In line with GALentines Day or PALentines day tomorrow, I wanted to write a post about the importance of platonic pairings and validate the strong bonds of friendship which are just as likely (if not more so) to last a lifetime!
Queer Platonic Relationships (QPR’s) are not well-known or spoken about in our society, however they are more common than you think. So common in fact, that you might even be in one and not even know?! Before you click away from this article because you do not identify as queer, let me explain.
Queer platonic relationships can exist between 2 queer people, however they can also exist between any 2 people of any orientation. My understanding or interpretation of the term is that they are queer in that they are not understood as the typically accepted romantic pairing. In a well defined QPR 2 people acknowledge their pairing to be of significance and priority despite the platonic nature of their connection.
People in existing QPR’s may or may not have external romantic connections, sexual partners and or any other type of relationships. However they choose to be in some way monogamous to a friendship as their primary life partner. They may live together, raise children or animals together, share finances or any other means of partnership usually associated with a married couple for example.
They may be 2 heterosexual women, an asexual woman and a gay man, a heterosexual man and woman or any other pairing that could exist. The point is that they do not define their relationship as romantic but it is the primary relationship. However, I think people are sometimes hesitant to label or discuss it openly – at times, even with each other.
Do you live with your best friend? Do you share finances? Do you automatically know when you need a plus one that this person will be your date? Maybe it isn’t your best friend, or it is but it is technically a sibling, a parent or another relative? Family pairings of this nature are quite common. 2 sisters living together and raising their children as a unit for example? It may have started as a way to save costs, and ended up being everything you didn’t know you wanted or needed. Sure, maybe you both have a lover on the side, but actually, you can’t imagine ever not living with this person. You’re happy with your life in this manner, however unconventional it seems. This works for you.
When the party involved is not a relative, there is sometimes the potential; that it could develop into a romantic relationship, however the general premise is that it doesn’t and never will. The idea is that the lack of physical or sexual intimacy is one of the strengths of the pairing, that they choose each other because platonic love is real and it matters and it is in many ways less complicated….. or is it?
The problem with QPR’s, apart from the fact that they aren’t acknowledged or supported as legitimate partnerships, even if they survive a lifetime, is that when they are not discussed openly between the 2 people, sometimes expectations may differ. Although each of them may talk about the arrangement continuing happily forever, without a real discussion about commitment to that idea, one party may actually still be open to starting a new life with a romantic partner should they meet one who wants this, which can leave their platonic partner blindsided, lost, heart broken and alone.
Not only does this person feel these things, if they have not declared their relationship status as a priority, then it is likely they will also face these feelings alone and be shamed if they attempt to express themselves. Society has this way of minimising friendships and making people feel like they are being dramatic or unkind if they lose a friend to a relationship. And for the person left, it IS a loss. Those feelings are real and valid and they matter. QPR’s are hard to come by actually, so if that is your preferred partnership style, not only may it take years to recover, you may actually never re-partner which is sad.
I want to bring attention to these relationships to validate them and to encourage these conversations. Within the partnership itself, and within their family networks to respect the place of the partner as a platonic partner. And also among the general community because these pairings aren’t invisible, we just tend to fail to acknowledge them.
I’d like to add that the friends in question may not live together, that was purely an example for the article’s sake. They may have individual lives, however the point is that they do have a plus one in this life which shouldn’t be minimised based on the lack of sexual intimacy. Many married couples afterall end up quite comfortably in this category. Just because they were once intimate (we assume) does not make any real difference does it? QPR Partners do often, (although not always) express affection and love towards one another in similar ways to other couples despite the platonic nature of their relationship. (More on that to come soon!)
So let us all acknowledge all relationships and respect our partners and each other. Friendships are relationships if you like it or not. About time we treated them that way don’t you think?
Happy GALentines/PALentinest day for tomorrow folks, don;t forget those yellow roses. In line with Covid, let’s go digital this year, image below! Forward it to your friends tomorrow!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
Just crop out the bottom if you want to use this image!
