Confessions
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Happy Easter to all the Good eggs out there, even if they are a little cracked!!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
So you used to be a group of 3 or more, and 2 of the people have parted ways. What does that mean for you? Or the new friend you just made turns out to be the enemy of your best friend’s sister? What then? How about if you happen to run into your ex friends other ex-friend? In complicated circumstances, should those circumstances dictate the terms of your friendship? Are there certain circumstances where you shouldn’t be friends with someone or whereby you should even?
Friendships are meant to be the simpler relationship on the menu of life, however, in my experience that actually isn’t true at all. They themselves can be complicated within the dynamic between 2 people, and just like romantic bonds, third parties can indeed get involved and complicate matters, as in the examples above.
Let’s start with the latter example. You have a falling out with a close friend. Over the course of your friendship, they had a falling out with another friend, and no longer speak. You were not friends with that other person, even if you were familiar with them travelling in similar circles, or just knew of them through your once mutual friend. Then life happens, and circumstances bring you and this person together…. Can you be friends? Should you be? Would that seem like a weird alliance or alternatively do you owe your ex friend some loyalty even though you are no longer on good terms?
Honestly, there is no right or wrong answers to this. If you sought this person out on the sole basis that perhaps your issue with the middle person was similar, and you wanted to fact check and vent, I’d probably advise against it. Therapy or time to resolve your feelings about the middle person might be a healthier step than seeking out someone to discuss them with. On the other hand, it is possible that perhaps verifying certain things will give you closure and help you move on. Whichever way it happened, make sure you have more in common with this person than the middle man, so to speak and grow your connection away from that source?
If however, circumstance brought you together after a long while apart from the middle man, I see no reason why you shouldn’t befriend this person, nor why you should. If you like them, proceed, and try and forget anything the ex-friend said about them. It is always important to use your own judgement to make up your own mind about a person based on your own experiences of them. Within reason, that is. What your ex friend thinks shouldn’t play into it. And, for that matter it still shouldn’t even if you are still friends with that person. They don’t own you or control you or have any say in who you can be friends with. If someone tries to dictate who you can be friends with or can’t be that is a red flag about them!
Ok, so what about the first scenario, where you end up playing piggy in the middle between 2 squabbling friends? Don’t play. It really is that simple. If you like them both, you are perfectly capable of maintaining clear friendship boundaries. Don’t encourage them to talk about one another, and do not break confidences if you do end up catching things in the middle. Simply maintain that you hope they can figure out their differences but that you won’t be getting involved. It is pretty important you are clear with both parties that you like the other person and consider them a friend. Otherwise you will drown in the secrets and lies of trying to keep your friendship with each of them quiet from the other and open yourself up to unfavourable gossip that may later come back to bite you.
In the middle scenario, you are one step removed. The person you have met is the enemy of your friend by proxy. This person had a falling out with someone your friend is close to. You really like them, but then when you are excited and talking about them with your friend, they figure out the connection and warn you not to proceed. They share a pretty nasty story about this new person and you feel conflicted about it. The information they shared seems to conflict what you know about them, but, you have to admit that you don’t know them that well yet.
My advice here is proceed, but proceed with caution. There is 2 sides to every story, but actually the story didn’t concern you and it isn’t your business. There may be things that you don’t know that would explain this further, and as it wasn’t your friend who was involved, but someone else, you can bet it was a game of Chinese whispers. The information you are receiving is tainted. Do not believe everything you hear. At the same time, be aware of red flags that validate any concerns you may have.
At the end of the day, friendship is an optional relationship. You are not obligated to become friends, or stay friends, with anyone, ever. Every friendship has its own risks and rewards, and it is up to you and only you who you proceed with. But I advise you to make those decisions for yourself and avoid temptation to give in to gossip. Worst case you learn a lesson and best case you make a wonderful friend.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
I tell people all the time to be more mindful of their friendships; to mentally put aside time and reminders to reach out to their friends. This is particularly important for super busy people, who can easily go months without really speaking to anyone “just because.” I don’t believe friendships are a waste of time, and nor do those people, however some people strive on more focused time and goals and friendships just don’t fit well into that narrative.
So I tell these people, invite a friend to meet you for lunch near your office on your lunch hour, or send a quick message every Friday night just to get into the habit of dedicating that time to friendships, because they ARE important. I stand by this advice, but I want to point out that this alone will never be enough. It is like watering your plants with only a drop of water instead of a sprinkle.
These steps are the maintenance during the drought to make sure the crop survives the harsh conditions to flourish again when the time is right. How long the drought lasts is entirely your call, however you better know your crop well enough to know how long it can handle the dry before it dies of thirst.
The good thing about friendships as opposed to plants is that they don’t need daily attention, and they can alert you when it is time for a good watering. The bad thing is that when we see a plant starting to droop or brown, we water it or actively decide to let it die, we don’t get angry at it for needing more attention, whereas with friendships sometimes we do. On the other hand, a thirsty plant will quickly absorb any drops of water offered willingly and gratefully, and that isn’t always the case with a friendship.
I have a friend who only calls in the car. That is her purposeful time for friendships where she can multitask and use her driving time effectively to water her friendship garden. Sometimes there is purpose to her calls, but most often she is just calling to say hello and touch base. Her intentions are good, and yet I struggle to accept them that way. I don’t know why it bothers me that she calls while driving, but I cannot deny it does.
Or perhaps, what bothers me is that she ONLY calls while driving. The other day she called me while I was getting my hair done and I couldn’t answer her call. I texted her to tell her that I wouldn’t be able to speak on the phone at that moment and I would call her when I was done. But I knew she had called because she was driving and if I didn’t call her back before she reached her destination, I wouldn’t get to speak to her! Sure enough I called when I was finished at the hair salon but no answer. Again, no answer when I called an hour after that. She did message that she would call me later, but she didn’t.
Well, that isn’t true, to be fair to her, she did call. She called the next morning, when she was driving to work! Now I understand that is when it was convenient for her to call. However, she knows I have school aged children to get organised for the school day and that it was not the most convenient time for me to take her call. I should also note that it was my choice to take her call that morning. I could have said “sorry, not a good time for me, I will call you later.” However by the time she is driving again I will be in the dinner, bath, and bed routine with the kids. So by that logic, it is never convenient for me to take her call at the times it is convenient for her to make them.
This makes me feel that although she was the one making the effort to call, that (A) the onus is actually on me to inconvenience myself to take the calls because she wont inconvenience herself to speak at other times, and that (B) I am not important enough to speak to when it is inconvenient. That doesn’t make what I feel fact, however if I feel it then it is still valid. And surely I have a point.
Something else that bothers me about it is sometimes she calls with news or conversations which warrant more time than she has to discuss them? Why call to ask how I am, only for you to tell me as I begin sharing that you have to go now? It frustrates me no end!
Only call me when you actually have time to talk!
But that is probably because I enjoy long meandering conversations and she doesn’t. She finds them pointless and a waste of time! It is because I assign a meaning to her calls that she doesn’t intend to attach to it herself. That I am a not a priority and calling me is just another thing to tick off her list and fill the silence in the car! As she is the one making the call, I can only assume her intention is quite the opposite and what she means to portray is that she used what little time she had to call me and that is because it was important and she didn’t want to just not call at all?! Should I not focus on her intentions when it is her call and her time?
Why do I find this hard to accept? I find it hard to accept because I separate myself from my inner plant! If I have a need to talk to her, I should drink up the drop that she called and accept it for what it is. I should not reject the drop, or the call, because it isn’t enough for me! But what is the solution to this conundrum, short of dying of thirst?
Simple, I don’t use these calls for conversation as much as I use them to secure some of her time face to face in person! Short calls for arranging plans are fine. It doesn’t have to take more than a few minutes to agree that you will go to the new local Mexican place for dinner on Friday night, or invite her over for a coffee on Sunday afternoon. By doing this, I am letting her know that my inner plant is still thirsty, while respecting her limited time to make the call.
And by continuing to call, she keeps in touch, keeps the connection alive. Being that she has figured out by now that I will ask for time when she calls, her continued calling assures me that our friendship is important, and that is why she calls. If she stopped calling or I stopped answering then it would die. The calls have now become the light rain in between catch ups.
If all we had were the calls; that would not be enough. But I know she is busy, and she doesn’t like to message. This is her communication style and preference, and I accept that about her, even if it irritates me sometimes. I know I irritate her sometimes too with my own habits, like my preference for long winded wordy messages! Haha So we compromise and make allowances.
Friendships are a bit like weeds that grow in the cracks of spare time in people’s lives. With love and positive intention, they thrive in most conditions and often actually bloom into beautiful flowers that make you wonder why it was labelled a weed in the first place. A bit like why this blog questions why friendships aren’t given the attention they deserve as a concept, or a place of priority and recognition in society……
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
We hear often these days about how friendships are hard to make as adults. I don’t deny this to be true, but I tend to question, is that because we are missing the signs or attempts of others to become our friends in the first place?
Making friends as a child or young person seems so much easier, but is that just because we are more open to new friendships then? More trusting and less selective? Maybe that is not such a bad thing? As we grow older, we have learnt from experience that not everyone is our friend, and that can leave us wary of new people. Added to that, we may be closed off to new people because of all the judgements we have learned to make along the way?
Not only that, but our social circles are more well developed, and we may have more strict criteria we are looking to fill. Not to mention that of course, we prefer to make friends of our own selection than perhaps be the passive selection of someone else.
I am not suggesting all of these things are negatives, I am just as guilty as anyone else of having a quiet preference for the type of friend I am open to making, or should that be hoping to make? What I am saying is that perhaps these things all add up over time and make us blind to some of the subtle, or not so subtle hints and signs that people around us are putting out that they are available for friendship!
