Best friends! As an adult the term actually makes me cringe, even though the name of my website is Best Friends the ForNever part is important. That said, I agree that Best Friendships exist and when you are in them they are wonderfully warm, rich, rewarding, and they do feel secure, even although in my experience, they aren’t. To be fair, no relationship is, why should friendship be any different.
I used to have best friend’s. Only one at a time, but they changed over the years. At first that came as quite a shock, then for a while I was pleased to be able to report that you could share that intense bond with more than one person although not more than one at a time. As the last one deteriorated I decided that the term best friend was adding unnecessary pressure and expectations to the friendships which was making them near impossible to sustain. Not to mention impacting my other friendships and limiting them due to my exclusive status with someone else.
When I came to that conclusion, that is when my idea for this blog was born. So I do understand how it feels to have a best friend. For me, I have decided to invest in around 5 close friends, each who meets a need and with whom we discuss different albeit personal details of our lives. Many of these women call me their “Best Friend.”
Most of them understand that I don’t feel the same way, not to detract from our friendship, but because our experiences and values are different and I choose to have more than one close friend. I don’t give them priority, but in the same token, I also don’t give it to anybody else, either. I share the same amount of time with them and try to be present with them when we are together. I try to remember details and follow up and be there for them when they need me to be. (I wont lie, this has been tricky to navigate at times when 2 or more needed me at the same time and I had to “choose” which was more urgent, however that happens rarely!)
I guess it is an understanding I have reached with my current friends, that I am non-monogamous and they accept this. However, I do know at certain times, depending on mutual circumstances any one of them can feel like my best friend. Perhaps we have spent a lot of time together recently, supported each other through something similar or shared an experience that has bonded us in a way we wouldn’t have been without it. So while I don’t label it best friends, the feelings are there and I appreciate that they are mutual.
Some of my friends call a few of their other friends best friend’s too. There is nothing wrong with having 3 best friends, if that is how you choose to define it. However, when a friend recently spoke about her best friend, it was the first time I realised, it wasn’t me! Haha Until then I thought she considered me her best friend, and I found myself feeling a bit awkward about it and questioning our friendship and how this other friendship could possibly be closer than ours.
I suppose that is when that exclusive clause comes into effect and causes you to start comparing unnecessarily. I did ruminate on this for a night. I did sit with the uncomfortable feelings of sadness and even jealousy, before it dawned on me that nothing about our friendship had changed. My friend was still open and warm with me and we still enjoyed time together. We were still close and shared intimacy and emotional depth. The whole time I had known her, she had this other best friend. I knew she had this friend, I just didn’t know of their status until my friend casually mentioned it (probably quite by accident) in conversation.
At first I wanted to ask questions about this other friend, and challenge their friendship in some way. Ask my friend to justify and reassure me that I was good too! Haha Thankfully I resisted the urge and acted maturely!
My rumination naturally turned into reflection of all that I enjoyed about this friend and that nothing had to change, liking someone more does not mean liking me less. If the amount she liked me hadn’t changed, and the amount I liked her hadn’t changed, then I decided to swallow it and let the thoughts and feelings pass, and smile to myself and say, if I did have a best friend, maybe it would be her! I expressed that to her and she was really touched, she actually cried and said it meant a lot to her that I valued her so much, and she loved me too.
Really when you have a best friend, what you feel is love. And if they feel it too, it doesn’t matter what you call it, because it is felt not heard. It is between 2 people regardless of status and irrespective of the other relationships they share with others. Friendship is a connection, not a competition.
If you have someone you feel close enough to, that you choose to call them a best friend, then that is special; cherish it, no need to compare it. It is enough as it is. For now, anyway. Enjoy it as long as it lasts!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
NOTE If you have someone who feels you are a best friend and you do not reciprocate the sentiment, take it as a compliment! You are a really special friend to that person, but friendships don’t have to be monogamous or exclusive so don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself to meet their expectations of a best friend. Keep offering what you are, that appears to be enough!
