Let me start by saying, don’t be that friend!!! Our friends are well meaning, or at least we hope they are. Occasionally they may get us wrong. They may assume we are torn up about our marriage break up even though we actually feel relief, or they may think we are angry with them when in reality we just haven’t had a chance to respond to their message yet. This happens, but with simple communication, these blunders are easily cleared up.
However sometimes we meet someone who seems to insist on telling us how we feel. It may be in small ways, like debating with you if you say you aren’t hungry. “What? You haven’t eaten since we got here, we have been here all day? You MUST be hungry?” And so you go and eat because it seems important to your friend, who probably is hungry and doesn’t want to eat alone. Or it may be in bigger ways like when you express how tired you are because you were up with the baby all night and your friend proceeds to tell you that you actually have depression.
Look, I’m not an expert, if you think maybe you might have depression, then see your doctor about it, but it is possible to just be tired, like you said you were, whether or not you feel depressed! I know from experience how that can affect you. I wasn’t depressed until you said I was, hearing that was depressing! Another example might be when you say you feel fat, for example and your friend pipes up to reassure you that you are not fat! Regardless of your size, you weren’t actually talking about the facts, you were talking about how you feel.
On the one hand, I get it. Empathy requires us to tune in to those around us and feel with them. Put ourselves in their position and feel for ourselves as they might feel. It is a beautiful thing to empathise, and important too. However, we are all individuals so how we feel and respond to certain things might not be how our friend does. Guessing is sometimes the best we can do, if a friend isn’t really talking….. but if she is telling us how she feels, who are we to correct her?
Telling someone how they feel, even if it is well intentioned, is the best way to get them further away from discussing how they feel?! A big benefit of friendships is expressing and exploring our feelings, and there is no right or wrong way to feel about things. Even if you are concerned your friend is suffering depression, listening to them and coaxing them to draw their own conclusions about how they feel, is much more helpful than telling them.
The truth of the matter is, sometimes we aren’t too sure how we feel, or we have confusing and conflicting emotions about certain things. Certain feelings are harder to admit than others. Some people believe anger is an emotion that should not be felt or expressed, some people struggle to admit when they are struggling emotionally and need help, and some people might struggle to admit how they feel about their partner or their sexuality. I know that when I express myself to people and they tell me I am confused, it is a phase or I will grow out of my own queerness, it is unhelpful and uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable. That’s the main reason why people tell you how you feel, because they are uncomfortable with what you have said or what you feel and they don’t want to feel uncomfortable. Alternatively they can’t relate to how you feel and humans like to relate to one another. The other reason they tell you how you feel is because they want you to feel what they feel. They want you to see things their way, which is often so much simpler on the outside looking in, however never as simple when you are in it!
Sometimes out of concern for people, we tell them how they should feel, even if they don’t feel it. We might say we would feel angry if that happened to us, or that they should feel hurt and never trust someone again after a betrayal, or that they should not feel happy in their relationship because we wouldn’t.
The truth is, we never really know how we would feel about any given situation until we are in it, even if we think we know how we would feel. And there is no one way anyone should feel about anything. Feelings are uncomfortable because they aren’t facts. They contradict, change, pass, grow, simmer, explode and wash over us sometimes. And this makes our friends uncomfortable.
To be a good friend, sometimes you have to be uncomfortable with someone’s feelings. Just sit with them and listen. We don’t get to tell people how they feel. But through talking it out, however uncomfortable, we become closer. Essentially we all want to feel heard and validated, but if you are challenging how someone feels, it’s a pretty big sign that you are talking when you should be listening and you aren’t hearing your friend. If that is the case, don’t expect them to hear you either.
So what should you do if your friend tells you how you feel? Ask them if they want to know how you feel about being told how you feel!!! Haha
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
