Phubbing!

Last week I wrote a heartfelt post about a close friend and my feelings over her eventual path into motherhood. At the end of the post I made a joke about the time and attention that she currently offers, that I share with her phone!!! Haha Well, just after I wrote it, I came across this article on “Psychology Today” dated 28th June 2019, titled “Do You Phub The People You Love?”

Initially it caught my attention because I did not know what ‘Phubbing’ actually is, so I wanted to know if I do phub the people I love! Haha In the “Google Dictionary” from Oxford Languages, Phubbing is listed as “the practice of ignoring one's companion or companions in order to pay attention to one's phone or other mobile device.”

Guilty as charged…… sometimes anyway. I would be downright lying if I said I never did this. Just the other day while I was out with my lovely mum, we arrived at our destination and she sat there silently for 5 minutes while I sent a message to a friend. Then after an altercation with the staff at our destination, I sat for another 10 minutes composing an email of complaint to the company involved. So I definitely am guilty of this sometimes.

However, I do like to think I do not do this to excess and I do try to be present with the people in my company most of the time. (I admit it gets greyer when the people in my company are the people with whom I live… to be honest we all do this to each other probably far too often. However when home is your downtime place, it can be hard to set those limits as to when it is connection time and when we each need that time to zone out from one another.) Back to my point, specifically with friends.

Friends are the people with whom I have chosen to spend my precious time, and who have equally chosen to spend that time with me. While I will admit to checking my notifications briefly, when in the company of friends I try to only respond when it is important and ignore the rest until later. Because I know how it feels to be phubbed on a regular basis, and I admit it phRubs me up the wrong way. So much so that I have spoken to my psychologist about it.

My psychologist; the one I will never tire of telling you drives the BMW, haha, tells me it is ok for me to ask my friends to put down their phone and be present with me. I have at least one friend who holds this expectation of me, so she serves as an example that this can be achieved. I guess I just feel sad that I should have to ask, and reluctant to embrace this technology ban knowing I too at times need to access my phone in the company of a friend.

Now if we go back to my earlier example of time with my mum, I explained to her that I was responding to an important message from a friend, and shared with her the circumstance of why it was important, so she understood and felt more actively involved in the experience. Later on she knew I was emailing a complaint and she was in support of that action. However, the friend in question from last week’s blog knows this is an issue for me, and she does not stop, perhaps despite her best efforts.

What bothers me most, is that she usually is not responding to something urgent. As a matter of fact, she is usually not responding to anything or anyone, at all. Her faux pas is usually playing games on her phone. She does this while we watch movies in the cinema (if she is awake!) She also does this while we sit and chat at my house. She does this at the nail salon, even if she only has one available hand!!! Now, I am fairly sure this particular friend has ADHD, undiagnosed, and therefore cannot seem to control this impulse to do something with her hands. I try to be understanding of this, and to her credit, she does seem to remember things I have said when she was seemingly distracted.

But what I do know, is, for example, this friend has found herself somewhat excluded from a group friendship, in large part due to the fact that she does not wish to participate in the incessant daily chats and messages from the group in question, claiming she cannot be tied to her phone all day. And I also know at least one member of the group has made comment about her constant use of the phone and made comments that hurt my friend when it was discovered she was playing games in the company of the group.

What perhaps she doesn’t realise, is that her friend making the comment was also hurt that rather than engaging actively, my friend was choosing to be on her phone. I actually think that is part of the reason my friend was more drawn to group settings than I am…. Because she felt it was more acceptable to phib a large group, when everyone had others to interact with instead of her. Kind of a way to feel included, without actually needing to be present. I guess she was wrong.

On the face of things, it really is insulting to disengage from conversation – in person, or particularly online, and claim you cannot be tied to your phone all day when we all know you never put the damned thing down! Lol

However, when I speak to my friend about it, she explains that in her job she is needed to engage all day with people, after work hours she is still expected to be on the job mentally with emails and tasks coming through, and often she is scrolling new ideas to bring to work. When you take into account her career is of upmost importance to her, it makes sense. Added to that, with the aforementioned ADHD, she is often online shopping, planning trips with the family, booking dogs into daycare, buying and selling things on community webpages and looking up new recipes. Her mind just does not stop.

Therefore, the games help her distract herself from a busy mind, so that she can focus more on what is being said around her. Because they are kind of mindless, and yet still feed that need to not be still. Being still means sleeping, and she will often even use her phone for that too, playing whale sounds, or watching videos, to allow her brain to fully turn off. Without a diagnosis and medication, I do not forsee this problem resolving itself.

So I have learned to deal with the Phubbing, to accept it and know at times I am just as guilty. And sometimes it does mean I am more engaged in the screen than the person I am with, Maybe that is a heads up to them to be more interesting?! Haha (That was a joke y’all, relax! Haha) Sometimes we make plans and we see those plans through, but when we made them we didn’t know we would start dating someone between now and then and it would be too intoxicating to ignore. Or that our aunt would be having a crisis etc…..

I think we all need to accept phubbing is here to stay along with the technology that brings it, however we all need to be both accountable and aware, as well as forgiving, and understanding. If the phone is someone’s coping mechanism, then maybe it is ok to pull yours out too? If you can’t beat em, join em? Haha I am off to play spot the difference! Lol Catch you next week!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What to expect when your best friend is expecting?

Last week I wrote about all the ways you can expect your friendship to change when your friend is pregnant and you aren’t. This week I wanted to follow up with a more personal recount from someone who isn’t expecting, but someone who was once and who has been there. The benefit of my experience may help you as I hope it helps me now… I was the first among my group of friends at the time to get pregnant and have a baby. While it was an exciting time, being the first one was tough. Nobody really knew what I was going through. None of them really understood or related. They were all still living life as it was while I was taking a path unknown to us all.

Of course, they were behind me all the way. Trying to stay beside me on my path while their own verged off in different directions. Some weren’t too far behind, and I got to be the friend that they could relate to, while others were happier to travel the world and not settle down as such. But as much as they tried, motherhood took me into a whole new life I was relatively unprepared for… and a whole new world filled with all new things.

While those friends still wanted to talk about dating and weekend plans, all I had to contribute was the latest poop or feeding schedule. If I did manage a social outing it was a movie at mums and bubs, which let us feel like we were still people with lives, although we were all too busy with babies to see any of the actual film. It isn’t a surprise looking back that many of my pre-baby friendships didn’t last the distance.

Yes, I used this twice (once last week and again this week) on purpose to show how it is applicable both ways.

Now I am blessed with a pre-teen and a teenager, and finally am enjoying friendships, a more active social life to an extent, and the kids are old enough to stay up late enough to attend parties, if we have to bring them. Social freedom tastes sweet. Many of my closest friends at this stage are in the same position, and the excitement about the light at the end of the tunnel is palpable amongst us all.

However, along the way, I have become close in particular with a single childless woman. This woman has helped me raise my children and been there for me in the trudges of motherhood in unexpected ways. She is a natural mother, mothering me, my children, her nieces and nephews, the children in her field of work and her fur babies. However, as chance would have it, she has not been blessed with children of her own, and she longs for one. My heart honestly aches for her. It is in the essence of her being, she was born to be a mother, and yet, her journey has not taken her down that path. It is not a lie to say I want more than anything for my friend to fulfil her dreams and become a mother.

However, I can’t lie, I have wondered how it will impact our friendship when she does become a mother. Even thinking about it is tinged with a sadness for me. I will miss her. That is not to say that I won’t support her. I will, of course I will. I owe her that much. She has helped me and been there for me with my children and I hope to love her children just a fiercely and actively. However, just as I walked a different path from my friends at the beginning of my pregnancy journey, she will walk a different path to mine. Her world will be filled with new mothers and baby movies, while I am talking of travelling and date nights!

She will no longer be available for our comedy nights or escape rooms or shopping trips. No longer will she come here and help the children with homework while I prepare dinner or casually stop by after work. She will need me to be the one going to her. Listening to her talk about poop and feeding and sleep. Helping her with the baby so she can tend to the endless washing. Wrangling the dogs so she can manage the pram. Showing up at her house with coffee so she can sleep through our girl’s night in, face mask and all.

And I have to admit, already I mourn the life we have now, although we still have it. In many ways I want it to end because it is at her expense if it doesn’t. I will not be happy if she is not happy and she will not be happy without a baby. Whether she will be happy with one, remains to be seen. Because I have been there, and I know it has some dark days. I am not filled with joy at the prospect of going through it all again, even if it is vicarious.

However, on the bright side, at the end of the day, the child, and most of the burden will be her own. I can feel the kicks on the outside, not on the inside. I can help for an evening and return to my freedom. I can support her knowing how hard it is, without assuming responsibility for that sacrifice. And I know her journey as a working mother will be so different to my own. In some ways harder, in many ways easier.

Our friendship will change, and I expect that change. That is what I expect. But the onus is going to be on me to still make her life happier and easier as she has done for me. The onus will be mine to make the connection meaningful and to be forgiving and understanding when she does not have the time and attention to give, or to wish her well as she ventures onto this new world and hope she finds me again when the smell of freedom finds her again in 10 years or so!

Meanwhile all I can really do is continue being as supportive as I can be, while making the most of the time I have left with her undivided time and attention, well, the time and attention I share with her phone that is…. Maybe it won’t be so different after all! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What to expect when your Bestie is expecting; and you’re not!

Last week we talked about new parents and tips for them to make new friends. But what about when your friend is on that journey without you?

You can expect this post to be long, and if you can’t be bothered reading it until the end, then you can expect that you might not be patient enough to make your friendship work!

So, your friend is expecting, and you are not…This subject can be a particularly delicate and dividing one. It is especially tender when you wish to be expecting but for whatever reason, you are not. The jealousy and resentment that results can be crippling, and it is a difficult situation to be in. If you are suffering this particular type of pain, I truly am sorry. Your pain is real and it is valid and it matters. It won’t be easy to stay good friends unless you really can be honest and empathetic towards one another. I hope you can.

However, this post isn’t about that. This post relates to the fear that some friends suffer when they learn a close friend is having a child, and how things will inevitably change. And they will change, which is why you need to know what to expect. I know, because I was the first among my group of friends to become pregnant, and more recently, I face the prospect of a close friend getting pregnant as my own children reach a much more independent stage of life.

Posts I have read on the subjects are heavy with emotion and typically not well received.  The person who is not having the child is generally labelled selfish and his or her fears about the friendship are minimized. They are said to be immature and unsupportive. If you are the friend who fears losing your bestie to his or her pending offspring, I feel you. Your pain is also real and it is also valid. And the bad news is that I can’t promise you that your friendship will last, sadly.

However, the good news is that it is up to you whether your friendship lasts the distance and how close you and your bestie remain. Because things are going to change, that much is certain…. So you are going to have to change right along with them… Some of these changes will be challenging, and will require you to start thinking much more about what you give than what you get in return.

So, what can you expect? You can expect that you will hear from your friend less, and when you do hear from them, most of what they have to say will be about the baby. They will be unlikely to be able to string a coherent sentence together, for a few reasons. The most obvious one is lack of sleep. Mix that with new brain chemistry and hormones, heightened anxiety and responsibility, not to mention the constant distraction and interruptions you are going to learn to expect, means that you might end up feeling a little invisible and frustrated.

It goes both ways!

