Over the last 2 weeks I explored a hypothetical, but common enough issue between 2 friends, Jessica and Yazmin. You can read these by clicking on their names if you missed them.
Regardless of which character you “sided with” or related to, both are valid. Jessica put much time and effort into spending time with Yazmin and felt that Yazmin did not appreciate her or treat her with the consideration and respect that effort warranted. Yazmin wished she had more time to put more effort and energy into being a better friend, however her life circumstances were such that she didn’t have the availability to show Jessica the attention and give her the time that she needed from Yazmin.
Jessica felt disrespected and unappreciated. Yazmin felt pressured and misunderstood. Neither woman really expressed herself to the other. Jessica didn’t tell Yazmin that she was really disappointed she could no longer keep their plans because of all the effort she had gone to. Yazmin did not know how much the evening had meant to Jessica. Yazmin thought it was a casual dinner with a friend, not a big deal.
Yazmin did not explain to Jessica all the other commitments she had in her life, or that day in particular. Jessica did not know it wasn’t particularly convenient for Yazmin to come to dinner, and all the other factors that may play into her availability for it. Neither one of them really considered what else might be happening with their friend.
If we consider that Jessica could have said in response to Yazmin’s text “Oh no! That is terribly disappointing! Can’t you even swing by and pick up some dinner in a take home pack, I am happy to give you some. I spent all day planning and preparing it and I would hate for it to go to waste. Sounds like you could use it. Or I could bring it to you if that is easier, that way we could still catch up? Shame you wont get to see my house otherwise, I cleaned like a mad lady today to impress you. It will never be this clean again! Haha” The outcome for their friendship could have been much better?
Jessica was so busy thinking about herself and her hurt feelings, that she allowed a cancellation of plans to become a cancellation of their friendship.
But let’s not put it all on Jessica either. It takes 2 to tango after all. Let’s think about what Yazmin could have done. Yazmin could have called Jessica while waiting at the pharmacy and explained where she was and why. All that had led to that point in her day and all that she still had to do. She could have asked Jessica what she had prepared for dinner, then apologised and asked to reschedule for the next night or something if the dish could be frozen perhaps. She could have commented how much she appreciates all the effort Jess goes to and how patient she has been with Yasmin when she is so unavailable at the moment. She could have asked if there was any way she could make it up to Jessica and thanked her for her friendship. Reminded Jessica of how important she is as a friend. She could have asked about Jessica’s news.
Yasmin was so busy self loathing and being defensive to really consider why this was a big deal to Jessica. She didn’t even consider that Jess may have spent all day planning or had something important to discuss. She was busy thinking about how much was on her own plate, she got lost in what she couldn’t do instead of thinking about what she could manage. (A regular weekly phone call for example?)
Communication was lacking, certainly, but that is not all. Each woman’s feelings were dictated by her thoughts and her thoughts became actions. Emotions have this way of overcoming us, and then we react to them, without considering what the other person’s truth actually is.
Now, obviously if Yazmin often cancels, Jessica should take that into account when it comes to plans with Yazmin. She should lower not only her effort and investment to match a level Yazmin can sustain, but also her expectation of Yazmin. If she is Yazmin’s friend, she needs to care about Yazmin’s time constraints and understand that her lack of time is not a personal attack. And that she cannot control the outcome in her favour by putting in all the effort in the world, because the world is bigger than her.
Similarly Yazmin needs to be more considerate of Jessica’s need to feel connected and spend time with Yazmin. Although Yazmin can’t commit to long lunches, regular phone calls or email updates still show someone that you are making an effort and showing an interest in them too. She should put in more effort to match Jessica’s level of investment. If one comes down a notch and one comes up a notch they meet in the middle instead of ending up completely over because the other would not meet her on her own level.
This falling out was avoidable. Both of them valued the other, neither of them wanted it to end, and yet, it ended. Both of them were hurt. Both of them felt rejected, misunderstood and abandoned.
So readers, I challenge you, and myself, to be better. To question my feelings, and explore the other possibilities. To try and understand our friends better and think of what they need just as much we think about what we need. Then how to compromise and get both needs met in some way if possible.
That is different to ignoring consistent poor treatment, or lack of boundaries. It is asking for what you need, asking what it is they need and allowing them a chance to show you that you can both compromise enough. You can tell yourself that you shouldn’t have to beg your friend for time, or justify that you really are too busy and important for petty upsets like these, but Dr Phil said it best. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
Sometimes friendship means loving someone more when they least deserve it, as that is when they most need it.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
