I want to start this post by stating that many of my friends feel envious that I am a stay at home mum. I wholeheartedly agree that we are very fortunate that this is a financially viable option for us and want to publicly acknowledge how hard my dear husband works to support us and provide a comfortable lifestyle. That said, it was never my intention to stay at home.
Initially the plan was to return to work part time. I was under the impression, perhaps naively so in retrospect, that I could return to my position after maternity leave on a part time basis. Unfortunately that was not the case. It was a full time role, and I would be expected to return on a full time basis or not at all. I chose the latter, obviously, but that was not an easy choice. If I had of known this before I went on maternity leave I would have had time to prepare myself for whatever choice I made, however, with only a week or so to decide, I felt I really had no choice at all.
The first year off, on maternity leave was hard. I was suddenly available during the day while all my friends were at work, and I had a difficult plus one over weekends. While my friends were all planning fancy dinners, I had to be putting the baby down for bed by 6.30pm – because he would only sleep in his cot. (Yes, I made plenty of fairly obvious first time parent mistakes… like patting him to sleep for hours at a time in said cot… groan.) Anyway, my friends were going to movies, talking about dates they went on, and slowly excluding me from group events. I can understand this now, but it was difficult back then. My friends didn’t ask me how I was, only about the baby, although their eyes would glaze over if I actually talked about him. Sadly he was pretty much all I had to talk about.
I attended mothers group… I suppose because I felt I had to. They assigned me one and I thought the health nurse would give me a black mark against my name if I didn’t go or something? So I went. I didn’t bond with the other mothers straight away. It felt so competitive and everyone wanted to talk about how great motherhood was. I wanted to scream that I missed myself. That I didn’t realise how much I would have to give of myself to care for someone who didn’t seem to even recognise me let alone love me. (Autism.) My son wasn’t reaching the same milestones, he was different. But I kept going along, if only because it felt good to be invited, included. But slowly, I did make friendships. One mum who told me it was ok if I didn’t keep breastfeeding just because I didn’t like it, not to mention that he was failing to thrive. I confessed that I was lonely and she arranged some playdates…It helped, like a lot! Twice a week I got out of the house and spoke to other adults.
As people returned to work and mothers group was starting to fade away, I made a strong connection with another one of the other mums. She confessed that she was struggling with the same issues as me, and we went out for coffee, WITHOUT the babies. We realised a part of what we were mourning was our identity and in each other we found it. We discussed our marriages, our parents, our childhoods…. Ourselves. We had our second babies at the same time and we are still close. The subsequent years of parenting were made easier, simply because we had each other.
Still, we both had lives, full of appointments and family and commitments, so while I enjoyed our weekly coffee dates, and still do, I was still isolated, particularly when I wasn’t going back to work. My husband encouraged me to join a playgroup and so I did. Eventually! Oh how I loved playgroup. For at least the first 6 months I hardly spoke to anyone, but I kept going anyway, just to be around people. Eventually, slowly, I made friends. Strong connections with women I am lucky enough to still call friends to this day. At least I was back to having 2 outings a week! Again these friendships grew slowly, staying as acquaintances for a while, then being friendly, to casual friends, to deep meaningful friendships, all of which blossomed after playgroup, because whenever there was a group event, I always showed up. (This is big for me. As I have blogged about previously, I don’t do groups!)
Then it was time for my son to start school, and again, after a few years of general chit chat with familiar faces, friendships slowly blossomed. Some earlier connections had faded away, but new ones were fading in. All because I was THERE. However, my kids are older now, they don’t need to attend any group events and parents don’t stay at parties anymore….
This is probably the first time in my life, where I am not in a situation where I can just show up and make friends by default. I am not working. The kids have their independence somewhat, and I can no longer use them as an excuse to put myself in social situations. This means I have to make a conscious effort to do something to make friends. It can be a bit daunting, making friends with individuals, talking online to strangers, and just generally hoping someone will approach you and save you the effort!!!
Alas, if you want to make friends, you have to DO SOMETHING! Many women my age, decide to study. This is an excellent way to have a place to be around other like minded folks. However it is also expensive, and depends if you have anything you particularly want to study. Some of the women I know who did return to the classroom were disappointed to be surrounded by school leavers rather than peers. That said, some of them did form bonds with the few other mature age students and lecturers. If study isn’t your thing and you can’t fathom meeting people online like some sort of dating service, a hobby group, church, voluntary position in the community or exercise class may fit the bill. Again, if you keep showing up, eventually you will make friends. While I have indeed made a few friends online, not everyone feels comfortable doing this.
It gets even harder, my mum tells me, as you get older. Most, by no means all, women in their 70’s have little interest in study or joining a gym. If they haven’t found religion yet, it’s unlikely that they are going to find it now. Many are not capable of volunteering due to physical limitations, and most of them are not online or on apps for meeting people they don’t already know. But many many of them are lonely. My mother has been lucky, or intuitive enough to nurture the friendships she made at different stages of her life. Friends from the immigration flats they stayed in when they first moved to Australia. Friends from playgroup when I was a child. Friends from my school years. Friends from back home who also moved here. And these people fill her heart. She is lucky to call these people friends, because she has been a friend. Yet, sometimes it is still lonely!
Ergo, what did she do? She joined a meet up club for people over 60. They go once a month for lunch or a coffee. She joined with a friend but they try not to sit together so they can meet new people. While mum hasn’t made any strong connections yet, there are plenty of people there she enjoys chatting to, and if she keeps going long enough… you watch, these people will grow into friends.
When we are younger, we are surrounded by peers, but each year that passes, makes connections slowly more and more difficult to form. So, what is the moral of the story? Show up. Show up to groups. Show up to events. Show up to class, and keep on showing up to the friendships you wish to maintain. Even when they start to feel a bit stale, go through a rough patch, or you’re both busy. If you isolate yourself, you’ll feel isolated…. Plus you never know when an acquaintance seed is going to suddenly sprout into a budding friendship. So show up and find out!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