Your friend still loves you, and they still care about your life. However, they hardly have time to focus on themselves and their own life, so you will need to be understanding that they cannot fill from an empty cup right now. This new being has become their life, and your friend is more disoriented by this change than you are, trust me! If you think you miss nights on the town and brunching because your hangover means you don’t rise until noon, you have no idea how much your friend misses those things too! The difference is that those things are still possible for you, albeit with different people, while for the foreseeable future, sleeping in past 6am is no longer a possibility for your new parent friends.

You can expect to swap talking for listening. You can expect to stay in rather than go out. You can expect to offer to make them tea, although you are the guest at their house. Bonus points for bringing the hot beverage with you. And food. You can expect nights in past bed time to include them falling asleep or catching up on housework, or any combination of both. You can expect to give much more than you receive.

You will be expected to bond with the baby. Even if your friend knows you don’t do babies and even if they acknowledge that you feel a little jealous and pushed out by them right now. You can’t beat the baby because it depends on them for life, and their life depends on it living, so what is it they say? If you can’t beat them; join them. The more invested and interested you can be in the baby, the closer you will be as a friend.

I know from experience how powerful it is to feel the bond with someone who bonds with your child. I also know from experience the hurt and disappointment a mother can feel when you don’t show the level of interest in her child as she hopes. So while you might be rolling your eyes inside and thinking “a talking human, alert the media” as they excitedly tell you all the new words in the child’s growing vocabulary, a better way to bond is to be excited by this change and make jokes about how you can now teach it hilariously inappropriate new words. (It is unwise to follow through on this though!) Similarly, you will be expected to fiercely care about any adversity the baby faces and do all you can to assist, no matter how inconvenient it is.

Which brings me to my next point. You can expect to be flexible. Leaving the house with a baby or child is not as simple as leaving the house as a child free adult. There is a multitude of packing and planning that has to go into it now, and much of the time it isn’t worth it to new parents. They feel more comfortable staying in the place that has all the things they need, because wow do small humans need a lot of things. So that translates loosely to the fact that while your friend would love to catch up with you for lunch, and it seemed like a good plan when they said yes, when the day arrives and the baby is extra fussy and didn’t sleep, chances are your friend is going to cancel.

This isn’t personal. But if the baby doesn’t sleep in the pram, and then they miss their naptime, your friend’s whole day maybe even days will be ruined, as the baby will be unsettled for a long period of time. It is really important that you expect and accept that none of this is about you. If your friend is ok with the idea – you can always be agreeable and offer to bring lunch to them. However they may also just want to catch up on much needed sleep. So unless you are prepared to watch the baby so they can do that, you might have to get used to the idea you wont see or hear from your friend much for a few years.

I know that can make it really hard to keep a connection alive. It can make the friendship seem really one sided and unrewarding. I hear you. Because it is. The good news is that this is temporary. Your friend will surface from this in a year or 2, maybe 5, when you account for siblings and the number of years before the child starts school. So, if you can think of it like an extended break, an overseas holiday for example, that perspective might help.

You can expect your friend won’t share the same hours as you anymore. If they take the first year off work for example, they will be available in the times you are at work. Then on weekends, chances are they will have extended family they want to share their baby with. This will mean you will be less of a priority. The reason for this tends to be because a mother, the child’s grandmother, for example, is generally more helpful, and equally invested in the baby as your friend. Visiting with them makes your friends life easier. Their parents probably don’t ask them for much conversation, but do tend to the baby so your friend can rest. Not to mention extended family and cousins that the baby may interact with.

You can expect both of you to make new friends. Your friend is experiencing a powerful life change, and it will be normal and important for her to bond with other people who share that experience, and as her life moves forward, their child will continue to bring new friendships into their life. So, you will have to learn to share what limited time is left. Naturally you will also gravitate towards people more available to your schedule too. This can bring about raw and heavy emotions in you both as each of you may feel insecure of these new connections. You can expect to trust and encourage each other in this new phase and feel secure that you will come back together again.

When I reflect on the friendships I have now that I still had before children, and I admit there are not many, the friends that lasted the distance kept showing up. No matter how distant I was or how disinteresting I was. They didn’t demand too much of me, and they showed up to my house consistently. If you keep showing up and finding ways to be part of your friend’s life, you can expect to stay friends.

Only you will know if it is worth showing up for. There is no right or wrong answer. I don’t blame the friends who walked away or drifted off when I didn’t have much to offer. But the ones who kept showing up earned a special spot in my heart. As did the new ones who started showing up. And when it was their turn, I kept showing up. I was flexible. I made allowances. I listened to boring baby talk, vented about parenting, bought cute gifts, remembered and followed up on occasions and appointments. I babysat while they slept, I brought food and did dishes. I tolerated long periods of space and flakiness and didn’t make it about me. And slowly over time, conversation started widening again, occasional nights out became more frequent, and play dates were a new regular.

What to expect when your friend is expecting? Expect to fit into their life so that you are not excluded from it. That choice is yours. It will not be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

7 ends for parents to make new friends

Last week I posted 8 ends to make new friends. This week I wanted to make a specific one for parents knowing their needs are somewhat more specific at this stage of life. That doesn’t mean someone who isn’t a parent couldn’t benefit from some of these ideas, or that someone who is a parents couldn’t benefit from last week’s post. If you are looking for ideas to make new friends, please read and heed both!

Parents group

If your baby is still in the early stages, before they are walking or talking or interacting with other babies, then parents’ group might be the way to go. Most parents get invited to these groups and all you have to do is show up. It is usually hosted in a community centre near a health nurse and the first few sessions might be facilitated as you make your introductions. Then the onus is on you to start making plans to keep on catching up out with the sessions. It may seem awkward at first, but before you know it, these are the people you turn to first as they are often first-time parents and just as isolated as you might feel. Their babies are generally the same age and stage too, which gives room for discussion that will grow and change as the children do.

Play group

If you missed out on parents’ group for some reason or if the friendships fizzled instead of sizzled, and your kid is not quite in school yet, playgroup is a wonderful community activity to get the kids out of your hair and to mess up a different space than your home for a change. With the added benefit that there are other mums there too helping with the setting up and clearing away. Sometimes busy hands make conversations easier, and as you wash the morning tea dishes you might find yourself comparing notes on dishwashers, home life and so much more. Before you know it, you could be grabbing lunch together before nap time.

Your kids’ friends’ parents

If you happen to be a parent of school aged kids, let them do the footwork for you. It is inevitable that they will want to spend time with friends outside of school, and as a result of this, you will probably at least meet their friends’ parent. This can be a great starting point for a friendship! You already have one very important thing in common in your children, however if you wish to stay friends, regardless of your children potentially growing up and growing apart, I recommend you expand your friendship beyond the kids. Start small by sharing a coffee when you drop off and pick up, working towards playdates in the park where you and they chat while the kids play. During this time, you should explore other topics of interest you could connect on, and when enough rapport has built, try a get together without the kids.

Friend of a friend

Sometimes you know two people who don’t know each other, but you think they should. So you introduce them, right? Similarly, if you let your friends know you are in the market for some new friends, they may be able to suggest someone they know who they think you would get along with well. All you have to do is to be brave enough to ask or to have that initial conversation and the stay open to any avenues that open up from there. Initially you at least both have a friend in common which means you both have excellent taste. What else you have in common you could ask your original friend, or bite the bullet and ask the new person. A gathering involving your common friend need only happen once then you are off to a flying start already – if you are brave enough to go it alone!

Online groups or forums

If your part of the world is still locked down and ravaged by the global pandemic, perhaps leaving the house for social activity isn’t safe for you right now. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t still find others to talk to and connect with. Now that we live in a digital world, the internet is your oyster. There are endless parent groups, offering suggestions of venues, comparing products, or forums with concerned parents sharing their woes…… Even if it isn’t parenting groups you seek, however obscure your hobby or passion, there will be a group for it on the internet. Whether you seek a therapy-based support group or a toe fetishist group, you’ll find likeminded people out there willing and waiting to welcome you. And the best part is that often the chances of meeting these people in real life is slim, so you can be exactly who you are without fear…. Or maybe who you want to be instead…

Public transport or the dog park or the local shop

I remember when I was young and I worked at the local supermarket. I had a few regular customers. As we chatted every week while I scanned up their shopping, I got to know them. One of them asked me to dog sit their dogs while they were away and another invited me to his school ball. All I had to do was to be friendly and interested and make connections with people based on us consistently being in the same place at the same time, even if it was for different reasons. I hear so many stories these days of paying it forward, kindness of strangers in shops etc…. quickly repaid with a coffee could spark a friendship based on kindness and a shared love of the same cleaning wipes!

On a cruise or other holiday.

Ok, this is far-fetched right now, and not within everyone’s reach… But personally, I love cruising and when it was still possible to cruise before the pandemic, my husband and I made a few friends on cruises. You are both in the same place for the same time, and free of schedules meaning it is easier to socialise and share meals and drinks and leisure time with people than it would be in everyday situations. Make the most of the holiday spirit and bring home friendships as well as memories and mementos. Cruises are especially good for parents as they offer the kids club meaning you can actually socialise child free while the kids have a great time playing together in fun supervised activities!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Eight Ends to make new friends

1. Work

Now we are getting into a situation where you may have nothing more in common on the surface than the fact that you each work for the same boss. That said, sometimes we spend so much time at work that we end up knowing these people just as well, if not better than our actual friends and family. The problem occurs because we spend so much time with these people already that we don’t think it is necessary to expand then beyond that capacity. Why would you want to see people you work with when it is family time and you see those people more than your family? Because you won’t always work together most likely, so if you like them, you must get used to seeing them outside of the office. You’d be surprised how much you might learn about them that just wasn’t obvious in the work setting.

2. Voluntary work

If you don’t have children or much of a social schedule, maybe animals are more your thing? Fantastic, why not contact your local shelter and see if they need any assistance? Most charities thrive and rely on the work of volunteers with passion, commitment and dedication to the cause. As a pleasant side effect, you will be working alongside others with a shared passion, helping one another for a good cause. And it wont matter if you are shovelling poop or cuddling cats, conversation is likely to expand to your own animals, lifestyles and stories. Before you know it, the animals are not the only company you look forward to.

3. Class of interest

Maybe your passion is art more than animals. And maybe there is less available charities for art, where you get to express yourself creatively. In which case some sort of creative class might be better for you. Before you know it, the instructor is asking you to find a partner, and you may have to study or rehearse or practise together outside of the class. You share a laugh; you share a passion and what in your life lead to that or when you knew you had some passion or talent. You share what your creations represent, and you feel seen heard and understood. You feel connected, friend.

4. Hobby group

If your passion happens to be knitting or scrapbooking and you don’t need a class because you know perfectly well how to do it, a community group might be best for you. The benefits can be sharing supplies, or sharing opinions if it happens to be a writer’s group or a book club. You soon learn how the lady down the road takes her coffee, and how the man around the corner walks over to keep his knees strong after his operation.  You share ideas or inspirations, or patterns or whatever it may be, and as you all enjoy your shared activity, what you enjoy just as much is sharing it with others. Maybe you bring cake this week for Joan’s birthday or invite them all to your own birthday celebrations. And just like that you have knitted a friendship as well as those baby booties.

