So you used to be a group of 3 or more, and 2 of the people have parted ways. What does that mean for you? Or the new friend you just made turns out to be the enemy of your best friend’s sister? What then? How about if you happen to run into your ex friends other ex-friend? In complicated circumstances, should those circumstances dictate the terms of your friendship? Are there certain circumstances where you shouldn’t be friends with someone or whereby you should even?
Friendships are meant to be the simpler relationship on the menu of life, however, in my experience that actually isn’t true at all. They themselves can be complicated within the dynamic between 2 people, and just like romantic bonds, third parties can indeed get involved and complicate matters, as in the examples above.
Let’s start with the latter example. You have a falling out with a close friend. Over the course of your friendship, they had a falling out with another friend, and no longer speak. You were not friends with that other person, even if you were familiar with them travelling in similar circles, or just knew of them through your once mutual friend. Then life happens, and circumstances bring you and this person together…. Can you be friends? Should you be? Would that seem like a weird alliance or alternatively do you owe your ex friend some loyalty even though you are no longer on good terms?
Honestly, there is no right or wrong answers to this. If you sought this person out on the sole basis that perhaps your issue with the middle person was similar, and you wanted to fact check and vent, I’d probably advise against it. Therapy or time to resolve your feelings about the middle person might be a healthier step than seeking out someone to discuss them with. On the other hand, it is possible that perhaps verifying certain things will give you closure and help you move on. Whichever way it happened, make sure you have more in common with this person than the middle man, so to speak and grow your connection away from that source?
If however, circumstance brought you together after a long while apart from the middle man, I see no reason why you shouldn’t befriend this person, nor why you should. If you like them, proceed, and try and forget anything the ex-friend said about them. It is always important to use your own judgement to make up your own mind about a person based on your own experiences of them. Within reason, that is. What your ex friend thinks shouldn’t play into it. And, for that matter it still shouldn’t even if you are still friends with that person. They don’t own you or control you or have any say in who you can be friends with. If someone tries to dictate who you can be friends with or can’t be that is a red flag about them!
Ok, so what about the first scenario, where you end up playing piggy in the middle between 2 squabbling friends? Don’t play. It really is that simple. If you like them both, you are perfectly capable of maintaining clear friendship boundaries. Don’t encourage them to talk about one another, and do not break confidences if you do end up catching things in the middle. Simply maintain that you hope they can figure out their differences but that you won’t be getting involved. It is pretty important you are clear with both parties that you like the other person and consider them a friend. Otherwise you will drown in the secrets and lies of trying to keep your friendship with each of them quiet from the other and open yourself up to unfavourable gossip that may later come back to bite you.
In the middle scenario, you are one step removed. The person you have met is the enemy of your friend by proxy. This person had a falling out with someone your friend is close to. You really like them, but then when you are excited and talking about them with your friend, they figure out the connection and warn you not to proceed. They share a pretty nasty story about this new person and you feel conflicted about it. The information they shared seems to conflict what you know about them, but, you have to admit that you don’t know them that well yet.
My advice here is proceed, but proceed with caution. There is 2 sides to every story, but actually the story didn’t concern you and it isn’t your business. There may be things that you don’t know that would explain this further, and as it wasn’t your friend who was involved, but someone else, you can bet it was a game of Chinese whispers. The information you are receiving is tainted. Do not believe everything you hear. At the same time, be aware of red flags that validate any concerns you may have.
At the end of the day, friendship is an optional relationship. You are not obligated to become friends, or stay friends, with anyone, ever. Every friendship has its own risks and rewards, and it is up to you and only you who you proceed with. But I advise you to make those decisions for yourself and avoid temptation to give in to gossip. Worst case you learn a lesson and best case you make a wonderful friend.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
