We’ve all been on the receiving end of this, right? When a friend starts creating distance between you, without actually telling you why. They start cancelling plans, avoiding you in social situations, taking longer to respond to texts and not answering the phone when you call. Sometimes it starts so subtly you hardly even notice until the chasm is already quite large, but if you are intuitive like me, you can probably feel this change in attitude towards you almost immediately.
It's pretty normal, I feel, to start replaying your last interactions in your mind. Re-reading texts and messages, scrolling through interactions on social media and looking for clues that might enlighten you as to what it was that you said that upset them. The reason we do this, I suppose is because this sudden distance feels like punishment, and as such, we look for reasons we are being punished. That’s logical.
Sadly, it’s highly unlikely that you will find any logical explanation, because this act is typically driven by emotion, not logic. The good news, if you can call it such, is that this probably has very little to do with you, or anything you said or did…. Or even did not say or do! The likeliest outcome is that something has shifted for your friend, and as a result, the amount of time and energy they have to devote to you has also shifted.
So, if, and probably when, you reach out demanding answers, it wont be a lie when your friend reassures you that you are still friends and that nothing has changed. It will feel like a lie of course, because you have felt a change and they are denying it. But what they mean, is that they don’t like you any less, or consider you any less of a friend, but their prioroties have shifted and friendship has fallen to a lower ranking.
Painfully, you may argue, that friendship has not lowered in priority, just your friendship! This is likely the case if you can see your friend on social media with their other friends while you suffer the exclusion in humilliating silence. But what I am trying to offer, is that there may be reasons for this that are not about you. It could well be that they met some new friends who seem to have more in common with them or meet needs that you can’t.
But it could also be that they are going through something personal, and either they don’t want to share, don’t feel they can share, or their coping method is simply withdrawal. I’m pretty sure you’re a good friend and you want them to share, you want to be there for them, and you want them to let you in, because this feels like an important part of the friendship script, right? Except that is about you and what you want and the role you see yourself in. This, however, is not about you and is not your choice. You can offer to be there if they need or want you around, but you cannot force them to want it.
That is the most probable scenario, however it would be remiss of me to deny the possibility that you have in some way upset your friend, and they have been looking for ways to get away from you or end the friendship. It is highly likely that you are completely unaware of upsetting behaviours of yours, as your friend has felt unable or unwilling to disclose that these are causing a problem for them. Examples may include gossiping, not listening attentively, talking about yourself too much, using or taking advantage of your friend in some way, or making an offhand comment that you did not realise was damaging or offensive to your friend.
Your friend has not given you the opportunity to address this and make changes. Perhaps they feel that you cannot change, or will not change, or do not feel it is even the place of a friend to request changes. For whatever reason, they have instead chosen to create distance and look for ways out of the friendship. Honestly, wouldn’t you rather have friends who look for reasons to continue to be your friend and make it work? To be with people who communicate directly and clearly?
The thing is, that they are communicating with you. They are indirectly requesting space from you, and actually, they don’t owe you a reason as to why. Maybe it would be nice to have one, but 9 times out of 10, it actually isn’t helpful. Being pushed away feels like a rejection, because it is. So it is normal to respond to a rejection with defensiveness, even if it is unhelpful.
The truth of the matter is, your friend is pushing you away because they want you to go away. Maybe forever, or maybe just for a bit, and the onus is on you to hear this in what they are not saying and respond with graciousness and maturity. Which means trying to give them the space they are requesting, not over thinking it, focussing on your own life for a while and allowing them to contact you as much or as little as they like.
It may mean checking in with them with a friendly text once a month, without demands or requests to let them know you are thinking of them, or it may mean not reaching out but responding with warmth if and when they do. It means not making demands for time and attention, not asking for answers or trying to force things to going back to the way they were before.
It means being secure in yourself, knowing you are a great friend with much to offer, and accepting that people get to choose. It means being ok with it if that choice isn’t you anymore. It means being grateful for all the times you have shared, and perhaps holding hope that in time, they will come back to you. It means wishing them well in the meantime and respecting the boundary they are enforcing without ever knowing why.
Just know that holding hope is not the same as holding on to someone who is asking you to let them go. Holding hope, holding space and forgiveness for them in your heart if they ever choose you again, is not the same as pining for someone. Move on. They are. If it is meant to be, in time, it will be again. If it isn’t, it has filled it’s purpose and that chapter has come to a close. But your book has not.
This approach takes a lot of maturity, patience, forgiveness, and understanding….. and does require you to try not to make this about you, when it feels very personal indeed. It is NOT easy. But it is the path I recommend. For everyone involved. I know these situations tend to feel urgent, but they aren’t. It doesn’t have to continue as it was or end forever. Allow some space for the grey until clarity returns. When it does, you will know the outcome one way or the other, but it wont matter as much anymore.
If your friend is pushing you away, it is time to go, for a while, for now. Stop worrying about it, googling it and stressing yourself. Practise self care, and go have some fun, with other friends, family or solo. What will be will be. Google can’t change it. Sorry. I know that isn’t what you wanted to hear, but it is true….
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