5. Apps

You can’t quite be anything but what you are on the apps, or at least you shouldn’t be. That said, there are plenty of friendship finding apps these days for people of all ages and stages and backgrounds etc…. Just like dating you upload your picture and your interests and it shows you all the other people looking for friends. If you find someone you like you swipe right and if they swipe right on you too, then you will be able to chat to them privately rather than in a group setting like in a forum. This can make it easier at times to share more personal aspects of your life and connect with people on a more intimate and real level. You already know what each other looks like and have shared a few messages, then you can swap numbers and progress to phone calls, coffee etc… it is the new age version of pen pals I suppose.

6. Support group

If you happen to have been through a big life change or experience, or someone close to you has, it has the power to change your perceptions of the world. There is nothing quite like a shared experience like that to bring people together. These friendships can be the quiet silver lining of a shared cancer, or caring for a parent with dementia or experiencing an eating disorder. While the main aim of the groups is to get help for the situation you are in, much of the help comes from the support of kind strangers sharing the battle who become lifelong friends

7. At the salon/Bar

A friend asked me recently if my hair dresser was my friend. I didn’t quite know how to respond to the question. She was not my friend before she was my hairdresser and I still refer to her as that rather than as a friend. However, she is a friend on my social media and we do know almost everything there is to know about one another’s lives. It may be professionally frowned upon for us to associate outside of business, but I would be open to it in theory. If she weren’t much younger than me and in a different place in her life maybe I would suggest it. You certainly could! I bet you know lots about your hairdresser too? Seems to go with the business, being in everyone’s business! Haha I don’t hang out in bars much, but I hear it is a pretty similar vibe with locals and bar staff.

8. Cinema

On a few occasions at the cinema, I have been seated near someone who was visiting alone and struck up conversations with them. I have invited them to sit with us and whispered about the plot line. Before the film you learn what brought them to the cinema and what interested them about this film, and after you learn about where they are headed next and when they will be back. If it so happens you and your mother visit the same cinema every week on Thursday mornings for example, you could easily welcome that person to join you should you meet again, or offer to grab a coffee after the film to discuss the plot.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

People Pleasers – Friend or Foe?

A few of my friends are as flaky as pastry. They are consistently late, if they show up at all. They make lame excuses to get out of plans and often expose their own lies by mistake later when they forget what they lied about to get out of said plans in the future. Rolls eyes. They know I find this endlessly frustrating. Which, to be fair, only adds cause for them to lie in the first place I suppose. Because it is hard to be mad at someone if the cancelled plans is because their grandmother is sick, as opposed to they double booked themselves and would rather do the other thing than your thing.

But what these friends do have in common is that they are people pleasers. This makes them extremely popular because it means they are “yes” people. Yes, they would love to come to your kid’s recital, yes, they will be able to pick up their mother’s dry cleaning after work, and yes, they’d love to go camping with Tim on the same night as your kid’s recital.

For starters, while they are convincingly enthusiastic, they certainly could think of nothing more boring than said recital, they are resentful at their mother for not washing her own clothes if she can’t pick them up herself and they hate camping. You wouldn’t know this, because you believe their enthusiasm, but when you stop to think about it, it really makes sense. The problem is multifaceted.

My friend who is a people pleaser is a good friend. She helps when she can even when she doesn’t want to. We have a great time together when she shows up even if she is always late and we have a good balance of banter versus deeper comfortable conversation. For this reason, I decided to share with her what I had observed about her people pleasing ways.

I was surprised by the relief and rush of emotions that followed. Someone had seen not only her failure but her effort. She felt heard and validated and understood. She explained that she wants to be useful to people and is worried saying no will result in people leaving, although they always inevitably leave anyway. She was also open to hearing why people leave and could understand the effect this was having on herself and her relationships.

This particular friend has a heavy burden of serving her family. It leaves little time for much else. As these are the people least likely to abandon her, it seems unlikely to me that this pattern will change. As such, I had to ask myself how to be a better friend to my flaky friend. Which is funny isn’t it, but merited all the same.

I had already lowered my expectations. I accept that she will be late. I let it slide when she tells me white lies about her reasons for cancelling or being late. I know it will almost always be because her family asked her to do something, even if she tells me it was work because that sounds more important. Or if she tells me she napped all day and that is why she didn’t answer my message then later goes on to tell me about all the bargains she bought at the shops and the delicious pastry at the new bakehouse she tried. So, what more can I do?

I can make sure I don’t ask her for too much. I can make sure the things I do ask her for are not too important, so that when they are she knows the difference. I can be understanding of the fact that she often finds herself between a hard place and a rock, even when I am the rock. I can thank her for her efforts to be there at all even when she is not on time. I can offer to do some errands for her so that she is not so stressed and over scheduled. I can encourage her to say no to me and others and assure her it is ok to do nothing at all sometimes, all alone. I can let her make plans with me, and be flexible when they are more impromptu than I would prefer and accept that this is because she had to stay available to her family to the last second before making her own plans.

In return, she can acknowledge when she has let me down and trust than an apology will save not sever our bond. She can make more effort to be there and on time when I tell her it is important that she does. She can attempt to make plans with me instead of the other way around because she knows what she can manage. She can accept that I may not be available or willing to come impromptu because my own family expects me to be here if I have not told them in advance that I won’t be. She can come and hang out with us here instead.

But please come and join me there.

We often tend to assume flaky friends care the least, when maybe that is unjust. Maybe they care the most in theory, and that is what gets in the way of them showing it. It’s just that they care deeply about everyone and that creates conflict.  At the end of the day understanding and accepting our friends and their circumstance instead of demanding change or making assumptions goes a very long way. Certainly seeing why she is the way she is helped me. I hope it helps you and yours too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship Earrings, what a pair!

The week before last I talked about divorce and the impacts that life change can have on your friendships. It got me thinking of single people and how friendships can be a kind of pairing too. Because people like pairings, don’t they? There is comfort in being a part of a pair. Just like there is comfort in a well-worn pair of slippers on a cold night or your favourite pair of earrings on a much-needed night out! The analogy makes me smile as it reminds me of a friend who had a pair of friendship earrings with her bestie. They each wore one, meaning each were mismatched at their get togethers, however they were mismatched together! Cute idea. Could take off like the BFF charm!

Not for me though, I love earrings and I love them to match! Haha The bigger, brighter and more sparkly, the better. I wasn’t always like that though. As I reflected back on this passion, I found it was only when my son was quite young that I started changing the way I present myself and earrings became a statement piece. I remembered specifically a friend from my mothers’ group and her party for her daughter. She was so well presented. Actually, she was always well presented in her bright clothes and lovely hair. And she always wore the loveliest earrings.

At the risk of sounding all “single white female” I think in many ways I began to emulate this friend. I related to her as a bigger woman. I loved her welcoming nature, and her confidence. She wasn’t afraid to take up space in this world and watching her enabled me to emulate some of that and allow myself to stand out more too. It was uncomfortable at first. So, I started small. I started with earrings. Then brighter colours and matching shoes. Then better fitting clothing and tops as opposed to t-shirts and hoodies. In talking to her recently I thanked her for that positive influence she had on me, and the person I became as a result of that confidence.

And although it shouldn’t have surprised me, what she reflected back was less positive. That her partner at the time was abusive, and he held her to a high standard of dress. That she had felt less worthy, and now she valued a partner who loved her just as much in her hoodie as in her heels. It dawned on me during that conversation that I had fallen for the glitz and glam of her presentation. That I had made assumptions and compared myself negatively at the time. That the woman I was emulating was not the woman I thought she was.

The outcome for us both has been powerfully positive of course. That said, it highlights that we often make unfair comparisons between ourselves and our friends when we don’t actually know the full truth. Nobody knows what anybody’s life is really like behind closed doors or how happy anyone really is day to day. It is almost as if we have a bias to assume everyone else is much happier and better off than ourselves. We criticise our own reality instead of questioning the ones we see presented to us from others.

My mothers group friend and I grew closer over the years. I did not learn in that conversation that her ex was abusive and held her to a high standard. I knew those things already, although I did not know them when I began emulating her. What was interesting was that I thought she held the secret for feeling good about yourself, and I wanted in on it. Whereas she was looking at my life and thinking how lucky I was that my partner allowed me to wear a hoodie and eat as many slices of cake as I wanted without comment. How lucky I was that I could be myself.

Neither of us, at that particular time in our lives saw the truth of the other. That I desperately wanted to try harder but felt I was not permitted as a bigger woman. That she was trying desperately hard and it exhausted her never being good enough because she was a bigger woman. I don’t regret this emulation of my friend, and I am happy that she has found someone to love her as she is, even if it means I am the one who always wears lipstick these days not her. However, it shows that we could have maybe been more helpful to one another if we had each seen the pain behind the other’s smile. If we had of spent time asking questions instead of making assumptions.

Maybe we would have learned much sooner that each of us is just fine as we are, however we present and whatever size we are, regardless of how many slices of cake we eat! Oh, and how we love to eat cake!! Cheers big Ears… or should that be earrings. Your friendship changed me, changed my life and made me happier. However long it took us to learn our worth, I am grateful that we did, and we did it together. What a pair!! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

10 ways friendship is like riding a bike

1 You need training wheels at first

Think of school, you needed to be in the same place all the time with the same kids and you needed the teacher support to encourage you to speak to each other, share toys and resolve conflict.

2. You need practise

Just like riding a bike, it takes practise. You probably aren’t still best friends with your kindergarten bestie, and that is ok. With each new attempt it gets easier, and more fun. The more you practise the more naturally it comes and the more fun it is.

3. If you stop doing it for long enough, you aren’t sure if you still know how.

After you start driving a car, for example, you may stop riding your bike. You can easily forget how fun it was and how good it was for you. And if you don’t do it for long enough, you worry that you won’t be able to do it anymore. Same with friendships. When you get a full-time job and have kids etc… you can forget to make friendships a priority. Then it can feel overwhelming and daunting to try and make new friends and you aren’t sure you remember how to be a good friend.

4. If you hit a bump, it is scary.

You are riding along great, enjoying yourself and the scenery, then bump! The path gets unexpectedly wobbly and you rush to get to smoother terrain. You might avoid that path forever instead of trying to navigate it again no matter how much you enjoyed it before. Friendships are like that too, and it can be scary to have those conversations or navigate difficult terrain. Sometimes it is so scary that people walk away and don’t try harder.

5. If you fall off, it hurts.

Hopefully on a bike you were wearing adequate safety gear, but falling off still hurts. It can hurt so much that you don’t want to risk riding again. If you relate that to friendships that would mean not trusting any new friends because you got hurt by an old one.

6. It is fun and freeing, and they help you get where you’re going faster.

Riding a bike was your first taste of freedom and independence. Similarly, friends are the people with whom we find ourselves and our place in the world. They are the ones we try on new personalities with until we find one that fits, and the ones who we emulate.

7. You learn new tricks

After a while, you learn to do jumps, wheelies, ride with one hand or no hands and give people a ride on the handlebars. You get confident as you are having fun. Friends can be like this too. They encourage and support you and with them you learn and grow without even realising you are developing important skills to navigate life in the future.

8. They can be uncomfortable

We all question who designed that bike seat. It might be the least comfortable chair in history. But if you love riding, you get used to it. Friends can be like that too. They can make you uncomfortable as they challenge you to grow outside your comfort zone, but they are worth it so you kinda don’t mind or notice most of the time when they are being a pain in the butt!

