For the last few weeks I looked at opposite gender friendships, which got me thinking about couple friendships. As I have a few close friends who are either divorced, divorcing or separated and I have noticed that all of them have reported that this somewhat personal change has had an unexpected carry-on effect into their social circles too. I wanted to write about this to explore some of the reasons that this may be.
It would be easy to assign blame to your couple friends in this scenario. You might assume that they no longer hold you in high regard, or don’t wish to be tainted and painted with the same ugly brush that could impact their social standing. Certainly, it would be easy to jump to the conclusion that you have fast become one of the people they talk about rather than the person that they talk to. Alternatively, if you tend to see the good in people, you might try and reason that the couple feels uneasy around you now, or that they have split loyalties and it is easier or more comfortable not to see either you nor your soon to be ex. You might try to be forgiving that perhaps they no longer know what to say, and that they do not know if discussion of the topic is too taboo. Or that they don’t want to rub salt in your wound with their happiness.
All of these reasons have merit. I cannot speak for your individual couple friends any more than I can speak for you personally or any of the reasons you find yourself in this predicament. What I have observed however, are a few general patterns which seem to play out in these circumstances. And most of them have more to do with the separated persons than the couple friends. Which makes sense, when you think about it, doesn’t it? They are the ones who have changed ultimately.
While change is not usually a bad thing, it certainly does make many people uncomfortable. Humans tend to be creatures of habit who prefer to live in the realms of our comfort zones. So, while you navigate a whole new terrain, it wouldn’t be unusual for some people to cling more tightly to their comfortable life, out of fear more than anything that this could happen to them too. However, as I said, this usually is more about you than them.
As a newly single person, you have probably noted a shift in your needs, wants, expectations and comfort levels. While you perhaps didn’t give friendship much time or effort in the past, it may suddenly hold a newer higher priority in your life that it didn’t before. No longer do you spend your evenings with the inbuilt comfort of your spouse for company. Perhaps it is the case that you now seek time and attention during the evenings or weekends where you didn’t before. And it can be a sore realisation that people you considered friends are not as interested in entertaining this request – preferring to stay in with their partner as they usually do. Half of the reason this is sore, is because it can feel like abandonment, as if your friend does not care or understand what you are going through enough to inconvenience themselves. The other reason it is sore, is because you may begin to realise in similar situations beforehand, you may have acted similarly.
Even if you are still willing to meet up with them together as a couple, one member of the couple may now feel somewhat out of place. This could be because of aforementioned divided loyalties, or it may just be because the topics that interest you now are uncomfortable for them. I will use a heteronormative example of a husband and wife, although the same concept applies to most pairings. What if one of the separated persons has started dating. They are excited by this change and wish to discuss it. This conversation would be more typical between the two persons of the same gender than an open exchange between all 3 remaining parties. If you are a woman, you may feel uncomfortable discussing openly your physical explorations with someone new in front of your friends’ husband, for example. Or if you are a man, you may be reluctant to express your casual encounters with your friend’s wife.
Friendship with a single person tends to become somewhat more intimate or private, or personal even in nature. As such, it is likely that you would rather see one member of the couple more than the other. Even if you have no animosity towards them because you understand their predicament, it would be reasonable to assume you would seek out more relatable and available friendships moving forward.
Your divorced colleague at work might become more interesting, sharing stories over a drink after work might blossom into a friendship that otherwise would not exist. Hanging out with the younger crowd now you are more available might become the new normal. Single parents’ groups and carpools may become a priority as you search for new communities with a sense of belonging. Just as you once used to feel with your coupled counterparts.
Chances are high that you used to value the lower maintenance of your couple friends, and the ease at which you could catch up a few times a year and always seem just as close. However, it is that same distance that now separates you, because as a separated person your needs have changed. And if it seems that they have taken the side of your ex, the likeliest reason is because your ex has turned to them and asked for more. Of course, sometimes it is a simple as feeling a bit sore and not being ready to face a happy couple, and as a result the friendship just slowly and naturally fades away as you drift away from it.
Divorcing a spouse doesn’t have to mean divorcing your whole life though. Much of the time it appears my divorced friends were too timid, to wary of demanding too much or asking for more. They assumed their friends would not be available, or were too worried of rejection to ask. If this resonates with you, perhaps they would love an excuse for a night out on the town? Just because they are married does not mean their life is over or they cannot have fun, with or without their partner?
It would be a shame to lose good friends unnecessarily. Maybe you will be in a new couple one day and in search of couple friends once more? Or maybe you will see a wilder side to them that you didn’t see before. Don’t assume they won’t be there for you without at least asking them to be. But forgive yourself too, if you prefer the company of other singles. Just remember, they are unlikely to stay that way.
My husband and I get along very well with our single friends. I spend time with them alone, as does he sometimes too, and we enjoy having a third to share opinions, laughs and play games with. It is only as awkward as you make it. I think we should all remember to make time and space for each other regardless of romantic status and stop putting all our eggs into the relationship basket. Friendships are the real relationships that matter. None of us know what our romantic future holds, after all. For that reason alone, friendships are a fine investment.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
