I have written here before about the magical number of friends I believe it takes to keep us happy. (Spoiler alert, the answer is 5, if you ask me!) I have also written about the benefits of this. About how you need someone who shares similar interests, someone who shares a sense of humour, someone who relates to your struggles, someone you can be fully yourself with, and someone with whom you share it all. I have compared friendships to romantic relationships and reminded readers not to expect one person to meet every single need they have, in either relationships or friendships.
All of that is sound advice and I live my life by it. However, recently I have noticed a pattern in my own life, whereby I seem to expect my friends to accept that they are my team members, to expect to share me with the other members of my team, and to understand each of them brings a unique value to my life, depending on what I need at the time. Whereas, I noticed that I have not really been accepting of the same in return.
Isn’t that interesting? Even more interesting is how long it has taken me to acknowledge this, even to myself. While I have come to a peaceful place about accepting none of my own team members can be, or should be, expected to meet every one of my needs, I was still holding myself to impossible standards about meeting every one of theirs.
And this works both ways!
Now, it sounds like this is going to be a post about being a crappy friend, because they have other people too, right? But it isn’t, I promise! Haha I still believe in being a good friend, in meeting the needs that I can. What I mean, is allowing space for their other friends to meet the needs that I cannot. To accept that there are needs that I cannot meet. For example, I pride myself on being a non-judgemental space for my friends to tell me anything and everything. This tends to mean that they do. Close conversation, being a safe space to turn to, or being a soft place to land is my specialty. All of my favourite 5, are people that tell me pretty much everything. They all call me a best friend, even if that label is not an exclusive title.
What this means, however, is that sometimes I find myself feeling slighted when they actually turn to someone else. When space grows between us at times, I find myself wondering, what I did wrong, or what I could do better in the future to avoid this space. It has only just recently occurred to me to view myself as a member of their team. I suppose, as opposed to seeing only them as members of my own.
Everyone has their own team! I am one option, not the only one. And I might not always be the right fit. I have one friend who tends to withdraw into herself when she is going through something. Her withdrawal frightens me. Makes me wonder why she isn’t talking to me. Triggers my insecurities I suppose. If I find out she was hanging out with someone else at the time of her withdrawal from my own life, I wonder why she felt she couldn’t turn to me and talk it through.
I will be here when you need me, and wait for you when you don’t, or when you need someone else instead.
This is narrow minded, I realise. Because obviously my friend is not yet ready to talk it through. Maybe what she needs is to laugh with her funny teammate. Or perhaps she needs to busy herself in hobbies with her shared interests team member? Both of these seem obvious, when I say them out loud like this, yet, honestly the simplicity has been lost on me until now. I have honestly thought about how I could be more fun, or what interests my friend and I could share, so she could still turn to me. It sounds ridiculous now.
Sure, I could be more fun or share more hobbies. Being a more well rounded friend, or even person, should always be encouraged. However, when I think about it, I have my own people I turn to for those things. So it seems a double standard for me to expect to be the person to whom she turns to at all times if she isn’t always the person I turn to either. And to take it personally is only hurting our friendship, and, well, me! Instead of viewing my friend as a whole person, I am only seeing her through the lens of the role she plays in my life. Does that make sense?
I guess it would be fair to say that I obviously get a sense of validation from my friends. Although I can’t say if that is entirely healthy, I suspect it isn’t. I also suspect it’s fairly common and fairly normal, to an extent. However when I expect to be a friends everything, I stop seeing her as a person and instead see her as a source of personal validation. My desire to be the person she always turns to becomes about me being a good friend rather than about her and what she actually needs.
So, I conclude, I need to acknowledge that I am a member of her team every bit as she is a member of mine, and be grateful for that opportunity. Not to mention to be grateful for the others on her team for fulfilling her in ways that I can’t. To acknowledge that I don’t have to and it doesn’t make me a bad friend.
If you can relate to this too, I’d say that our insecurities have prevented us from understanding what our friends already do. Simply put, we are enough, just as we are. We don’t have to be more, to be everything to be valued. Be the best you that you can be, and you are the best friend that you can be.
Trust that when you are what your friends need, they will turn to you. When they need to turn to someone else for a while, figure out what it is YOU need, and which of your team members can fulfil you in that need. Remember that while you are a part of your friends team, you also have a whole team to support you. There is no I in team! Haha
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
