Have you ever had a friendship where it felt like a bit of a rollercoaster ride? The kind where you are best friends one minute, then don’t hear from them again in months? The kind who tells you they value you more than any other friend, then doesn’t treat you in a way that makes the statement feel true?
I am a relatively organised person. I value things like routine and being on time. Consistency helps me feel secure in this world, and inconsistency triggers insecurity. I am going to go ahead and assume that I am not alone in this. So one of the things I struggle with most is inconsistency in my friendships.
It sounds like I am pretty high maintenance, and you know what, maybe I am, but I do like to think that I am worth the extra effort it takes to make sure I know what to expect from people. If you are consistently late or consistently flaky, then I can handle that. I know to keep my investment in you low, make sure I don’t plan super important events with you and realise when you say 6pm you really mean 7pm.
What troubles me is when our intimacy is inconsistent. When sometimes I feel very close to you then suddenly it feels like you are distant and cold emotionally. I know we all withdraw into ourselves at different times for different reasons, however if this becomes your pattern, I begin to feel punished, used and disposable.
I notice if you are super close with me the same month you break up with someone, and then suddenly become avoidant when you get back together. I notice if I find out some important information through the grapevine that I thought you would have told me yourself, before you told the person I heard it from. I notice when you tell me I am your best friend, then leave my message unread or unanswered for 3 days. (And yes, I did see you were active when I sent it.) I notice if you told me you were working that day to cancel plans with me then later mention that you actually went shopping with someone else. I notice how sweet you are before you ask me for a favour, and how quickly you disappear again after expressing your unending gratitude for my services. I notice when I nurse you through a break up and you reply dismissively to my own relationship concerns.
I value intimacy, basically, and I notice when it isn’t reciprocated in little ways, and the things that people put in place to block intimacy. As I already mentioned, I know we all have days/times even when we need to block out the world and focus on ourselves, to recharge, and only have enough energy to deal with the most urgent things around us. A broadcast isn’t always necessary, and I will do my best to deal with my insecurities alone and remind myself that the whole premise of this blog is basically “calm down, it isn’t about you.” This is true.
Yet time and time again I find myself with people who seem to yo-yo on how much they value my time and attention. I know in some cases, maybe even most of them, circumstances play a part. Naturally someone recently single is more available than someone recently coupled up. So most of the time with these sorts of people, when they are warm it is because of something to do with the other aspects of their lives. If they fell out with someone else, they may be looking for more intimacy. If they are on leave from work they may have more time to fill, for example. Similarly if they just had a baby, they have less time to offer and less emotional capacity because they just took on a higher mental load, or if they have a best friend and I don’t then I might be craving more closeness than they are.
That is all warranted, however, what do you do when someone acts like your best friend one minute, then isn’t reliable when you need a best friend the next? Match their lowest level of investment. Treat this person like a casual friend. Perhaps you have at times shared deep moments and conversations, however that is not the normal for this person and you will be disappointed if you expect it to be.
If you don’t have a low level of investment you will consistently feel rejected each time the cool front returns. It’s not that you can’t enjoy this person for what they offer, you can, but if you expect more than they offer, you will always feel needy, insecure and likely rejected on some level. Awful as it is to admit, we probably all have a ‘sometimes, when I am bored’ friend. If that is true then we are all that person to someone else. So be aware when it feels inconsistent that probably means you like them more than they like you. Neediness will not make this better.
You like them so you can keep a few eggs in their basket… but don’t put them all in there, and don’t be surprised if the ones you do leave there get broken. It isn’t that your friend doesn’t care about you. I am sure they do, it’s just that they don’t care about the friendship to the same level as you do.
Match their level of indifference and see if they notice. Sometimes these people don’t even notice how they are treating you and expect you to be available and will be shocked when you are not at their beck and call. Sometimes it earns not only their attention, but their respect.
You teach people how to treat you, so be available and consistent with friends who are the same with you, and accept that your friendship with someone inconsistent is not going to be as close as you hoped unless THEY make the effort. If they want to, they will.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