1. They take an active interest in your life.
You might hardly know this person, or perhaps only know them in a casual or professional sense, yet every time you see them, you notice they remember details you told them last time you met up. They follow up with you about how your holiday family dinner went, or remember that last time you spoke they considered buying an air fryer and ask if you decided to get one. Sure, maybe it is just polite conversation, but if you don’t remember anything they disclosed, you might be missing a new opportunity for connection.
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2. They mention places they have been
What if every time you cross paths with someone they are telling you all about the latest new bar or comedy club they have been to? You might think that they are just bragging, and making you feel bad for the lack of places you go, but in reality maybe they are hoping you will take an interest and ask to join them sometime or maybe hoping to meet you there?
3. They invite you places
Maybe this person is always hosting a pyramid scheme party and inviting you along and you think they are just trying to make money. Or maybe they always seem to be hosting dinners or parties and say you’re welcome but you feel it is more of a pity invitation than an actual invite, because the party came up in conversation. Chances are though, that they do actually hope you will come along. One of my very close friends and I started this way, and she said that she liked that I always said yes, even though I didn’t really know her or anyone else there. Haha Maybe this is in line with my quality time love language, or maybe I was just a new mum desperate to get out of the house away from the baby at any given opportunity to have adult conversation!
4. They compliment you.
Ok this might make some of you squirm a little, but friendships aren’t that different to relationships at the onset. If someone always has something positive to say about your clothes, scent or personality, chances are that is their way of telling you that they like you. You might think they are just being nice or trying to flatter you…. But why would they do that? Because flattery gets you everywhere, that is why! Not to mention that we generally like people we admire, and we generally compliment people we admire…. So you do the math….. A person who expresses love by means of words of affirmation is most likely to use this tactic to make friends.
5. They buy you things.
Ok, so I should start by acknowledging friendship is not something that can be bought, but if your colleague often buys you a coffee in the morning, it may be their way of telling you that they thought of you and remembered your order. Or if they often say they saw something they just had to get for you, however small, a magnet or a pen, they are probably trying to reflect in their behaviour that they consider you a friend. Everyone has a different love language and theirs may be gifts.
6. They are always doing favours for you, or even asking you for favours.
Obviously, working love languages into this piece brings us to acts of service. Some people measure friendship by how helpful 2 people can be to one another. So, if the person sitting next to you suggests an exchange of favours, for example, they will type up your meeting minutes if you wouldn’t mind scanning in some papers for them instead, you may find they are actually trying to befriend you. Or if they walk past 4 people to ask you to borrow a pen, or are the first person to offer you one when yours stops working, chances are, they are interested in friendship!
7. They hug you hello and goodbye.
Ok, for some people this might simply be a cultural thing, or others may feel it is the polite thing to do. However, for many people this is another way they indicate that they feel comfortable and close with you, as most people don’t customarily hug strangers or acquaintances. Even an over enthusiastic hand shake can indicate interest and excitement! Of course this touches on those people who have a love language of physical touch, which does extend to friendship in subtle ways. Arm touches when they laugh, or a loving embrace during a tough time.
This is not meant to be an inclusive list, these are just a few of the things you might be missing when someone is interested in being your friend. We tend to relate better to people with the same styles or approach as our own, however we may be missing out on some fantastic people because we don’t recognise the signs.
At the end of the day, not many people will approach friendships in a direct blunt manner and simply ask you for friendship. It is a more subtle dance than that, whereby you make increasing reciprocal steps until it feels safe to define it as a friendship. If you don’t recognise the steps, you may be out of sync!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
OF FRIENDSHIP
Thanking a fan mail from Anika for this suggested topic on Aristotle! Keep writing in folks! =)
Back in history, a well-known Greek Philosopher named Aristotle described 3 types of friendship. The categories were:
Friendships of Utility
Friendships of Pleasure
Friendships of the Good.
(Wikipedia reference here)
The first type of friendship – friendship of utility, was meant to describe what we would likely refer to today as an acquaintance. It didn’t require you to like the person particularly, or for them to like you, but offered you both some sort of reward for cordial interaction. For example the lady who sells dog treats at the local dog park. You might know her name, and act friendly toward her. She is familiar with you and your pet’s names or behaviours. However you know nothing more about one another and have no desire to know more. You are friendly to one another on the basis that you want discounted organic dog treats for your pets, and she wants to make money from selling her goods. You are useful to each other, however the term friend would not really accurately describe your association.
This is not to be confused with a friend who uses you, and only makes contact when they want something, although by all means I would hesitate to use the word friend in that circumstance too! Nor is it used to describe acts of service between 2 friends of a different category. Friends in this category are people you recognise, you have pleasant conversation with, but said conversation is surface level and inconsequential generally speaking. You will have many “friendships” in this category over your lifetime and none of them will be likely to stand out or be remembered. You are unlikely to notice or to care when the association ends. It wont be a painful parting.
The second type of friendship is what Aristotle named Friendships of Pleasure. These are friends that we spend time with regularly because you delight in their company – or perhaps the activity which brings you together. For example you may have a good friend in art class. While you are there to practise and learn about art, you very much enjoy the wine and gossip with your friend you made in the class too. These are commonly colleagues. You genuinely like these people. You spend time regularly and consistently, however, the bond doesn’t seem to grow outside of the bounds of its birthplace. Maybe you tried and they weren’t interested or vice versa, or neither of you ever thought to expand the friendship. Sometimes you did try and it turned out the friendship only flourished under quite unique circumstances. For example, you both love art and wine, however the similarities end there. You live in a fancy apartment in the city, work a corporate office job and spend weekends at the theatre, whereas they live in a beach shack on the coast, write for a living and spend their time surfing. You might enjoy hearing about one another’s lives, but not enough to participate in that lifestyle.
Friends with benefits may fall into this category. Just shy of being something meaningful. You will remember these people after you part, but the chances are high that in time, you will part. There will be many of these people that come and go from your life. They are meaningful and should you meet again, it is likely you will be flooded with memories and fondness. However, the interactions are still not likely to rekindle. Once the flame dies out in these connections, it usually doesn’t respark. This doesn’t mean you were never meant to be friends or that the friendships weren’t real, only that they weren’t lasting. You will miss these people, but you are unlikely to long for them or feel heart broken by them.
I guess in my own life, these are my activity friends. The people I enjoy because I like their company, but in equal measure because I enjoy the activities we share. Movies, day spa’s, dinners, escape rooms, hotels, nails, shopping….. there may or may not be a valuable emotional connection with depth, it may vary, it may be reciprocal or one sided, but you hang in there because it is fun, more than fulfilling.
I, myself, wonder if most of these pairings could have become more, except each person’s quota was full for making more connections. Neither had the energy to sustain more, even if they were compatible in theory. Even if one person makes the effort, it takes 2. If both people are not open and available for the connection to grow, it wont. It took me a very long time to understand that wasn’t always personal.
I think it is quite common, actually for only one of the 2 people in any close friendship to put the friendship in this category. I am quite certain I have friends who only do this level, the next level being reserved strictly for family. One person in the pairing tends to have a much more casual attitude towards the bond than the other. I have actually wondered if we all don’t do this to people without being aware of it. Limited how close we could be or limited the potential for whatever reason even if we knew or suspected they wanted more.
The third type of Friendship Aristotle named was the ultimate tier of friendship. Friendships of the Good. These are the friends we let close to us. The ones that truly know our strengths and weaknesses and love us for it. They are the ones who we trust, rely on and let see behind the mask. The ones we offer support to and celebrate. These are friends we give and expect loyalty to and from. These are the friendships that will break a heart if they shatter, because they are so valuable and meaningful.
Friendships of this nature require reciprocation, you would assume and that is, I believe, the context in which it was meant. However, as I stated above, I think sometimes we might love somebody at this level while they kinda keep us in type 2 or vice versa. However, we are usually somewhat blind to this. If we love a friend to tier 3 then we assume perhaps that this sentiment is returned.
We expect these friendships to last, and often times they do, assuming the character of the people involved stay basically the same, we will continue to seek each other out and miss each other during periods of absence. These are the friends with whom we are likeliest to make effort to keep in touch. They are the ones we will be willingly useful for without personal gain. They are the friends we confide in and who’s secrets we guard with respect not judgement.
These are the friendships of great love stories and tragedies, although they may never have had romantic flair. Because they are meaningful, they are celebrated and mourned equally and in many ways become part of us. These are the friends worth fighting for.
Know which friendships belong in which categories in your life. Mistakes in not knowing your place or theirs can be costly. Be careful who gets to level 3, but when they do get there, be careful to show them the respect they deserve and the care your friendship will need to sustain itself. You’ll be glad you did, and sad to learn one day if you never really understood the difference.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
In the spirit of the recent topics touching on queer platonic relationships and Boston Marriages, I wanted to write a piece about friendships that don’t seem to quite fit in either category, but feel much more a blend of the 2 romantic versus platonic bonds, but stay in a bit of a grey space…… So if you and someone you are close to are less than lovers, does that make you friends? Can you be more than friends if you are less than anything else officially speaking?
Keep in mind I am not necessarily talking about friends with benefits here. Today I am writing about those super close friendships, that feel more like relationships…… but aren’t. They aren’t, in the way that benefits are lacking, but that is the only way that they aren’t.
If you are, or ever have been in one of these friendships, you will understand what I mean when I say that the word “best friend” feels too distanced, doesn’t exactly capture the essence of the bond or they way you interact or structure your relationship, and yet, it seems the only acceptable terminology to use?
