Some people are planners and some people are more vague, uncommitted and “go with the flow” kind of people. When two of these types of people meet and become friends, they can easily feel frustrated by one another. It is common for the planner to feel let down by the vagueness while the more flaky friend can easily feel pressured and trapped. So while they like each other, the friendship can be stressful to maintain.
I am a planner type. So I like to know my plans in advance and make decisions accordingly. I know a good friend of mine is not like this, she can be flaky as she tries to fit in with her family and be available to them. This impedes her ability to commit to plans with friends. I totally understand this, so I try to be flexible and accommodating to her. However, earlier in our friendship, her flakiness was definitely an issue for me, and we struggled to find even ground to build foundations.
I often felt as though I was powerless and “waiting around” for her, in case she happened to be free, and was consistently disappointed and resentful of the days I wasted hoping she might make some time to spend together. It meant for me, that I was saying no to other opportunities because I had committed to plans with my flaky friend, while she was saying yes to the other opportunities and only seeing me if nobody else was available.
It’s not as simple as saying I was making her a priority while she was treating me as an option… (the last option!) Because she had her family responsibilities and her family were relatively dependent and demanding of her, and I do understand that they do, and should, come first. But it still challenged my limits of flexibility. As a planner, I like to buy tickets ahead of time, plan out the meals, make bookings and have an idea of how the time will be spent.
I see value in spending time on these things in advance, so things go to plan and you are free to enjoy exactly what you had planned. It brings me happiness when you can set a time to leave the house, roll up at the venue knowing it is booked and paid, and be really present in the activity and the person you are with. If it is an option, I will look at the menu online in advance so I don’t waste time there deciding and I can continue the conversation with my friend.
So it is stressful and anxiety producing for me, to just show up at the venue on the night and see if they have tickets available etc…. And I will plan my day around it accordingly. So if we said we were going to go see a movie, at 10am, I will get the tickets in advance, I will pack a bag of movie snacks and drinks because I am frugal, I will get up early and do my morning exercise in time, and I will book a place for lunch after the movie depending on which cinema we are attending. But if we just say “we might go see a movie next week…” I don’t know what time to be ready, what dining venues are going to be nearby, if tickets will be available etc….. As I have children, those details matter. Do I need to organise babysitters? What will they eat while I am out? It’s fair to say I prefer to feel in control of the outcomes so I can relax.
But that means my friend might be hesitant to commit to an activity with me, knowing that I want to pin it down early, and invest in it, and she will be causing distress to me if she can’t make it, or causing distress to her family if they happen to need her help. So therefore, me even suggesting plans might make her stressed, and if she says something non comital, she knows I will push for more information and she will feel pressured. It’s hard to make a friendship work when both people feel stressed about spending time together.
In time, I learned to accept my friend would be late, almost every time, and trust that she would do her best to commit to plans but I would need to be flexible in changing them if possible. She learned I needed her to commit to time together, even if how that time was spent was more flexible. So we might agree to go for dinner next week, but then if she has to babysit for one of her nieces and nephews, we can go to a family friendly venue, or just go to her place, and I can plan my day around the fact that I wont be home that day either way. Or we make plans to go to the casino, for example, or other venues that don’t require a booking or a specific time and date or any real planning on my part.
However, recently I found myself frustrated again when I said yes to a wishy washy plan. She had said she needed to stay close to home on a certain day, for medical reasons. I asked her if she wanted me to come up and keep her company, and she seemed happy about the suggestion initially and then said she had to speak to her mother first and would get back to me. I said I would be available if she wanted company, I didn’t have anything planned for that day, but was happy to play it by ear. I would either be at home, or at her house, it didn’t feel like it mattered and I just told her we would talk about it later.
However, the morning rolled around, and I was going to enjoy a sleep in, until I remembered that I may be going out so I decided I better get up and get moving. After my morning exercise I decided to pack the kids a lunchbox as I might not be home at lunchtime and that way there would be something to quickly pull out and easily feed them. I made their breakfast, showered and dressed for the day. By the time I was ready, it was about 9.30am. But I was still unclear if my friend was actually expecting me. I decided it was probably a little early for my friend yet, and just to wait a little before I might hear from her.
But I even struggled to fill that time, because I didn’t want to start writing if I wouldn’t have time to finish, I didn’t know if I had time to run a load of washing or watch a movie etc…. So I pottered about the house, cleaned the bathroom (which was no bad thing) and took some things out the freezer to defrost for dinner. But when my daughter asked if her friend could come over, I couldn’t answer, because I didn’t know my own movements. When I presented them with the lunchboxes at lunch time they had complaints because they prefer a hot meal made for them if I am home with them. (Yes, entitled spoiled children, I know!) So I began to get frustrated that I had planned my day around maybe going to my friends place and she hadn’t even let me know.
Venting to someone about my frustration, it was pointed out to me, that I was not controlling my narrative. I should not have agreed to wishy washy plans and said “we can talk about it later.” I could have called my friend and asked her the plan, or I could have made my own plans and then said to my friend if she called, “I am doing xyz, but after that we can meet up.” Instead I put my time in the hands of my friend, who is probably too concerned about her medical thing to have even considered me, didn’t care too much either way if she had my company, and probably hadn’t even thought or remembered about our conversation about it. Instead I waited all day in limbo and that is my fault.
So if you have a flaky friend, or even if you are the flaky friend, you can control your narrative, by being clear about what you will do, and not living to the other person’s standards. You should work together as a team, and take control of your own time, and how you spend it and with whom. If my friend makes plans with me, and they are cemented, she will tell her family that she can’t help. I appreciate that because I know it isn’t easy for her, and she’d probably rather be helping them. If I make plans with my friend, I need to be accountable for how flexible I am and making sure I am not over investing or waiting around, if she hasn’t committed, I don’t have to either.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
