I’m probably not the best person to write this particular post, because I really struggle here…. But then again, who doesn’t? I don’t really know anybody who loves letting their friends down, and that’s probably a good thing. Regardless, sometimes we do let them down! It might be easier to ignore it, especially when you don’t even realise it has happened, but I’m talking about the times your friend directly asks you for something and the answer is going to be a direct no.
It could be anything, from asking you to care for her children, to borrowing money or possessions, to being a bridesmaid at her wedding or hosting her birthday party. Whatever it is, I am sure you have your justified reasons not to oblige, however it is important to remember that even if you don’t, saying no because you just don’t want to is perfectly acceptable.
How you say no, depends on your friendship and how you usually communicate. For example I have a friend with whom I am generally negative and sarcastic. If she invites me to her best friend’s birthday party, I’m for sure going to shut that down with a hard pass, and a snarky comment like “Have you met me? Since when do I enjoy parties or large groups?” However, if this same friend invited me to a party of personal significance to her and it was important to her that I was there, then my approach would be much gentler, and focus on the things I can or would do than the thing I was not willing to do. Say she invited me to her 40th for example? I might say “I know you understand I struggle with groups, and I would much rather celebrate with you privately. I was thinking I could take you on a girl’s weekend away and we’ll make it really special doing all the things you love, just you and I. While I won’t be at your party, I am more than happy to help you plan for it. If we set aside the day before, we can make some platters and go shopping for the wine and decorations then put them all up so on the day all you have to do is get your gorgeous self ready to shine!!”
Now, it depends on your level of investment in the friendship, and also your personal boundaries and limits. Another friend may agree to show up for an hour, or to be the designated photographer so she feels less awkward mingling, or offer a private dinner at her house instead of a weekend. The details are down to you, but I do feel it is best to decide what you are comfortable with and counter offer those. A good friend should respect your boundaries, but if they were to push you, it would be fair to acknowledge their disappointment and validate it, but reaffirm your boundaries. For example you might say “I know you are disappointed that I won’t be there, I’m sorry to let you down, but that’s the best I can offer and I hope you will accept and respect my boundaries on this?”
It is important to note here, you do not have to apologise, and if you do, you are apologising for letting your friend down, not for having your own wants, needs and boundaries. It is also important to be as flexible as you can, without becoming a doormat, because we would hope our friends would do the same for us if the situation were reversed.
If you do have more valid reasons for declining the request, it is up to you if you are willing to share them. Before you do however, ask yourself if it is truly the reason or an excuse, and also if it will be helpful to the situation. For example, if a friend asks you to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, before you quip that you’d love to, but unfortunately you can’t afford all the things that go along with that right now, like a new dress and new shoes, hair and makeup, hens parties, transport etc…. ask yourself if that is truly your reasoning. Because she may get back to you with the news that she intends to cover those expenses and then you’ll feel trapped. Trying to get out of it from here would only prove uncomfortably that you just don’t want to and to add insult to injury, you lied about it. If you feel you aren’t close enough to be asked, for example, is it helpful or necessary to draw attention to this? Obviously your friend thinks you are close enough to ask even if you don’t reciprocate. In that case, you probably aren’t all that interested in the wedding prep or the hens night either, so you might just say “I am really so touched that you would think to ask me to be a part of your special day, and although I am going to decline your offer I really am delighted for you and wishing you all the best in your life together. X”
Now, you do not have to offer an excuse, as tempting as it is, to soften the blow. However many of us want to do that or choose to do that regardless, so if that is part of your strategy, or if the friend in question directly asks why you are declining, make sure your excuse is true, and also about yourself. Again, the apology is optional, and it is about their disappointment not about your failure to deliver. “Sorry to let you down, I understand weddings are a big deal and also very stressful, but that is why I have chosen to decline. I actually already have quite a lot of commitments and stress on my plate at the moment without adding to it. Thank you for understanding. I do value our friendship.” (ONLY if you do actually value it. If you don’t, then you can probably safely assume it will fizzle after this anyway.)
When it comes to lending money, I suggest a firmer strategy, such as “I understand that it wasn’t easy for you to ask, so I am sure you understand it wasn’t easy for me to decline either. My firm belief and boundary is that friendships and finances shouldn’t mix.” If you are willing to offer other supports, by all means tell your friend that. Maybe you would be willing to do a grocery shop for them this week, or maybe you are willing to have them over for a meal, or cook them some food and take it over. Maybe you are willing to pay them for a service instead of loaning, and could suggest they cut your hair, paid, instead? (If they happen to be a hairdresser, you get my drift! Lol) Perhaps you just have some suggestions for how they could earn extra cash? Try not to be patronising, but you could add at the end of your message “If you are looking for extra cash, my friend was looking for a babysitter/dog walker etc ….” (Or whatever opportunity you saw) You could even offer some words of encouragement such as “Things will get better, you will find a way through this, I am here to talk it through and brainstorm alternative ideas if you like.” However at the end of the day, it is not your responsibility to fix this for your friend and you are within your rights just to say no and close the conversation.
As for more menial things, such as babysitting, watering someone’s plants or feeding their animals when they are away, or fixing their computer for them because you happen to be more skilled in the area than they are for example, please remember that no is a complete sentence. I do encourage flexibility and discretion here. If your friend asks you to collect her kid from school because she is stuck at the hospital with her other sick child, this probably isn’t the moment to make your “I don’t want to” debut. A once off, due to unexpected circumstances is totally different to someone taking advantage of you. However if your friend never seems to be able to do the school run because she is disorganised or if you fixed your friend’s computer once because you were there and you could, but now every time it has an issue she brings it over, that is different and when you need to set a boundary.
It is acceptable to say “You seem to struggle to be there on time to pick up your kids from school quite often. Have you looked into after school care because I can’t continue to commit to picking them up several times a week for you?” Or “Have you tried the computer shop around the corner? I heard they were quite good. I was happy to help you the first time, but I think you would be better to start taking it to the professionals for proper help in future.”
Whatever you choose to do, you can validate your friends’ feelings while still respecting your own needs and boundaries. It is always better to say no than to say yes and let the anger and resentment build. And it is better not to tell white lies about why you can’t do something. As tempting as it is, you’ll get tangled in your own web at some point! Learn from my mistakes and just trust me!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
