Sometimes when a friendship ends, you ponder, was it a season, a reason or a lifetime friendship. If it ended it is often, not always, but often safe to assume that it wasn’t the latter, which leaves only a season or a reason. The idea that it was a season might indicate that it was short or fleeting… but seasons in friendship are quite a bit different to seasons in the weather.
This is because people live their lives in seasons of sorts. Teens is a season, as is twenties, thirties and forties etc….. Also people have a season of singledom and committed partnership seasons too – which may change quickly or frequently. Raising young children is a season and so is raising teens. Retirement is a season, as are the working years. Studying is another.
There are also other sorts of seasons, for example a season where you are less socially connected. Seasons where you might have a rift in your family. Seasons of illness and injury. Seasons of loss and grief. Seasons of joy and success. And in these different seasons, we attract different types of people. We have differing needs and energy levels to offer friendships, different time restrictions or availabilities and different priorities.
So if, for example you and a friend were very close as you raised young children of the same ages together, and then grew apart more as the kids grew up and chose their own social circles that took you more towards other parents, that could be considered a season. You probably didn’t think of it as such when you were in it, particularly if it lasted a decade or more. I am sure you probably would have considered it a lifetime, IF you had given it much thought at all.
It can be jarring therefore, when your season comes to an end. This is true whether or not you saw it coming. Whether the distance was slow and gradual or a more sudden and obvious change. But sometimes, what was a season for one of you, may have actually been a reason for the other. And that’s not something I really considered much before. I always kind of assumed it would be a mutual thing!
And maybe, in the above example it was a mutual season, or it could even have been both a reason and a season for one or both of you. If you feel the friendship brought you something or taught you something in its season it probably was both. But let’s say, for example, as is often the case, you are in your married season, and you meet a fun friend in her single season… you might find that when their single season comes to an end, your friendship kind of comes to a close with it. That is one of the most common friendship problems.
In this case, it is highly likely that while you were a season for your former single friend; someone to have fun with and pass time pleasurably with while they played the field, for you, perhaps it was more of a reason. Perhaps for you, the reason was to remember yourself, and to learn how to build and re-eastablish friendships outside of your couple. To regain a sense of individual identity and remember that it is ok to have frivolous fun from time to time. Or maybe it was a lesson, if you discovered how much you yourself actually longed to be single and were attempting to live vicariously?
A season friend of course, is no less valuable than any other. They had their purpose, regardless, and although it can be painful if your season ended before you were ready, there is a good chance that you too have been a seasonal friend in someone else’s life without realizing it or meaning to be. For instance that person you used to be close to at work who you didn’t keep in touch with when you left, although they did attempt to catch up with you? Or that person you were close to before you had kids but kind of drifted away from after they were born.
It’s not intentional, nor something that happens with malice. It’s just that when our circumstances change, inevitably our circle changes somewhat with them. Often it’s not even something you are really aware of in your conscious mind.
I know during the years after I had my kids, I gravitated towards other mothers of youngsters who could relate to my struggles. These people were also more available as most weren’t working full time either – on maternity leave or stay at home parents, which made time together more effortless. It wasn’t my intention to spend less time with my working childless friends – it just sort of happened without me really noticing or giving it much thought. But my childless working friends did notice, and did give it a lot of thought and weren’t too pleased with the change.
Similarly I have been on the rotating end of a season where I found it difficult not to notice and accept while my friend didn’t seem to notice the distance the changes put in our path.
All in all, the most important lesson to take away is that a season in someone’s life, be it yours or theirs, isn’t necessarily obvious until it is over. So we must enjoy our friends and thank goodness that we are included in this season and that ours has aligned with theirs at this stage.
We only really ever have today. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised and definitely not promised to be the same. So be present in today. Be present in your friendships. When things change tomorrow, know that their presence was not unimportant or any less meaningful just because it ended.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
