There are people I can be comfortably silent with, but honestly I dread uncomfortable silence. The lack of anything to say to each other feels as if it is echoing loudly around the room and making me question if our friendship is finishing. I mean, it can depend on the context, for example if you are staying overnight with someone at a hotel for example, you are going to expect moments where each of you quietly looks at their phone, but if you are having a 2 hour coffee with an old friend you haven’t seen in ages and the conversation stalls, the mind does jump to conclusions about why you have nothing to say, instead of more helpful things like conversation topics!
And of course there are moments when conversation stalls, usually because you were interrupted by something and each lost your place in the conversation, but if the communication is sound, it is usually fairly quickly remembered and circled back to. Although I hate it when a friend loses their place in conversation and asks “what was I saying?” Because if I don’t know, it implies I wasn’t interested or engaged in what they were saying, when the truth is I am just as easily distracted as them. Half the time I don’t remember what I was just saying let alone what they were!
I know for me personally, one of the most common reasons this happens is because the friend in question isn’t someone I talk to about “everything.” If I am filtering myself, then there will be a certain mental list of safe topics to talk about with that person, but once that list is exhausted my improvisation skills to introduce new safe topics stalls! Thankfully someone will usually rescue the conversation with a comment about the weather, even if the weather really has been unremarkable.
But for this reason, I have come up with a generally safe list of questions to ask your friend to spark more conversation after you have covered the general basis of work and kids. A good place to start is travel. If you have something booked, or are considering booking something, go ahead and raise this a s a conversational topic. If you don’t you could ask them if they have any travel plans, and if they say they don’t you could still ask where they have been in the past, a favourite trip or recommendation, or where they aspire to go in the future.
If the travel topic falls flat or fizzles fast, another go to topic is any bands, shows or movies they have been to recently or have tickets to in the future. This is usually also a safe topic for you to share. Maybe you read a good book or watched a must see movie you could talk about or maybe they could make a recommendation of their own. If they are going to a musical, which theatre is it at? What is it about? Who are they going with, you get the gist.
Alas, sometimes life just isn’t all that interesting and they aren’t going anywhere or doing much that provokes conversation. But typically this means they probably watch Netflix and can recommend a good series, and if not, you can ask them how they spend their free time, and try to make conversation out of that.
Cooking is another good one to try. Have you tried any new recipes lately or seen any new diet plans you wanted to follow? Have they tried any that worked or didn’t work? Are there new restaurants in town you wanted to try or have tried. Have they?
Birthdays are another safe topic to discuss. Do they have any plans for an upcoming birthday, or a birthday of someone in their circle? If you happen to remember it is their brother’s 40th coming up, can you ask about that, if there are big plans in the making and what your friend is going to gift? If not, you must have a birthday or 2 you can pull out the hat to talk about?
I am sure there are many more safe topics of conversation that could be improvised, anything from memes you saw on social media, to sharing photos of your family. But the question is still valid…, If it is this hard to come up with conversation, if it is this awkward, why are you still friends and is it worth the effort to continue to talk when you clearly don’t really have anything to say to each other?
Sometimes the answer is yes because of a long history together, and sometimes the answer is yes just because it is easier than not being friends anymore… (or is it?) Sometimes the answer is no. Which does not make you the worst person in the world by the way, if a friendship is ending and it appears to be mutual, let it fizzle. It may spark again in the future!
But if the answer is yes, the friendship is important enough to preserve, I suggest you change your catch ups from coffee to comedy clubs. From meals out to movies with dinner included. From dinner parties to bowling. Move away from things where there is too much emphasis on chatting and more emphasis on sharing something enjoyable. This way you still get to enjoy their company, make memories and preserve the connection, all the while not having a whole heap to say.
That suggestion only works if you can afford it though, doesn’t it? But all is not lost, because you can play board games or computer games at home for free, watch movies or series together or practice a new dance routine. Whatever fits you and your friend, the key is to keep busy and keep the focus on an activity rather than staring at each other in silence.
And rest assured sometimes this just happens when you have known someone a while and get comfortable with them. Like a spouse there is less to learn, less to share and the silences do get comfortable and it doesn’t have to mean the end. It can just mean a new beginning. Failing all else, just catch up less often so there is more time in between for things to happen that you can talk about!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
