she felt jealous of their flrting? Is it disingenuous to pretend to be happy for her friend that they were flirting all night? Should her friend mention that she saw that sour look on her face while she watched them all night? Did either of them do anything wrong? Were they disloyal to each other?

The truth is, humans are selfish creatures at heart. Perhaps all species are. We are all just trying to survive, and to be happy, healthy and wealthy. We all have different limits, morals, judgements, assumptions, thought processes and feelings about things. In this way, loyalty is subjective. For most people, once you push them past a certain point, self preservation kicks in. It’s never easy to take accountability. Nobody is necessarily wrong or right in these examples. Nobody is breaking the law or committing adultery etc… they’re more grey areas. At the end of the day loyalty is earned, and the minute someone decides the cost of it for themselves is too high, I think you’ll find it will break. It will only stretch as far as they can handle the pressure.

We all want loyal friends and we all strive to be loyal friends, so we need to make sure the loyalty we are asking friends for doesn’t come with a hefty price tag for them, as it’s unlikely they will pay the price for you at their own expense. Be warned that loyalty is elastic, and it will only stretch so far in most cases before it breaks…. And when it does, the friendship is at risk of breaking with it if we had unrealistic expectations.

When a friend is disloyal to you, before you react, ask yourself what you would have done if you were in their position, under their circumstances. You might find you would’ve done exactly the same thing. Keep your expectations in check!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Interloper Incoming.

In the past few posts, I have discussed being the new kid on the block and joining an stablished friend group and falling in love with friends. This post is kind of a combination of both those concepts… When you have to make room for your friend’s friend.

I haven’t been shy about my preference for one on one friendships. I enjoy the intimacy they bring, and the ability to focus with attention to detail on just one person at a time. However, it isn’t fair to say I am not a member of friendship groups entirely either. At times, I am a member of a group – because my friend’s might be more group oriented than me, and therefore consider me a member of their group of friends. Group hangouts still aren’t commonplace, and the other members of the group are people I know, but don’t consider my friends directly. I consider them friends of my friend.

The way many of you may relate to what I am trying to address here, is like when your friend gets into a new romantic relationship, and suddenly you have to make space at the proverbial table for one more plate. Even if you don’t all eat together at the same time, when you are all eating from the same dish, an extra plate naturally means there is a little less for everyone else involved. This can leave the others at the table hungry for more.

In this scenario, rather than a new romantic partner, your friend has made a new friend. The good news is that this seldom results in the all too common ditching of friends that occurs when people find a new partner…. However that does not mean that you don’t have the uncomfortable awkward feelings of jealousy, nor does it mean that you are not watching your friend fall in love with someone new. If you are the type of person who falls in love with your friends, then your friends are probably similarly inclined. Unless your friendship is exclusive and monogamous, which most are not, this leaves both of you vulnerable to the hurt that comes with feeling forgotten, replaced, and sometimes even unloved.

It’s easy to fall into a false sense of security. You might have been friends with a person for over a decade, and become comfortable with all the characters in their world. For the whole time you have known them, they may have showed no interest in making new connections with new people. You may have mistakenly believed that their roster was full, and their needs were all satisfied by yourself and the other players on their team. You have had no reason this far not to feel that way! Which means it hits you from left field when all of a sudden they can’t stop talking about their new work wife.

Initially you mightn’t be too phased about this, as you recognize the importance of the role of friendships at work.  Even if your friend’s feelings seem a little intense, you reason that it is normal to be so excited and that they must’ve felt quite lonely in the office to have such a big reaction to someone new. You probably feel happy for them, even if you do feel slightly annoyed that you don’t think they talk to work wife in the same excited tone as they talk to you about her!

Then suddenly, your friend calls you in a tizzy, asking what to wear to the cool new wine bar in town, as she is meeting wifey for after work drinks. You instantly recognize this as a friend date, and have to fight the urge to give terrible fashion advice in a subtle sabotage attempt. You feel jealous. You and your friend had discussed the wine bar, and although you hadn’t explicitly said so, you thought you were going to check it out together. Not only is she going with someone else, but she didn’t even invite you. It stings as you think of them bonding over glasses and gossip, giggling.

