Last week we touched on the benefits of the male female friendship, drawing on the experience of my close, (straight,) female friend who has an equal number of close male and female friends. (She is certainly the closest I am likely to get to a male friend! Haha)
To read part one, click here, or scroll up one article. At the end of that piece, we left it when we reached affection…… which brings us to the juicy part this week! To quote ‘Salt N Peppa’ “Let’s talk about sex!” This tends to be the main factor getting in the way of the original question; can women and men really be platonic friends. It is all well and good to say that they can be, as long as no sexual attraction exists for whatever reason. Maybe one or the other is not hetero, one or the other is partnered and faithful, or one or the other is just outside the realms of “type” to ever be viable. But what about when those perimeters are removed?
Of course, my friend has had sexual encounters with some of her male friends, which, by her accounts, appeared to be welcome, and not pressured from either side. Because it is easier to cross boundaries when those perimeters are removed, and men do tend to be more casual about sexual exploration. I don’t know if perhaps men are more demisexual than we give them credit for, forming attractions to persons after an emotional connection has blossomed, or if it is easier for them to separate sexual activity with romance…. but my friend did admit that not being sexual with male friends tended to make the friendship closer longer term than the alternative.
We couldn’t explore that without noting that there is a huge vulnerability that develops between a woman and any man she allows to see her naked. Vulnerability is a key ingredient to closeness for women. Therefore, it could be argued that any man a woman is sexual with is automatically closer than any person with whom she is not sexual…. however, unless she goes on to marry that man, there is also a sense of rejection or betrayal when the friendship does not progress to something more romantically formal after such an event…. particularly if one party (usually her) had hoped that it might. Which makes behaving as a platonic friend again much harder when he takes on a wife, for example.
Which brings us nicely to our next point of discussion. If my friend has fallen in love with a few men over the course of her life, (as most of us have) then it stands to reason that clinging to the next best thing might play a role here. If her close male friends have some nature of resemblance to her first love, or the one that got away, she may be drawn to him and reluctant to let him get away a second time no matter what it means sacrificing for herself.
She said men were less dramatic. It wasn’t that men couldn’t be upset, but it was harder to upset them and easier to read and resolve when conflict arose. They were lower maintenance. They would not become angered at a lack of time or effort, because they also made minimal effort. She quipped that they were more available; they were not likely to be angered by a last-minute invitation because other plans fell through, whereas a friend like myself, would be; seeing it as being treated like a back up plan. Not to mention that a male friend is less picky. He won’t be upset if you spend the whole time in his company playing games on your phone, whereas a female counterpart is more likely to be offended by this and take it as a sign of disinterest. (All this does make me question if my friend is “that girl” who values men friends because they won’t be upset when she ditches them for a partner only re-emerging when the relationship is through….)
Naturally there were more personal factors to consider too. My friend’s closest male friend is also a long-term single person, meaning they share the benefits of the affection and emotional reassurance of an almost partner without any of the pesky commitments. A socially acceptable plus one to events is a bonus for them both. Not to mention that my friend happened to be raised as the only girl with 3 brothers, so tends to have more masculine interests as a result of early conditioning. As it so happens both herself and her closest male friend have large families who take up much of their social time too, leaving little space for needier friends like myself for example! Lol Although it didn’t come up in conversation I personally have to wonder if her difficult relationship with her father plays any role. And, if it is relevant, my friends best male friend is gay. More on that dynamic next week!
What I took from the conversation, is that men tend to, in her experience, and my own, prioritise friendships less than women, preferring to focus on career. Ruminations are more logical, or pride/ ego based than focussed on heavy relational issues. They enjoy keeping busy to avoid much emotion, and prefer to engage in side-by-side mentally engaging activities rather than face to face. It is less about being emotionally alone and more about not being physically alone.
I do not dispute that women and men are very different; both in our perspectives, expectations and experiences in the world. These differences at times repel us from one another and at other times draw us closer. However, we should not forget what we do share in common, and that is our humanity. I struggle to understand men, but that in part is the problem. My friend does not try to understand them, she just enjoys them as they are and expects very little. Perhaps that is the key to friendships regardless of anything else.
Can 2 people be friends? Well, yes, of course they can…..but will they be? That depends on the individuals in question, and all sorts of factors that are so unique to each of us.
Personally, I remain unconvinced, I think she would be lonely if she only had these male friends with their limited effort…but maybe balance is key, she has an even spread of both, filling all her relationship needs and maybe that is the real secret. If you know yourself well and all needs and how they can be addressed, you get to decide which people you choose to fill them. And as long as they’re met, you’re probably relatively happy and fulfilled.
I don’t know the question specifically, but the answer isn’t a definitive number or gender or set of rules. But I do know this much. Friendship is the answer, regardless. Friendship might not be a love story but it is definitely a story of love.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
