Sometimes even the best or strongest friendships end. As painful as it is, we are left with no choice but to face facts, come to terms with the loss, and move on. But what does that even mean…. Moving on? How do you move on? How do you know when you have finished moving on and landed in moved on?
Moving on will be an organic process, but that doesn’t mean you wont have to work at it, nor does it mean that it will be a painless process. Because before you can move on, first you have to see yourself through the grieving process. During this initial phase, it is perfectly normal to think about your ex friend, to wonder what went wrong and if there were things you could have done to change things.
After that, for a while, it is normal to feel angry and hurt and sad. Songs or smells or places might easily provoke memories, and these memories will probably be painful. You may or may not reach a stage where you try to reach out to your ex friend to reconcile, but even if you don’t, many people contemplate and entertain conversations that they may never even have.
Eventually, at the end of the grief process you arrive at acceptance. When you reach acceptance, memories have switched to something that maybe make you smile. You are able to look back at what you shared with a sense of gratefulness and just feel happy that you did meet and share a special connection for a time. When your mind wonders over where they are now and what they are doing with their life, you hope that they are well and happy, even although you are no longer around to be a part of their happiness.
The process of moving on starts, after this phase of acceptance has been reached. This is the phase in which you start filling your life and your time with new people and new memories. It might be a time when you focus on yourself and your wellness, health and hobbies. You might throw yourself into work, volunteering at the kids school or training for a marathon. Because when you start to move on, your focus is on yourself, your goals and the things you can control.
So, do you have to replace your friend to say you have finally moved on? In a way, yes, I suppose you do. If that friend was your plus one, finding someone else to fill that void will be important for your quality of life. But friendships are as unique as the 2 people in them, so you can’t ever really replace one friend with another. You may form new strong friendships, but comparing them is unwise and near impossible. Your old friend may have shared your love of true crime documentaries, and perhaps your new friend does not, whereas your old friend perhaps didn’t drink coffee but your new friend might be quite the connoisseur. One isn’t better than the other, but that doesn’t mean you wont miss having someone to watch the latest crime series with, or that you wont enjoy spending Sunday mornings checking out all the local café’s for the best brew.
Just the same as grieving is a process, so too is moving on. For some people these processes are faster than for others, but you can expect the processes to happen over a period of months to years. Sometimes you may feel you are making good progress, then certain things may happen that set you back a few steps, whereas other times you find that you hardly think about the old friendship much at all anymore.
That folks, is key. Because essentially, if you want to say you have moved on from a situation such as this, that means you don’t think about your ex friend. You don’t look them up on social media, you don’t wonder what they are doing, you don’t bring them up in casual conversation with mutual friends, and you don’t wish them well. That’s not to say you wish them harm, but moreso that you don’t wish them anything at all. You have completely let the connection go, and your mind has moved on to different problems to solve.
If you happen to see them on the street, you may pass and say hello, or say nothing, but the idea doesn’t panic you, and you aren’t holding any grudges, nor any pressing questions you need to throw at them to gain answers or insight. You don’t feel anything. Running into them is the same as running into anyone else you used to know. It is normal to feel a spark of recognition, of the person, or their car, or their dog, but you won’t feel a pressing need to follow through and see if it was them.
The thing about knowing when you have moved on, is that you probably wont care that you have, so you will probably never actually acknowledge it. This is something that happens naturally over time. Initially you will be desperate to reach this phase, and be looking for ways to help yourself along, because you just want it to stop hurting.
But if you think about pain, like stubbing your toe…. It certainly hurts, but it didn’t hurt before. The fact is, that you weren’t even really aware of your toe before you stubbed it…. Then every little movement afterwards hurt, and you can’t wait for it to stop. Yet, once it does stop, you very quickly don’t realise, just return to taking your lack of toe pain for granted and go on living your life as if it never happened. This is true, even if you consistently stub your toe in the same spot over the years.
When the pain goes away, and you stop thinking and feeling about it at all, you have moved on, and the ironic part about it is that you no longer care that you have!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
