Remember when you were in school, and one of your good friends, sometimes even all of them, have stopped talking to you, for whatever petty reason school kids can muster. Sometimes for no reason at all other than to test the loyalty of the group, and take pleasure in the power, not to mention your misery.
Part of the reason it was so torturous was that there was no escaping it. You literally had to go there and subject yourself to the silence 5 days a week. Mind you, at least, back then, before the internet took off and mobile phones became commonplace, you could escape at the end of the day. If you are of my vintage anyway… perhaps I am showing my age!
I want to tell you that when you leave school, things get much easier as you surround yourself with a variety of peers. Many older and more mature, men and women, from different backgrounds. You’re less pressured to be a certain way and more able to be your true self…. Right? Well, yes, and no. Just because you are free to be yourself, doesn’t mean everyone will like you. They wont, and this can make work every bit as torturous as school, with the added pressures of seeing passive aggressive vague posts directed at you on social media or having to keep it professional outside of office hours for the greater good.
It is exhausting when you don’t get along with a colleague, and painful to understand the impact this can have on your relationship with other staff members too. Particularly if you considered those people friends. And work is so much more enjoyable when you have meaningful friendships within it. I am certainly not advocating for people not to make connections at the workplace. That would be nearly as miserable. Nearly.
But when a colleague takes a disliking to you, either directly or as the result of some sort of altercation or misunderstanding etc….suddenly work is a much harder place to be, no matter how unenjoyable it was before. You either end up isolating yourself from them, and anyone they associate with, or find yourself isolated unintentionally as everyone else awkwardly avoids you so as not to get involved themselves.
Added to this, it can be difficult to talk about the situation without putting others in an awkward position, which may lead you to further isolation. And there is nothing worse than watching the person who is making your life a misery swanning around laughing with the others in the break room while you eat your cold spaghetti at your desk because heating it up would mean going in there, where you are clearly unwelcome. You would rather avoid the awkward silence that ensues when you enter the room and the longest 2 microwave minutes of your life.
You might notice someone you normally chat with at the water cooler is suddenly avoiding eye contact and drinking only hot coffee today, despite it being the hottest day on record, or the stern look on your bosses face that tells you they know what has transpired and somehow believe it is all your fault and you better fix it, pronto!
So what is the best course of action? Should you confront your colleague and ask to discuss any problems or tension in the air? If you do, will they acknowledge the issues, or politely give you a cold smile and tell you everything is fine? Should you hunker down in your office and avoid eye contact with everyone until the storm blows over and it is safe enough to re-emerge? Should you call a meeting with your boss, or HR, to get the issue mediated professionally and pursue any warranted bullying claims?
Honestly, it does depend on the person and the situation you find yourselves in. If they are bullying you, then a trip to HR is warranted, no matter who’s feathers may get ruffled. It would also teach others not to mistreat you as you wont hesitate to take the appropriate action. However, a trip to your boss may not be the smartest move. Maybe they got there first, or maybe your boss wont appreciate you dragging them into things. You want to demonstrate that you have the maturity to handle personal conflicts in the workplace, and not make a public display in the process.
It may be advisable to request a private meeting with your colleague, to clear the air between you, however if they are the sort of person who is giving you the cold shoulder, they may not be open and willing enough to do this, particularly if they have rallied other colleagues against you in the meantime. It’s difficult to know if the other team members are on the bully’s side, or if they just want to avoid being in your position.
Should you talk to them about it? Probably not, unless they approach you about it directly themselves. I do always remember one colleague approaching me and asking for my side of the story in a similar situation and I actually had a lot of respect for her for doing this. Not because she was butting in where she didn’t belong, but because she was not just going to believe everything she heard and wanted to make sure I was ok. She told me what the other person involved was claiming and told me she wasn’t interested in taking sides, but that she felt I should know what was being said about me, and she didn’t feel it was fair to assume it was true. The fact that she spoke to me at all was soothing to be honest as everyone else seemed to be avoiding my desk, which was separated from the others by a wall at the front of the office, like the plague.
However, just because it mighn’t be appropriate to discuss the situation at hand with your other colleagues, that doesn’t mean you should stop talking to them entirely either. Of course you probably worry about putting them in an awkward position if they get seen conversing with the enemy, however if they were truly your friend, they wouldn’t be concerned about that enough to turn their back on you entirely.
My friend has currently found herself in a position where the colleagues she has fallen out with, have a close alliance with some of her other key support people and friends at work. She has noticed one of them appears to be avoiding her, and while disappointing, has made it clear where their loyalties lie. Another colleague who does not wish to get involved however, is still friendly with my friend and willing to partner with her in team building exercises etc…. So this act has solidified their connection. These things do tend to show you who your real friends are.
The best course of action however, is to do nothing, to say nothing and continue on being your awesome self until they get over themselves or find something new to be upset about. That said, this is the precise reason it is not wise to have all your eggs in one basket. It is better to have a few close friends from different areas of your life, than to have only one or only all work friends for example. So that you still have some support of impartial people no matter what. Whatever you do, just don’t suck up to the bullies and reward their behaviour. Their behaviour says much more about them than it does about you and vice versa. So just be cool calm and collected, no fight, no flight, no freeze, no fawn. Your work and your attitude will speak for itself. But if you can’t resist a passive aggressive statement, I found a save the whales poster behind my desk was effective, funny, and eased the tension somewhat! Haha
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