You might try to reason that you shouldn’t be jealous. She is allowed to have other friends and you never felt this jealous of the other people she spent time with. Although you probably start to wonder if this is how they felt when you came along? Probably. You reason that it was a Monday night, and you and her never catch up on a Monday night. So it really doesn’t impact you, does it? You laugh at your childish reaction, and decide you obviously want to spend more quality time with her, that’s all. So you send her a link to a preview of a rom com that is right up your alley with explicit instructions not to see this without you. She hearts it, and you feel relieved that you will be seeing her soon, just the 2 of you. So you’re shocked when she asks if Saturday night is ok, and when you agree, she says she will ask wifey to come along.

You know you can’t say you were hoping it was just going to be the 2 of you, because your friend is already gushing about how much you are going to love wifey. But you already don’t like her, and actually consider telling them you’re sick on the night so you don’t have to feel like a third wheel on your own friend date. Sigh. You know you need to get it over with sooner or later though, so you go along, and it is exactly as you feared. Your friend is in the middle, but she keeps exchanging looks and whispering to wifey. They have all these private jokes about people at work that you don’t know and you wonder why you came at all.

Readers, it is hard watching your friend fall in love with someone new, regardless of the context. However, when it is a friend rather than a lover, sometimes this means the things you and your friend did together as a duo are threatened. You might ask her if she wants to get tickets to the new musical in town, only to find she already has tickets with wifey, or that your twosome is fast becoming a threesome weather you like it or not. The only way it is returning to a duo is if you aren’t there. Wifey seems to be a permanent fixture in the rotation and it is like it or lump it.

So what can you do? I think the only thing you can do here is accept it. If you can’t embrace it and just join in with them until you all have private jokes and you also have a strong connection with wifey…. Then your only other option is to scoot over and make some room for her. Which will mean giving up some of your time and your activities with your friend, so that the new friend can also spend quality time. This is going to leave a bit of a hole in your own life and your own schedule, but the best way around this is new hobbies and new friends for you as well.

Everything changes eventually. Nothing stays the same. Try not to look too hard at what you’re losing and look at the possibilities that lay before you. As a knock on effect, now it is your turn to fall in friendship love all over again. It’s unlikely you’ll regret it in the long run. In theory, either way it goes, you aren’t so much losing a friend as you are gaining a new one.

Everything you feel is normal. It’s ok that you felt jealous. It just means you love your friend. Sharing is hard. But sharing is caring. If you can’t share, you will end up with nobody to play with at all.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Lord of the Favours Friend

Readers, I must admit, although I have written before about favours being a big part of the fabric that holds friendships together…. I am not a big fan of this. I am not an “acts of service” love language person. For me, doing things for others at times leaves me feeling used, when my own love language of “quality time” is not being met in return.

I know some of my friends find my lack of love for favours and acts of service to be disappointing. Sometimes I am deliberately obtuse, whereas at other times offering my services genuinely does not occur to me. Where as some of my friends are quick to try and solve my problems, or show up immediately by saying “what can I do to help,” this is somehow foreign to me. Maybe that is because I don’t really enjoy asking for help myself, and I do find it difficult to receive. So when friends want to show up for me in this way, often times there really isn’t anything they can do anyway, apart from just listen to me express my thoughts and feelings about the situation at hand.

This might explain why, when friends let me in on a situation, I am quick to ask questions about it, and slower to act. It’s not that I will refuse to help if I am asked. Genuinely most of the time if I can help, then I will. That said, some people hate asking as much as I hate asking and so opportunities for connection might be missed when I don’t pick up on hints that they might be prompting me to offer. But I 100% admit that sometimes I know very well what they are hoping for and I don’t want to do whatever it is, so I choose to ignore it.

I do sometimes wonder if this makes me a bad friend, particularly if I know that friend would definitely help me if the situation was reversed. Part of my reasoning is having some degree of burnout from the consistent requests for help from my friends, because I am not working, in the past I have had friends who took that to mean I was willing and able to spend all my time and energy running errands for them or watching their kids. It isn’t fair to paint all friends with the same brush, but it does make me wary, that some people take a mile when given an inch.

I feel even worse when I am asked, and the answer is an outright no. Whether or not I can’t for some reason or another, or I just plain don’t want to. But my no is just as important as my yes, because if I say yes to someone when I mean no, resentment starts to build, which can eat away at the very fabric holding us together. When they upset me, which all friends do from time to time just like any other relationship, if my first thought is “after I did x, y and z for them, this is how they treat me” then that’s a fairly good reflection that I didn’t genuinely want to help and instead I felt it was a contractual obligation.

