In the last few weeks I have talked about my abandonment issues and my need to be liked. This week I am wanting to explore how my focus on hiding myself to be liked, has led me to find myself in friendships with people who are in some way avoidant. My inability to end friendships with people I didn’t like, and my inability to actually discern who liked me and who didn’t. Not only that, but my inability to discern who was interested in being friends with me and who wanted more. Mostly my inability to actually know who I liked and what I wanted and act on that.
I knew I had sexual feelings towards the first girl I kissed, but it was her who made the first move, got us into an intimate position and had the bravery to be honest and say “It feels really nice cuddling up with you.” Looking back, maybe she just wanted to know, was I gay? I’m sure she felt my eyes dancing all over her body. But I never would have done more than look without her invitation.
I knew I didn’t appreciate one friend’s sense of humour or entitlement, but I was unable to admit to myself that I didn’t like her.
I knew I wasn’t interested in my first fiancé. There was a misunderstanding as we sat on the bench side by side. I placed my hand down to shuffle myself over and away from him, but his hand was there, and he thought I was trying to hold it, and he grabbed on. I knew I didn’t want to be holding his hand, but I couldn’t find the words to extricate myself from the situation. I knew I didn’t want to marry him, but I didn’t know how to say so. (Obviously I eventually found the words, but if I had found them that first night, I could have saved us both a lot of rubbish.)
Those were not bad people, not unavailable, I was just unable to reveal what I really wanted or felt and or didn’t want or didn’t feel. If they liked me, how much I liked them, how I wanted or didn’t want them to act towards me wasn’t important. What they wanted was important. Being liked. Being accepted. At all costs.
But in time, I would find people who didn’t seem to like me. I don’t know if they didn’t, for sure, but they seemed aloof, disinterested. They withheld attention. I don’t know if they saw through me, but something about their disinterest and dislike captivated me. I needed to prove to them that I was good enough, if they needed me to earn their trust and attention, it was an irresistible challenge. The less they liked me, the more I seemed to like them. Perhaps I believed they saw me as I saw myself and I feared that if I couldn’t win their approval my worst fears about myself being unworthy and unlikeable would be true.
I also felt these individuals were in some way better than me, cooler, badder, more secure in who they were and didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thought about them. These people seemed to possess something that was out of my reach, and so I thought they too, were out of my reach. In each stage in my life, perhaps they represented whatever it was I aspired to at that time.
My first proper girlfriend, I chased her, flirted with her, tried to get her attention for a good few years before she succumbed to my charm. In my eyes she was popular, something about her has always been charismatic and charming and easy. But there was a sadness in her eyes too. Everybody saw what she wanted them to see, but I wanted to solve the mystery. I wanted to see beyond the laughter, I wanted her to show me herself. And I suppose it is fair to say, after a while, the attention probably intoxicated her, and she succumbed to my charms and finally let me in. She is beautiful inside and out. But when she first kissed me, I felt something hard to explain. Whole. Enough. Accepted. Peaceful. I could stop trying, finally. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, but that is a whole other lesson.
My son’s father was the next to withhold noticing me. To be fair, I think he was probably too spaced out on weed to notice much at all. Seemingly out of nowhere oneday he noticed me, and I felt alive. The next day, it was like I didn’t exist. To quote Taylor Swift “You look like my next mistake.” Except he wasn’t, not really, because my son is no mistake, however unplanned he was. But this hot and cold behaviour was something I could not ignore. I could not tolerate it. He said he loved me, but he treated me like he didn’t even like me. Yep. Bingo. I needed to win him over, I need him to accept me. He wasn’t capable. I thought he knew I wasn’t good enough for him, but maybe he knew I was too good for him. And I don’t mean that the way it sounds. But I was a good girl, seeking approval and he was the opposite, rebelling against it. He wanted me, but only on his terms. My only need was for him to like me. But soon enough my son came along and absolved me of that need. I was everything my son’s father needed, but not a thing he wanted. And I never could have been, so I am forever blessed that my son came along and made me think of his needs because I wasn’t really acting on my own wants or needs.
My point is, that those of us who have a need to be liked at all costs, deny our needs to the point that we forget we have any and end up getting tangled up in friendships and relationships that are hurtful and damaging not only to ourselves, but to the people around us. I realise they were romantic examples, but there are also plenty of friendship examples where I have a need to appease the other person at the expense of myself too. And even workplace examples because this unhealthy need to be like takes over every aspect of your world.
So the first steps are realising when you feel uncomfortable in small ways and acting or speaking immediately. Setting boundaries and sticking to them. Speaking assertively but calmly and not emotionally charged. And realising it is ok if you don’t like someone and if someone doesn’t like you, it is not a challenge or a problem to be solved. It is just a fact. Repeat after me, and repeat it until you believe it. “I like me, just the way I am.” When you really feel it, when people treat you poorly, you will see it as a red flag not a red rag to a bull.
If you find yourself repeatedly giving more than you are getting and you don’t know why, that’s the first red flag. They aren’t better than you. It doesn’t matter if they like you or not. If you like you, stop accepting less than you deserve and trying to prove you deserve happiness. You do. Go find it. Somewhere else.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