You might consider this person a love of your life, a soulmate or a sibling, depending on your beliefs and values surrounding these issues. You may do many of the things that romantic couples do. Daily good morning messages or good night texts, or just conversation. Valentines dates, plus one’s at weddings, weekends away. If there is a new place you want to check out, or show you want to see, you immediately assume they will be joining you and never really consider taking anyone else. If a third party comes along, it might even feel awkward, like they are somehow diluting the closeness you share by their presence.
This is probably because you feel you can talk to them about anything and everything, something you do often and you dislike it when someone else interjects and you find you have to filter yourself. Although you don’t touch this person, you probably feel the need to be close to them. For example if a third party were to sit in the middle of you, you might feel disgruntled and far apart from them. You may even feel the need to reach out and touch them to reassure each other that your bond is still “felt”.
These friendships tend to be intense, at times obsessive and usually exclusive. There is no boundary on qualifications. You may or may not share the same gender, orientation, situation, cultural values or beliefs etc…. it’s not as important as the deep love and connection you feel. If you do happen to be of the same gender it wouldn’t be uncommon for people to question your relationship and rumours of homosexuality may swirl around you. If you happen to both be straight and of opposite genders, I can safely assume that people refuse to believe that you are NOT a couple and insist you should be one.
Except, for whatever reason, sometimes reasons you don’t know yourself, you aren’t a couple. Often, one of you, sometimes even both of you want to be, but some sort of fear holds you back. It might be as simple as fear that you will ruin what you have, or as complex as fear that people would not accept or understand your pairing that does not fit into the boxes they offer.
I have lived my life having serial monogamous almost relationships that I have called friendships. It could be because I am not heterosexual and these friendships are an attempt to have relationships with women as far as possible within the context of marriage and sexuality. This pattern predates those obvious constraints though. Could it be a pattern I developed to explore closeness with other girls before I was even consciously aware of sexuality? That makes sense, but what of the women who do not share any homosexual tendencies? Why do they participate in such pairings with me… or with each other?
I can’t say I know for sure, although I would like to, if any of you know. What I can say is that these almost relationships are as painful as they are pleasurable and they almost always end, the same as relationships do, I suppose, until you meet that one person you are with forever. But this leaves me wondering if it is possible to meet that one person, in an almost situation?
Not all of the friendships have died, but eventually the intensity dies. The connection just isn’t the same and the feeling of closeness and togetherness is eventually shattered in one way or another. Anything from circumstantial changes, to emotional ones can alter the dynamic. And when these changes start happening, it is nothing short of agonising. Sometimes it is only then that you may question if the term friendship was strong enough to describe your relationship when your pain appears to outweigh it rationally?
There have been times where I knew that I would have liked to share more with them, but most of the time this is an unspoken thing on both sides that you just love each other at full capacity, well….. almost!
These connections can be somewhat intoxicating, impossible to resist, and although the people in them don’t want to continue this pattern because of the pain it brings, time and time again the reward outweighs the risks. As they develop, people get so lost in them that they don’t even realise that it is happening again. Until it ends.
Should these people just stay out of the water and not share deep emotional connections with friends because it is too risky? Or should they accept that sometimes you get dunked, but riding the waves is too fun and they haven’t died yet? I’m not sure.
What I personally have learnt along the way is never to have only one. Although I referenced a monogamist approach, this is unwise. It is even unwise to have one that takes priority of place. I think you at least need to exploit the nonmonogamist fundamental concept of friendship and experience deep and meaningful connections with a range of people, and this should extend to having more than one potential plus one for an event in your mind.
Do you have one of these friendships? Is it consistent? Or something you fall back in and out of depending on your circumstance? More on that next week!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Last week I posted about Queer Platonic Relationships. That is, the pairing of two people presenting as a couple regardless of sexual intimacy involved. This is not an entirely new concept.
Wikipedia describes a Boston Marriage as the historic cohabitation of two wealthy women, independent of financial support from a man. The term is said to have been in use in New England in the late 19th/early 20th century.
Historically the pairing was specific to women, assumed to be heterosexual, however choosing to couple with a female for the freedoms it offered her lifestyle. In modern times, the structure of the dynamic still thrives, however it is no longer limited to females. Any person, of any orientation may enter one with any other person of any orientation even if those orientations or identities would appear to put them at odds. Similarly, they can occur between 2 people between whom a romantic or sexual connection could be possible, however the distinction is generally that such a connection does not exist.
These partnerships operate as platonic couplings, however as I touched on in my last post, that does not diminish the strength of their bond, nor define how they communicate love and affection for one another. Each partnership is unique to the people or persons in it. However, they do identify it as their primary partnership for love and support if not also for affection. For example, the couple will generally expect to bring each other to family events such as weddings or holiday celebrations. They wish for the same privileges that sexual couples experience.
Wikipedia reports that Boston Marriages were, in their time, a socially acceptable option for women, until approximately the 1920’s when suspicions arose about them being homosexual pairings. I can only assume this is around the time that homosexuality among women was beginning to be recognised and frowned upon. I personally have to wonder if this had anything to do with men feeling put out by the new freedoms of the working women and not needing to take a husband for financial support, and fear perhaps that they would no longer be needed!
Regardless, it happened, and women started to shy away from such arrangements under social scrutiny, because also under scrutiny was their love and affection for one another. Before such scrutiny was cast upon them, romance between women in their friendships was actively encouraged, not just accepted. It was considered “training for marriage: as girls would kiss, hold hands, share a bed and be openly affectionate. (Source)
Letters from the era, and later books such as those of Jane Austen are open examples of such friendships, with women expressing their feelings towards each other in terms we would now widely consider to be uncomfortable, if not incompatible or even inappropriate ways to express platonic love. However, in the modern day queer platonic pairings, the people involved may well share a bed, hold hands, kiss on the lips and exchange “I love you” quite regularly.
Why do we assume this makes a connection sexual in nature, and why, even if it does, is that important? As I referenced in my last post, many many marriages settle in a deeply loving but non sexual place anyway, and it isn’t the business of any outsider to know the details. If they are not having sexual relations on the dinner table at Christmas for example, why does that factor alone make them more worthy of a place around it?
Perhaps it is our obsession with monogamy that makes it seem more worthy? Because queer platonic relationships can and do stretch out into the realms of open marriage or polyamory. This is because although they deem each other to be their significant life partner, they often do entertain romantic or sexual connections outside of the partnership. I can only deduce that our inability to separate love and sex plays into this.
As a society, the assumption tends to be that if a person is having 2 relationships, one of a sexual nature, and one of a non-sexual nature, that the sexual one trumps the non-sexual one in some way, but why is this? Why is it unthinkable to maintain both relationships with equal importance, or even to give the platonic connection priority? I wonder why this is unthinkable when so many studies have recently shown that women would rather isolate with their best female friend than their partner, or that we prefer the company of our friends in general! Not far behind is the new emergence of the bromance, indicating many men may feel the same way as women and prefer their own company for social interaction.
Surely we can all by now accept that even when 2 people who have the potential to become sexual are friends, based on their preferences, that we aren’t always attracted to that person and that alone is a good enough reason not to act in a sexual manner. However that does not mean we cannot love and value that person in a very high manner?
As someone who has found their identity to be somewhat ambiguous sexually, I can assure you that does not mean I have not loved, and the value of those connections has never been based on the sexual component. I believe I could live happily with a partner without a sexual component, and why that should have to be questioned baffles me. I also don’t feel I should, or that I do prioritise my husband above any of the other relationships in my life. Friendships are relationships! They are warm and loving and fun and affectionate. (Then again, it is also not lost on me that I write this blog not due to my success at friendships! haha So maybe there is value I fail to see in keeping them so separate?!)
However I know this is an unpopular stance. A Boston Marriage or queer platonic pairing may not be right for you, and that is fine. The point of this piece is to address that they exist, they are real and they matter and question why the taboo? And why it is our business how they interact to help us place them in a category we respect and understand?
Love is love. I love each and every one of my friends, irrespective of attraction or lack thereof. We should spend less time worrying about who loves who and how, and pay closer attention to those among us incapable of love at all!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
In line with GALentines Day or PALentines day tomorrow, I wanted to write a post about the importance of platonic pairings and validate the strong bonds of friendship which are just as likely (if not more so) to last a lifetime!
Queer Platonic Relationships (QPR’s) are not well-known or spoken about in our society, however they are more common than you think. So common in fact, that you might even be in one and not even know?! Before you click away from this article because you do not identify as queer, let me explain.
Queer platonic relationships can exist between 2 queer people, however they can also exist between any 2 people of any orientation. My understanding or interpretation of the term is that they are queer in that they are not understood as the typically accepted romantic pairing. In a well defined QPR 2 people acknowledge their pairing to be of significance and priority despite the platonic nature of their connection.
People in existing QPR’s may or may not have external romantic connections, sexual partners and or any other type of relationships. However they choose to be in some way monogamous to a friendship as their primary life partner. They may live together, raise children or animals together, share finances or any other means of partnership usually associated with a married couple for example.
They may be 2 heterosexual women, an asexual woman and a gay man, a heterosexual man and woman or any other pairing that could exist. The point is that they do not define their relationship as romantic but it is the primary relationship. However, I think people are sometimes hesitant to label or discuss it openly – at times, even with each other.
Do you live with your best friend? Do you share finances? Do you automatically know when you need a plus one that this person will be your date? Maybe it isn’t your best friend, or it is but it is technically a sibling, a parent or another relative? Family pairings of this nature are quite common. 2 sisters living together and raising their children as a unit for example? It may have started as a way to save costs, and ended up being everything you didn’t know you wanted or needed. Sure, maybe you both have a lover on the side, but actually, you can’t imagine ever not living with this person. You’re happy with your life in this manner, however unconventional it seems. This works for you.