9. You can outgrow them

Think of the bike you had when you were 4, and all the bikes you had in-between. I loved my banana seat 70’s style bike I had in primary school, but yet eagerly ditched it for the cooler bright pink mountain bike when I reached high school. Whether I wanted to ditch it or not, the fact was, I outgrew it. We outgrow friends too. They stay in our memories and our hearts, and they are still good for someone else.

10. As you get older, sometimes you ride them.

Ok, most of the time you don’t ride your friends and that is why they are friends not lovers. But as “it’s complicated” grows in popularity along side “friends with benefits” I had to throw that one in there at the end there. An ode to all the friends I rode, and the ones that rode me! Haha

Friendship too!

Separation… Does divorcing your spouse mean divorcing your couple friends too?

For the last few weeks I looked at opposite gender friendships, which got me thinking about couple friendships. As I have a few close friends who are either divorced, divorcing or separated and I have noticed that all of them have reported that this somewhat personal change has had an unexpected carry-on effect into their social circles too. I wanted to write about this to explore some of the reasons that this may be.

It would be easy to assign blame to your couple friends in this scenario. You might assume that they no longer hold you in high regard, or don’t wish to be tainted and painted with the same ugly brush that could impact their social standing. Certainly, it would be easy to jump to the conclusion that you have fast become one of the people they talk about rather than the person that they talk to. Alternatively, if you tend to see the good in people, you might try and reason that the couple feels uneasy around you now, or that they have split loyalties and it is easier or more comfortable not to see either you nor your soon to be ex. You might try to be forgiving that perhaps they no longer know what to say, and that they do not know if discussion of the topic is too taboo. Or that they don’t want to rub salt in your wound with their happiness.

All of these reasons have merit. I cannot speak for your individual couple friends any more than I can speak for you personally or any of the reasons you find yourself in this predicament. What I have observed however, are a few general patterns which seem to play out in these circumstances. And most of them have more to do with the separated persons than the couple friends. Which makes sense, when you think about it, doesn’t it? They are the ones who have changed ultimately.

While change is not usually a bad thing, it certainly does make many people uncomfortable. Humans tend to be creatures of habit who prefer to live in the realms of our comfort zones. So, while you navigate a whole new terrain, it wouldn’t be unusual for some people to cling more tightly to their comfortable life, out of fear more than anything that this could happen to them too. However, as I said, this usually is more about you than them.

As a newly single person, you have probably noted a shift in your needs, wants, expectations and comfort levels. While you perhaps didn’t give friendship much time or effort in the past, it may suddenly hold a newer higher priority in your life that it didn’t before. No longer do you spend your evenings with the inbuilt comfort of your spouse for company. Perhaps it is the case that you now seek time and attention during the evenings or weekends where you didn’t before. And it can be a sore realisation that people you considered friends are not as interested in entertaining this request – preferring to stay in with their partner as they usually do. Half of the reason this is sore, is because it can feel like abandonment, as if your friend does not care or understand what you are going through enough to inconvenience themselves. The other reason it is sore, is because you may begin to realise in similar situations beforehand, you may have acted similarly.

Even if you are still willing to meet up with them together as a couple, one member of the couple may now feel somewhat out of place. This could be because of aforementioned divided loyalties, or it may just be because the topics that interest you now are uncomfortable for them. I will use a heteronormative example of a husband and wife, although the same concept applies to most pairings. What if one of the separated persons has started dating. They are excited by this change and wish to discuss it. This conversation would be more typical between the two persons of the same gender than an open exchange between all 3 remaining parties. If you are a woman, you may feel uncomfortable discussing openly your physical explorations with someone new in front of your friends’ husband, for example. Or if you are a man, you may be reluctant to express your casual encounters with your friend’s wife.

Friendship with a single person tends to become somewhat more intimate or private, or personal even in nature. As such, it is likely that you would rather see one member of the couple more than the other. Even if you have no animosity towards them because you understand their predicament, it would be reasonable to assume you would seek out more relatable and available friendships moving forward.

Your divorced colleague at work might become more interesting, sharing stories over a drink after work might blossom into a friendship that otherwise would not exist. Hanging out with the younger crowd now you are more available might become the new normal. Single parents’ groups and carpools may become a priority as you search for new communities with a sense of belonging. Just as you once used to feel with your coupled counterparts.

Chances are high that you used to value the lower maintenance of your couple friends, and the ease at which you could catch up a few times a year and always seem just as close. However, it is that same distance that now separates you, because as a separated person your needs have changed.  And if it seems that they have taken the side of your ex, the likeliest reason is because your ex has turned to them and asked for more. Of course, sometimes it is a simple as feeling a bit sore and not being ready to face a happy couple, and as a result the friendship just slowly and naturally fades away as you drift away from it.

Divorcing a spouse doesn’t have to mean divorcing your whole life though. Much of the time it appears my divorced friends were too timid, to wary of demanding too much or asking for more. They assumed their friends would not be available, or were too worried of rejection to ask. If this resonates with you, perhaps they would love an excuse for a night out on the town? Just because they are married does not mean their life is over or they cannot have fun, with or without their partner?

It would be a shame to lose good friends unnecessarily. Maybe you will be in a new couple one day and in search of couple friends once more? Or maybe you will see a wilder side to them that you didn’t see before. Don’t assume they won’t be there for you without at least asking them to be. But forgive yourself too, if you prefer the company of other singles. Just remember, they are unlikely to stay that way.

My husband and I get along very well with our single friends. I spend time with them alone, as does he sometimes too, and we enjoy having a third to share opinions, laughs and play games with. It is only as awkward as you make it. I think we should all remember to make time and space for each other regardless of romantic status and stop putting all our eggs into the relationship basket. Friendships are the real relationships that matter. None of us know what our romantic future holds, after all. For that reason alone, friendships are a fine investment.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The GAY Boy Friend

In the last 2 weeks we talked about the male female friendship dynamic. Somewhere in that last one, I casually dropped that one of the males in question happened to be gay! While that particular fact about him specifically does not warrant a whole blog post, the hetero female and homo male friendship certainly warrants discussion!

I watched Will and Grace. Although that is an outdated reference I guess these days, it is becoming increasingly common for homosexuality to feature in mainstream media, and the loveable flamboyant gay male best friend is a favourite! As it is my only reference, I was curious to explore how this dynamic impacted the relationship between my friend and her gay boy friend!

Disappointingly perhaps, but more interestingly, her friend is butch. I don’t know if that is the correct term, as I am drawing on terminology more widely used in the female queer community. In order to avoid offense perhaps I should clarify what I mean by that. I mean her friend is masculine.  I don’t like to say it this way, but what I suppose I am getting at is that you might not know he was gay if you hadn’t been told. Not that there is anything wrong with any way a person expresses themselves, however the characters in media tend to have a flamboyant quality that is less obvious in my friend’s gay boy friend.

To be clear, I am calling him boy friend because he is a boy and he is her friend. Just an amusing play on words, not to insinuate that they are in any sort of asexual relationship, although aren’t all friendships really asexual relationships of sorts? I think so, but I am aware that this is an unpopular or uncomfortable opinion for most.  Anyway, I digress.

My friend thinks everyone needs a gay guy best friend in their lives. This factor contributes to the easy affection between them both with no confusion over meanings or boundaries. Because I am queerer and curious, I asked my friend if she would be as comfortable holding hands with a hetero female friend in the same manner. (Assuming the answer would be yes, because there is also no pressure or confusion I presume if both women are strictly heterosexual.) Interestingly she answered me no, that this would feel foreign and uncomfortable for her, the fact that this person was male was important, although she later went on to say she doesn’t see gender with her friends. I beg to differ. On a side note, I also wonder, if she would feel uncomfortable holding hands with a female friend on the basis of lack of attraction due to homophobia or orientation, why does he feel comfortable with her on the same basis? I think society has much to answer for here.

Anyway, this bond she shares with her gay boy friend seems to be the perfect balance for her. He is just emotionally in tune enough to keep in touch with her on a regular basis. They speak on the phone every week if not more, regardless of how much time they actually spend. This goes a very long way to keeping the friendship alive in of itself. He is masculine enough however not to become offended if they have not spent time together, and when they do, they seem to be able to read one another well enough to know how to provide just the right level of affection or reassurance or friendship.

I doubt that they delve much into the heavier topics of life, but the point is not whether they do as much as whether they can. And I think they can, if need be. My friend expressed this person knows her in a way most people don’t. He is in tune with her, knowing when she needs a ittle extra flirtation or when she needs a little extra space.

He knows that she suffers social anxiety, much of which is appearance based, and when to offer a flirtatious compliment or offer to hold her hand proudly as her plus one. She commented that he is easy going, in that he does not get upset if she wears the wrong thing. This surprised me too because in the media, the gay best friend is always offering fashion advice and letting the woman know if her outfit could use some tweaking. I personally have told her what outfits I think highlight her best assets or downplay problem area’s and have been open about outfits I feel are less flattering. Here I was thinking I was doing her a favour, when perhaps she was not interested in my opinion on her appearance…. Acceptance “as they are” appears to be more important. Noted. Lol

She can turn to this particular friend if she happens to need his more naturally blessed strength, or for erecting that high shelf, and later reaching things on it. She can easily allow him more space than an actual boyfriend, without feeling needy or abandoned. She can also tolerate his relationships without feeling jealous or replaced in any way. Not that this is a frequent issue, as it appears to me, they are happier with each other and being single than either of them seems to have been in any romantic entanglement.

But what stands out to me most, about both my friend, and her gay boy friend, is that neither of them subscribes to gender stereotypes, nor sexuality ones. They appear to both have a moderate amount of masculine and feminine traits and meet in the middle in some kind of common ground. In the media these friendships tend to portray the “ideal man” who is basically very effeminate. Which plays into the idea that femininity is superior. (Which would be why the fan base is so largely female) The media also focusses widely on toxic masculinity. However, we hear little of women being encouraged to embrace their masculinity.

I asked my friend if she saw her gay boyfriend as one of the girls, or if he saw her as one of the boys, or any such combination of things and she said that they didn’t see gender. (Which turned out to be untrue,) however I knew what she meant. They can be themselves with each other. They can escape the pressure to be completely one or the other and to conform to the norms associated. She can express her love of video games and pizza and he can talk about emotions or be loving and affectionate without feeling like a predator.

Although it might feel foreign to those of us more extreme on the gender identity spectrum, perhaps if we embraced more traits of each other, we could all meet in the middle and get along much better after all? Then perhaps gender and sexuality would finally be non-issues for friendships. On the other hand, what would I write about then? Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Sex in Friendships! Male Female dynamics. PART TWO

Last week we touched on the benefits of the male female friendship, drawing on the experience of my close, (straight,) female friend who has an equal number of close male and female friends. (She is certainly the closest I am likely to get to a male friend! Haha)

To read part one, click here, or scroll up one article. At the end of that piece, we left it when we reached affection…… which brings us to the juicy part this week! To quote ‘Salt N Peppa’ “Let’s talk about sex!”  This tends to be the main factor getting in the way of the original question; can women and men really be platonic friends. It is all well and good to say that they can be, as long as no sexual attraction exists for whatever reason. Maybe one or the other is not hetero, one or the other is partnered and faithful, or one or the other is just outside the realms of “type” to ever be viable. But what about when those perimeters are removed?

