Can friends be like Family?

A while back I wrote a post titled “Friends are NOT the family we choose for ourselves.” This proved to be a controversial post, and upset some of my readers, so I wanted to take the time to address this today.

I acknowledge that I write from a place of privilege in regards to this piece as I am blessed with a close and loving family on whom I can trust and depend in times of need. And in times of celebration too. I have never been in a situation where I was forced to replace family with friendships…. Well, sort of, but not in the true sense.

As my family emigrated here a tiny bit before I was born, I do not have the large extended family network here in Australia that many of my friends do. And I observe both the pros and cons of having the extended support networks available to them. Largely I notice that these large family networks keep my friends quite busy and less available for friendship, which, in turn can at times exacerbate by own sense of loneliness, as they are the people I would turn to for my social needs, while their own needs are met more directly by their families.

However, I do understand that is not the same as not having any family around  me for love and support and creating those bonds with friends instead. Let me clarify that I have absolutely no issues with this concept. I do not feel friendships are inferior to family and I do indeed believe they can be just as close, if not closer than actual family.

I obviously failed to articulate myself well in my previous post as many of my readers took the post to mean that I didn’t believe in the concept, when really, what I was trying to say was that friends can in fact be closer to us at certain times, perhaps at all times, because they are usually not related to us by blood.

The factor of separation is actually the beautiful part of friends who are as close as family. They choose to love us, they are not obligated to do so. They probably didn’t know us since birth or have hefty expectations of who we may become in the future. They simply liked us exactly as we were. Sometimes family are so close they are unable to separate themselves from us enough to allow us the freedom to be truly ourselves for fear of how it reflects on them.

At times it may feel with family that they had to love us, or that we have to love them for no other reason than birth circumstances. Whereas with friendships that is simply not the case. In that sense, yes, friends can be the family we choose for ourselves. They often very literally are. But the point of my post is that what allows this is the very fact that they weren’t family in the first place.

Personally, as I grew up with a family that emigrated, we tended to socialize with other families who also emigrated. These friends were family friends, so whilst I  knew they were not family, they did become part and parcel of special occasions and I always knew if I really needed to I could turn to them in a crisis. Their children were probably more like cousins to me than my actual cousins on the basis that we saw them much more often. Yet, I never considered them to be cousins or really family at all.

I have friends who say I am like a sister, or even a wife to them. Friends I have known since high school or even pre school. Friends I know would be there for me when it really came to the crunch, and friends I am dedicated to being there for in return. While I don’t consider them the family I choose for myself, I definitely don’t consider them any less important than family.

I definitely have friends with whom I discuss matters I would be unlikely to raise with the family, and friends whose family I am very familiar with. I have a few who certainly blur the lines between friend, family and relationships.

Because I do have family to turn to though, I would not expect them to be the first in line to help me if I needed it, whereas there is an unspoken expectation that family is the place I turn to first and foremost for help and support and guidance. I have greater expectations of them to be more heavily involved and invested in the lives of my children. My family hold weightier expectations of me in return too. If they need assistance or care, it would be assumed I would be first in line to provide that care and they may ask favours of me that they wouldn’t ask of friends.

This may not be the case for some of you. If you do have a strong network of friends in replace of your family, and you hold each other to the same standards and expectations of family that you can comfortably rely upon, I congratulate you. I am beyond happy that friendships have taken on such an important role in your lives and you have found safe people on whom you can depend.

I would like to formally apologize to anyone who was upset by my former post and took it to mean that I did not feel friendships were as important as family or that they could not serve the same purpose. When my point was really just to say that our family are not always our friends. Our family are sometimes too close for comfort to enable that more relaxed and accepting relationship we sometimes need.  And that friends can indeed step in and close the gaps here for the simple reason that they aren’t technically our family.

So maybe I should have said yes, friends can be the family you choose for yourself, even if your family are not the people you would choose to be friends with. It’s not a competition in any sense regardless, both have their place if you are fortunate enough to have both. Some people only have friends, and some only family.

I am one of the lucky few who have both. I don’t need my friends to be like family, or my family to be like friends, but I am fortunate that I do like my family and do have friends I could depend on like family if it came down to it. Each are just as important to me and I hope to everyone.

Friends are every bit as important as family, however you class them.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx