There were those of you who were all 3 of these things at once. You know who you are; Those of you who said “just friends” while interacting with me like lovers and then removing any personal accountability for dashing my romantic expectations by shaming me and blaming my “crush” on you and reinstating the "just friends" rule whenever it suited you.
There were some of you who were strictly platonic, some who were strictly lovers and even a few who were only ever (unrequited) crushes. This letter is for you. All of you.
I do remember the good times each of you brought to my life. I don’t regret meeting any of you. Each of you made me feel so good at one point in time, even if it was short lived. I don’t feel the need to thank you for those positive times though. Partly because I like to believe I also made you feel good, happy and positive - even if only for a fleeting moment, and mostly because I know that I thanked you for those times already when you were still in my life.
Now that you are gone; I want to thank you for all the negativity you brought to my life. Yes, to thank you for it!
Thank you for making me feel not good enough so I could learn that I am enough. Not for you, but for myself.
Thank you for not having appropriate boundaries and therefore highlighting my own lack of boundaries, so I could learn how to be responsible for my own boundaries with others. Thanks also for teaching me what my boundaries are.
Thank you for being everything I don’t want so I could identify what I do want.
Thank you for not respecting me or my time, so I could learn to be accountable for my own lack of self-respect and making sure I do respect my time and that of other people.
Thank you for using my low self-esteem to your benefit so I could learn to understand the reasons behind my own questionable choices in allowing you to use me.
Thank you for not treating me the way I wanted and deserved so I could learn what I do want and acknowledge what I do deserve.
Thank you for not responding to my messages and other communications so I had the time and space to learn how to fill the silence with other people and things I do enjoy. You taught me to go where the love is and I no longer lose sleep over it if people don’t respond for 10 minutes, a day, a month, a year - or ever at all.
Thank you for teaching me to listen to what people do not say, and that if someone wants to talk to me – they will.
Thank you for not thinking I was worth more so I could start to question what I thought I was worth.
Thank you for pointing out that I was overweight and unattractive so I could challenge those views and change the parts of me that I didn’t like, not the parts that you didn’t.
Thank you for challenging me to be better, (in an effort to keep you) so I could learn how much better I can actually be if I want to. (Without you!)
Thank you for not making me happy so I could see it was not your job, or anyone else’s job, to make me happy, that I can make myself happy. I learned the meaning of the expression “The trouble in making other people responsible for your happiness is that then you NEED them to be happy.” I no longer NEED anyone; least of all you!
Thank you for letting me down, disappointing me and blaming my lack of “having a life” for my hurt so I could look at my life and how to make it richer, fuller and more satisfying without you in it.
Thank you for hurting me, so I could learn that difficult emotions pass. I now know that feelings are not facts, and I can indeed live without you.
Thank you for not accepting my sexuality so that I could stand up for it. You were proof that if I stand for nothing I fall for anything. In trying to get you to accept it, I also learned to accept and respect it for myself.
Thank you for being ashamed of me, so I could truly understand that this was much more a reflection of yourself than it was of myself; and for also making me see that I was too bright to exist only in the shadows.
Thank you for saying you loved me but not treating me as if you loved me so I could truly know that love is just a 4 letter word without action.
Thank you for not loving me so I could realise it only mattered because I didn’t love me, and that I needed to start.
Thank you for gas-lighting me so much that I lost trust in you and even began to question my sanity and my reality; so I had no choice but to start listening to and trusting the only thing I had left – my intuition.
Thank you for the painful but necessary lessons. Thank you for being my teachers.
Thank you for inspiring me to go on a journey to love myself. To be all that I can be. To be a person I am proud of, a person I like and a person I am learning to love.
I lost you, but I found something far better; Myself!
I hope you took something away from having known me too. I hope you are happy, because I am. Ironically I think you treated me poorly because you needed to learn these lessons yourself. I no longer love you, but I hope you have found something better, I hope you have learned to love yourself so that you can finally love others.
Thank you for teaching me that I couldn’t be a person anyone could love until I loved myself. Now I do.
Thank you. Thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart.
❤ Love
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Image by Freddy Castro