Of course, my friend has had sexual encounters with some of her male friends, which, by her accounts, appeared to be welcome, and not pressured from either side. Because it is easier to cross boundaries when those perimeters are removed, and men do tend to be more casual about sexual exploration. I don’t know if perhaps men are more demisexual than we give them credit for, forming attractions to persons after an emotional connection has blossomed, or if it is easier for them to separate sexual activity with romance…. but my friend did admit that not being sexual with male friends tended to make the friendship closer longer term than the alternative.

We couldn’t explore that without noting that there is a huge vulnerability that develops between a woman and any man she allows to see her naked.  Vulnerability is a key ingredient to closeness for women. Therefore, it could be argued that any man a woman is sexual with is automatically closer than any person with whom she is not sexual…. however, unless she goes on to marry that man, there is also a sense of rejection or betrayal when the friendship does not progress to something more romantically formal after such an event…. particularly if one party (usually her) had hoped that it might. Which makes behaving as a platonic friend again much harder when he takes on a wife, for example.

Which brings us nicely to our next point of discussion. If my friend has fallen in love with a few men over the course of her life, (as most of us have) then it stands to reason that clinging to the next best thing might play a role here. If her close male friends have some nature of resemblance to her first love, or the one that got away, she may be drawn to him and reluctant to let him get away a second time no matter what it means sacrificing for herself.

She said men were less dramatic. It wasn’t that men couldn’t be upset, but it was harder to upset them and easier to read and resolve when conflict arose. They were lower maintenance. They would not become angered at a lack of time or effort, because they also made minimal effort. She quipped that they were more available; they were not likely to be angered by a last-minute invitation because other plans fell through, whereas a friend like myself, would be; seeing it as being treated like a back up plan. Not to mention that a male friend is less picky. He won’t be upset if you spend the whole time in his company playing games on your phone, whereas a female counterpart is more likely to be offended by this and take it as a sign of disinterest. (All this does make me question if my friend is “that girl” who values men friends because they won’t be upset when she ditches them for a partner only re-emerging when the relationship is through….)

Naturally there were more personal factors to consider too. My friend’s closest male friend is also a long-term single person, meaning they share the benefits of the affection and emotional reassurance of an almost partner without any of the pesky commitments. A socially acceptable plus one to events is a bonus for them both. Not to mention that my friend happened to be raised as the only girl with 3 brothers, so tends to have more masculine interests as a result of early conditioning. As it so happens both herself and her closest male friend have large families who take up much of their social time too, leaving little space for needier friends like myself for example! Lol Although it didn’t come up in conversation I personally have to wonder if her difficult relationship with her father plays any role. And, if it is relevant, my friends best male friend is gay. More on that dynamic next week!

What I took from the conversation, is that men tend to, in her experience, and my own, prioritise friendships less than women, preferring to focus on career. Ruminations are more logical, or pride/ ego based than focussed on heavy relational issues. They enjoy keeping busy to avoid much emotion, and prefer to engage in side-by-side mentally engaging activities rather than face to face. It is less about being emotionally alone and more about not being physically alone.

I do not dispute that women and men are very different; both in our perspectives, expectations and experiences in the world. These differences at times repel us from one another and at other times draw us closer. However, we should not forget what we do share in common, and that is our humanity. I struggle to understand men, but that in part is the problem. My friend does not try to understand them, she just enjoys them as they are and expects very little. Perhaps that is the key to friendships regardless of anything else.

Can 2 people be friends? Well, yes, of course they can…..but will they be? That depends on the individuals in question, and all sorts of factors that are so unique to each of us.

Personally, I remain unconvinced, I think she would be lonely if she only had these male friends with their limited effort…but maybe balance is key, she has an even spread of both, filling all her relationship needs and maybe that is the real secret. If you know yourself well and all needs and how they can be addressed, you get to decide which people you choose to fill them. And as long as they’re met, you’re probably relatively happy and fulfilled.

I don’t know the question specifically, but the answer isn’t a definitive number or gender or set of rules. But I do know this much. Friendship is the answer, regardless. Friendship might not be a love story but it is definitely a story of love.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A Love Story Versus A Story Of Love; Opposite Gender Friendships. PART ONE.

I couldn’t call myself a friendship writer without attempting to write the piece about opposite gender friendships, could I? The long-standing social argument, can women and men be friends is one of life’s greatest mysteries. Personally, I have very limited experience on the subject. I have always valued, sought out and delighted in same gender friendships. My whole blog seeks to expose the powerful nature of these same gender friendships, which I don’t discount are equally as powerful for men. But what about those Female and Male bonds?

I can’t say I have been sceptical; I don’t think that would be accurate. Afterall, I tend to advocate for the fact that all friendships have some degree of flirtation, banter or sexual tension regardless of gender, sexual or romantic orientation. Maybe I have never had favourable circumstance to form such connections, and where they existed, in my own experience it would be fair to say that sex definitely got in the way and complicated matters. Not to mention that as someone who values femininity and the traits I personally associate with it, such as depth of conversation, romantic recounts and analysis, and shared entertainment activities such as rom coms and day spa’s, perhaps I have been too quick to discount men as one dimensional and disinteresting.

Whatever the reason, I couldn’t draw on my personal experience with this, so I turned to one of my closest friends, who has several close male friends for her perspective on this age-old quandary. Naturally, as someone who indulges in the female male dynamic of friendship, she is an advocate of the dynamic and unequivocally insists that not only can women and men be friends, but they can be the best of friends. Her reasons weren’t especially surprising, when you stop to think about it. So, let’s explore those.

First, it feels relevant to start by stating that my friend is a heterosexual single woman. She also classifies herself as heteroromantic and these factors appeared to play a role in the value she placed on the men in her life.  She did not deny that male friendships often met some of her relationship needs, in absence of a male partner currently in her life, and even better, those needs were met, and I quote, “for free.” I found this statement of particular interest. As someone who does not share her sexual or romantic orientation, I could relate to those sentiments. Because I have often felt there is a heavy pressure, an unspoken price to be paid, sexual in nature, when it comes to a close connection with a male. Not to paint them as one dimensional (not yet anyway, or for this specific reason) but in my own experience it seems fair to say that any time I have attempted to become a close confidant of a man, he always wanted/needed/expected that connection to be expressed physically. That hasn’t always felt welcome, and I have assumed my own queerer orientation played a role in that feeling.

As such, it was very interesting to hear that even a heterosexual woman could relate to that feeling and welcomed a more affectionate but less sexual relationship with a male friend. This point was the first my friend discussed. But it wasn’t purely sexual. My friend is highly independent and does not need any man to do anything for her. She is perfectly capable of mowing her own lawns, changing her own tyres, and financing her own life. (And she totally rocks the cute dresses while she does them!) However, she was still quick to note it is handy to have male friends to call on for their talents at erecting shelves, building cat enclosures and patching up the walls. And when the man in question is a friend as distinct from a boyfriend, the only price to be paid is at most a thank you and at worst a cash exchange. As a married woman I can tell you that isn’t the preferred method of payment for such things from my husband! Maybe that is why I still prefer to call on my father for help instead?! Haha

However, it wasn’t just their strength or practical ability that my friend benefits from out of her male friendships, but the fact that affection between them seems natural, and it met that physical need for affection without any confusion about where the boundaries lie. It did surprise me somewhat, as obviously my friend professes to enjoy sexual intimacy with men, however most wives I have spoken to have related to the sentiment that we, as women, crave that affection, from a simple hand hold to a non-sexual spooning session without feeling pressure for things to progress or feeling like we have let the other party down when we don’t feel like anything more than just being held.

I am starting to think my friend is really on to something here, in regards to the free relationship theory! Haha

Stay tuned for more on this next week and the other benefits and factors that influence the male female friendship dynamic. What if one or the other experiences attraction. Are boundaries ever crossed? Is there ever any coming back from that? What are the benefits of a male friendship as opposed to a female one? All that and more.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When the friend you used to know becomes the friend you don’t want to know.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary, and oh how time flies. Our sweet toddler at the time is now a teenager and our daughter conceived that night is now 10. As I searched for a quote to share on social media that accurately represented marriage, and the changes that have transpired over our time together I found this one.

“He never suffocated his wife with his own idea of who he expected her to be. Rather, he loved, fully, every new woman she became.” It resonated with me, with how my husband has loved all the versions of me so far. The smaller and bigger versions. The working and non working versions. The long and short haired versions. The coloured hair versions. The extroverted and introverted versions. The depressed and excited versions. All the orientation and identity versions. The gothic version and the fluro pink version. But it also made me think about friendships, perhaps in defining what is essentially different about relationships and friendships.

None of us stay the same, and as much as we love and grow with our friends, sometimes they grow into people we don’t like anymore. Even if we do love them. Or did love them. Our investment in friends perhaps isn’t as high as in a relationship. You can walk away from a friendship relatively unscathed or unaffected at times. Perhaps this makes it that much easier to get attached to who they used to be and not accept who they become?

Of course, it would be naïve to ignore the fact that even some marriages end under these circumstances, so perhaps this is less about the type of relationship and just about human nature. Either way, is it ok not to like or love the person someone changes into, even if you loved the person they were?

I think it is fair to say it isn’t always a choice. We feel how we feel, and if your friend has changed considerably, it might be kinder to walk away than to smother them with your expectation of who they should be, or resent them for not being that in the instance that you cannot like or love the person they have become.

That said, it is common to find yourself in some internal turmoil, weighing and comparing the person you knew then, and the meaning of your relationship then, to how it feels now. Thinking about how meaningful a particular friend once was and how joyous your relationship used to be can actually keep you hanging on longer than necessary in some sort of limbo decision making process.

It is never easy to let a person you once considered a friend go. It is worth some deliberation indeed. However, thinking for too long keeps us stuck in sometimes toxic situations when it would be better for everyone involved to just bite the bullet. Just because a relationship used to be meaningful doesn’t mean it still is or ever will be again. It also doesn’t mean it never will be again.  Maybe it depends on the size of the change, or how at odds you now are with your values.

The global pandemic for example, has put people at odds in unexpected ways because their comfort level around risk or their ideas about vaccinations differ in ways that suddenly made them incompatible in fundamental ways. Politics have had similar consequences. It doesn’t necessarily matter what the change is – whether your friend has become a conspiracy theorist or whether they have found religion that is at odds with your own values or beliefs, or if they just have taken up a lifestyle that you don’t approve of or feel safe around. If your intuition is telling you it is time to go your separate ways, you are allowed to do so.

It doesn’t make you a bad friend, or a bad person. It doesn’t discount the meaning your friendship once served. It doesn’t make you heartless. Ending a friendship is no less painful than having one ended for you. It doesn’t even mean you hold ill feelings towards this person. You may indeed wish them every success and happiness, even if you won’t be around to see it or share in it.

Maybe it comes down to asking yourself if you met this person as they are today, would you still be their friend? If the answer is no, that is usually a pretty big hint.  At the end of the day, as romantic as the idea may be, we are not married to our friends. If we can’t love or like the person they have become, we probably should move aside and make room for people who can. Right? Sometimes staying hurts more than leaving and that is when you know it is time.

It is ok to walk away from people who put you at odds with your values, or who make you uncomfortable, or who you just don’t like, even if you used to. Remember that was a different version of yourself, too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Don’t stay with someone because of who they were instead of who they are.

