Following on from last week, this week I am still discussing mothers in particular and how much they need friends…..Does that make them needy friends?
First we should look at some words that come with the title “Motherhood.” Obligations. Expectations. Commitments. These are also a pretty accurate representation of how a mothers time is spent. So little of our involvement with others is about choice. We must make sure we meet the needs of our children, our partner, our extended families. Even happy occasions like celebrations become a chore of pleasing everyone involved. You find yourself choosing what you should choose, without even questioning what you want. Want is a moot point. You have forgotten it matters what you want. You have forgotten what you want at all in some cases.
As the first of my small group of friends to have a baby, I needed them more than ever. They were the only remaining link that tied me to myself, and while they did listen to me talk about motherhood, they also still spoke to me about other things, work, romance, the news, money, travel. There was no competition, as they couldn’t really relate to my struggles, they just took my word for it. I was lucky they kept in touch, even though I did have to sit back and watch them still enjoying the freedoms I had given up, which was hard. They would see me during the day and then return to their fun free lives without a second thought to leaving me behind. It was assumed I couldn’t or wouldn’t want to join in, so invites were less frequent. At least I still got to hear about their adventures without me I suppose.
As my son approached school age, he was diagnosed with special needs. This meant appointments with lots of specialists trying to help him, while I had just had my second child. Both of these things meant the light that was school at the end of the tunnel was dimmed for another few years as we struggled through these times with both the kids. Busy is an understatement, and I began to understand the meaning of the Curtis Stigers song; To Be Loved. Quote
“Find a man that can provide
Try and fill the hole inside
With a family and a home
Tell yourself you're not alone
Keep your memories of yourself
In a shoebox on a closet shelf”
Read more: Curtis Stigers - To Be Loved Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Put your memories of yourself in a shoe box on the closet shelf. How accurate.
And that is again, where friendships come in. They are the only relationship that exist purely out of choice. Yes circumstance and convenience play a role, however, choice is the deciding factor!
Our friends are not obligated to us, as much as it might feel that way occasionally. They are the only relationships that exist where we are not seen as an extension of someone else, or expected to compromise who we are in order to be with them. They allow us to be fully who we are, and they LIKE us. They don’t have an investment in us being successful, rich, single or married, thin, fat, ugly, pretty, fit, a perfect parent or anything else. They don’t want us to be perfect because then they don’t have to be either. These are the people we make time for because we want to. They are the people who care about our likes, interests, hobbies and like to cheer us on or commiserate with us and share their highs and lows with us. There is no pressure to impress them, to make them proud, not to let them down, to get it right, or to have sex with them! There is less expectation in general. All they want is our time, the pleasure of our company. How refreshing. They are the people who help us remember who we are. They listen to us vent about our lives without trying to fix it or telling us “I told you so!” They are the ones who encourage us to chase our dreams and remind us our happiness is important rather than point out all the potential things that could go wrong. These are the people who choose to make time for us, which helps us make time for ourselves.
They say friends are the family you choose for yourself. I think they are better than that because they are not family! They are not bogged down in the unimportant things like how messy you are or if you are really ready to date again after the separation and how you should focus on the children. They are the people who are in your corner, even when you are wrong and the people who build you up again when life breaks you down. They are the people who validate you and fill your emotional cup. Not because of anything you do for them necessarily, or by default because they have to, but just because they value you as a person. Friends are the people who see us as individuals separate to our other roles in life. Ironically their lack of investment, and their enthusiastic interest anyway turns out to be just what we need to feel fulfilled.
There is a parenting model called the circle of security which outlines that children need parents to “delight in me” (amongst other things) to become adults with secure self-esteem. It basically means “love me for who I am outside of any achievements or anything you gain from it. Just enjoy me.” I need to work on this with my own kids, and I am. It is about filling their emotional cup. That is a hard thing to do if the cup you are filling from is actually empty. It prompted me to think of the people who most fill my cup (or any mothers cup) and delight in ME?! That would be my friends! Yes, my husband does delight in me, and I am lucky he does. That said, he also gets to “fill my cup” in other ways in return, ahem, if you know what I mean (apologies for the visuals, haha) and that takes away from the joy somewhat. He gets something out of it. So do my friends – I also delight in them!
As a mother it often feels like everybody needs something from me. Often more than I have to give. As I write this, the cat has basically plonked himself on my face, and he will return promptly when the kids go to bed. After I fend him off my husband will be expecting my attention. I will probably get an email from my mother asking why I didn’t respond to her last email and when I will be spending time with her not just asking for babysitting. I will make a mental note to email her back in the morning after I drop the kids at school and before the internet technician comes over. When he fixes the problem I will go online and pay the bills and do the banking. I will be adequately stressed when I meet my friend for lunch, but I will feel adequately relaxed after I leave. I am a lady who lunches. People roll their eyes at this, but It is my lifeline and my connection to myself, so I can go on filling the emotional cups of the other people in my life, if they chose me or not!
Along with this, more and more, I learn to remember to follow my heart and dreams too. This helps me learn how to be more mindful to stay present and fill my own emotional cup when my friends just can’t. Mostly because their life is just as busy as my own with multiple demands on their time! This is important. We do Need friendships. But there shouldn’t be much “need” in your friendships, or you will just become another obligation. We choose to enter friendships and being too needy is one certain way to ensure people choose not to enter them with us, or alternatively end them. We need friendships to learn who we are outside of pressure and expectation, and to learn to like and love ourselves. Once we can do that, we don’t need much at all from anyone, and ALL our relationships benefit from this! If you are feeling needy, check your emotional cup and ways you can fill it outside of one particular person, preferably on your own. Remember to take down that shoebox and be a person you love again, not just someone who loves everybody else.
<3 Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
x
