We are all, always, in a state of flux. Our lives, however incrementally, are always changing and evolving through different stages and phases. Things that seem like unchangeable facts are less solid than we think, as life continues to take us where it will. In many ways we know this, right? Especially in reference to ourselves.
I don’t mean phases as in the rapper phase I went through as a teenager either, I just mean periods of time where things in life define us, until they change. Like, 10 years ago, I was the mother of young children, whereas now I am the mother of teenagers. For a long while I was a student, then I worked full time, currently I am a stay at home parent. I say currently not because I have any plans to return to work, or study, nor because I am under any delusions that my blog is going to one day throw me into the limelight of fame. I simply say currently, because I have no idea what the future holds, and none of us really do.
The thing I have been less aware of, is that my friends are also in their own phases and stages, and this is particularly true when I meet them and bond and get to know them. One friend I met freshly divorced, and I got to know the single version of her who valued friendships much more than the coupled version of her did. So I felt slighted when she fell back in love, remarried and didn’t have as much time or space for me as a friend in her life. It felt like she had changed; but the truth was that I hadn’t known her in a relationship phase, nor acknowledged that this was a phase and likely to change!
Another friend I met and got close to in a period of her life when there was somewhat of a rift in her family, and I didn’t know she was clinging to me for the safety and security of belonging. I welcomed her into our family with open arms, unconcerned at the oddness of the situation to others. Then, as the years passed, her family grew, and as it grew, it healed slowly. They became closer again and I watched my friend slowly forget us as her surrogate family as she was once again a part of her own. I don’t begrudge her this, I am happy for her as I see how happy family makes her. But I wont say it didn’t hurt to feel forgotten and cast aside as the now useless placeholders. I wouldn’t change it, but I still didn’t know, when I met her.
Other friends I met when they were married, and sadly, some of those marriages failed. Some friendships grew stronger and some grew apart as a result. Nobody knew they were going to get divorced; it didn’t seem or feel like a phase….. but when their lives changed, our friendships changed. Which also happened with some friends I picked up along the way because they were the parents of my friends kids…. But when the kids grew apart, or fell out, the friendships with the parents naturally faded too.
So sometimes what feels like a sudden change in a friend, really is just a new chapter of their lives starting. We forget that the stories didn’t begin when we met, although our chapters in each others lives did. But the story is bigger than us, we are merely characters in a much bigger storyline. We think we know someone, and then we think that they have changed into someone we don’t know, or in some cases, don’t like. But the truth is, we are all constantly in a state of flux. People marry, divorce, move, retire, start new jobs, die, get sick, have babies and all sorts of other things that impact them.
Maybe stressors made them become less patient, or commitments started eating up all their time, or illness made them withdraw, or a new home or job introduced them to new people in a new world…… but whatever the reason for these changes, it is very seldom about you at all. That is not to say it doesn’t impact you. If you read my blog, it does. It hurts when people change, and we can even feel attacked to a degree. But sometimes it hurts because we make it personal. We wonder what we did to upset them. Or what we could do to fix the problem. Or if we were so meaningless to them that they could easily forget about us or let us go.
You know what’s ironic? If the situation was reversed, they would probably feel the exact same way as you do now. The good news about that is this means it is a totally valid and normal thought process. The fact you feel sadness and loss over changes only serves to prove that there was love there because grief is just love with nowhere to go. It has nowhere to go because where you were putting it has changed. There isn’t room for it there anymore and that feels sad.
While I think it is important to feel that sadness and just sit with it until it passes, blaming yourself is not only pointless, it is also small minded. You can’t see the woods for the trees. We are all chapter’s in someone else’s book, just as they are in our own. But none of us are really actually writing the story or in complete control of how the pages are filled and when the chapters end.
When I think back to the friend who was freshly divorced; I notice I too was going through a break up of sorts from a core group friendship and she was there for me, giving me a place to put that love and we helped each other heal from 2 separate heartbreaks. The friend who became part of our family still has a welcome space at our table anytime even if she doesn’t use it. She came into my life at a time I was struggling with young kids and she helped me raise them to the teenagers they are today. They say little things she says, she is part of them, and it makes me smile. I needed her at that time in my life and my kids wouldn’t be who, or where they are today without her.
Two of the people who divorced and became closer as a result are 2 of the most dependable friends I have. One feeds my cat when I am away, twice a day and I never have to worry that she will forget. I trust her. The other is the one from my post a little while ago about dirty laundry, without whom life would be infinitely harder right now. I am so grateful these changes brought us together, but I know their stories continue to be written and my time or place may be written differently tomorrow. I am still grateful for today.
I even felt a bit lost when my hairdresser left the salon and disappeared off the face of the earth. Sure, I only saw her in the salon, but we built a bond there, and I was sad to lose it. I had to trust someone new with my hair and it scared me. But it eventually led me to my new hairdresser, who I love and trust just as much as the old one. I can still miss one while being grateful her departure brought me to another.
Friendship is a bit like that. The faces, and places change, but the feelings stay the same and when one door closes, another door or window opens. Eventually you will find it, you will love again and you will not always be sad that things had to change. Because you will grow tall enough to see the bigger picture and read the beautiful stories of the people you love, and have loved in the past and realise they didn’t want to leave you or lose you, it just kinda happened somehow.
We aren’t phases in people’s lives, but we are chapters within phases that are seemingly unrelated but yet all interconnected. Like the butterfly effect I suppose. We cannot control the phases of our lives or those of people we love, so all we can do, is make our chapters count. Make them chapters that they look back on and smile because you were in them. Chapters they like to re-read, mentally or even revisit later in life in a different phase or stage.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