Friendship for sale; Asking Price; Buy me a coffee

Making friends as an adult is hard. So, if you have found yourself in a position where you need some new ones as life has gone on, it can seem extremely daunting. I have written about this several times, and I stand by it. However, it doesn’t have to be hard. If you have an open mind and heart, and a friendly disposition, making new friends can be as simple as a cup of coffee. (Says the only adult woman on the planet who does not drink coffee?! Haha)

Recently, the warmest, friendliest, most inviting and open-minded friend I have shared a heart-warming story of making a new friend. To be fair, friendship seems to be a natural state for this woman. Everyone she meets becomes a friend of sorts. She is just so cheerful and enigmatic that you can’t help but be drawn in by her. She is an empath, can really sense and read people well, and thrives on human connection. She is also extremely inclusive, connecting people together if she thinks they will gel well, with only joy in her heart if those two people connect, even if it comes at her expense.

I admire this about this friend, and many other things. She is just a people person. And her story of this new friendship reflected it perfectly. My friend owns her own business. She is very popular in the local community, often busy to the point she is turning clients away for lack of time to meet the needs of everyone. Her line of work sometimes requires some pretty specific equipment, which she has to source from far and wide, and replace regularly. Last month she was selling an item she had replaced, which still had some life left in it.

Because the item was specific to her area of expertise, it was of no surprise when a competitor contacted her asking for the price of the item. Many people I know would be reluctant. Hesitant to help the competition. But not my friend. Instead, she insisted the asking price for the item was a coffee and a chat, to which the competitor willingly agreed! Bargain!

The 2 women met for said coffee, the item changed hands, and they sat and chatted for half an hour. Tricks and tips of the trade were exchanged. Referrals and a mutually beneficial business pairing transpired. Happy stories and some venting about the specific stresses of the working environment were shared too, and in only half an hour the 2 women who would otherwise have had none of these benefits walked away with the best one of all. A new friend.

Many of us would be too concerned with rejection or seeming “weird and desperate” to follow such an approach. Many others might argue it seems unsafe, even if the 2 women met in a public place. Some of us would assume that the other person would be put off by the mere suggestion. My friend is unconcerned with any of that. She recognises that at our core, most of us crave and welcome new connections, and isn’t afraid to be the one to go first.

When I met her, in a group setting, she was the first to take me under her wing and make me feel welcome. She was the one to invite me to social events I would otherwise not have known about. She was the one who attempted to spend time with me alone. And although it took years for our connection to fully blossom, she was the one who patiently waited for the timing to be right. She was the one who never gave up, who never insisted it be more or less than what it was. She always welcomed and accepted whatever came of it.

That is not to say she hasn’t suffered her fair share of rejections and loss, betrayal and heartbreak. She has. However she doesn’t let it define her. She isn’t afraid of falling because she isn’t afraid of starting again. She isn’t lonely because she sees strangers as friends she hasn’t met yet. She shows genuine interest in people and is naturally forgiving. However she is also wise in her investments. She will hold space for everyone, but only those who are worthy get to really know her.

I have much to learn from this person, and I enjoy the lessons so much I wanted to share them all with you. Go first. Don’t be concerned with what someone thinks of you before they know you. Be kind first and right second. Assume the best of people and not the worst. Be a friend to people and see what blossoms in return.  Be complimentary and kind and curious and cheerful. Make people smile by being comfortable in yourself, and they will be comfortable with you too.

Think of this next time you are selling something you no longer need or use. The person buying it and yourself likely have common ground…. can you afford to invest a little time? Can you afford not to?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friendship is the same x

Bored AND Lonely VS Bored OR Lonely

It seems to be a common idea that bored and lonely are basically the same. That if you feel one, chances are you will feel the other. This is especially true of loneliness. It is more widely accepted that a person may feel temporarily bored, during a slow afternoon at work for example, without feeling lonely. However, it tends to be widely misjudged (from my experience anyway) that when a person complains of loneliness, that the person is misinformed and what they are really suffering is boredom.

I do not dispute that boredom and loneliness are often experienced together. Many people with depression will report this particular combination of emotions; a boredom which stems from an inability to be attentive to much or motivated, and lacking in persons to do things with even if they were motivated or interested. It really is a horrible combination of feelings. Therapy of course helps, because talking about how we feel sometimes lessen the load even if it isn’t solutions we seek. Sometimes we just need to feel like someone knows us, someone hears and sees us, and that someone cares. Even if they get paid to care.

My husband is easily bored. I have never met a grown adult before who cannot leave the house without some sort of book or gaming device to entertain them in the event that there is a moment when he is not occupied! Standing in line? Read a page of a book. Waiting in the doctors office? Pull out the portable gaming device. Even at times when he should be engaged, or at least pretending to be engaged, he will pull out the devices. Like at the school assembly or our daughters gymnastic class or our son’s specialist appointment. It is fair to say he has no concern for societal pressure. This is something I love about him, but yes, sometimes I cringe.

It just baffles me because we are so different in that regard. I am perfectly comfortable waiting for an hour with little to do. Ok, yes, I admit I pull out my phone and answer any messages I may have, but you could probably count on one hand the times I have pulled out a game or a book in those circumstances. I might google what is on my mind, or make a list of what else needs to be done. Does he have no thoughts? I am so distracted by mine that mindless games are anything but relaxing?

We are different. One is not wrong or better than the other. It might be nice to escape my thoughts, and maybe that is what he is doing. But when I ask him, there appears to be nothing there! Although  it makes me a little sad, it also makes me a little jealous. How lovely to have such a quiet mind. No wonder he falls asleep with ease! No mental lists, social pressures or commitments and no worries! Seems idyllic to me, and yes, perhaps somewhat dull! No wonder he is bored!

I, on the other hand, crave human connection. I feel it is the reason for my existence on this earth, the gift to see people. Although so many people have left my life, almost every person I encounter mentions that they have been grateful for the experience of knowing me, because of the level to which I knew them. Most people, from my hairdresser I see only a handful of times a year, to my closest friends, tell me that I am easy to talk to. They tell me I know things that nobody else does, and that they look forward to talking to me. They appreciate that I remember the details and get to know the people around me.

I don’t find it hard to achieve. I have a natural curiosity for people and what they are experiencing in their lives. I have made enough choices in my life that I am in no position to judge anyone, and even if I was, I am wise enough to know that is not the key to openness. Just yesterday, at my hairdresser, the new trainee/apprentice was called over for most of my treatment to assist and learn. It gave us plenty of time to chat, as she opened up to me about her relationship with her child’s father, her housing situation, friendships and hopes for the future. We were giggling and bantering. It wasn’t magic, it was just creating a space for her to talk. When she left at the end of her shift, my hairdresser hugged me and said that was the happiest she had seen this assistant the whole time she had been there. It was the loudest and most joyous she had been, and the most she had opened up. My hairdresser then added that she shouldn’t be surprised, as I am always asking one about her son, the other about her twin brothers, herself about her medical conditions and the admin girl about her pregnancy.

I just smiled and said it wasn’t magic, you just have to care enough to ask, and then actually listen. Of course, I tell you this, because it is a trait about myself of which I am proud. However, I am not unaware that it extends so far to these casual contacts, because I often feel lonely. As a stay at home parent, my hours tend to be quite opposite to those of most others in my life. While they are free weekends, I am on kid duty then. While they are at work, I am available.

This means I tend to spend much time on my own. I don’t say this as a bad thing, or for anyone to get out the world’s smallest violin, it is just a fact about my life right now. Yet when I attempt to express it or explain it, people without fail tell me I need to keep busy. That I have too much time on my hands and that I am bored.

I assure you I am not bored. There is plenty for me to do, so much that I usually don’t get most of it done. (By that I largely mean the housework! Haha) I balance the accounts and pay the bills and keep in contact with all my son’s specialists and appointments. I do the general and birthday shopping, organise family events and keep up with the grocery shopping. I get my 10000 steps in every day. I wirte. I do the washing and make the lunches and get the admin of the house sorted. And usually while I do all of it, there is a running list of never ending other things to get done too, not to mention my abstract thoughts and worries.

I am not suggesting working women don’t do all this and more. I am sure they do. I know I am fortunate enough that I am in a position to watch a day time film or catch up with a friend for lunch. I don’t dispute it. I do those things as often as possible and thoroughly enjoy them.  My point is only that like most people I have a growing list of shows on my need to watch list, that I could and would watch if only I had the time to. I am NOT Bored.  I run a million of my own errands and far too many of other people who assume I have nothing but time to waste, and that they are doing me a favour by asking me to do things for them that they could easily do for themselves.

But most of the time, I am alone. I am a little isolated and I miss connecting with people. Just sitting and making eye contact and talking fills my soul cup. I find that when I do get that opportunity, often the people I am desperate to connect with struggle to meet this need. They can’t slow down. They can’t stop. They feel unproductive and bored just chatting. They need to be busy. It has become an addiction.  Even if they do make time to open up to me in short bursts, the consistency is lacking, the eye contact, and the listening.

As someone who loves to talk to people the most, perhaps what I really seek, is someone to listen sometimes too. The point of this post is just to validate that boredom and loneliness are not the same and they can exist independently, because as I once read somewhere; Boredom is of the mind, whereas Loneliness is of the heart.

However much downtime your schedule allows, don’t forget to use it wisely really connecting with your loved ones, really talking to them, and really listening too. You’ll be amazed how much better you feel!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Validation Void - Do you have a Vacancy?

So last week we talked about people who talk in codes. At the end of the day, we learned most people will be hard pressed to tell the cold hard truth! Most people will not say “No, I don’t like you” or “Yes, I am using you.” Especially in the case of the latter, where honesty would definitely be counterproductive to the goal of using you. It seems pretty straightforward then, to just trust your instincts on this and move away from people who’s actions and words leave you feeling suspicious of their intention.

So why then do so many of us not do that? Why do we get trapped in the cycle of decoding their words? I suppose a the first reasons that springs to mind is “self preservation.” We want to believe that we are worthy. And sometimes we get caught up in proving that we are based on this one person’s attitude towards us. We want to believe we are likeable and not just useful, so therefore, we try to read what we want to read into their words when we should really be listening to their actions.

The second reason that comes to mind is this need to be “right.” At it’s core, we often fail to trust our instincts until they are validated by another person. Unfortunately often, the person we need to validate our feelings is the exact person who is benefiting from not validating them. It is always easier to walk away from someone when both people agree on the situation. If one person says to the other that they don’t think things are working out between them, and they feel they should go their separate ways, and the other person seems relieved and agrees with this, providing further validation by saying that they have been thinking and feeling the same lately, both people will feel freer to walk away. They weren’t wrong, the other party agreed, case closed.

Closure. It’s so neat and perfect, tied in it’s perfect little bow, isn’t it? Unfortunately most relationships are not as picture perfect and most situations don’t provide that closure. What’s worse is that sometimes you feel you have achieved closure, until the bow gets ripped apart again and you realise it was never as neat and tidy as you thought anyway?! Seeking closure, is what keeps us seeking validation.

It can be what causes us to go backwards when we should be moving forwards. Maybe this is precisely what Dr Phil was talking about when he said “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” (I have no idea if the concept was his or if he quoted someone else, it’s likely!) At it’s core, we all want to be happy and we confuse that with being right. It provides us with a certainty that human relationships cannot offer. We want a guarantee that this person will not change and be perfect for the next person, or we want to be sure we are not making a mistake, jumping to conclusions and missing an opportunity for greatness.

