I am in my late 30’s. Most of my friends are a collection of people I have picked up along the way, and as is evident by the nature and title of the blog and website most have not lasted particularly long in the scheme of things. However I am lucky to still have at least 2 friends I met in school. I consider these both to be lifelong friendships, although one friend I made in early high school around age 13 or 14 and the other I made at the start of primary school around the age of 6 or 7! That makes our friendship over 30 years old. Not to brag, but I do kinda think that is impressive, when we are not even 40 yet!
So I thought I would write a piece reflecting on what it has taken to stay close all these years and maintain a friendship through it all. There are 5 main things that stand out to me. Let’s discuss those.
1. Growing WITH your friend.
My earliest friend and I have quite literally grown up together. We met before common values were important or before we had any idea who we really were or who we would become. All we needed to know as little girls was that we liked each other and enjoyed spending time together. It is important to note that there were periods over the years where this friend and I were not close. Times when we explored other people and grew in different directions. However the one thing that never changed was that we still grew our own friendship. We always still considered each other friends, no matter how much difference grew between us, and we always welcomed time together regardless of circumstances. One thing never changed…. We still enjoyed spending time together even when it became less frequent.
2. Flexibility
This brings me to my next point, that our expectations of one another were flexible. Although we were best friends as little girls, we were no longer best friends by the end of primary school. We both had to adjust to the individual identities we were exploring and accept that with that came exploring new friendships – ALONE. When we were younger, we were joined at the hip, if one of us had a new friend, that was a group friend. However, slowly we learned to allow each other the space and freedom to enjoy other friendships and accept that these other friendships didn’t threaten our own, or take anything away from it. This stayed true even when we started prioritising other friends over each other.
3. Forgiveness.
Although this parting was mutual and a normal part of growing up, that doesn’t mean it was always easy and pain free. It wasn’t. I really hurt my friend early on when I excluded her from a friendship with my neighbour. Looking back I can see I had a crush on this particular girl, which is probably why I valued her exclusive attention. But I didn’t have the language or the knowledge to articulate that then and my friend was hurt by my deliberate exclusion of her. Similarly when my friend went through her own “bad girl” stage, I felt hurt by the insinuation that I was somehow not “cool” enough to spend time with. But instead of being bitter, my friend helped me make valentines day cards for my crush, even if she was confused by it, and I helped my friend get out of trouble later when she needed it. We didn’t hold each other accountable for our own feelings, we dealt with them, privately. Sometimes saying nothing really is the best course of action. We have talked about it now though, obviously!
4. Acceptance.
When I met both of these lifelong friends, we accepted each other exactly as we were, warts and all. When I met the first one, that is what you did, but by the time I met the second one, this was a rare quality. Teenagers are much more choosy about friendships, not to mention critical, angsty and judgmental. With so much peer pressure, it was so nice to meet someone with whom I could be completely unfiltered and feel loved, valued and accepted. My friends and I now, as adults, couldn’t be more different. One is loud and assertive, while I am quiet and hate confrontation, and she has opposing values and political beliefs. I know because we can discuss things openly without it becoming a debate. She is a career oriented, independent woman while I am a stay at home mum, otherwise known as a kept woman. The other is a particular, neat, perfectionist, but despite that is very carefree and disorganised to a degree. While I am messy, yet uptight and organised and scheduled. Somehow acceptance just as we are makes us the perfect opposites for each other.
5. Time.
Perhaps the most important secret to these friendships is the time we spend together. The conscious effort we make to show up and put in the time face to face. I know there were times when I couldn’t really be bothered. Times I was too self centred and may have let the friendships fade or fizzle, but showed up anyway, because it was important to my friend. Other times they had too much going on for themselves, were too tired or lack lustre, but they showed up for me anyway. Not out of obligation, but out of care and commitment and kindness. Because we all knew it was too important to let go of. Sure, things have been cancelled, there have been months in between catch up’s at times, but we always reschedule and eventually show up.
Maybe the biggest secret is this. Think of them as a friend regardless of anything and treat them as a friend, with kindness and respect and forgiveness and understanding. Keep communicating, even when you can’t spend time, keep in touch and show interest in each other. When things get tricky, allow some space, but always do so in such a way that tells them “I will miss you and welcome you back anytime, because I love you.” That’s really all you can do. If someone wants to stay in your life, they will, if they feel welcome to do so. And if they don’t? That’s ok. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. But treasure the ones that are, whatever age you meet them!!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
