A few months back I posted about if we always like our friends and if they always like us. I came to the conclusion that we probably do like our friends, even if we don’t ALWAYS like them, or like EVERYTHING about them. That’s unrealistic. I also concluded that it was unlikely our friends would be our friends if they didn’t like us either. I do stand by this, but today I wanted to talk about the territory you might land in when you love your friend, however you no longer like them. And, as a result, we will also explore the opposite, when you like your friend, but you actually couldn’t say you do love them.
If you are a regular reader of mine, you will know that I do consider friendships to be like platonic relationships. This is because I don’t have a large circle of friends, and because the few friends I do keep, are close in nature and spend plenty of intimate one on one time together. I could easily say that I love them, because I do. And, I feel fairly confident that most of them reciprocate that love. Most. That means I do feel I have a few friends who either don’t believe in the concept of platonic love, or that they just don’t feel that strongly about me. And I do understand because I suppose it is fair to say that I do have some friends for whom I do not feel love either. They aren’t close friends, in my eyes, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t consider me a close friend that they have love for.
Of the friends I have that I do love, I can definitely say there are ones I struggle to like. Don’t get me wrong, I obviously used to like them, as that is what drew me to them in the first place. Maybe their charms wore off, or maybe once I got to know them better I saw things that didn’t sit so well with me. Or maybe we have just grown apart, no longer have shared interests or values and don’t vibe each other the ways we used to.
This is all fairly normal within friendships, but the reason we struggle to let go of old friendships that don’t really fit anymore is because of love. We liked each other once, we spent time together, bonded, shared memories, shared secrets and heartbreaks and triumphs and worries… and we grew to love each other. So when you start to realise you no longer like someone you have love for, you land in a very difficult position.
Friendships aren’t family, they aren’t blood, so you aren’t obliged to keep them in your life. There are no legal ties or formalities like marriage to keep you tied together, and yet, this doesn’t seem to make it any easier to leave them behind. I think loving your friends, and yet not really liking them anymore is the platonic equivalent of “I love you, but I am just not in love with you anymore!” Except in those circumstances at least you can say “can we still be friends” and when the pressure of romance has dissipated, maybe you can be. It is also acceptable not to want to be friends either. Yet in the concept of platonic bonds it is unfriendly to end things!
Because you love your friend, it isn’t always as simple as that. Just like relationships, you wonder if you can save the connection and find that spark again. Learn to like each other again. On the other hand, sometimes the love is what makes it too painful to endure and causes you to end it. The better news for friendship, is that the love that exists, and the more casual arrangement, paired with the lack of monogamy means it is easier to silently let space grow there, yet still hold love for each other, still be there if one of you needs it, and just see if it comes back together in time. It often does.
This is much easier if the feelings are mutual. If only one person has lost the like, the person who hasn’t may struggle to understand the space, and either end things, or cling to things, making things a bit more complicated. But what happens if you love your friend, and they in fact never loved you? They liked you just fine as a friend, maybe even a good friend, but for them, it always stayed a bit more in the casual territory than the close category? It is kind of like the platonic equivalent of unrequited love, where one person wants to be friends, and the other wants more. And actually, it has a fairly similar outcome in that the person who feels less, holds all the power, because they are less invested and there is nothing you can do to change that. They can’t meet you where you are with love, so you have no choice but to settle for like. Eventually this kind of mismatch tends to weigh heavily on the more invested party and they may indeed start falling out of like, and hopefully, out of love, too.
Maybe the real issue, is when someone loves your friendship because they know you are a good friend. They know you’re a good person, and they know they benefit from having you in their life…. But that doesn’t mean they like you, and certainly doesn’t mean they love you. They love having you in their life and like the benefits and security you provide, but yet you can almost feel the resentment they hold towards you for having to tolerate you in order to reap the rewards of your friendship. These are the most dangerous friends. You might not spot them immediately, but your intuition will start telling you something is off quite quickly. Listen to it. If they only want you when they want something, that is the biggest red flag.
The last aspect to cover is when you run out of love for each other, but retain the like. Although this seems counterintuitive, it can happen in friendships. And this is where you both agree, either verbally, or non verbally, that you have grown apart, and going your separate ways is the healthiest outcome. You thank each other for the times you shared, and wish each other well for the future. There is no ugly parting, no animosity or hard feelings and no awkwardness if you do bump into each other in the future. You can still be polite and amicable, show interest and remember the qualities you liked and admired in one another. This is probably the happiest ending…. And the least common.
Do you have friends you love but don’t really like very much anymore? How about friends you like, but never quite loved? Do they love you? Is it awkward? Send me your stories and let me know!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