I have decided to coin this “validation void” – when the brain stops functioning completely while searching for evidence and confirmation that our suspicions are correct. Where we stop acting in our own best interests trying to fill that void, that uncertainty within. Where we are so hungry for validation that we starve ourselves of the nutrition that is served to us. Where we allow ourselves to believe someone else’s version of reality because it seems more palpable, and less painful than our own. In the moment that is, long term it is actually way, way, waaaaay, more painful.

What is interesting about this particular concept, is that every person you know and who cares for you is likely to offer validation on your points. Yet all that serves you with is more ammunition for you to fire, trying to get the object withholding validation to agree with you. Which is generally futile. But even if they do concede, it will only be to disarm you temporarily before the same behaviours repeat.

We all turn to friends and family for validation. I am not disregarding it’s importance and how it can help us learn and grow when we are challenged, nor it’s powers of healing when we receive it. We probably all have a Validation Vallery friend. She is behind you all the way, always on your team, your biggest cheerleader. But too much validation seems disingenuous after a while, doesn’t it. And we all probably have a Challenging Chad friend too. The one who likes to challenge your perceptions of things when sometimes you really just need to hear that you weren’t wrong.

Essentially, while all humans have a validation void, the size of the void is up to you. Life doesn’t come with guarantees, and neither do relationships or friendships. You have to have a certain degree of security in yourself. You have to be willing to risk it and back your decisions. You have to trust that you can live with it if they go on to be perfect for someone else and not blame yourself for it. The only way this validation void gets smaller, is by acting on your intuition. Even if it means getting validation from everyone EXCEPT the person involved. The more you act on your intuition, the stronger you will get, and the smaller the void will be.

The less you base how you feel about yourself on how others feel about you or treat you, the more you teach them how to treat you. The more you understand that you are ok without any given person, the less afraid you will be to act on these intuitive feelings.

If somebody isn’t treating you the ways in which you want, need or expect to be treated, you do not need them to agree with you. You are allowed to act on that feeling even if they insist that you are wrong. A person who cares about you will never simply deny you your truth, they would work with you to change behaviours to make you more comfortable. If they can’t show you what you want to see, find someone that can. It doesn’t matter if you are wrong or right. You want to be happy, and this isn’t it.

Don’t allow your validation void become big enough that it has a vacancy sign, or someone will move in for sure. That is not a space you want to allow anyone to live in. Trust me!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Farming or Friending? Stop talking to Goats! Or in codes!

Haha this title is a sneaky reference to an ongoing joke in our house that relates to the Ellie Goulding song “codes” as my daughter misheard the lyrics “stop talking in codes” as “stop talking to goats” followed by the question “Why is she talking to goats?” She insists this is not at all funny, but it always makes me giggle when I hear the song, and I hope it always does. Have you ever googled misheard song lyrics. Funny stuff, I recommend it on your ‘when I am bored’ google list.

Anyway, the song is about a love interest I presume, and insinuates that the artist feels confused by this person’s behaviour. While that is very common in modern dating, I find it equally applies to friendships at an alarmingly high rate. And I am not only talking about those “it’s complicated” friendships with benefits, although that definitely applies here too.

What resonates especially with the song lyrics, is the idea that sometimes even friends can be unclear of their intentions. They might call you a “best friend” but seemingly treat you more like a casual acquaintance. Or they may be hot and cold, best friends one week, ditched the next. Perhaps they treat you like a bit of a back up plan in case their plans fall through or when they are in between romantic interests.

These people can be hard to pin down. They often talk in circles and can be careful what words they use. For example, a friend of mine once told her when she questioned an absentee friend about the state of the friendship, that the person in question responded “I still consider myself to be a friend of yours.” I thought that was an especially deceptive response. So much so that over 10 years later I still remember it. I still consider myself to be a friend of yours? Is that to say that you don’t consider me to be a friend of yours? Yes, that is exactly what it implies.

If that isn’t speaking in codes, I don’t know what is. In order to hear what is really being said, you have to tune in to what is NOT being said. People who speak in codes are quite purposeful with their words. On the surface, it appears to be saying “we are still friends, of course!” But that isn’t what it says at all, and if that is what was meant by it, then that is what it would have said. It does not address the fact that the person was left in so much doubt by their actions that they even felt they had to ask if they were indeed friends. That in of itself speaks volumes, don’t you think? Not to mention that the answer implies that the person asking the question has no ownership over who they consider to be their friend. “I consider myself to be a friend of yours?” That isn’t up to you, and it isn’t really what was asked, was it? I doubt the person reached out and asked “Hey, things have been a bit distanced between us, I am not sure if I still like you, can you clarify that for me please? Do I still consider you my friend?”

It also removes ownership of the askers ability to dispute it. It almost says “I don’t care what you think or feel. Whether you like me or not, whether or not you agree even, I consider myself your friend.” It is deceitful and manipulative and dodges accountability entirely. This person was not acting like a friend, hence the question in the first place. How can you consider yourself a friend of a person to whom you are not acting like a friend? Even if it was your place to dictate, which it isn’t.

If any of you are Married at First Sight Australia fans, the contestant Bec comes to mind. (Yes, I am a shameless trashy reality tv addict! Haha) This character always talked around the question. Her match was never quite sure where he stood with her. The reason she did this, in my humble opinion, and the reason anyone chooses to do this generally speaking is because the truth is unpleasant, and saying it out loud serves to make the person saying it look like a bad person. So Bec couldn’t say she just wasn’t that into her match on the show because he had bad teeth – that would make her appear shallow, so instead, she tried to find any reason under the sun to justify not being into him and string him along pretending to be working on things but in reality, just waiting to get away from him for good after the show ended. Similarly, the friend in the above example probably felt it was too harsh to say “You’re right, I don’t like you anymore, we are not friends. I don’t want us to never speak again. If we see each other at a function we can be casually polite, so I look like a better person, but essentially our friendship is dead.” So, she answered around the question in what seemed pleasing but was actually as hollow as it felt.

It would be unfair to imply that anyone who has spoken in codes always does so. Perhaps we all speak in codes at times. However, you have to ask yourself isn’t it kinder in the long run not to leave people guessing and hanging? Wouldn’t it be kinder to say “I have noticed us drifting apart lately too, it is always sad that as people grow up, they grow apart, however for now we must accept that we are on separate paths and life is taking us in different directions. I wish you all the best for your future as I am unlikely to see it. Thanks for the years of friendship we shared in our history.” It leaves no doubt. It says the cruellest truth in the kindest way possible and it leaves them both free to move on.

When people speak in codes, they are keeping you in a holding pattern. They are denying accountability and they are thinking more of themselves than of you. If you can’t get a straight answer out of someone, that is worse than hearing the worst-case scenario. They are not protecting you; they are protecting themselves.  That is not the actions of a friend.

In the song lyrics she says “Give me something new to think about.” This references all the time spent decoding what someone means, refusing to hear the ugliest truths and refusing to accept them. At the end of the day, if someone is speaking in codes, you probably wont like what you uncover, so don’t waste your time. Move on to someone who is clear in their intent, someone who tells you the truth and means it…. For better or worse! It might not be until death do you part, but if you waste time trying to hear what you want to hear in the codes, you can easily die trying. I know people who have wasted upwards of 10 years already! A true friend’s words and actions will match. If they like you, you’ll know. If you don’t know….. well then sorry to say, but you have your answer… they don’t. Not really.

You can’t force people to stop talking in codes…. But my daughter was right in that talking to goats would be just as helpful. What you can do, is stop talking to goats, and stop decoding while you are at it. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Haha

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fixing Fractures After the Fight

It is only my love of alliteration that would cause me to use the word fight in the title there. However, whatever word you prefer to use; falling out, disagreement, space, harsh words…. The sentiment is the same. You and a close friend have encountered conflict, and now, you’re wanting to find a resolution and move on harmoniously.

The word fracture, was more intentional, because these conflicts, while natural, can cause pain and can cause cracks in the foundations of your friendships. If not managed with proper care, it could turn into a break, which most often ends in a break up! Which is sad, because in most cases the 2 people involved really do (or did anyway) like and love and respect one another and value the connection.

The most painful conflicts tend to be with the people to whom we are closest and most heavily invested. Unfortunately, these are the same connections that are laden with expectation and all the other heavy emotions that can add to the strain of the fracture. Not to mention the urgency one feels to fix the situation immediately which can only make decisions worse.

The similarities to a fractured limb for example, don’t end there; A fractured limb needs gentle tending, time to mend, rest and support. If you want to mend your fractured friendship, it will need the same, and it will take both of you to provide it to the other. This can be the trickiest part – it becomes your job to take care of the very person who caused your own pain. Each of you need to provide support; each of you needs to feel secure that you both want to make this work, that one of you isn’t going to walk away. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for space, because space is part of what you probably need. What it does mean is that space shouldn’t be open ended perhaps. It might be wise to suggest that you each take a few days to a week to cool off and think things over before making contact again to try and think it through.

During that week, each of you should contemplate not only your point/perspective, but that of the other person too, and more importantly how to express yourself in ways conducive to reconciliation. After your agreed upon timeframe of space has passed, each of you must commit to making time together to talk it through. Now, some people do prefer to skip this step. And for some of them, it works. I can’t tell you what is best in your particular friendship, all I can tell you is that if you do have this talk, each person has to approach it with an apologetic attitude.

That is not to say that you were wrong, only that you are sorry for the strain it has caused between you, that you do not wish to continue fighting, and you are sorry that your friend has been distressed by the events. Similarly, they should also feel apologetic for the strain and distress caused to you. Approach the conversation with love. Naturally, defences will be high, when usually, all each of you really wants is to feel loved and respected and validated.

In my own experiences, if a friend thinks they cannot validate my experience, or refuses to apologise, they will blow past my apology and say it is “water under the bridge.” This used to really bother me, because I wanted to pull the experience apart. However, I now see it is an act of love. If my friend feels they were right and I was wrong – and nothing I say is likely to change that perspective, there really isn’t any point in discussing it, is there? In their own way, they are trying to protect my pride, and not forcing me to yield or beg for forgiveness.

So what next? You have had the space, then the conversation, (or not)…. How do you go back to the way things were? You wont like this, but the answer is, you don’t. That would be considered forcing it. What you should do, is commit to spending time together. Possibly not as much time as before, but with some level of consistency. You tolerate some distance between you. You work hard at creating new happy moments together and you build it back up slowly over time.

You might feel sensitive about it. If your friend cancels one of your plans in the beginning it will be hard to ignore the voice in your head that wants to convince you this means it is all over, it is the beginning of the end. Be patient. Be understanding. Be forgiving. Keep trying. Reschedule. Be there. Don’t give up. The voice in your head might be right. It takes 2 to tango and if your friend doesn’t want to fix things, then they won’t be fixed. But at least you will know you did all you could and your heart was open to reconciliation.

In some cases, it may take years to get back on track, or to even reconnect at all. Both parties have to be ready, have to want it equally, and have to do their part. Eventually that means letting it go, whether you got your apology or not. It means leaving it in the past and just rebuilding moving forwards.

For the friends that have managed reconciliation with me, be it big or small, thank you for loving me when I least deserved it, because you knew it was when I most needed it. Thank you for your apologies, or not. Thank you for still showing up, for letting it go, for not allowing fractures become breaks. For still seeing the positives in me when it was not as clear and sticking with me when it was not as rewarding. Thank you for getting through awkward periods of space, for trusting that we didn’t mean to hurt each other and for being patient enough that we could still be close again.