That’s never a good sign. And maybe that is one of the reasons I don’t like asking for help, aside from the fact that I often don’t need it, because there is nothing worse than the lord of the favours friend. This is the friend who insists on helping you, saving you, whether you asked for it or not, and then lords it over you at every opportunity. Instead of saying they were happy to help, they might say that they were so happy they could help you. They aren’t genuinely helping for the love of you, but for how it makes them feel as a person, not to mention how it makes them look to others.

This friend will be the first to tell everyone how they got out of bed at 2am to pick you up when your car broke down, or about the time they babysat your kids on your anniversary so you could go out for dinner. WITHOUT you asking them. They are also the first to remind you of everything they do for you, be it in jest, such as “you couldn’t function without me, I do so much for you.” Or be it in real terms, for example; “You wouldn’t be in the financial position you’re in if it wasn’t for me helping you pay off that loan ten years ago…” Honestly, there is nothing worse than someone who holds a favour over you like this.

Personally I know I often feel indebted to friends who do help me in big and small ways, without them lording it over me. Interestingly I am maybe less inclined to help someone who I feel doesn’t give generously genuinely but for their own gain. Sometimes I have to catch myself and ask if I am being uncharitable when I don’t want to assist someone, when their own actions float through my mind and the way they were so genuine with their assistance that really was valuable to me. And it is fair to say, at times, yes, I do find that I am being uncharitable and perhaps ungrateful, but this self-check helps me have a better attitude.

This brings me to wonder if the friend who lords favours over people feels unappreciated. As if they wouldn’t have to bring it up so often, if you would bring it up yourself! Obviously it is much nicer to wait for someone else to toot your horn than to toot your own, but if they feel you didn’t toot it loud enough, maybe they felt compelled to do it for you. I do try to be extra appreciative to anyone who does things for me, but I typically do this privately between us, and perhaps use gifts as a token of appreciation more than words of affirmation? Perhaps it is important to consider the love language of the friend doing us any favours and reward them in ways that are most meaningful to them.

Regardless of if you are like me, and struggle with acts of service, or if you are the type who is naturally inclined to be the first to offer your assistance, please remember to give from the goodness of your heart, and be kind and gracious enough to let a quiet thanks be enough, then let it go. The 2 of you know and remember it happened. If you find yourself mentioning the favour more than once or twice, question your motivations for this and be aware that it might push your friend away or stop her depending on your in the future. On the other side of the coin, let us all make more effort to show our appreciation for the friends in our lives regardless of the ways in which they show up for you. Be that in practical or emotional ways.

Friendship should be a 2 way street. It may not always be or even feel equal, but it should typically always come out evenish in the wash over time. It requires give and take. Someone is not better or worse for giving or needing help. Supporting each other is an important aspect of friendship, but handling it appropriately is also important. Each friend has their strengths and weaknesses, which is why we need more than one. Each one is valuable, none is nor should be a lord of anything!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Gifts Given from Ghosts

Well my lovelies, this week, while discussing house renovations and changes with a good friend of mine, we came to discussing a few pieces of artwork that my friend displays, which were actually gifts from ex friends and lovers from her past. Some she was ready to part with, purely on the basis that they came from someone she no longer wishes to remember, and some she wanted to hold on to because she really liked the pieces, but really disliked the reminder of the gifter at the same time.

This was fairly relatable to me, as a few friendship collages sprang to mind, gifted to me by people who have since left my life. Both of which are now packed away neatly in a cupboard. I no longer wished to display them, it would seem strange and inappropriate, however, I also didn’t feel right in discarding them. Actually, I didn’t want to discard them, because all the memories captured with that person were still valuable and happy from that time of my life. Seeing them everyday and knowing things didn’t work out might be painful, but looking at them occasionally as I go rummaging in the cupboard to find something else, gives me pause and makes me smile.

Although these people are no longer in my life, that doesn’t mean I don’t wish them well. But, my friend reasoned, what is the point in keeping artworks you no longer display or really look at. Maybe I am sentimental, or maybe it’s just my hoarding tendencies, so although I see my friend’s point, this approach works for me. The thing I have more trouble with personally, is what to do with gifts I purchased for a specific friend before they left my life, that I never had a chance to actually gift them?

I am a pretty organized person when it comes to gifts, and I like to be prepared. So I might buy your birthday and Christmas gifts at the same time, even if there is months between the occasions. I like to make lists and have ideas ready to go. I like to have time to order things online so they arrive in plenty of time. I like to have budgets for how much I expect things to cost. Usually things run smoothly and I appreciate the ability to just pull out a gift “I prepared earlier” on the day at short notice without much stress. I often write the cards in advance too. Reading these back does sting.

When the system works, it is a beautiful system. But just like any system, there are sometimes unforeseen glitches. Which has at times left me with very specific gifts, and nobody specific to gift them to. And when I see them laying around, it is a painful reminder that I lost the opportunity to show someone I cared for a token of my friendship. It hurts to know that they left my life, and how I hadn’t seen it coming. It also hurts if I cannot return the items, which is sometimes the case, depending on the retailer and the amount of months that have passed since the purchase.

I wont lie, sometimes it’s satisfying to return the gift if I am able, and receive a little financial bonus boost of unexpected gains. But sometimes I am left with obscure items that this person would have loved, but that aren’t necessarily suited to the tastes of most. I hate seeing them there, but I also hate waste too, so it is a real conundrum.

The friend I was speaking to about this issue, decided she was going to sell the item she was looking to discard online. While I have time and ability to do this, it is such a hassle that I have never really bothered. If I can think of someone to regift said item to, that is my first point of action. Saves me getting them something else, saves money and they are none the wiser that they were not originally the intended recipient. However, there isn’t always 2 people in your life with a specific love of teapots or a collector of old records for example. Sometimes I have to get crafty and gift the teapot to a child for a tea party, or repurpose the record into wall art.

If I can’t come up with a more creative solution, then I will ask my existing friends if they know of anyone who might be interested in said item, and happily gift it to them to pass on as a gift from themselves if the shoe fits. I might pass it on to someone who is selling things to raise money for something, or donate it as a prize for the school raffle. Failing all else, I will usually get around to making that trip to the charity shop eventually. It does serve as a good reason to go through things and clear out items that are now just gathering dust.

Whether the gift was given to you, or you bought it for someone, it is really up to you what you choose to do with it. You are certainly under no real obligation to return it – and when someone did this to me it just added salt to the wound honestly. I’m guessing that was the intended result! It worked. You are perfectly within your rights to keep it, and either stop associating it with the gifter, or use it to serve as a reminder of the happier times between you. That said, you are also under no obligation to keep it. All my suggestions so far have been recycling or regifting or repurposing…. But if it feels satisfying for you to bin it, then do it and don’t look back.

There is no right or wrong here, the person has left your life, so they probably give no thought as to what you will do with items they gifted you, and if it was items you bought for them, that’s even better because they don’t even know about it! Your life is in the today and in the future, so if something you received no longer fits with the person you’ve grown into, don’t keep it. What is it Marie Kondo says… if it doesn’t bring you joy… (and especially if it brings you pain…. ) get rid of it in one way or another and make space for more positive energy from things that do bring you joy!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Romantic Friendships; Falling in Love with Friends.

I have always written here about the similarities between romantic relationships and friendships. The parallels between the 2 types of relationships and that each of them requires time and effort and communication to make them work. I have written about queer platonic relationships, in which the 2 people typically pair up and live life as a team, rather than a couple, but are not physically or romantically involved, although there is much love between them. I have written about platonic soulmates and how I believe some of my friends are indeed soulmates.

I’ve even written about unrequited love in friendships, or requited love whereby the 2 friends take their friendship knowingly to a sexual level. Which reminds me of writing about friends with benefits. There are so many ways in which friendships can kind of combine with sexual and romantic relationships and I thought I had written about them all. But, dear readers, it turns out, maybe I have not! Coming across this article in mamamia.com.au about romantic friendships was like balm to my soul. It felt like home. A name for something I have been engaging in all my life…. And a thing that other people are also familiar with?! I encourage you to step away from my article for a moment to read this one. I hope you come back, but if you don’t, you get the gist of what I am talking about.

Romantic friendships are like falling in love. You get the same rush when their name pops up on your screen, and you are excited to see them. You communicate consistently and if you live close enough, which does tend to be a key factor in these friendships, you probably spend heaps of time together too. They are like a best friend…. But also, somehow more.