When the party involved is not a relative, there is sometimes the potential; that it could develop into a romantic relationship, however the general premise is that it doesn’t and never will. The idea is that the lack of physical or sexual intimacy is one of the strengths of the pairing, that they choose each other because platonic love is real and it matters and it is in many ways less complicated….. or is it?
The problem with QPR’s, apart from the fact that they aren’t acknowledged or supported as legitimate partnerships, even if they survive a lifetime, is that when they are not discussed openly between the 2 people, sometimes expectations may differ. Although each of them may talk about the arrangement continuing happily forever, without a real discussion about commitment to that idea, one party may actually still be open to starting a new life with a romantic partner should they meet one who wants this, which can leave their platonic partner blindsided, lost, heart broken and alone.
Not only does this person feel these things, if they have not declared their relationship status as a priority, then it is likely they will also face these feelings alone and be shamed if they attempt to express themselves. Society has this way of minimising friendships and making people feel like they are being dramatic or unkind if they lose a friend to a relationship. And for the person left, it IS a loss. Those feelings are real and valid and they matter. QPR’s are hard to come by actually, so if that is your preferred partnership style, not only may it take years to recover, you may actually never re-partner which is sad.
I want to bring attention to these relationships to validate them and to encourage these conversations. Within the partnership itself, and within their family networks to respect the place of the partner as a platonic partner. And also among the general community because these pairings aren’t invisible, we just tend to fail to acknowledge them.
I’d like to add that the friends in question may not live together, that was purely an example for the article’s sake. They may have individual lives, however the point is that they do have a plus one in this life which shouldn’t be minimised based on the lack of sexual intimacy. Many married couples afterall end up quite comfortably in this category. Just because they were once intimate (we assume) does not make any real difference does it? QPR Partners do often, (although not always) express affection and love towards one another in similar ways to other couples despite the platonic nature of their relationship. (More on that to come soon!)
So let us all acknowledge all relationships and respect our partners and each other. Friendships are relationships if you like it or not. About time we treated them that way don’t you think?
Happy GALentines/PALentinest day for tomorrow folks, don;t forget those yellow roses. In line with Covid, let’s go digital this year, image below! Forward it to your friends tomorrow!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Just crop out the bottom if you want to use this image!
Ok, so last week we discussed the differences between the judger and the perceiver and what that means for us. What it means for our friendships however, is that we will frustrate one another quite significantly.
As a judger type, I know I frustrate my perceiver friends. I ask them too far in advance to lock in plans, and they are either reluctant because they cannot think that far in advance, or they are willing but resentful and will be just as likely to cancel anyway because the time of my suggestion seemed so far into the distant future they just assumed it would work out. When it doesn’t, they don’t think it is a big deal to change their plans.
This, in turn frustrates me no end as a judger. Why would I go to such extremes to book things in with you so far in advance if your attendance was not important, or if the plans weren’t important? Some things need to be booked and paid for in advance, and I expect if you have agreed to attend, and I have purchased tickets for us that you will infact treat it as important enough to remember and show up.
So the question remains, when we are so fundamentally different, how can we be better friends for each other? I know I have blogged before about some of my friends offering feedback about my inflexibility and now this is really making sense to me in ways that it didn’t quite penetrate before. It doesn’t matter if we end up having lunch at the local pub instead of the café, if we are still having lunch, I should let it go and roll with it, without unnecessary comments about the plan. Haha
What my perceiver friends need to understand is that there is a reason it was important to me. If I suggested the café, there was a reason for it. Maybe it has a playground for my kids that the tavern doesn’t have, or maybe it does the vegan menu that someone accompanying us will love. Added to which, if we all agreed on the café, you better believe I looked at the menu, decided what I was going to order and probably brought only around that amount of money, because I live by a budget. If the tavern is more expensive, yes, I can put it on the card, but I still have to then sit down and rebalance everything to make that work.
All of this doesn’t mean I can’t be flexible, I can be and I should be, but it is easier on me if you acknowledge why this will be a concern and not just call me inflexible. In return I should acknowledge that when you are flaky it isn’t always your fault. If your family frequently makes last minute requests for your time and you are a people pleaser, I should acknowledge that I know it isn’t personal when you change plans, but that you have found yourself in a bad position letting everyone down somewhat in an effort to please everyone.
Remember this is true on both sides, and you are both probably frustrated.
Ultimately neither of us can or will change who we are or how we live, nor how the people impacting us live, but this understanding of the position of the other person goes a lot further than frustration in helping the situation. As I prefer absolutes, don’t agree to plans with me on your grandmother’s birthday even though you are fairly sure her party wont be on the actual day. Because murphy’s law says if you make plans with me she will celebrate that day, and of course, you will have to go. But I will be annoyed you didn’t think of that BEFORE you said yes. However, if the plan is we have to see the 9pm movie instead of the 7pm movie to accommodate this birthday, I should be cool with that and accept that it isn’t ideal, it will impact my morning walk, but that is my problem and isn’t more important than Grandma’s 90th birthday party.
When I take time to reflect why so many of my friends are perceivers, it is probably because we are more compatible than we think. Perceivers like that I take control, make the plans and they just show up and have a good time. I like that when life throws a spanner in the works and I have to adjust made plans; that they are totally flexible and just go along with whatever I decide needs to happen instead.
When 2 judgers get close, each one wants to be the one making the suggestions, and gets resentful at helpful hints to change things somewhat to suit the other judger. Each one wants to impress the other with his or her knowledge of cool places or suggestions and it can become a competition of sorts. And each one would rather be in control of meeting when it suits him or her and not at the call of the other. It can be harder to co-ordinate.
When 2 perceivers are friends, they can go a very long time without making contact at all. When they do make contact it is usually impromptu “I am in town, come to the local for a drink, I am there now?” If their friend is free, they are excited by the invitation. However they are just as likely not to show up and not call because they decided to do the washing first and then they got distracted doing something else. Plans are often forgotten, rescheduled perpetually or cancelled at the last minute.
So this means we’re more compatible with our opposite than our counterpart. But it doesn’t mean we can’t be better friends to our counterparts too. For perceivers this means deciding to stick to a plan after the 3rd reschedule. It means putting reminders in your phone to contact that friend at least once a month and it means holding each other accountable for flakiness and silly excuses.
For judgers it means taking turns at making the plans and trying to enjoy the plans your friend made for you. Don’t criticise, make suggestions or talk about the time you did the same thing and it was better because…. Just enjoy it. Compliment their choices, appreciate the effort they went to and attempt to enjoy relinquishing control and responsibility. Trust them to know you can’t eat seafood and not to book a fish dinner. And if they do book one, ask for a salad and don’t make a big deal about it. One light meal wont kill you but a sour attitude will kill the ambience.
Only drive when you are in the drivers seat with the keys to the car.
My best advice is this. If your friend is a judger, understand they would rather have no plans at all than plans that are unlikely to happen, and give as much notice as you can to any changes so they can process these and make allowances and be flexible for you. If your friend is a perceiver, treat plans with them as though they are penciled or tentative. Don’t pressure them to commit too far in advance and if you have to, always have a back up plan in mind.
It is ok for judgers to stand their ground and be inflexible when they need to be, and it is ok for perceivers to make changes when they need to. Sometimes these things happen. But judgers are at risk of saying it is easier not to have friends at all and perceivers are just as likely to end up with none because of their flakiness. So we really must try harder to understand each other and accommodate instead of asking each other to change totally.
One way is not better than the other, they can complement each other if we let them. So let’s all try to compliment our friends good points and what we can learn from them!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
For those of you that don’t know, it is summer here in Australia, and the long hot school holidays are upon us! I have never professed to be the perfect mother, and I admit I find the holidays tedious and stressful as they stretch out for what feels like an eternity, even if it is only 6 weeks! The problem isn’t time with the children, as much as it is the stress that goes into planning these weeks.
I enjoy, or, perhaps, it has been a coping mechanism, or some combination of both factors, keeping us busy and social during the summer holidays. I have usually prepped for Christmas well in advance, so come November I can turn my attention to the tedious task of planning the time. Sitting down with the children and listening to what is important to them, such as sleepovers with friends and screen time, and where they want to visit, like ALL the waterparks and hotels etc…. is enough to slightly elevate your blood pressure alone! Haha
Once I have made note of their input, and we have decided on a fair compromise of activities and a balance of home time and social time, it is time for me to print the calendar templates and start penciling things in. This step in of itself requires much research. What places are open what days? What times? What food places are nearby? Can I pack a lunch? Do I need sunscreen and bathers, or membership cards and coins? Then there is the budgeting aspect – taking into account entry prices, added with likely incidentals like food, drinks, snacks, paid photography opportunities or gaming machines for example. This research and planning takes hours alone.
Figuring out the logistics of it all is even worse. Friend A only has Friday’s off work, but wants to visit the place that your discount tickets (I always have discount tickets!) are only valid Monday to Thursday?! Or Friend B always babysits for her friend on Mondays, and wants to see you, but your kids are older and don’t have much interest in the same activities as the younger child? Or you usually see friend C on a Tuesday but the hotels were cheaper midweek, so you booked getaways those days and can only offer her a Thursday catch up? It is so difficult to navigate fitting everyone and everything in the right place that I am proud of my masterpiece when it is complete. I have planned which days we will go where with which people. I have scheduled sleepovers and home days and getaways. I have planned the meals around all of it and the prices and tickets. I have booked in advance everything that can be booked in advance and I finally feel prepared! Bring it on Summer Holidays, I am ready for you!