Not all my friendships have survived, but the ones remaining were worth fighting for. I am not naïve enough to think that we wont encounter more conflict on our journey, but I can say I do feel more secure, that we come out the other side a little stronger each time, and learn which insecurities need reinforcements, which blows were too low and which topics or situations should be avoided at all costs! Haha

If a friend is worth fighting with, chances are, the friendship is worth fighting for.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Vulnerability; Genuinely Given VS Gestured or Generated

I love armchair psychology. For anyone who relates, and probably even those that don’t, I am sure you will agree that the internet represents a black hole where hours, sometimes even entire days seem to quickly disappear. I read up about disorders, friendships, building more positive relationships and all sorts of other foods for thoughts. It is my not so guilty pleasure, and often I justify it by calling it research, even if the topic at hand has nothing to do with friendships.

Because my readers all have one thing in common; and that is that we are all human. We all experience life, emotions, complicated behaviours and relationships with each other. And most concepts that apply to humans, are applicable to friendships, given the social nature of our kind.

When I am not researching, another guilty pleasure is watching “I survived.” Each episode usually features 3 people who survived some sort of trauma or accident. Disturbingly, almost every episode contains at least one woman who was attacked by a man, but I’ll leave that topic for the actual psychologists to muster. Then there is usually another who has survived an earthquake, or a plane crash or a ship sinking or something like that. The third category is often a person who survived an attack from a mountain lion, or a bear or a snake or a wild chimpanzee. In these cases, most of them survived because a friend went in to battle with them or for them, and I noted how distinct this is to the human species. Maybe why we do so well with dogs?

Other species will protect their young, however if you see a lion attacking a deer for example, (thanks for that David Attenborough!) you won’t see the other deer racing to his or her rescue. We are pack animals, and with that comes its complicated social dynamics. If you want to have friends who you count on to attack a bear for you, that requires a certain level of trust…. Which also requires a certain level of vulnerability.

I love vulnerability, although I probably do struggle with it myself. But it has served me well as a friendship tool. Knowing that people generally love to talk about themselves, and that this generates a feeling of connectedness has probably helped with my insecurities. If someone feels close to me, they will value me. If they feel that I know them on a deeper level, that they can trust me with their secrets and show me their inner world, then as a by-product of that, we both end up feeling safer and more secure. Loneliness only ensues if I fail to open up to them equally, or if they fail to notice and reciprocate my interest.

I do this by asking questions. I feel this shows interest in someone, and I am always interested in people. Some are so amusing, others fascinating, others intriguing. Almost all very rewarding when they do let you in. It may even come across as though I am interviewing new friends. As a well-meaning way of connecting with them, however I have been shocked to learn that some people consider this interest to be a violation of boundaries, and prefer not to be asked questions. I also notice I myself can become squirmish if someone I haven’t spent much time with delves too deep. While I like to be asked, and to share, I can admit to often holding my own cards close to my chest while asking the other person to show all of theirs.

Emphasis on the word “Already” perhaps?

So that is why this article; from “The Jordan Harbinger Show” resonated with me in uncomfortable ways. The article is titled “Stop Trying To Be ‘Vulnerable.’ Do This Instead.” It is worth a read, but bear with me first! Haha (Spoiler alert!) It outlines an experience whereby the writer is at a shared dinner, and the facilitator of the event requests that they all share something vulnerable in the name of connectedness. The writer feels uncomfortable sharing on command with a group of strangers, and refuses to participate. He wonders what is wrong with him that he was unable to be vulnerable or that it felt forced and inauthentic. However afterwards several other attendees approach him and say that they felt the same way and wished they were brave enough to also refuse. At that point the writer realises refusing to share, and trusting his instincts, was actually an act of vulnerability.

Vulnerability, basically means to be your authentic self at any moment. To share what you are thinking or feeling regardless of consequence or judgement. It can mean sharing a deep secret from your past, or a story that reflects your inner journey and why you are who you are today. But it also stems from not sharing too, if you don’t feel comfortable. It comes from openly communicating difficult or complicated things and removing yourself from expectations of others.

When I read this article, three friends in particular came to mind. The one who I felt pushed me away by refusing/rejecting my offer to talk to me/answer my questions, in my genuine efforts to connect with her. I gave no thought to how difficult it probably was for her to trust that I would take that rejection of communication at face value. The friendship subsequently fizzled as I had no other means of connecting when I misinterpreted this request to “not ask me personal questions about myself or my life.” I had no real clue how to talk without asking. And as someone who does like to be asked deeper questions, I felt hurt by the rejection. Rightly or wrongly.

The second friend that comes to mind is the friend who loves my questions. Someone who took a very long time to warm to me, to a point of vulnerability though. Someone who took her time learning to observe me, trust me and open up completely. Someone I liked, and never gave up on. Someone who intrigued me, and whom I knew there was a wealth of depth waiting to be uncovered, but whom I didn’t press too hard for that information because time together was never a regular thing. When it became more regular, when she trusted my investment regardless, it felt more genuine to open up. This friend also often challenges my own boundaries, pushing, asking, and is often surprised at what other cards I slowly reveal. She is teaching me patience with vulnerability – and that consistent time is an important ingredient.

This brings me to the third friend. This is the friend I find fascinating. She will be completely vulnerable in one moment, then distanced or more surface level the next, as though it never happened. We enjoy frequent time together, and have done for many years now, but yet somehow, I still don’t feel I really know and understand her. I enjoy her company, yet always seem to dig for something deeper and often wonder if there is maybe just not much there to be found.  She knows I hunger for a deeper connection with her, for us to know each other like I do with my other close friends.  We can and do discuss it, which I suppose is vulnerable in itself. However, she teaches me about vulnerability in comfortability. That we know each other so intimately from time together. That she knows when I need a bathroom, I need it NOW. That I know when she laughs too much, she often pees herself. That we can read each other’s moods and body language and are more in tune with each other emotionally without the need for conversations. That we laugh about each other’s weaknesses and trust each other not to punch below the belt (too hard anyway! haha). That we spar in good humour, but we are there for one another when it comes down to it.

So, what is the point of this article? Just to acknowledge there is more than one way to experience vulnerability, which is key to friendships. That sometimes you have to be patient, sometimes you have to be understanding, or make room or allowances, sometimes you have to go first, and sometimes you can just go ahead and ask. It requires you to know your friend, and do it in the way that they feel safest. I haven’t always done that, and I am starting to see and understand why some people just seem to say I make them uncomfortable. Sorry! Haha Vulnerability means apologising sometimes too. :D

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Image from https://www.mobiusleadership.com/vulnerability-is-not-a-strength/
You should find it either way if you are patient and understanding and invested, and sometimes, if you go first!

How to know if a friend cares about you?

Recently someone I considered a very close friend decided to end our communication somewhat abruptly. I did understand and respect this choice, as much as it hurt. I can’t say I saw it coming, because I didn’t, actually it kinda blindsided me. That said, the situation was complicated at best and I knew in my heart of hearts it wasn’t personal but somewhat situational. Knowing that didn’t necessarily make it hurt any less though, because my friend knew she was making a choice that would hurt me, and yet she made it anyway.

Last week I wrote about choosing yourself, just as this person did. She felt she needed to practise self-care and part of that meant taking a break from us. Although I respected this choice, I found it ironic because I had thought that I was in fact taking care of her emotionally. I thought she knew, understood and felt cared for by me, not that self-care would mean removing me. I also believed that she cared about me too, and appreciated the reciprocal role we had in one another’s lives. So while I support her choice to do for herself whatever she needs to do, I had to question how I could be so wrong about someone and the relationship we shared.

I know perspective is reality, but there is always more than one perspective, and this really challenged my reality. I would consider myself somewhat rejection sensitive. Which means I can be cynical and don’t trust people easily. It means I can jump to conclusions and sometimes assume the worst. I have very close friends who have at times needed to reassure me that they do care because I have questioned it.

Logically I have written about the 5 love languages, and the fact that if my language is time, and my friend’s language is acts of service; unless we show love in the other person’s language, they wont feel cared about, even if you do care about them. So I could spend all the time in the world with that friend, and they just feel burdened and overwhelmed and maybe even disrespected, because what they want is for me to offer to watch their child. Similarly, the other person could watch my children every week but if she didn’t spend any time with me outside of that I would not feel cared for.

But this has brought me to question further how we can tell if a friend cares about us. If they do reciprocate. If we are valuable to them, or, if at any moment we might get discarded with yesterday’s junk mail. If they value us for what and who we are and not just what we offer them, or the role we fill in their movie. Because it became clear to me that the supporting actress in this case was never actually going to make it to the credits, no matter how great she was.

My problem in the past seems to have been assuming too easily and too quickly that people don’t care about me because they don’t put in as much effort or time as I do. Believing that if I didn’t feel cared for, the fact was that I wasn’t cared for. I mean, I knew, in most cases, like if I were to die or anything dramatic the friends in question would care and be sad, but short of that, I felt they didn’t care enough to actually let me know via effort before anything extreme happened.

Of course, I know intellectually this stems from insecurity and my feelings were feeding my thoughts and perceptions. If my friends say they care about me, who am I to tell them they don’t? I don’t know what they feel and in those instances saying that I wasn’t feeling cared for would have been more useful than demanding attention to prove that they did care. I have gotten way better at accepting and trusting that a lack of time does not always equate to not caring and being able to accept and trust that those friends do care, although they don’t have as much time to show me. I believe them when they share words or sentiments or appreciate the gestures they can make in lieu of time.

But this latest round of assuming that I was cared for when I wasn’t has knocked me off my feet a little. Ok, to be fair to this person I do know they do care for me, just not enough to choose me at the end of the day. And while I went into this particular friendship with the knowledge that this was always a probability, (her partner doesn’t approve of me) I was still hopeful that it wouldn’t come to choosing, or that if it did, I would stand a chance based on merit.

I guess it was naive and not the first time I have been let down by a friend who chooses a partner over our friendship, to believe that her level of investment in me would be anywhere near strong enough to measure up to a sexual partner. So to say that I incorrectly assumed she cares might not be as accurate as saying I incorrectly assumed it mattered or made any difference. It wasn’t me who asked her to choose anyway, but in similar circumstances I chose her, and so it stung she didn’t care enough to do the same.

That isn’t meant to feed into my hero complex though, because when I chose her, I made the assumption that she needed me. It didn’t matter to me what I needed or wanted, I made the decision I thought was right. She found herself in a position where she had to do the same and she chose what she thought was right. It wasn’t me. But at least now I know she will be ok without me, she doesn’t need my help or support, and maybe she never even wanted it! She has got this. What it does tell me is that I need to make better choices for myself.

Instead of asking what is the “right thing to do” ask myself “what is the right thing to do for myself? What do I want and need from this situation and what is the best choice for me to get it?” Because at the end of the day it actually doesn’t matter who cares about me and who doesn’t if I am looking out for myself. If I care about me, maybe I won’t need to know other people do.

No matter what your friends tell you, there is no guarantee that they care about you. Or that if they do care about you that they will choose you or make the effort. Or even if they care about you today that they will still care about you tomorrow. I want to know people care so I feel less alone, but the truth is, if I was as good a friend to myself as I was to everyone else, I would never feel alone to begin with.

So in answer to my question, how do you know if a friend cares about you? You don’t know for sure. You either believe that they do or you don’t believe it, but a better question is why does it matter?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx