If you are like me, you probably agree that an hour is not going to be long enough to catch up with a friend. However, many of you are not like me, and may even think a whole hour is really too long? I guess it comes down to our friendship styles, our lifestyles and our values. So there really isn’t a correct answer to this question, or a one size fits all approach. Actually, the answer to this question could also vary depending on which friend is considered for the proverbial coffee catch up!
I am the first to admit that I don’t do so well with boundaries. Neither setting nor enforcing them really. They often feel like barriers to connection, although I understand healthier people see them as essential tools for close connections. Just another way in which people differ, because I know I am not alone in feeling this way regarding boundaries feeling like barriers. So if I invite a friend to catch up over coffee, and they say “sure, but I can only stay for an hour,” 9 times out of 10, my gut reaction is to tell them not to worry about it. (I don’t always do this, but that is still what my gut tells me to do.)
For starters, I personally prefer a more leisurely feel and approach to these sorts of situations, so immediately it feels to me like my friend is trying to say “I really don’t have time” – but doesn’t want to say no and hurt my feelings. This probably stems from a lack of self esteem somewhat, assuming that a coffee with me would be considered an inconvenient intrusion on someone’s time, and therefore them limiting it serves as some sort of confirmation bias. I can also convince myself that this is the person’s way of telling me that I take up too much time typically and limiting me on purpose. That one, may actually be true! I can accept that. On the other hand, I can also accept that some people just keep themselves very busy, and an hour is literally all they can spare. In which case I should really be grateful and not make it about me.
As I said, I don’t always act on how I feel. I am learning to challenge those demons and accept and respect the boundaries (and time) of others. However, I definitely also have one or two friends with whom an hour is enough. And maybe at times, even too much. It could be because we have grown apart, and despite long gaps in talking, there still doesn’t seem to be much to say. Or maybe these friends can be energy vampires at times, always talking and never listening, or expecting more of me than I want to offer. Or maybe I am just more motivated to stay home and watch Netflix than catch up with them, if they aren’t that fun or interesting. Lastly, they may be people I consider more “activity friends” – the friends you catch a movie with or go drinking and dancing with, but don’t usually find yourself sitting face to face in more quiet serious contexts.
While growing friendships in this manner can be rewarding, both parties have to be receptive to the growth in order for it to work. Speaking of growing friendships, that is another context in which an hour feels like an acceptable time frame; new or developing friendships. It isn’t realistic to assume you will have a lot to say over a coffee catch up with a new person, so initial catch up’s are kept shorter deliberately to keep everyone comfortable and test the waters. If you both walk away feeling like an hour was not nearly enough, then your next catch up might be a dinner, with the potential for lingering afterwards over a drink or an activity. A bit like dating. However, if one of you suggests this and the other agrees but says they have to be home by 9pm for whatever reason, the initiator is probably going to be left with that awkward feeling of “I like them more than they like me.” Which could prompt my earlier reaction of pulling away, or a more annoying reaction of trying harder and becoming increasingly needy and insecure. Funny, isn’t it, how these small things can send loud and potentially incorrect messages to people.
In other contexts, I have friends with whom I have daily or regular interactions, over the phone or friends I see regularly. So it doesn’t always feel necessary to spend hours together over a lunch or dinner when we are already “caught up” so to speak. An hour is sometimes plenty just to show up and say “you matter, I wanted to see you, to connect with you, to give you a hug, but we’re both busy (even if you’re not really) so no need to waste time twiddling our thumbs talking about stuff we already discussed.
Lastly I have friends with whom I am deeply connected. I trust and value them and 100% want and need more than an hour with them. I know we could chat for days and still not run out of things to say, that silences are comfortable and the feelings are mutual. BUT if we can only find an hour, then we will lap up that opportunity, only after we have tried to troubleshoot the situation and find a day or time where longer might work.
Would I prefer more than an hour with most of my people? Yes. Would an hour at a time, once a week or more suffice? Probably. Is an hour enough for me to generally feel connected? Sometimes. Do I hate it when a friend says they can catch up with me for an hour and spends that hour looking at the clock and making me feel like they can’t wait to get away and get to the next more important engagement? Yes. If you can only offer a friend an hour, please be present during that hour as much as is possible. Set yourself an alarm if you need to, so you don’t have to worry about watching the clock and can make that hour count.
Know your friends well. Know their friendship style well, and their lifestyle. If they are someone who cannot say no, and like to keep busy, you might find there is only so many hours one can be social in a weekend, for example, and if they are popular and have been asked to catch up with a few people on the same weekend… don’t take it personally if they can only offer you an hour. But if you really want more, and they really can’t or wont offer it, you’re probably incompatible in your friendship styles, lifestyles and values around friendships. Or, possibly, you do like them more than they like you and it isn’t wise to put many eggs in that basket.
Is an hour enough to connect over coffee? You tell me? I’d love to hear it in the comments below or over on Facebook?!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