Have you heard the expression “In the beginning there was a plan, and the plan was good?” Well, that, ladies and gentleman is my reality! I know I have posted before about how much I love my friends that come together out of the woodwork like a social support network during this time, and also my frustrations at those same friends when they cannot keep their plans. I wont lie, it REALLY UPSETS me, changes to my plans! I feel invalidated and like they don’t respect my time. Either the time I took to make the plans or the time it will take to accommodate changes. No, we can’t just do next week instead, because I have plans with other people next week!
I have one friend in particular who really helps and supports me through the holidays. As she doesn’t have children of her own, she can be more flexible and available to tag along with us. Last year, she appointed me president of her social calendar and basically said “tell me when and where, and I will be there.” Except she wasn’t. Her brother’s wife returned to work after maternity leave, and that meant she was expected to have the baby any time her sister in law worked a shift. This meant movie tickets had to be refunded in favour of trips to the mini train stations, and waterparks were discarded in favour of indoor play centres. Where plans couldn’t be changed or abandoned, it meant I was watching the baby while she was off riding the rides with my kids as agreed for example. I noticed a pattern and gently enquired about the baby’s day care schedule! I thought I was well prepared to boycott the system this year, planning outings with this friend on days when the baby was at day care and leaving her free.
Alas, my friend still ended up bringing the now toddler to a waterpark and making us work around his nap. She still changed a movie date because she ended up having her other nieces and nephews sleep over instead, and she still changed our climbing adventure, which I specifically needed her for, in favour of a camping trip. I understand my friend has strong family values and I love this about her, I don’t expect to be a priority, unless you have made plans with me first. In which case, I kinda do expect if you have said “tell me when and where and I will be there” that, you know, you will actually be there. Especially if you know I am relying on you to be there. This is fair. My friend knows I hate these changes, although I try to accommodate them I had to be very clear with her that these impromptu changes are pretty difficult for me to navigate.
Recently however, she brought the toddler with us to an outing and it was fine. Lovely even, and I had to wonder why I get so upset about things that don’t matter just because I planned it to be a certain way! As my oldest has Autism, I do have to schedule and he doesn’t like changes, however it was more than that, it was ME who also didn’t like them. Wondering if I too have autism, I googled why I find changes to plans so frustrating, and I came across articles referencing the Myers Briggs personality types; Judgers and Perceivers.
I, my friends, am a Judger. I cannot relax until I have done what I needed to do. Much of my thought goes into the future and planning for all possible outcomes. I have a school holiday schedule before they start until after they end. I have a budget always to a year in advance, and I get up early to do 10000 steps, even on holidays, so that it is done and I can relax. I cannot relax until I have done what needs to get done, and I know I am prepared for what needs to be done tomorrow too!
My friend, actually, almost all my friends, appear to be perceivers. Plans make them feel locked in, whereas they prefer to keep their options open. They like to see how they feel on the day. They like to see what offers they get, and they are especially adaptable to change. They are flexible and confident they will get everything done, get to all the places without a plan, and don’t lose sleep over it if some things are missed.
Knowing this fundamental difference really helped me understand and tolerate these changes and accept my friends can’t help their nature any more than I can. Question is, can we be friends? And if we can, how can we be better for each other? Stay tuned next week to find out!
To find out what personality type you are, take one of their free tests here. Please note, in relation to the Perceiver or Judger type, these are usually listed last. Your type will have 4 letters, ending with a P or a J. If you are a judger you will see J and if you are a perceiver you will see a P. It is possible to have traits of both. For these specific personality types only try this test here from www.brainfall.com.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
I am the first to admit that I tend to shy away from conflict and confrontation. The idea of it can be paralysing to the point that it is easier just to withdraw and walk away than actually have those hard conversations. However, as I have reflected here in that past, that tendency has not been helpful. You cannot resolve conflict if you won’t confront it.
That’s all very easy to talk about in theory. What isn’t as easy, is putting that theory into practise and putting your money where your mouth is. When I wrote that piece about confronting conflict, issues were brewing, but none had bubbled to the surface just yet.
Over time, that brew started to simmer, and I knew it was time to suit up for battle. Not having had much practise at confronting the issues head on, I am going to be honest and admit my first attempt was feeble. So feeble in fact the friend in question still seemed relatively unaware I had raised an issue and was continuing on as if everything was fine between us. I was conflicted by this, because ultimately things continuing on well was my desired outcome, however, our ideas on the health of our connection were quite different, and continuing was not a reflection of how I felt. I did not feel everything was fine. How would my friend know if I didn’t say anything more direct about it?
Feeling frustrated that she had missed my first attempt ensured that my second attempt went down like a lead balloon too. I knew that I was not handling the conversation well and yet, I couldn’t seem to stop making it worse. My first mistake in this instance was attempting to have this important conversation via instant messaging.
In large part, my issue in our friendship was the lack of quality time we were sharing. Our friendship had become very activity focussed recently, and I was not feeling that connection that comes from spending time actually just talking and being present with one another. While I enjoyed the time my friend and I spent, and the activities we shared, I felt we weren’t being present with each other. My friend had been a large part of our everyday life over the past few years and this year circumstances changed and it led to a bit of a disconnect for me.
Curiously, my little implosion happened after a really lovely afternoon spent together when my friend stopped by impromptu and stayed for a few hours like old times. She texted what a lovely time she had, and instead of returning the sentiment, I took the opportunity to launch into a tirade on how it seemed to have been her choice recently to disengage in our casual company and conversation and I was beginning to think it was more about the activities for her. Naturally, my approach made my friend defensive and annoyed. She did apologise, and she did acknowledge her withdrawal, but it seemed it wasn’t good enough for me. Once I got started, I couldn’t seem to stop. I don’t know what I thought I would achieve, but can only reason that perhaps I was trying to express the depth of my hurt, to get my friend to acknowledge not only that she had withdrawn but that I was wounded by this. Instead it just came across as nasty accusations. '
Eventually my friend stopped reading or replying. To be fair to her, it was late at night by then and we both needed to sleep as we were obviously emotional and tired. However, it hurt me that this conversation wasn’t even important enough for my friend to lose any sleep over. I stayed up ruminating over how she might have responded to me if I was anyone else in her life, while she slept peacefully to escape her anger and resentment at me for actually asking her to start showing up to our friendship again. I eventually accepted that I couldn’t possibly know how she would respond to anyone else, nor could I know what she was feeling, how well she was sleeping or what she was thinking. So instead I considered her points, that things in both our lives had changed this year, and as a result of that circumstance she no longer had the time to devote to us. That she probably felt attacked and misunderstood and I may feel angry about that too in her position.
Above all else, I decided I had handled the conversation exceptionally poorly, so when the morning came, I acknowledged that and apologised, saying this was a conversation best had in person, if at all and that I did hear her perspective and it had merit. I had forgotten that we were 2 members of the same team, not opposing ones, and we shared a common goal – to make things better between us. I needed a reminder from my previous musings that people feel lonely because they build walls rather than bridges. That is essentially all I was achieving that night.
My friend took the opportunity to reassure me that she wanted to make our friendship meaningful to me again and suggested some ways to go about that. I was able to express that I would appreciate some effort on her behalf to make that time happen, without making the scheduled demands that I have been criticised for in the past. However it was hard to accept this effort on face value, because when you have to ask someone to make more effort, the unfortunate side effect of getting what you asked for, is not knowing if the other person wants to give it to you or if you’re only getting it reluctantly because you forced their hand, and they quietly resent you for it.
This meant there was more work to be done. More understanding. More awkward painful conversations. During these conversations we had to really hear each other and validate the points each of us made. We had to remember one of us wasn’t “wrong” – that we could both be right. My friend was right when she said she didn’t have as much time to offer, and I was right when I said friendship requires you to make time. It’s about her making SOME time and effort, and me appreciating that time and effort. It’s about understanding the ways in which we feel connected to one another and accepting our fundamental concept of friendship differs.
I’ll be honest, at the time of writing this piece, I can’t say for sure if this friendship will endure, or if the season has passed. Even if we revive it, will we have what it takes to sustain it? It might never be what it was again, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t good while it lasted or that it can’t still be meaningful in the future. Even if our attempts ultimately fail, we will both know we tried. I have said before if a friendship is painful enough to push you to the limits of walking away, it is probably worth saving, and this one is definitely worth trying at least.
On that note, I would like to thank my friend for stepping forward. I have noticed the extra effort, and it is enough. I don’t want to ask of you more than you can give. I don’t want you to resent these efforts as though they are not making a difference, because they are. I know you‘re still a bit angry and you know that I am still a bit hurt, but the good news is that an emotion shared is an emotion halved and we care enough to try and help each other let go of these emotions instead of continuing to lean into them and blame one another for them. The fact that I can come to you safely and trust you to work with me and not against me means everything and gives me much hope for our future. I hope you feel safe to do the same when the time comes, because I do love you, for whatever it is worth.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Ok, last week I encouraged readers to view their friendships like a budget, (to read this post first, please click here) to carefully manage their investment to bring about the ultimate rewards. This week is about how to manage and balance that budget so it is not too restrictive, but equally doesn’t leave you in debt or all used up!
The budget should comprise of income and expenditure equally. What you would expect to spend or give of yourself to meet your needs, and what you would expect or hope to gain in return. As a general rule, these columns should be pretty equal. You can’t expect to give nothing and receive everything. Similarly you shouldn’t expect to give everything and receive nothing either.
I recommend that you make columns for the things you hope for. Humour. How many rows of humour you include in the column depends on how important sharing a laugh with a friend is to you. Other columns might include shared faith, values, political views or sharing of opinions, quality time spent relaxing, time spent on activities or going out, active time, deep or personal conversation, and even a column for truth, bluntness or alternatively gentleness and kindness, and if it is important to you, acts of service. This means how much you expect a friend to do helpful things for you to help you out. (Examples include babysitting, grabbing things at the shops for you if you are there, helping plan for a party, driving you places when you need a ride etc…. things that are of benefit to you and make you feel like the person cares enough about you to do them although there may be no direct benefit to them to do these things for you.)
For me personally, I probably do want all these things and more in equal measure, however I have 5 different spreadsheets. While one person may give me 60% humour, 10% personal conversation, and 30% acts of service, and other friend might offer 90% personal connection and conversation and 10% humour. So over the 5 spreadsheets I have 100% balance, and each need has 100% been met, albeit by different friends at different times.
This method requires you to be acutely aware of what each person you call a friend is offering you and what they are getting from you in return. Sometimes what you are giving isn’t always the same as what you are getting in return. Sometimes it is. For example, the friend who is giving 60% humour, might be asking for in exchange 60% acts of service. So they make you laugh all the time, but in return they seem to ask you for a lot of personal favours. It really is unique to each person if this equation balances for you. Personally I require more depth and connection than humour to balance acts of service. I need to feel quite close to someone to lighten the burden. Other people prefer acts of service and feel burdened by heavy conversation.
There is no right or wrong way to be, as long as you are aware of how each connection balances for you, and allow room for some flexibility when life gets in the way of someone’s ability to offer what they usually do. If your equations balance, then you are already wealthy. However, how do you ensure you have enough left over for aforementioned flexibility?
Invest. As friendships grow, we invest minimally, but regularly and consistently to test their potential. As time passes, we decide if it has the potential to grow, if it has reached it’s full potential already, or if we think it wasn’t a good investment to begin with. It is important to note that just because one person wasn’t a good investment for you doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be great for someone else. That also translates to understanding that you might not be a wise investment for someone either, and that is ok. Better not to throw good money after bad either way.
Anyway, as I was saying, if you feel the friendship has the potential to grow, you invest a little more and a little more. Over time, you will find that the friendship starts paying off slightly more rewards than you ever imagined possible. And that is where the credit comes in. That is where you draw the strength to give a little more at times when they need it and don’t have as much to give. Equally it is where they get the credit to be forgiving of your times when you have less to offer. Because the friendship has reached a point of mutual reward, where the investment means enough to both of you that you would rather not stop investing.
Sometimes we do stop investing, we don’t give the friendship the time and effort and attention it needs, and slowly the monthly account keeping fees eat away at the funds. If you don’t keep an eye on this, one of you might ask for more that the other has to give. This will certainly apply a strain and you will feel the tension. That simply means you need to invest more. Regardless of who made the big withdrawal, you need to reinvest more, and hopefully your friend will follow.
You can’t let your account get into the red. It wont last long if you do. The minute you feel that it is in the red, you must act if you wish to save it. Of course, people change, friendships change and you might decide you want to invest elsewhere instead. It is ok to close your friendship accounts, just make sure you do the mental maths a few times to be sure this is really what you want to do. It’s not impossible to reopen a closed account, but you wont likely transfer whatever balance you had, and starting from scratch again so it can feel like a much riskier investment the second time around if it ultimately failed the first time
Friendships are hard sometimes, but it’s maths, not magic! Ok, maybe it’s a little of both?! Hope so, because friendships are magical if you invest in the right people!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
My close friends will happily tell you how I live by our budget. I have a spreadsheet, multiple actually and I spend hours on it, carefully doing the numbers to see how a purchase today will impact us in a year from now, or alternatively the benefits of cutting back in one column to another and vice versa. Naturally, the first step is finding an income source, and then working the budget to maximise your potential. This is possible if you earn more or less, as long as your income source is rich enough to cover your minimum living expenses and needs. I like to think of friendships in the same way.
Some of us are lucky enough that we have some form of inbuilt government support pensions from the get go. In terms of friendships this may be a neighbour you grew up with, your mother’s best friend’s kid or old school mates. The friends you made before you even realised that making friends was a thing and actually not an easy thing! Those of us lucky enough to still have these connections into adulthood are definitely going to have a healthier budget in the black than those without. If you are starting from scratch, seeing your numbers in the red can add a sense of pressure to finding those base core friendships.
For some this pressure will be more helpful than for others, however, making friends as an adult can be daunting and difficult either way. However all is not lost. Your friendship budget starts with you and with the qualities you feel make a friendship a healthy, strong and rewarding one. So that is where you begin! Make a mental list of those qualities and practice what you preach! Everybody will have a slightly different list depending on lifestyles and values.
One person might value lots of time and attention, another person may value independence and low maintenance. One person may find it important to share hobbies and activities whereas another may think it is more important to share values or circumstances. For some people their list varies depending on the friend in question and they might have multiple spreadsheets to manage too!
Once you have your list, or lists, as the case may be, in mind, you can start looking around your world for people who might meet those criteria, and finding ways to grow your friendship with them outside of whatever context you already know them. If shared values are important to you, then extending an invitation to a coffee after church might be your avenue, whereas if shared interests are more your thing, inviting someone over to watch the game on the weekend might be a better option. If you’re like me, and you like to really talk to people and connect with them, the best way to go about this is to actually open up a little and share something of yourself that is a little deeper to let that person get to know you and see if they are interested enough to follow up with more support, conversation or questions, or if they also share something more personal in return.
Once you have your base group, I recommend a circle of around 5 people, but the number is ultimately up to you, (you’ll know when you feel fulfilled enough to stop searching for new friends) it is time to invest in the friendship. That means assessing your life and seeing how much effort you could potentially put into your friendships and what rewards you may reap from that investment. Initially this is a mental challenge for your eyes only. This is paper, not practice, yet.
Look at your life, your responsibilities, your time and how you spend it. If you spend hours scrolling on your phone each day anyway, then you might like someone who is messaging you while you do so. If however you can’t be on your phone the majority of the day except your time off on the weekends, then a friend who is equally busy during the week, but loves to catch up for a drink or whatever on the weekend is a good match. Now, for arguments sake, let’s pretend you only make one new friend and you decide you’re going to make them your priority every weekend, all weekend. Will the benefits and risks of doing that balance? You might love the idea or hate it, but will it burn you out? In which case the rewards are not great enough for that level of investment. On the other hand, if you love the idea, is the risk too high that this person may change circumstances and leave you high and dry? If so, the risk is too big for that level of investment. Is this making sense? You need to assess how much time, energy and effort you are willing to invest to achieve the level of satisfaction you desire. No more, and no less. Maybe we would all like a friend who requires nothing from us, however gives us everything we need when we need it and quietly disappears when we don’t without issue. Sadly that is not the way friendships work. You will get back what you put in just like everything else. Increased effort equals increased income! If you invest in the right people that is!
How much do you have to give in return for what you hope to receive? Tune in next week for the tips on how to manage your buddy budget to get the best results!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Happy New Year Friends! This year I want to remain open to newer connections for friendship. Now that the kids are gaining more independence, and I have left the workforce, my opportunity for meeting new people is getting smaller or harder to stumble upon less purposefully. However, a few months back, a fellow blogger, Claire from www.datingsidekick.com reached out and shared an article of hers with me about Stashing. (Click the link to read it, it’s awesome and relatable.)
Stashing is another recent dating phenomenon, closely related to ghosting, gas lighting and orbiting etc….. It is kind of like an affair I suppose, in that it appears you are essentially a hidden aspect of their life. Nobody who knows them would know you exist, there is almost no trace of you at all in their life…. While this is uncommon in platonic pairings, it isn’t completely unheard of.
Essentially, there are only 2 real reasons I can think of, romantically or platonically that would explain the situation…. Either there would be negative consequences for one or both of you should your friendship be discovered, such as strict workplace rules around dating colleagues, or forbidden matches such as doctors and patients becoming too personal and causing a blurred boundary. It might be something less formal but equally discouraged like 2 employees of rival companies for example. The less attractive reason would be that one or both of you is ashamed of the other. They do not feel like the people in their lives would accept you. Maybe shame isn’t always the right word for it. Say you are of a particular race or religion and one’s usual circle tends to be discriminatory against whatever category you fall into, it wouldn’t fit to say that they are ashamed of you exactly, but true none the less that it may feel true even if it isn’t quite accurate from their perspective.
I can’t say I encourage these pairings, it is damaging and triggering to the person being hidden. Added to which if you are doing something you cannot be open and honest about, that is usually a pretty good indicator that you shouldn’t be doing it, or that you should at least respect that person enough to show them that you do own it! Whatever IT is.
For further signs, reasons or possible explanations, do refer to Claire’s post. I don’t think either of us need to tell you what to do about it, but Claire basically said it in her post and I will say it again here….. You teach people how to treat you. You cannot continue to allow this behaviour if you want it to stop. You deserve better. And all the other stuff Claire says!
I don’t need to write a huge piece about it, because Claire has already covered that. What I did want to add is that I can understand that this secrecy adds an illusion of greater intimacy. You are sharing a naughty secret, and overlooking that the secret is you! (Or someone you profess to care for.) The forbidden fruit is not a new concept, and although it is less common in friendships than relationships it is still easy to get caught up in, particularly if you have low self-esteem.
Friends are meant to be the people who lift you up, who cheer you on, who are proud of you even if you are different, loud or embarrassing. That does not mean you have to be actively involved in their life in all the ways. As a friend, you may not always meet the family or work colleagues. Although the longer you are friends the more likely it is that these things will naturally happen anyway. You may not always connect on social media, for whatever reason. But if someone never wants to go out in public with you, or constantly makes excuses as to why you have to be isolated in their world and doesn’t want to integrate you into any part of their lives even if they are happy to take up space in yours, then Claire is right. You’re being used.
