In the past few weeks, I have reflected here on a friendship which had become very close over the past few years, and then abruptly changed last year because circumstances for both of us also changed. While I have written about this situation before, when speaking with a friend about a similar situation between her and one of her friends more recently, I had a little epiphany about it I thought I should share.
Previously my friend’s friend lived close by the dog park where my friend takes her dogs walking most days. As a consequence of that, my friend often stopped by on the way to or from the dog park. It may have been for 10 minutes or an hour. Sometimes it was a social visit, or to deliver or even borrow something. Whatever the reason, those small increments of time added up. These small interactions meant they knew the little details of each other’s lives.
They knew if one of them had a bad day, they knew if something funny happened, and they knew the general schedule and ins and outs of daily life. They felt connected. My friend felt like a part of the family, she even had a key for their house. Not that she needed it because she would just let herself in through the open door. They left it unlocked for her.
It felt warm and safe and very secure. It felt forever, as family does. However, things changed. Distance started creeping in first when my friend became more involved with her own family when another new member arrived. Then a group friendship issue seemed to spill over a little into the bond and widened the cracks, although it wasn’t spoken about. Then my friend’s friend moved around half an hour away.
All of a sudden, in a short space of time, daily drop in’s had become every few days, then weekly, then monthly, and wittered down to birthdays and Christmas within a year. My friend felt very low about this as she expressed to me that it felt she was still making the effort but they were not. She said the friendship felt distant, strained, and unimportant and essentially she felt pushed out. She no longer had a key to their lives or their hearts, and she missed them.
But during this discussion we landed on the fact that her friend had never really made any effort in this friendship. My friend came and went from their house while they got on with their daily lives. It wasn’t her fault, this was just convenient for them both. It could also be said while my friend was the one making all the effort, it wasn’t actually an effort, as she was passing anyway. Like, she wasn’t specifically going to visit them, but happened to stop by before or after the activity which she was doing anyway.
Now, all of a sudden this friendship was heavy because it required planning and effort to go and see them. Foresight to make invitations and suggestions. Thought about one another. They hadn’t been weighed down by this before. Of course we think about loved ones on birthdays or Christmas or other special occasions, but day to day? Probably not really.
So my friend was only partially right when she said her friend couldn’t accuse her of not making an effort. Before she was making much more effort to keep in touch with them daily, however now she was only making minimal effort. Her friend has continued to make the same minimal to no effort that she always made. The difference is that where it was convenient to make the effort before it no longer is.
So the moral of the story, boys and girls, has to be that if you want the friendship to be as rewarding as it always was, you must maintain the same amount of effort you always did.
I am not suggesting it should all be my friend’s responsibility just because it always has been. It would be fantastic if she could speak with her friend and ask with some help carrying the load. I have recommended it. However my friend is likely insecure she won’t be worth the effort because she never asked for that before.
What I am suggesting is that my friend made more effort before because it was convenient. Now it is not convenient she IS making less effort and that IS why the bond isn’t the same. She could still make time to do a quick video chat, send memes or messages to keep the connection alive, but because it isn’t in her face, like driving past their house, she doesn’t remember.
You have to make conscious effort, you have to be mindful of your connections. My friend could put a weekly reminder in to call them. She could invite them to her house if she doesn’t feel like driving there. She could make plans to meet someplace half way for a meal. She could send notes in the mail or send memes or messages. Gifts or articles that say “I saw this and thought of you.” Things that keep them connected.
At the end of the day, if you change the amount of effort, the amount of friendship changes too. It is not always convenient! It is not always easy. But it is always worth it.
My friend eventually took my advice and talked to her friend. Invited her, and the group as an olive branch to a brunch at her house. Her friend, and the group accepted this invitation gracefully, and my friend is already feeling happier.
Just like anything in life, effort is everything. Rewards don’t come for free. Resilience is key. Keep trying. The friendship probably won’t be the same, but that doesn’t mean it won’t still be meaningful because they made the choice to stay connected!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
