The week before last I talked about divorce and the impacts that life change can have on your friendships. It got me thinking of single people and how friendships can be a kind of pairing too. Because people like pairings, don’t they? There is comfort in being a part of a pair. Just like there is comfort in a well-worn pair of slippers on a cold night or your favourite pair of earrings on a much-needed night out! The analogy makes me smile as it reminds me of a friend who had a pair of friendship earrings with her bestie. They each wore one, meaning each were mismatched at their get togethers, however they were mismatched together! Cute idea. Could take off like the BFF charm!
Not for me though, I love earrings and I love them to match! Haha The bigger, brighter and more sparkly, the better. I wasn’t always like that though. As I reflected back on this passion, I found it was only when my son was quite young that I started changing the way I present myself and earrings became a statement piece. I remembered specifically a friend from my mothers’ group and her party for her daughter. She was so well presented. Actually, she was always well presented in her bright clothes and lovely hair. And she always wore the loveliest earrings.
At the risk of sounding all “single white female” I think in many ways I began to emulate this friend. I related to her as a bigger woman. I loved her welcoming nature, and her confidence. She wasn’t afraid to take up space in this world and watching her enabled me to emulate some of that and allow myself to stand out more too. It was uncomfortable at first. So, I started small. I started with earrings. Then brighter colours and matching shoes. Then better fitting clothing and tops as opposed to t-shirts and hoodies. In talking to her recently I thanked her for that positive influence she had on me, and the person I became as a result of that confidence.
And although it shouldn’t have surprised me, what she reflected back was less positive. That her partner at the time was abusive, and he held her to a high standard of dress. That she had felt less worthy, and now she valued a partner who loved her just as much in her hoodie as in her heels. It dawned on me during that conversation that I had fallen for the glitz and glam of her presentation. That I had made assumptions and compared myself negatively at the time. That the woman I was emulating was not the woman I thought she was.
The outcome for us both has been powerfully positive of course. That said, it highlights that we often make unfair comparisons between ourselves and our friends when we don’t actually know the full truth. Nobody knows what anybody’s life is really like behind closed doors or how happy anyone really is day to day. It is almost as if we have a bias to assume everyone else is much happier and better off than ourselves. We criticise our own reality instead of questioning the ones we see presented to us from others.
My mothers group friend and I grew closer over the years. I did not learn in that conversation that her ex was abusive and held her to a high standard. I knew those things already, although I did not know them when I began emulating her. What was interesting was that I thought she held the secret for feeling good about yourself, and I wanted in on it. Whereas she was looking at my life and thinking how lucky I was that my partner allowed me to wear a hoodie and eat as many slices of cake as I wanted without comment. How lucky I was that I could be myself.
Neither of us, at that particular time in our lives saw the truth of the other. That I desperately wanted to try harder but felt I was not permitted as a bigger woman. That she was trying desperately hard and it exhausted her never being good enough because she was a bigger woman. I don’t regret this emulation of my friend, and I am happy that she has found someone to love her as she is, even if it means I am the one who always wears lipstick these days not her. However, it shows that we could have maybe been more helpful to one another if we had each seen the pain behind the other’s smile. If we had of spent time asking questions instead of making assumptions.
Maybe we would have learned much sooner that each of us is just fine as we are, however we present and whatever size we are, regardless of how many slices of cake we eat! Oh, and how we love to eat cake!! Cheers big Ears… or should that be earrings. Your friendship changed me, changed my life and made me happier. However long it took us to learn our worth, I am grateful that we did, and we did it together. What a pair!! Haha
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
