It is typically around this time of the year that we find ourselves evaluating our lives, thinking of new years resolutions and taking stock of what we have achieved in this last year. It is also the time of year where we often start making lists. To do lists, to buy lists, to cook lists, and of course, gift lists. This year, as you make your gift list, I thought it might be wise to do a quick health check of the friendships that appear on your list to see how they have developed or changed in the past 12 months.
Perhaps you might find some names on your list that you have grown apart from, and actually buying them a gift might feel a bit out of place given the shift in your friendship. On the other hand, you might have made new friends that should probably be on the list, being how quickly your friendship developed closeness this year. Maybe you have a few that have stayed steady, and a few who were a bit erratic this past 12 months?
The point of this exercise isn’t to say if someone is a good friend, or a good person. It is more to gauge how your unique friendship sits and feels compared to how it felt in the past. And, to serve as a general guide on how to evaluate a friendship, instead of assuming or pretending you are good friends, because you always were good friends.
Do their words and actions align?
One of the most confusing things about a friendship is when someone tells you that they consider you to be a close friend, however, they don’t treat you in such a way that this feels true. It might be something obvious, like always being too busy to spend time with you, but making plenty of time for their other friends. Or it may be something more subtle such as making negative “jokes” about you or at your expense, or not being happy for you when something good happens. If you find you are feeling confused in regards to where you stand with your friend, that is likely because their words and actions aren’t aligning. Most of the time, people will show you things that they won’t tell you.
Are your expectations reasonable?
If you are finding that some of the names on your Christmas card or gift list are causing you some confusion, because their words and actions aren’t in sync, the next question to ask yourself is if you are expecting too much? If your friend had to cancel 2 catch up’s in a row, you might be jumping the gun to assume that your friend no longer likes you. Similarly, if you expect close friends to speak daily, and they only speak to their other close friends once a month, this could be causing you to misinterpret their actions. If however, you used to speak everyday and they gradually started pulling it back, and now you hardly hear from them, it might be worth accepting that your name probably isn’t going to be on their gift list, and take them off your own.
Do they communicate well with you?
Communication is a skill, and some of us are better at it than others, but as a general rule, you should feel like the people on your list should be people you feel you can talk to openly. They should be people you feel safe with, people that actively listen and show interest and apologise when there are misunderstandings or upsets between you. If your friend is constantly minimizing how you feel, shrugging you off or calling you dramatic, then this is not someone who can handle your emotions or who is showing care and consideration for your feelings. Maybe you do have a tendency to over react, but they should still care that something hurt you enough to trigger such a big reaction from you and want to help resolve things. If you have a friend who never listens, only ever talks about themselves, never asks about you and refuses to take accountability for any of this, it might be time to ask yourself why they are still on your list?
Are they reliable?
Our friends should be people we can depend on and count on. If you called your friend in an emergency, do you think they would be there for you? If they say they will meet you at 12 on Saturday, can you feel assured that they will be there at 12 on Saturday, or do you know they will be late, probably cancel and then spend the whole hour you scheduled together on the phone to someone else, or playing games, answering work emails, or whatever else? Not every friend is going to be able to be your emergency contact and I understand that. But we all have people in our lives that we would rush to in an emergency and if they are on your list and you aren’t on theirs, that warrants some self reflection as to why you are prioritizing people who are not doing the same for you?
Is the friendship balanced?
We tend to fall into patterns with our friends, which might mean that one initiates more than the other, or one calls more than the other. But if one of you stopped this, would the other person notice? Would they care? Would they make efforts to close the gap? In my own life I do tend to be an initiator, however I will become resentful if my friend NEVER suggests time together, because it starts to feel like I am carrying, if not forcing, the friendship. I have a friend who always calls, and if she stops calling, I am highly unlikely to call her. Both because I know she is unlikely to answer anyway, and because I am not a caller. That said, I will message and ask how things are, or suggest a catch up. If you sat back and stopped putting in effort to your friendship, do you feel confident that your friend would notice, and care enough to take steps to bridge the gap?
I would like to point out here, that all friends don’t have to be all things. You may well have friends where neither of you would be, or expect to be the emergency contact, and that is perfectly fine. You might have friends who are too busy to make time much in person, but show up for you in other ways or keep in touch frequently. You might have a friend who does talk about themselves a bit much, but you know their life is chaotic and that if you needed them they would stop and listen to be there for you.
This shouldn’t be about comparing your friends to each other, but comparing them to themselves and your connections with them in the past and how they sit today. It is about comparing how you feel for them to how you perceive them to feel for you. It is about looking at your gift list and seeing who deserves to be on it and asking yourself who is on it out of habit? And asking yourself if that person is still worth the investment or if they are actually costing you emotionally.
If you are mindlessly exchanging $50 gift cards with someone habitually each year, although you no longer actually spend time or talk, wouldn’t it be easier to just keep your $50 for yourselves and let it fizzle? If you are buying extravagant gifts for someone, does your emotional investment still match that financial investment or has it begun to feel like an expectation rather than an expression of genuine friendship? Is your gift of a box of chocolates for someone really an empty gesture because you don’t know how to end things?
Now you have taken stock of your list, are there people on the list who probably don’t deserve to be there anymore? Are there people who probably do deserve to be there who aren’t? Are you brave enough to make the switch?
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