And that is just as rampant in friendships as relationships…. Maybe even more so! It is not ok. If your feelings tell you that you are being used, regardless of how much your head tries to talk you out of believing it or how much the other person denies this, trust your gut!
From the awesome Facebook page of Melanie Tonia Evans at https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/
Anyway, the point of this post wasn’t stashing, it was making new friends. So although I was hesitant and a bit slack in offering Claire the support she requested, this is part of my new year’s resolution to make new friends, and be open to new connections the universe brings my way. In her communication to me, Claire seemed like a genuinely funny and warm person, and I really enjoyed hearing from her. (I admit she had to pester me a bit to make this happen!) Sorry about that Claire. If you like this post, I hope you will reciprocate the sentiment and write a post directing your awesome readers to my posts too. But more than that, I would love to hear from you again.
Maybe we can help each other, or maybe not, but the offering of friendship is there regardless! Thanks for getting in touch and I wish you great success!
This year, I will join a friendship swiping app, reach out to more people online, perhaps take a class or join a hobby group and whatever other ways I can think of and report back on the success or failure of these pursuits to make new friends. I might even go back to the café where I met a delightfully charming older gentleman writing a movie. Keeping an open mind will be key!
What are your resolutions this year? To be fair, even without them, surely this year has to be better than the last? Out with the old and in with the new! Ok, bad advice for friendships but 2020 was truly toxic!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
image from https://joygoesnatural.tumblr.com/page/3
Merry Christmas Loyal Readers!
If any of you took time out today to visit my blog I am rewarding you with these funny sweet and salty memes to screenshot and send your friends today to spread the love and cheer!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Keeping in line with this years theme of bringing the focus away from gifting, here are some top suggestions of things to write in your friends Christmas cards. Touching, meaningful, honest and even funny ideas to make your friends heart smile this year.
1. Your favourite memory of your friend.
Example “Merry Christmas my friend. We have made so many happy memories over the years. My favourite one was that time we stayed up all night binge watching Disney movies in preparation for the quiz night that we were then too tired to attend the next night! I can’t wait to spend more time making more memories together next year!”
2. Your favourite things about your friend or your friendship.
Example: “Merry Christmas Emily! Thank you for being the most loyal, generous, caring and understanding friend. You always manage to find the time for us and my life is better because you are in it. Our friendship is the gift that keeps on giving!”
3. Something meaningful to your friend.
Example: “Moira, I know Christmas will be a difficult time for you this year. You have showed such strength and grace throughout this difficult time and I am so proud of how you have handled yourself. I’m deeply sorry this was such a hard year for you and I will be right beside you next year helping to make it as good as I can.”
4. An inside joke.
Example: “Merry Christmas to Santa’s naughtiest nurse! I will never look at a nurse again without thinking of you and smiling. You give new meaning to the term high blood pressure! Look forward to seeing who else’s you raise in the new year! Cheers.”
5. Something sentimental
Example: “Mary, your support this year has really meant more to me than you know. I am so grateful for your friendship. You always know when to let me cry and how to make me laugh. You hear things I didn’t say while listening attentively to what I do. It never matters if we are on a night out or a night in, time is never wasted when it is spent with you. There are no magic words to accurately describe my love for you, but I never want to imagine my life without you in it. Love from Me xx”
6. Something Generic
Example: “Merry Christmas Jane. Here’s hoping this Christmas is full of love and laughter and you find exactly what you dreamed of under your tree this year. Wishing you all the best for the New Year and beyond!”
7. A bridge sentiment
Example: “Hey Stranger! Merry Christmas. Sorry we didn’t spend as much time together this year as I would have liked. I have really missed you and hope we use the new year to really reconnect. My life hasn’t been the same without you. Please keep in touch, I look forward to hearing from you always. Hope we can get together early in the new year and start as we plan to continue!”
8. An apology
Example: “Dear Claire. As Christmas rolls around this year I have taken a moment to reflect, and I owe you an apology. I was wrong and I am deeply sorry. I hope you will forgive me, because I would hate to start a new year without you in my life. Reconciling with you would be the best gift I could hope for this year, but if you are not ready yet, please accept my apology as a sincere gift, and know I am wishing you well. Hoping to hear from you. “
9. Something Sarcastic and Funny
Example “Merry Christmas to a friend who is so expensive I nearly can’t afford her, yet somehow makes my life richer just by being in it. You’re worth your weight in gold, so keep Seasons EATING! You are one of my favourite people ‘HO HO HO!’ From your friend who is so cheap, Santa leaves me batteries under the tree with a note saying “When I think of you I touch my Elf!” The only thing I am not too stingy to give you is the time of day! Wishing us both a truly Naughty New Year so we can save Santa the trip next year!”
10 Want to be more than friends? (At your own risk? Are you brave enough? haha)
Example “Christmas is that time of year when, wishes and miracles come true. My love for you has grown so much this year, I must confess that all I want for Christmas is you! If you feel the same way, meet me under the mistletoe and make my dreams come true. If you don’t feel the same way meet me by the camera, we can take a friendly snap and, pretend this never happened!”
Whatever it is that you feel in your heart for your friend, let them know. Words are powerful, so use them purposefully and purposely! Spread the cheer this Christmas by sending sweet nothings to whisper in someone’s ear!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
This is the second installation of a post I started last week about friendships being like money, hard to make and harder to keep! Click here to read it. (or scroll down and then back up if I forget to update the link! haha) The gist of part one is to assess how much you have to give, how much time and effort do you have to invest and does that match with how much you expect to gain in return. Assess how much you are willing to give in return for minimum level of return. Find the balance before you over or under invest. Be conscious of this decision and how it will impact your friendships, not to mention take time to reflect on how it already has until now!
In order to stay in the black, to watch your numbers getting bigger and healthier, you need to commit to investing some time and attention each “pay cycle” as it were consistently. $20 a week for a year is over $1000. Invest ten and the reward is only half. Invest 20 for only half the time and the reward is only half. The key is not over investing. Commit to something you can manage even on your lowest pay weeks, and you will see the benefits slowly growing over time.
The more time that goes on, the more flexible you can be. You can afford to take a week off here and there longer term, because by the time trust and security have been developed you will have the benefits of compound interest on your side adding to your rewards even when you didn’t invest as much. Alternatively withdrawals, (financially, or emotionally) will cost you and eat away at some of those rewards and that is your reminder to recommit and reinvest.
Should that happen, it is ok to reassess how much you are investing. Initially maybe you could only invest $5 but you earn more now and can invest $20. That will top it back up much faster. Alternatively maybe initially you could commit to $20 but not anymore. Lowering the investment might slow the growth of the friendship, however it shouldn’t stall as long as that consistency is there.
When I talk about your money in this article I mean time, and effort. How much can you offer someone in terms of reaching out to them, caring about their problems, offering support, thinking about what you can do for them and enjoying their company? You don’t have to move in with someone to be rewarded, you just need to be consistent. They need to know what to expect from you as a minimum base line. That does not mean you may not offer more at times and less at times, however you cannot offer all your time and attention when it suits you then none when it does not. That is inconsistent. You need to be prepared to make some effort, to see or talk to that person in some way that is meaningful to them and to your friendship on a consistent basis.
Each friendship is different and over the years things change. A longstanding one may have matured to a point that a check in every 3 months is enough to keep it flourishing, whereas a new friendship needs more to get off the ground. A friendship that was always lighter may get heavier and need more or alternatively it may lose weight and need less. As long as you are still reaping rewards, you are doing ok. You will know when you are no longer reaping the rewards, trust me, you’ll feel it. At that point it is time to assess your investment versus theirs, and match theirs or see if you can find ways to get them to invest a little more.
This could be as simple as saying “I miss you, can we spend a little more time together?” Or it could mean assessing the time you do spend and how it is valuable to them, to try and improve their reward from you, to encourage a higher investment. This could be for example reflecting that you have spoken more than you have listened and correcting that by reaching out to ask questions. Or it might mean thinking of something your friend might enjoy doing that you could share together, or even thinking of their circumstance and how you could be helpful to them.
Spreadsheets have debit and credit and totals columns for a reason, because one impacts the other. It is the same with friendships. We can’t get too bogged down in what we have coming in if the problem might be what we are not giving out in return? Spreadsheets balance. Friendships need that too. Even when it is hard, it is worth it long term.
Invest time and energy into your friendships consistently for the best results and watch time grow your connection! Stop investing and you will stop getting benefits, it really is that simple so make time for your friends’ people! You won’t regret it!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Usually this is the time of year that people search for the perfect gift to give a special friend. I have written a few posts on the topic over the years, and if gifting is a love language you share with your friend, I suggest you check out the other articles here and here and here.
However, this year I wanted to take the focus off the presents and instead offer ways you can show up for your friends this year. I know Christmas is that special busy time of year specially and almost specifically designed for family, and I support that tradition on the actual day. By all means, if you know someone likely to be alone this year and you are in a position to offer them a place at your table, then do so! The invite will hold significance even if the offer isn’t accepted.
However, if that isn’t a practical option for you, I still think it’s a good idea to share in the festivities with your friends. That might mean planning a group get together (if permitted in your part of the world) and instead of a secret santa, each person writes their favourite thing about the other participants to be read out anonymously as pulled out of a hat throughout the gathering? (Instructions on the Secret Santa Compliments Jar Here)
It could mean setting aside time to have a decent phone call with each friend and letting them know that connecting with them was the only gift you needed and committing to your connection. It could mean making up a meaningful pic collage of each friend and your memories together, with the caption “Merry Christmas, your friendship is a gift that I treasure” that you make a point to send to them on Christmas day, no matter how busy you are with everything else.
