Last week we talked about Ghosting and all the reasons why a friend may choose to exit your life without a word. I wrote that post because “why” is one of the biggest questions that is typically left on your mind after a ghosting. Once you have reached a certain level of acceptance, but before you reach closure, it is likely the next lingering question on your mind is “will they ever contact me again?”
I can’t answer that question exactly, as I don’t know you, or your friend, or the circumstances. What I can tell you is that if they do enter your life again, the chances re high that they will use a move referred to as the zombie. In short, this means that they just reappear, start talking to you again, almost as if they never left to begin with. If they do acknowledge the absence, typically it will brushed off, taken lightly, and often somehow intended to imply that the silence was mutual and inconsequential. For example, one day they may just message you and say “Hey stranger, long time no speak, how have you been?”
Almost immediately the onus and pressure is on you, to go along with this rouse and pretend everything is fine and you never noticed their absence. How you feel about this might vary from anger, relief, confusion, sadness, elation or even a sense of numbness. You will likely feel conflicted, a range of all these things at once, and I advise you take time to contemplate your response to this. However, it isn’t always possible. Sometimes the person catches you off guard, on the phone, or even in person, typically in public. It might be after a week of silence, a month of silence, a year of silence, or a decade or more.
This robs you of your opportunity to contemplate your response and regulate your emotions. Social pressure may force you to politely conform or your emotions may overwhelm you and you may cry, hug and express sorrow or tell them that you missed them. I want to reassure you that all responses are normal, there is no right or wrong way to react to a zombie. It is also normal to later question, or regret you initial reaction. You weren’t prepared for this! (If this hasn’t happened to you yet, and you think it is possible, formulating your response in your mind may help you feel a sense of control, although whatever you plan to say may well escape your mind at the moment of surprise.)
When this happened to me, I found it somewhat discombobulating to be honest. To say it caught me by surprise is an understatement. My friend and I crossed paths several times every week as we both attended the same organisation. It had been 18 months and for that whole time we had pretended not to see each other. Neither one of us had acknowledged the other. On the odd occasion we were forced to interact, we spoke briefly about only the matter at hand and went our separate ways. I actually found seeing this person at all quite painful, although they seemed, on the surface at least, as if they had completely forgotten we had ever been more than polite strangers to begin with.
Then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, they just struck up a casual and unnecessary conversation. They told a joke and I laughed, they told me I was looking good, and they walked away. Initially I felt really good about this, but later when I got home I was annoyed at myself for laughing, for letting them get away with just speaking to me casually, and for letting them believe that I was ok with this. I let it simmer in my mind, and decided they obviously wanted to reconnect, felt badly about our split and didn’t know how to address the issue. I thought they would follow through with something of more substance. All that ensued was more casual conversation. And it angered me more and more. My friend seemed to want us to be casual friendly acquaintances whereas I wasn’t ok with this at all. I wanted us to continue ignoring one another or to reconcile.
More than that, I wanted answers… but honestly what I wanted most was an apology! An acknowledgement of the rift, and some sort of clear plan forward. I did not like this unknown limbo land I had stumbled into and I wanted out of it. I had to sit with this for some time and decide what I wanted. Sift through the confusing and conflicting emotions and decide what I wanted. I could not force my friend to apologise, to reconcile or to give me the explanations and answers I craved. All I could do was either accept it as it was, discontinue engaging or try and pursue more. I reflected that the silence between us had been painful for me, because I had never accepted the ending of us. I had wanted my friend to follow through because I wanted to reconcile. Therefore I had to act in a reconciliatory way.
For me this meant, I didn’t address the issue head on. I reflected on the things I had thought of during our time apart, the parts I may have played in our parting. My mistakes, things I wished I had handled differently and I knew if I went in hostile, making demands of explanations and apologies, it was counterintuitive to the new friendly tone my friend was trying to create and that I wanted to nurture, ultimately. So I reached out, I apologised, I asked to catch up. We rebuilt, and to be honest, we never really talked much about it ever again. I had to rise above it, let it go and put my ego aside, swallow my pride and realise it was in the past and that is where I wanted to leave it. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.
Your case may not be the same. You may decide to disengage, you may decide to ask for answers, you may or may not reconcile. You may be too hurt, offended by the idea they could just walk in and out of your life like it never mattered. I can’t tell you if your friend will ever reach out to you again. You can’t control that. You can only control yourself. So my best advice is to prepare yourself for the zombie apocalypse and how you’d like to respond based on what you would like to happen. Revisit that mindset occasionally to see if your feelings about it change, as it may well do over time. You don’t have to allow a zombie back into your life, you may never trust them enough again! All you can do is act in a way that you are happy with and that is congruent with your values. It’s not wrong to ignore a zombie, they taught you how to ghost after all! The choice is yours to make. I don’t regret mine.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