You might think these are the sorts of relationships single people engage in, to meet their needs until such times as a more intimate type of relationship comes along, but the surprising thing is, that many of the people in these relationships are actually already partnered or even married. And, I would expect, a fair few of those partners may even feel a little bit threatened by the close, intimate nature of the friendships. Not to mention other friends and family. I certainly have had people ask or assume that some of my friendships were more than I was letting on. Thankfully, my husband loves and accepts me as I am, and he doesn’t bat an eyelid at these connections I form. He’s well aware that this is something I seem to need on some level, and he isn’t worried about it. He knows and trusts that I am not unfaithful, even if I do very much love the women involved.

The thing is, with these connections, they are deep and beautiful and pure. They aren’t based on physicality or sexual attraction – they are based on who your soul is drawn to. I have never subscribed to the idea that we can only love one person at a time in any context. I’ve just never really had the language to describe the friends with whom I have definitely fallen into some sort of love.

These friends and I go on date nights, and yes, we call them date nights. We are more than comfortable sharing a room or even a bed. We happily strip down in front of one another. We talk openly about life, love, sex, problems, weird body issues, childhoods and trauma’s. Nothing is off limits. We openly communicate about how to maintain our connection and what each of us needs from the other to sustain it. We exchange I love you’s. We exchange love letters of sorts, in birthday and Christmas cards. We plan extravagant birthday celebrations for each other and go on girls nights away. We’ve met each other’s extended families. We call each other wife. We celebrate friendship anniversaries. We celebrate valentines or GALentines. These romantic friendships run similarly and simultaneously to the other relationships in our lives. Platonic or otherwise.

While these relationships are not, for me at least, physically intimate or affectionate, for many people, it wouldn’t be uncommon or uncomfortable to spoon or lay your head on the other’s lap on the couch. For me personally, it also isn’t uncommon for them to hang out with hubby and I. At home, on date nights, on anniversaries. At times most of them have even gone out with hubby alone. Or going out as a foursome, even if the partners have little in common.

One of the best things about these relationships is that they are not exclusive. So that means there is less jealousy involved. If I have more than one romantic friendship, I have to expect and accept that my platonic partners do as well. Notice, I said less jealousy. Not none. Because there is a certain level of feeling occasionally entitled to their time, attention and love, based on the history. So when you watch them fall in platonic love with another person, or when they watch you do it, feelings can and do get hurt. To be honest, as these friendships run so similarly to that between lovers, it is fair to say that sometimes we fight like lovers too.

We know exactly where all the sore points are, and exactly how far we can push each other, without going quite so far as to irrevocably damage the bond. That’s not to say, however, that sometimes we don’t break up. It does happen, and when it does, it is absolutely heartbreaking. I often think it is actually more heartbreaking than losing a lover – because your friends are the ones you turn to when that happens, so when they are the people who broke your heart and have vanished from your life, it is actually very difficult to recover from.

There is so much vulnerability and trust in romantic friendships, that violations of that trust feel like deliberate targeted attacks. They know exactly where your weak spots were, and that’s exactly where they aimed their blows. Forgiveness is not always possible. But where it is possible, it is also powerful and serves to reinforce the bond between you.

I have had friends, over the years, who have accused me of being in love with them. This always felt like an attack, someone using my sexuality against me as a weapon. But maybe they were right. Maybe I had fallen in love with them to a degree. Maybe what really bothered them was that they had fallen in love with me too. A woman. And perhaps that challenged their sexuality more than they were comfortable with. That when their other people questioned their relationship status with me, they felt awkward or embarrassed about it.

Why? There is nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s ok to fall in love with your friends. It is normal to love them. It’s not necessarily that we stay in love with one another, just that there was an intense bonding period at the start where we did indeed fall in love. In many cases, that progresses, similar to marriage, to a deeper level of love and caring. Less exciting but stronger and more durable. Still in need of date nights and romance and communication. Still deserving of time and attention and support.

At least now I know why some people don’t understand it. They do friendships from more of a detached distance, more how I would describe a casual friend. If that works better for them, so be it. They don’t know what they’re missing and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The lady who featured in the Mamamia.com.au article; Rhaina Cohen, has written a book about this concept, and presumably her experiences with it, called “The other significant others – Reimagining life with friendships at the center.” I am off to read it. I can’t wait. This is not an affiliated marketing post. I do not receive commissions or payments for articles, books or products I recommend. I only recommend the ones that speak to me, and I share them with you, because if you read my blog, you are probably just as passionate about friendships as I am. So if you want to buy her book, here’s the link.  https://www.amazon.com.au/Other-Significant-Others-Reimagining-Friendship-ebook/dp/B0C1X7HNWP

I hope you enjoy it. Head over to my Facebook and let me know what you thought. Have you ever fallen in love with your friend in a strictly platonic sense? Tell me your thoughts and experiences? I’d love to hear them?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

https://cupofjo.com/2021/09/21/do-you-tell-friends-i-love-you/

The new kid on the block.