It could mean, where possible, showing up the week before and helping each other wrap the gifts, prepare the foods which can be prepared in advance, picking up things you know a friend needs at the shops for them or writing them a meaningful letter to open on Christmas eve.
All it takes is a little foresight into what it is your friend wants or needs from you. Sure it is easy to remember that one friend likes elephants or another likes candles, and simply buy one and move along. But will one more candle be as meaningful as helping someone not to burn the candle at both ends by showing up in more practical ways and relieving the stress? Or by showing up in more sentimental ways without adding to the clutter? Even showing up in sweet ways without adding to the waist line?! Lol
For me, for example it has meant knowing that one friend really wants the perfect matching magazine worthy spread. I am no chef, however I could help her by mentioning that great gold wrapping paper or napkins that would match her theme well, or sending ideas on practical easy tips to achieve the look for less. For another friend it means making time to share a meal she has lovingly prepared, because cooking for people is one of the ways that she expresses her love for you. It means truly enjoying the food, offering genuine compliments, and appreciating her efforts.
For a different friend it meant helping her put up her tree, because she never finds the time and making a night of it by watching her favourite Christmas movie and helping her wrap all her gifts to place under her tree. Whereas another friend needed help with ideas on what to get people, someone to go shopping with and tick things off the list, and someone to help her carry all the bags! For someone else it meant babysitting her kid, taking him shopping to select a gift so he had something to give her on Christmas morning, and helping her older child with the DIY gingerbread house she wanted to use as the centrepiece this year.
For a single friend who was facing a hard year alone this year, it will mean remembering to make time to message her in the morning with greetings, checking in at lunch time to see how her day is going and express I hope it is going well and she is ok, and after the kids are in bed, phoning her to share our day and make sure she doesn’t feel disconnected, forgotten or not cared about.
As long as you know your friends and how to be present for them, you shouldn’t need to buy them a present. Your help, support, love, time and attention should be enough to leave their hearts filled. That is the true spirit of Christmas, giving is a gift! So give what you can, and you might find even the grinchiest friend starting to show a little twinkle in their eye.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
I have posted in the past about how having children changes your friendships and that new mothers are most in need of new friends. Surely if that is the case, our childless counterparts have the better end of the deal, with plenty of time to socialise and prioritise friendships, they should be fine right? Well, I can’t speak from personal experience on this one, but I have it on pretty good authority that actually the opposite is true and choosing to be childless can be just as limiting or life changing as choosing to have kids.
As I was as guilty as the next person for assuming childless people had all the perks of life and not many of the responsibilities, I was as surprised as you may be to hear that their childlessness is nearly as limiting as our children are to our own social lives! How can this be, I pondered! Well, the answer is pretty simple really. Our children limit them!! Seems crazy doesn’t it? But stay with me.
When you decide not to have children, which is a totally valid choice by the way, the idea is that you can indeed continue to enjoy your freedoms, have late night dinners, impromptu weekends away and spend endless hours drinking and having parties with your mates…. The first one is almost true, I suppose, if it weren’t for the fact that you always seem to be babysitting someone else’s child. Travelling you could still do, if you have the annual leave, funds and there doesn’t happen to be a worldwide pandemic happening! But partying with your friends? What friends?
The dilemma facing most childless people in their mid 30’s and beyond is that the choice to remain childless isn’t a popular one. Not only do these people suffer judgement from people who claim to be their friends, and who endlessly harass them to come to the dark side, they also eventually do procreate. Most of them, and the change is almost immediate.
“It’s like pregnancy is contagious! Once someone in your circle becomes pregnant, all of a sudden more and more start joining in! Before you know it, everyone but you is sharing this profound experience together that you just aren’t included in because you can’t relate.” One of my childless friends tells me during a conversation about the pregnancy epidemic in her circle. “Straight away, everyone is too tired to come out, nobody can drink, everyone is on a strict meal plan and nobody has any money to play with anymore. It is both really isolating and really limiting” she continues.
And I see her point. While the rest of her friends are happily at home, isolating themselves and nesting, they are left on the sidelines isolated not by choice but by lack of options. Their social group has almost instantly dissipated and they are left with more free time than they care to fill. And it only continues to get worse for approximately the next 25 years or so until the youngest ones are grown. By then those friends tend to have moved on to connections they made through the children over the years. Childless people don’t have those same opportunities for easy new connections.
It is frowned upon socially for them to host “child free” events. The reason they prefer no children is because their home is not child proof, being that they do not intend to have children. However this causes upset and offense and most people decline invitations. It is also not acceptable to say they prefer to meet or socialise with other childless folk. I wonder why this is, when really, it’s just as logical as new parents coming together to bond over the experience of parenthood… shared experiences and having things in common does make connections grow. Not to mention convenience and schedules tend to match better too.
There are apps for mothers to meet other mothers, and there are friendship apps too, however my friend was quite stunned by this sudden change. She didn’t want to take to apps to meet new friends, she had friends, she thought…. And even when she did have a little look, there weren’t many people seeking childless friends. Again that was a taboo. She didn’t feel she could write that they specifically wanted childless friends who were not ever going to deviate from that plan! It made them seem like child hating monsters!
It’s not that my friend hates children, she just doesn’t want to socialise with them. She willingly babysits and actually loves children, but came from a large family and spent her childhood helping her mother raise her siblings, so she knows first hand the limitations and responsibility involved, and enjoys her freedom too much to give that up. Which is perfectly reasonable!
But it also means that when she is babysitting, she is still not on the invite list for the social event! In many cases the parents are actually off enjoying their limited nights off with their new parent friends, which makes my friend feel particularly overlooked and sad. The very choice she thought would encourage her friendships ultimately still left her struggling.
So what is the answer? We must not forget our childless friends. We must make effort to see them without the children just as often as they make effort to see us with them! I think that is fair. For every lunch you host including them and the kids at your house, you should be prepared to step out of your own comfort zone and try to attend one of their child free dinners. It certainly takes much patience and understanding from both sides. Understanding that people with kids can’t stay out all night drinking because they have to be up, sober and not hung over to parent again at 5am. But maybe you can get there early instead and enjoy canapes and a champagne or 2 and not talk about children for at least an hour!
Compromise, is key to any situation and thinking about the circumstances and perspectives of each other. As I said recently, it’s not a matter of right and wrong, each person is valid, as is their experience, so focus on what you can do for each other and not what you can’t?
Build bridges, not walls….
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
COMPROMISE People! Balance. Respect. Understanding. Patience.
Some parts of the world are gearing up to celebrate Thanksgiving. In the USA, Brazil, Liberia and other places this holiday falls on the 26th November, whereas our friends over in Canada already celebrated this back on the 12th October this year. Other countries, such as Germany and Japan also celebrate similar holidays around a similar time of year. In line with that, although Australia doesn’t technically celebrate, I thought it was a good excuse to write a post about all the benefits of friendships and reasons to be grateful for them… not that I need an excuse!
1. Friendships provide a safe place to be your completely unfiltered true self. This allows us to melt and vent some of the stress away and usually also includes some sort of refreshing beverage too!
2. Friendships offer a heart-warming sense of acceptance, connection, comradery and belonging. Because friendship is a voluntary relationship there is something so special about being “chosen.”
3. Friends are fun! Sometimes we all get bogged down in the day to day of work, responsibilities, domestic and caring duties, that we forget to prioritise the things we want to do and the people we want to spend more time with! 9 times out of 10 these people are our friends because we have the most fun with them. Doesn’t matter if you are on a night out or a night in, sharing an activity or a meal or just talking, chances are you will be smiling more than normal!
4. Friendships expose us to new ideas, concepts, opinions, cultures and beliefs. They encourage our personal development, to challenge ourselves and to grow beyond our comfort zone. They help shape the people we choose to become as we develop a separate individual identity outside of our family and upbringing.
5. Many studies have proven a link between the amount of friendships we have and overall life span. Friendships have so many health benefits, physically, mentally and emotionally they could be our literal life lines!
6. Friends can motivate us through their own successes and similarly we can learn vicariously from each-others mistakes too. If you think of life like one of those choose an ending story books, friends are the people who take a separate path to yours, and tell you how it worked out for them and if they recommend it for you.
7. Feeling included instead of isolated. Feeling validated instead of unseen or unheard or misunderstood. Feeling cared about, important and liked. These feelings improve our self esteem and encourage our self-worth. They help give us the confidence we need to make decisions and friendships also offer the security and support to know we can deal with any negative consequences of those decisions.
8. Friends can be useful! Two heads are better than one, as are four hands better than 2! Need help baking 100 cupcakes for the school bake sale tomorrow? How about help moving house? Friends often provide this practical or mental support to solve our problems for no other reason that they care and they can. They want to help us, and often make the task at hand much more enjoyable or at least less stressful at the same time.
9. Friends make life more interesting. We experience life through them as much as we experience it firsthand. We hear tales of travels and other careers. We learn interesting facts, meet interesting new people and experience new foods, activities and traditions through them. The mental stimulation they provide helps keep our brains sharper and our empathy stronger.
10. Friends bring out the best in us, and make us overall better people. Remember that the key to having great friends is being a great friend! Great friends are hard to come by, so hold on to the ones you have and tell them they are what you are grateful for this thanks giving, wherever you are from and whatever you believe or celebrate. You don’t need a reason!
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating this year. I am grateful for you reading this blog! Thanks!!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