I was listening to some of my old music in the car the other day, and “Step by Step” came on. Happily singing away, I was interrupted by a phone call from a dear friend. Answering the call on speaker, I said hello before muting the music. “What on earth are listening to?” My friend demanded. I told her the song. She hadn’t heard of it. She asked who sang it, and I could not for the life of me remember. Singing the lyrics to her wasn’t helpful and we laughed that I was showing my age, being a whole 19 months her senior.

It was bugging me that I couldn’t remember the artist! Maybe I really was showing my age! Haha When I got home I did what we all do, and I googled it. New Kids On The Block of course?! How could I forget? And how could my friend not know this song? I digress. The band name got me thinking about a friend of mine who has recently started a new hobby, and the unwritten rules that exist around joining an already established group of friends as the newbie.

Personally, I am not a fan of group friendships, but at times they really can’t be avoided, like in this situation when someone joins a project that was already underway, and a solid group had already formed well before your arrival. In this instance, it just so happens that my friend, who is female, was joining a group of male friends. I don’t know how relevant that is to the dynamic, as I suppose it is fair to say that most groups have some sort of initiation period whereby the newcomer is assessed for their worthiness and may be considered a threat initially.

This was certainly the case with my friend, who noticed in the beginning she was playfully ridiculed, and her input was not really taken seriously. Her suggestions were not considered – rather laughed off or completely ignored, and she knew she had to keep showing up in order to earn their trust and respect. There was the idea, like within many circles, that women were not as competent as men in the field and only there for equality instead of quality.

My friend had to observe the dynamics of the group carefully. She assessed who seemed to be the leaders of the pack, and who seemed to be the followers. Once she identified the weakest link, she started making more effort to talk to him, build up his work, not to mention his ego, and at all times make sure she was friendly, not overly sensitive and in no way a threat. Rather, she wanted to join the group and add to it’s already strong content. With some time, and persistence, my friend and the weakest link, began co-collaborating on a side project together.

The others noticed, and started paying attention. Suddenly some of the others were inviting her to collaborate with them too. This seemed like a positive sign, however it was not lost on her that there were still jabs and mild attempts at under the radar sabotage. Attempts to deliberately provoke her into becoming upset so as they could label her the “typical woman” and downcast her accordingly. But my friend was smarter than that. She wasn’t taking any bait. She rolled with the punches and she started giving back just as much strong banter as they were throwing her way. Slowly, she started noticing a change in their respect levels.

While initially her input was ignored, now there were several occasions when the group sought her opinion. She was invited to the group chat. She was included in personal conversations about their private lives and the gossip about the behind the scenes and the higher up’s. They were now asking her to be included in her own projects. She finally started to feel like one of the gang instead of the newbie. One of the boys rather than the woman who doesn’t belong. They were recommending her work with pride, rather than jest, and even asking her for tips and feedback on their own contributions. When one of the strongest members of the pack moved on, she was invited to take his place.

It is never easy being the new kid on the block. Many people who are trying to initiate themselves into a clique or an established group make the mistake of trying too hard to impress the alpha of the group. This only serves to put the others against you and confirms suspicions that you are a threat. It is important to be confident, but to also demonstrate that you wish to join and add to the dynamics, not rearrange the structure or divide and conquer. The hardest part about this is showing up consistently to a group of people who make you feel unwelcome and maybe even disliked.

You need to remember to hold your own, step into your power and never hesitate in your belief that you have something of quality to offer. By being your authentic self, rather than working to impress, you will gain their attention and respect. By not rushing or acting over familiar too quickly. By waiting for invitation rather than interjecting yourself too forcefully. Calm confidence is attractive. An ability to take the heat and give it back playfully whilst not letting it get to you demands a certain amount of respect. Not caring too much what they think of you is powerful.

If you are the new kid on the block, be unapologetically you! Even if that means owning that you regularly listen to the likes of Jason Donovan, Tiffany and New Kids On The Block in your car at full volume unashamedly. Know your worth and let them get to know it in their own time. And remember, it won’t be too long before someone else is the new “kid on a corner!” (Click the link and you will see what I did there with that sneaky Tiffany reference!)

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx