Outgrowing yourself

I have written a few posts here in the past about outgrowing friends. It starts when your best friend is still playing with dolls at 10 when you are more into music and makeup. Then maybe your next best friend replaces music with men and they outgrow you. It happens all the time, and is just a normal part of friendship. It doesn’t stop there either, one of you may be into makeup, men and margheritas for a long while after the other is into marriage and making babies. Someone might be ready for retirement before the other. No age range is immune to growth, nor growing apart from their friends. Even really close ones.

But sometimes it isn’t so much that you have outgrown your friends as much as it is that maybe you have outgrown yourself and the person these friends know, love, and expect  you to be. I was chatting to a good friend the other day about her long stints working in government offices and the different friendships that she built over the years. She also talked about the image she created of herself at each office and how subsequently freeing it was to start again when changing jobs or departments. A fresh slate to write yourself anew!

And it struck me that this could be applicable to some friendships too. It isn’t that people can’t grow with you and love each version of yourself that you grow into. It’s more just that most people don’t. They liked you the way you were when they met you and they have become attached to that person and the way that person acts, thinks and feels.

In her first office job, my friend started in a long term defacto relationship. They had the mortgage, the caravan and the kids to boot. They had exciting adventures and the general relationship drama’s. The people in that office came to know and accept this version of her; happy, contented and low drama. So when the relationship came to a particularly dramatic and traumatic and confusing ending, they were in a rush for her to go back to being her happy low drama self. She felt stifled, nobody was really listening and people she thought were friends said dismissive things like “Just forget about it. You’ll get over it. Stay positive.” When what she really needed was a place to express her drama and let her crazy out.

So it was a sweet relief when she moved on to the next department during the drama, and people there were enthralled with every detail. She loved feeling listened to and validated, and people asking for the latest gossip made her feel cared for and seen. Her friends from the first office were right; in time, she did get over it, but there was soon an equally destructive partner, or should that be player on the scene to keep the office gossip fountain flowing for at least another 4 or 5 years.

When that ended, my friend decided it was time for some serious self reflection and work on herself. She threw herself into counselling, a 12 step program, a fitness and health routine and got back into her creative hobbies. Eager to share this new self with her workmates, she once again found herself disappointed. When the dramatic gossip dried up, so did their seeming interest in her life. So when she settled into a new steady serious relationship, and they moved in together, she again found herself craving that change to reinvent herself again.

This may be more prominent in work settings or group friendships, but the reality was that my friend had outgrown herself. She was tired of being the person she had been for them, and they were disinterested in the new version of herself that she had become. They wanted her to stay the same and she couldn’t – she wasn’t the same anymore, and she was also tired of being that old person anyway.

So sometimes a friendship might end for that same reason, because your friend has maybe outgrown themselves and the version of them that you needed them to be. Or you have grown tired of doing the same things, with the same people. Of having the same conversations and laughing at the same things and having the same arguments and responding the same ways.

I definitely do think it is worth trying to change within friendships, and seeing if your friends can love and embrace the new you. Change and grow with you. But it takes time and you need to be patient while they relearn you. You need to accept that they may also start changing and you might not love their changes either. You might find you want them to let you change but you aren’t so comfortable when they do.

Which is why most of us find it easier to move on  to new people who didn’t know who we were before, and aren’t too invested in who we become. People who fully invest in the version of ourselves that we are in this moment, before we get tired of ourselves! Before we get tired of them or they get tired of us.

I am one of the lucky last generations who grew up without the internet. My past is not recorded and available to anyone who wants to look at the click of a button. Doesn’t mean mistakes are easily forgotten by me, but it means reminders to or from others are seldom unless they happened to be there to see it. Maybe old friends sometimes serve the same way, as reminders of a past life you don’t want to remember.

I know my first group unfriending was seemingly unrelated to my new adventure into motherhood… but yet, there were expectations that weighed heavily on me from a past chapter that I could no longer carry. No I couldn’t, and didn’t want to sleep over for a 30th party, because I had a 2 year old and a 6 month old to go home to the next morning. No I wasn’t interested in getting drunk or staying up late. No, I couldn’t really still relate to workplace drama and dating. Nor could they relate to early mornings, poop stories or tolerate the constant interruptions to my attention; my mind always elsewhere. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, and it wasn’t directly the cause of the fallout. But yet it was. I couldn’t be who I’d always been, and they couldn’t relate to who I’d become.

So they started spending time without me and I started spending time with other young mums who were struggling in similar ways until it came to a head. And as painful as it was, it was also freeing to get to know people who accepted and embraced me for what I could give and weren’t resentful of what I couldn’t. Who didn’t expect more of me than they themselves could offer, which was as little as I could at that time of my life. But what little we could offer was everything.

Sometimes we outgrow our friends. Sometimes they outgrow us. Sometimes we outgrow each other or the activities we used to enjoy. But more often than not, I think we really outgrow ourselves and the  expectations people have of us to be, do, respond, discuss, and enjoy the same things, when the truth is, it no longer feels authentic to us. New people see us the way we want to be seen, or maybe the way we want them to see us. They see us how we see ourselves.

I am lucky enough to say I have a few friends who have come along and loved every version of myself. And friends I have managed to love every version of…. Eventually. And that is what makes these relationships extra special, because it is actually really hard to endure the changes and embrace them. It can be painful for everyone and it can be easier to let go than hold on.

This goes out to those long time friends; I will forever try to grow with you and let you be whatever version of yourself that you are with love, just as you have for me. Thank you for your patience, both with me as I change, and as I struggle to keep up with your own. If I grumble it’s only because I love you and I don’t want to lose any version of you, ever. I only want to outgrow ourselves; together.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A friend’s dirty laundry

You probably clicked on this link hoping for some juicy gossip about a friend’s proverbial dirty laundry… sorry to disappoint, but the laundry is very much my own, and it is literal not proverbial! Because when we returned from our pre Christmas cruise, the day before Christmas eve, when I had heaps to do and basically all our clothing to be washed from holiday wearing….. the washing machine chose that day to die.

My husband, couldn’t quite accept the situation, when the dreaded error beeping began chirping from the machine as the first load hit the spin cycle. Thinking the machine was off balance, he moved some washing around and tried again. No luck…. The shrill beeping began again before he could even exit the laundry. Then he decided that the machine was over loaded, so he removed half the washing instead. It still wouldn’t work. So he did what all tech people do, turned it off and turned it back on again. This appeared to work…. Until it once again reached the spin cycle and was having none of it! I came in to see what was going on and noticed that the error message I usually get was C4 and this one was C2. So I went on a treasure hunt to find the manual etc and found that the issue was that the machine was unable to drain and instructions said to check the hose. So hubby promptly removed the hose, only to find there was no blockage, as the machine emptied litres and litres of water into our laundry, toilet, bathroom and hallway which was now like a swamp. That’s how we learned sand had clogged the overflow drains. But not before he tried the machine again 2 more times, yes, twice, you read that correctly, and both times added more water to the floor situation when low and behold, the machine still refused to drain.

We were all exhausted, it was 11pm and we just had to go to sleep and deal with it in the morning. When I woke up, the carpet was damp, the floor drains needed plunging, there were piles of smelly wet but unwashed washing everywhere, all the towels were added to the piles because of the floor situation and it was Christmas eve. Not to worry my husband pointed out; the machine was under warranty. Do you think I could find the receipt? No. But a quick call to the place of purchase would solve that; except he pointed out nobody was going to come out between Christmas and new year, and most places were closed until at least the 8th Jan. Fabulous.

There was no way I could hand wash all of this, particularly not in time for all the Christmas celebrations were taking place as early as that morning! So I reluctantly called my friend who lives around the corner from me, and explained the situation. I knew she had a washing machine outside of her house for her business use, so I asked if I could please pop over and use it, explaining I would take the washing home wet, and dry it myself etc… I just needed the use of her machine.

Taking pity on me, my friend invited me and my washing for coffee. Placing the first load in her machine we chatted until it ended and I went to take it and put it back in the basket to take home to dry, telling her I would be back in an hour to grab the next load. But no, she insisted she would hang the first load, and the second and bring it back to my house on the way out later that afternoon. Which she did, and when she was there, and saw the piles of laundry still to be done, she insisted I put another 3 loads in her car.

Folks, not only did my precious friend spend her Christmas eve washing my family’s clothes and towels, our smelly socks and well worn underpants, she hung it out to dry, carefully folded it and delivered it neatly organized back to my house. She even hid some caramel tarts or chocolates etc… in with a few loads for me to find as I put it all away. Not only that, as 3 weeks later, the repair people have come out and said the pump is gone and they need to order a new one, so we still have no machine, and every second day or so, she has checked in with me and made sure I am not the emperor with no clothes! Without asking, or complaint, she shows up, collects it, washes, dries, folds and sorts it, and brings it back. For weeks. Through the busiest season. My friend is an angel. And I have thanked her profusely, offered to pay her which was refused, bought her a bottle of her favourite perfume (which she did accept and was touched I remembered which is her favourite) and said I will take her for a meal. But she isn’t doing it for that, or for the accolades; she is doing it out of love and care for a friend in need.

That friend in need, isn’t often me. And it was very humbling, and also very awakening for me. As I relayed the saga to my family over Christmas dinner, my mum said of course that I could have used her machine, but that was less convenient, particularly now they live in a small apartment further away with less drying space if I was to spend a day doing multiple loads, although the offer was appreciated. My sister in law commented she didn’t think she would have any friends willing or offering to do the same for her in similar circumstances.

It gave me a moment to pause and reflect, not only how grateful and lucky I am to have this particular angel in my life as a friend, but how many good friends I do have that I could turn to in this instance. Sure, not all of them may have gone to the extent this friend did, who clearly went above and beyond, however, I doubt any of my friends would have turned me down to use their machine. Several said, as a matter of fact; “you can bring a load here and run it through my machine if you need/like.” I can’t think of a single person who wouldn’t be willing to help. It just so happened the friend I did turn to lives near me and has 2 machines, and we are close enough friends that I have no problem with her seeing all our undies. She doesn’t judge!

Here’s a big shout out to you, my dirty laundry friend; and to all my friends for the love and support in big, small, tangible and intangible ways! Thank you for being there for me, for being a network of wonderful women I can turn to whatever I need. And I do. Need you. All of you. I am here for you too. Bring all your dirty laundry, proverbial and literal and we will sort it out together.

I hope this post inspires you to look at your own friendship circles, and who you could ask to take care of your own dirty laundry, and really appreciate how lucky you are to have those people you love and trust to turn to. If you don’t think you have anyone, or you would never dream of asking for such help, maybe this is a gentle reminder to let people in, that it is ok to be vulnerable, and to build intimate friendships. If you are always the helper and never the receiver of help; let this post remind you that helping feels amazing and you should keep doing it, but receiving help is humbling too. Which is important in life.

Sure, I could have used a laundromat. Or a dry cleaning service. I would not have even died to go three weeks without washing. But this is the fabric of friendship; dirty or clean. And it is worth it’s weight in gold!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

It’s Nearly GALentines or PALentines Day

Can you believe it is already February? Where does the time go? As many of you that are in romantic relationships might be gearing up for Valentines Day, it is my duty to remind you not to forget your friends. Fair enough if you want to devote all of the 14th to your sweetie, which is why GALentines Day or PALentines Day if you prefer, happens the day before. Because friendships matter too and deserve to be celebrated. Plus, it is way more inclusive, all you need is friends! If you ask me, it is also more fun.

So how should you celebrate GALentines or PALentines Day? That is the best bit, it is entirely up to you! Yellow roses with a handmade love heart card will be delivered to my nearest and dearest this year, although I had to go virtual for a few years over the pandemic. So that is an idea too and I will post a meme you can borrow if you want to be a bit lazy and just send it to your mates.

You might even do a mixture of things. You might give some friends a bunch of yellow roses, or have them delivered as a surprise. Or you might give each friend a single rose, real or fake, with a little card thanking them for their friendship like I do. You might have a few friends with whom you choose to exchange gifts or go on a date with, there aren’t any rules. I have done all of them at certain times with certain people.

I definitely don’t see why the single people in your lives should miss out on all the action, do you? Why not make a little slideshow of pictures of you both together over the years to Bruno Mars “count on me?” Or just call and serenade them! Or make a fun pic collage? Or buy a cool greeting card? Write them a poem or just organize a night on the town? Any excuse, right?

I typically deliver 10 roses, so if you are like me and have a few people you would like to acknowledge then this is a bit easier and more streamlined than making 10 individual slideshows. But if you only have one special friend you would like to celebrate you could cook them a meal, stay at a hotel, or go for a little picnic. You could go bowling or get silly portraits taken in the photo booth at the arcade or do a treasure hunt with the clues being personal to you both.

It can be as romantic or as platonic as your heart desires, even though your relationship is in the platonic realm. Everyone needs and loves a bit of romance in their lives, right? And everyone needs a friend.

I’ll keep it short and sweet this week lovelies, as you all have some GALentines or PALentines Day planning to do!! It’s this Tuesday FYI, so you need to get your skates on and make those fabulous friends of yours feel special! Just make sure you remember every year. Don’t worry, I’ll remind you!

Happy GALentines or PALentines Day to you all! May you all celebrate in style with your closest comrades!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Uncomfortable Silence In Conversation.

There are people I can be comfortably silent with, but honestly I dread uncomfortable silence. The lack of anything to say to each other feels as if it is echoing loudly around the room and making me question if our friendship is finishing. I mean, it can depend on the context, for example if you are staying overnight with someone at a hotel for example, you are going to expect moments where each of you quietly looks at their phone, but if you are having a 2 hour coffee with an old friend you haven’t seen in ages and the conversation stalls, the mind does jump to conclusions about why you have nothing to say, instead of more helpful things like conversation topics!

And of course there are moments when conversation stalls, usually because  you were interrupted by something and each lost your place in the conversation, but if the communication is sound, it is usually fairly quickly remembered and circled back to. Although I hate it when a friend loses their place in conversation and asks “what was I saying?” Because if I don’t know, it implies I wasn’t interested or engaged in what they were saying, when the truth is I am just as easily distracted as them. Half the time I don’t remember what I was just saying let alone what they were!

I know for me personally, one of the most common reasons this happens is because the friend in question isn’t someone I talk to about “everything.” If I am filtering myself, then there will be a certain mental list of safe topics to talk about with that person, but once that list is exhausted my improvisation skills to introduce new safe topics stalls! Thankfully someone will usually rescue the conversation with a comment about the weather, even if the weather really has been unremarkable.

But for this reason, I have come up with a generally safe list of questions to ask your friend to spark more conversation after you have covered the general basis of work and kids. A good place to start is travel. If you have something booked, or are considering booking something, go ahead and raise this a s a conversational topic. If you don’t you could ask them if they have any travel plans, and if they say they don’t you could still ask where they have been in the past, a favourite trip or recommendation, or where they aspire to go in the future.

If the travel topic falls flat or fizzles fast, another go to topic is any bands, shows or movies they have been to recently or have tickets to in the future. This is usually also a safe topic for you to share. Maybe you read a good book or watched a must see movie you could talk about or maybe they could make a recommendation of their own. If they are going to a musical, which theatre is it at? What is it about? Who are they going with, you get the gist.

Alas, sometimes life just isn’t all that interesting and they aren’t going anywhere or doing much that provokes conversation. But typically this means they probably watch Netflix and can recommend a good series, and if not, you can ask them how they spend their free time, and try to make conversation out of that.

Cooking is another good one to try. Have you tried any new recipes lately or seen any new diet plans you wanted to follow? Have they tried any that worked or didn’t work? Are there new restaurants in town you wanted to try or have tried. Have they?

Birthdays are another safe topic to discuss. Do they have any plans for an upcoming birthday, or a birthday of someone in their circle? If you happen to remember it is their brother’s 40th coming up, can you ask about that, if there are big plans in the making and what your friend is going to gift? If not, you must have a birthday or 2 you can pull out the hat to talk about?

I am sure there are many more safe topics of conversation that could be improvised, anything from memes you saw on social media, to sharing photos of your family. But the question is still valid…, If it is this hard to come up with conversation, if it is this awkward, why are you still friends and is it worth the effort to continue to talk when you clearly don’t really have anything to say to each other?

Sometimes the answer is yes because of a long history together, and sometimes the answer is yes just because it is easier than not being friends anymore… (or is it?) Sometimes the answer is no. Which does not make you the worst person in the world by the way, if a friendship is ending and it appears to be mutual, let it fizzle. It may spark again in the future!

But if the answer is yes, the friendship is important enough to preserve, I suggest you change your catch ups from coffee to comedy clubs. From meals out to movies with dinner included. From dinner parties to bowling. Move away from things where there is too much emphasis on chatting and more emphasis on sharing something enjoyable.  This way you still get to enjoy their company, make memories and preserve the connection, all the while not having a whole heap to say.

That suggestion only works if you can afford it though, doesn’t it? But all is not lost, because you can play board games or computer games at home for free, watch movies or series together or practice a new dance routine. Whatever fits you and your friend, the key is to keep busy and keep the focus on an activity rather than staring at each other in silence.

And rest assured sometimes this just happens when you have known someone a while and get comfortable with them. Like a spouse there is less to learn, less to share and the silences do get comfortable and it doesn’t have to mean the end. It can just mean a new beginning. Failing all else, just catch up less often so there is more time in between for things to happen that you can talk about!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is a "Girls Getaway" a Good Idea?

Here in Australia it is Australia Day. Although this has become a politically charged holiday, it is a holiday none the less. Yay for a long weekend. Did any of you go away for a girls trip? I didn’t but I have a friend who has recently been off galivanting around the world. For some of my readers Europe isn’t so far, but for us here in Australia it is a massive journey to even get there, not to mention the expense, making it the trip of a lifetime. Jealousy, being what it is, was trying to tell me that I wished I was travelling with my friend. But would that really be wise?

First of all, my friend did several walking tours and hiking trips. Neither of which sound remotely interesting nor relaxing enough to qualify as a holiday activity for me personally. She clearly enjoys such things. That alone would make us incompatible travelling companions. Not to mention my favourite holiday is a cruise, when she hates boats and gets sea sick on the local ferry. Again, that doesn’t bode well.

But even if you have much more in common with your friends than I do with mine when it comes to these things, there is a lot that can come into play on a holiday which could make for sore expectations and ruin trips if not friendships. So these things shouldn’t be rushed into lightly as fun as the girls getaway appeals to us all.

If one of you goes to bed early, while the other wants to go out drinking and mingle with the locals, neither will have the holiday they hoped for. If one has a very restrictive diet or health condition that limits their activities while the other is very adventurous, one may feel it was a wasted trip. If one likes to get up early and hit the street markets while the other refuses to rise until noon, both will be cranky.

And these are things you may not even know about your friend, because you haven’t lived together. Maybe you have never really seen them under pressure, but they make the situation much worse when they blow up over a flight cancellation and you feel embarrassed and upset by their outburst. Or perhaps there is more room for miscommunication, each thinking the other had booked a hotel or activity then missing out.

It could be that your friend talks loudly on the phone to her family at home when you are trying to relax, and you prefer to text your family. Or it could be that you expected to travel together, but do your own things using the hotel as a base to connect at the end of each day and your friend imagined you’d do everything together, and won’t leave you alone.

There are just so many unknowns when it comes to travelling with friends, that it has the potential to really ruin your trip and your friendship if you haven’t chosen wisely. But that’s not to say it can’t work, it just means these things need to be discussed in advance.

If I travelled with my friend, she knows me well enough to know I would not be interested in a hike, as well as I know her well enough to understand a glass bottom boat tour is off the itinerary for her. I know she talks loudly on the phone to her family already because she does it here, and I wouldn’t expect that to change. I know she would want some solo time, whereas she knows I would feel much more comfortable in the hotel if I am alone than out exploring solo. But because we know these things, we know enough to know that travelling together probably doesn’t suit our dynamic. I know she gets angry when stressed so the plane ride would be unpleasant and she knows I would probably spend most of it in the bathroom anyway.

If you are planning a trip with your friends, I think it is wise to ask about their morning routines, to ask how much time they envision together and apart, and what kinds of activities you can both agree on without feeling short changed. Each describe your hopes and expectations of how the trip will go, how you will handle any bumps along the road. Discuss what kinds of foods you like to eat and bed times. Discuss what types of accommodations you like to stay in and what your budgets are. Discuss if there is any must do’s on your list or must not do’s. And make a plan for how you will communicate frustrations, when you can’t get space. You are essentially stuck together if things go sour, and nobody wants that.

Even when you have discussed it all, you will find differences. Perhaps they thought you would be ok with sharing a bed and you expected and hoped for twin beds. Or they hog the covers, or you like the air conditioner going and they don’t. So as much as it was fun to post the above meme about travelling with my husband and kids, they are probably the best people to travel with. Because we already know all these things from living together.

But hey, who would say no to a girls getaway in Europe, the reward may be worth the risk! And after the first time, you will learn all these things about your friends anyway, and have more information to choose if you travel together again in the future! If you’re still friends that is! Proceed with caution and eyes wide open! Information is important! Get as much as you can! Then have fun with your friend, travelling or not!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fun Friendship February Post Social-less Summers!

A few years ago I wrote a post about my wonderful network of fellow mummy friends who came out to play in droves over the school holidays. It didn’t matter if they worked or not, as they typically had to take annual leave on school holidays to watch their children. Our summers were filled with indoor playcenters and roller-skating rinks, cafes with playgrounds and sleepovers galore. Amusement parks and fair grounds, science centers, mini golf and movies. We were at all the places all the time. It kept the kids happy and we helped keep each other sane.

I still appreciate the friendships with these women. We keep in touch to navigate school and social pressures, dramas and highs and lows, but now our children are older, they have all grown apart. They have their own friends, the mothers of whom we don’t always know, and many of them do work. Gone are the days when we needed to organize everything for them, they are capable of looking after themselves for the day and arranging their own social activities.

None of this is bad, in the scheme of things. Our children should be encouraged to grow as individuals, choose their own social network and explore their independence. But for us mums who are still at home, can I just say how much I miss those times. As messy, and expensive and exhausting as they often were, I didn’t realize how much I was getting out of these interactions too. These days my kids are online, or at work or out to lunch with their friends on the holidays, and actually, it is really quite lonely for me!

They are far too cool for mum now they are teenagers, and I totally understand that, while I also understand my mummy friends not wanting to waste their annual leave just to sit at home and be ignored by said teens unless they are hungry or need something washed! Both of which they could attend to themselves but some part of me feels grateful to be called on and needed at all! So while the time used to fly by in a blur of social activity, I find myself having to find ways to entertain myself on the holidays.

It is a new experience for me and a transition I am still adjusting to. I love being able to go do the shopping child free if I need to, or go and get my hair or nails done without fussing about babysitters. I love the money we are saving not going to all these expensive places every day. But I don’t love that I am not connected to anybody, and that all there seems to be to do is watch Netflix or clean the house. And there is only so much of that you can do!

It’s not as simple as just keeping my usual routine either, although in some instances this has definitely helped and even been rewarding. But people travel on school holidays, or places get overwhelmingly busy, and now I have a working child, I have to stay somewhat available to drive him to said place of employment at the drop of a hat. Being casual means not much notice is offered. And when they are home, they don’t want to watch movies with me or play Mario Party the way we did when they were young. They are not interested in board games or fun fairs, they want to be hanging out with their friends.

Sometimes that can mean I have a house full of teenagers. Gaming boys and giggling girls, but when this happens I don’t like to leave them on their own, unless their parents are comfortable with that. Many are not which is why they still end up at my place to begin with. Which is ok, it keeps me busy with more dishes to wash, snacks to prepare, bedding to wash and meals to make. But still, with a house full of people I have nobody to talk to!

Thankfully I do have my online friends to chat with and keep me sane, and it does give me time to prepare for the onslaught of birthdays of almost everyone I know between January and April! So I pre write birthday cards ready to go in advance, and purchase and wrap gifts, prepare my GALentines roses and cards, press on with house cleaning, laundry and dishes, paying the bills and working on the budget. It’s not really boredom, just a sense that I cease to exist to the outside world for a month and a half, that still has me gasping for breath at the end of it all. I thought I wouldn’t feel that way now that the kids are older, but here we are.

The point of my post isn’t to complain that everyone forgets about me in the holidays, but to remind you all to check on your mummy friends during the holidays. If you can squeeze in a lunch or a dinner, or a cocktail or a coffee, please do invite us! We need someone to talk to who doesn’t speak fluently in mumble or terms we do not understand. We need to laugh and have fun and leave the house! Even if all you can do is call. Call! We need conversation, information about what has been going on in the outside world while we were trapped in captivity!

To the mothers out there who relate to this post, I feel you! May the force be with you. Here in Australia it is our long summer holidays and we are almost half way through them now! Stay strong sisters! We got this! And we must make up for this lull by insisting on a Fun Friendship February! Who is with me?!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Every stage of parenting is a challenge in some way or another. Check on your mummy friends with kids of any ages or stages!

Warm but not welcoming

I have a friend who is actively looking to increase her social circle, which she noted had become quite small somehow over the years. She put this down to some turbulence in her somewhat recent past, however now that is passed and her life is more stable and settled, she is ready to rebuild and renew herself.

Regardless of their reasons, I encourage people to be more mindful and aware and active in their pursuit of friendships, to take stock of past patterns and influences in your life and to aim to be better. To be more open and to invite more people into your world, in gentle, warm and welcoming ways.

Typically all it takes is a bit of effort to reach out and show interest, and then the other party has the option to reciprocate or politely decline. However, what my friend is finding, in her experiences of reaching out to people in a bid for friendly conversation is that the response is neither positive, nor negative. Instead it sits in warm, neutral territory, which is somewhat confusing.

Naturally, friendships evolve. I don’t think you can just start messaging someone on social media and immediately think you have found a friend. On the other hand, you can usually tell if that interest in connecting and conversing is mutual, and most people who are disinterested may just leave you on read and not respond at all, but it can be harder to read responses that are warm, but not welcoming.

What I mean by this, is that the person in question may answer your message, addressing the points you raised, but not leave much room for you to respond in turn. They might thank you for the compliment you offered as a gateway into conversation and mention the happenings at your mutual workplace or church or place of study, but not ask you any follow up questions or introduce new topics of conversation for you to continue on with.

My friend had reached out to someone in her church community, someone on the same volunteer roster as her. This person had really performed well in the task and was a Facebook friend of my friend, however they hadn’t really ever actually talked in person. My friend saw this as a person with potential common interests, values and beliefs and someone with whom a connection may authentically grow if she planted the seed.

As they had never spoken in person before, she decided to message this person first, as it felt less confrontational and intrusive, and because my friend does suffer from anxiety sometimes, online is the way she feels more comfortable connecting first. Before her and I met, she asked for an email correspondence from me, to get a feel for our connection. It is just how she is. Must be that inner writer in her.

Anyway, my friend messaged to say she had been impressed with this person’s performance recently, and apologized that they had never got the chance to interact in person yet, with them both always being busy with their respective duties, but she wanted to reach out and let this person know they have not gone unnoticed nor unappreciated within the team. She then offered a personal tidbit about a hobby/side hustle of hers, in the hopes that the other person would take the social cue and follow up with a question about said hobby. She signed off to have a good week and she would see them at church again soon.

The person read and responded to the message in a timely manner and agreed that things get so hectic during volunteering that nobody has much time for general chit chat and thanked my friend for taking the time to reach out. She said she appreciated the words of encouragement and it was nice to know people were paying attention. And she signed off telling my friend to also have a good week. So my friend was left questioning if she should bother approaching this person or if the lack of questions or further space for conversation was a polite rejection. She wondered if she should have mentioned any of the interests of the person that she has seen on social media, or if that would seem nosey or intrusive, given that the information had never been offered to her directly from the other churchgoer.

And I couldn’t help but wonder if this is the pitfall of messaging and online communication. It seems unlikely to me that had my friend approached this other member in person and said the exact things that she messaged about, the person in question would not have commented on her interesting hobby. And if she had, that opens up more avenues of sharing and opportunities for connection. But in an online world, people don’t feel as awkward about skipping over things and don’t necessarily put in the effort.

I told my friend it is possible this person isn’t really interested in a connection, however not to give up just yet. To be brave, introduce yourself in person now that you have conversed online and ask an open-ended question, that is still not too invasive or forceful, such as asking how long they have been a member at said church.

Sometimes it is just easier to tell in person how interested someone is or isn’t, as you can read body language and hear tone of voice and facial expressions. But then again, due to social conventions, maybe in person they are forced to be more polite. So my theory is once you have reached out online, then tried again in person, continue to be friendly to the prospective new friend, but not pushy. Be cordial and say hello on passing etc…, but let them make the next move. Give them the space to approach you and reciprocate the effort. If they do not, you have your answer.

And that’s ok! It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t like you if they don’t appear to be interested in connecting with you further on a more personal level, they might not have time in their lives for new friends, might be going through something or just don’t think you have enough in common to sustain a connection. You don’t need to know the reasons why or fixate on it. But what should you do instead?

Keep on being warm and friendly and welcoming to others and see who is reciprocating! Grow small talk slowly and don’t overshare, don’t pressure people or come across as desperate, as this will only make them suspicious of your intentions. Give people 2 or 3 chances to reciprocate incase they are shy or were uncertain about your own desires for connection, and if they don’t take the bait, politely move on.

Before you know it, your welcome mat will be dirty from all the new comers, but it does take time and patience. Practice makes perfect….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

New Years Friesolutions!

Welcome to 2024 readers! Thanks for sticking with me! In true new years style, I wanted to make 10 new years friesolutions to be a better friend this year. Who is with me? Friesolutions are just like normal resolutions but they revolve around our friends and the ways we relate to them on a day to day basis.

1.      Active listening

I wanted to start with active listening because I have to admit that I caught myself a few times last year waiting for an opening to speak, thinking about speaking instead of really listening to what my friends were sharing with me. I noticed a few occasions where I had forgotten an important appointment or celebration in their lives and once reminded I felt terrible about having not remembered to follow up on this detail and leaving people I care about feeling uncared for.

2.      Staying Present

This one is an obvious follow on from the last, because with technology like the smart watch, it is so hard to stay present with people and not get distracted by the notifications constantly pinging away at my wrist. At times these completely draw my mental energy away from the person I am with and I tune out and lose track of conversations that have been at times meaningful or important and my lack of attention makes us both lose momentum and it becomes a missed opportunity for connection.

3.      Don’t Take Things Personally

This has been one I have struggled with, despite it basically being the whole point of the blog. People get busy. They read your message and then forget to reply sometimes. People have other responsibilities and other demands on their time and their mind, and it isn’t realistic to expect to always be a priority for everyone. People have other relationships and as a good friend we should support and allow room for these other relationships to grow and flourish with our friend just as our own did.

4.      Be Patient and Forgiving

This one comes after not taking things personally, because sometimes things are personal and we do get hurt. There are only so many unanswered messages a person can send before feeling rejected, or sometimes our friends do let us down more directly. So it is important to keep in mind your own imperfections and show your friends some grace when they mess up. If you would hope they would show you patience and understanding when you mess up and accidentally let them down, you have to be willing to do the same for your friend in return. Which brings us nicely to our next point.

5.      Maintain Positive Regard

Sometimes after you feel rejected or hurt in some way, it changes the way you see that person. In extreme cases it can have you rewriting your entire narrative of the friendship in the past and questioning if that person was ever really your friend to begin with. This can happen when we lose positive regard for someone, and fail to remember that their intentions probably weren’t to hurt us, even if they clearly acted in ways that would. You have to be willing to look at the bigger picture, and see if you can understand what they were going through and what their motivations may have been to act in less than positive ways, even if they clearly weren’t thinking of how the consequences of their actions would impact you. It doesn’t always mean they didn’t care about you even if it meant they cared about something else more. Humans are selfish by nature sometimes.

6.      Spend More Time Talking.

In a digital world, I feel the amount of in person quality time spent with my friends has decreased, and sometimes it is easy not to notice, because you have seen their updates on social media, or you have sent a few messages here and there. But there is nothing like seeing your people in the flesh and doing something fun together. Really looking into their eyes and talking about life and the things that matter, hugging and actually making time for them. But when you can’t always do that, talk on the phone! I know that sounds crazy to most of us these days who get anxiety when the phone rings and would rather text. But talking on the phone keeps you connected in ways messaging can’t, unless you both have time for long time consuming message chats. Many do not have the luxury of time. Plus, things like tone and laughter are lost over messages.

7.      Match Their Investment.

If someone doesn’t seem all that interested in making a connection with you, that doesn’t have to be a problem or a mystery to be solved. It is ok to keep things casual and let them evolve, or not evolve into something deeper. You don’t need to prove your worth to someone who seems less than interested in being your friend, and you don’t have to dislike them as a result. It  is ok to be polite to people, and allow them the freedom to form their own opinions and judgements of you. Chasing people who aren’t all that interested will only make you both feel worse.

8.      Swim With The Current, Not Against It. Resistance Is Futile!

This is one of my biggest struggles with friendships. People flow into your life and the connection is wonderful and secure and close, and you can easily get attached and never want it to change. But inevitably your life, or theirs, will likely at some point deviate and create distance between you. Holding on is futile and a waste of energy. You have to learn to allow them space to go on their own path, no mater how far from yours it takes them. It doesn’t mean you wont or can’t still be close, you can, as long as you find ways to accept the changes and get around them instead of sulking that things aren’t the same. Which I am prone to if I’m being honest. Lol

9.      Be More Authentic and Vulnerable.

Some of my closest friends and I love to laugh. And this is a way to get close to people I haven’t always seen the value in, in my past. However, I have noticed a tendency in these friendships in particular to laugh off things that aren’t necessarily funny because it feels a bit scary to say if something has upset you or you have something more serious to share. I have friends who prefer to be strong and stoic and perhaps see crying for example as a weakness. I have friends who feel safer connecting on negatives than positives. And sometimes it doesn’t feel authentic when I agree with them for the sake of being accepted, when in reality I know they accept me as I am. Or maybe they would if I was actually being who I am instead of being who I think they want me to be.

10.  Know Yourself So Others Can Know You.

Perhaps sometimes we aren’t completely authentic because we don’t know ourselves well enough. So we might not know how we feel about the latest election campaign for example and end up kind of adopting our friends views and going along with them even if it feels a little uncomfortable. Or we might always do whatever they want to do, because we actually don’t know what it is we’d like to do, even if there is resentment building that everything is on their terms or a niggling feeling that you don’t actually really always enjoy doing the things they like to do. It is ok to take up space, make requests for time or activities that you enjoy. But you have to know what your needs are, in order to have them met.

These are my 10 new years friesolutions, do you have any to add? Whatever your resolutions are, or even if you don’t have any, I hope 2024 is your best year yet. Happy New Year Folks! Welcome to infinity and beyond! Can’t wait to see what the year has in store for us all!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

In the end it’s who you loved, not what you loved that matters.

Well readers, as 2023 comes to a close, I can feel a sense of disappointment that my life didn’t change too much in the last 12 months. I can’t say I picked up any new hobbies, or even any new friends. I can’t say I achieved anything earth shattering or changed the world in big or small ways.

But I can say that I was a support person for my son as he embarked on his journey into adulthood in starting his first part time job. I can say that I helped him do his applications for further study paths next year into a field of his choosing. I can say I helped him study for his drivers test and washed his uniform and lovingly packed his dinner for him on nights when he would need to eat in the break room at work instead of with his family. I can say I drove him to work, and rearranged my schedule to be available, and when my husband wasn’t able, I went to pick him up. I can say that I waited up for him to come home to laugh about his shift and share his joys and worries. I can say I got him just the right gifts for Christmas and his birthday because I pay attention to the things he loves. I can say I welcomed his friends into our home and encouraged their friendships to stay strong. I can say I was there to hold his hand when he had a day surgery on his toenail that was incredibly hard to watch let alone feel.  I can say he felt loved by me.

I can say I cheered on my daughter as she studied hard to achieve her goals of getting into accelerated learning. I can say I supported her through her first crush and shared her fears and anxieties and hopes and dreams. I can say I listened to her feedback that her Christmas presents last year were too childish for her about to be teenage self, and tried hard to think of things that would reflect what she loves and the stage of life she is in now. I can say that I kept up to date on the drama in her friendship circle but did not involve myself and still welcomed whoever she chose to invite into our home for sleepovers and girly giggle sessions. I can say I celebrated her awards and achievements and I was there to watch her proudly up on stage. I can say that I nailed her birthday present. I can say that I stock the fridge and freezer with her favourite treats and I let her paint her bedroom bright yellow because it made her happy. I can say I don’t fuss at her about the mess she makes everywhere, particularly her room, because my relationship with her is more important to me than a tidy room. I can say she felt loved by me.

I can say I helped my parents pack for their holiday, checked their mail and their place while they were away and I picked them up from the airport when they returned. I can say I took my husband to Costco for his birthday and fathers day because that is his favourite place to go. I can say that I tune in every Wednesday night to my friend’s radio show, and I give her feedback so that she knows I care enough to listen. I can say that I supported my other friend through her IVF journey, went to appointments and sat alone in waiting rooms for hours and held her hand when the results weren’t what she’d hoped. I can say that I babysat her cat when she went on holiday to get away from it all and I made her a playlist for her travels. I can say I babysat my friends kid when she was in a bind, even though it meant getting up at 3am that day. I can say that I was there for someone who got some really hard news, that I made the effort to consistently check in with her and just be an ear for a much needed vent and cry. I can say that I booked us into a spa she loves to try and help with the stress and I can say that we ate a bit more comfort food than usual because it is what she needed to do. I can say they felt loved by me.

The point of this post isn’t to brag about how awesome I am. The point of this post is to say that we often reflect back at the year passed in a negative context and highlight all the things we didn’t do or achieve, but the reason you maybe didn’t achieve the things you set out to do at the start of the year might be because you were busy loving and caring for the people that need you. The things you do for yourself matter, I am not trying to say that they don’t. If you did all of this and still achieved your goals and dreams then more power to you!

What I am saying is that ultimately people remember how you make them feel, more than what you loved, what you achieved or what you tried to do. So if all you can say for yourself this year is that you loved, that you were a good friend, a good person, then just know, that is more than enough. In the end it is who you loved and how you loved, not what you loved that matters.

If you are still single this year and you hoped not to be, but you had good friends and family around you, then please know that you are loved.

If you feel like you didn’t give enough love this year; that’s ok, there is always next year! We will talk friesolultuons next post!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Last Minute Cheap and Easy Gift Ideas

So, it is the week before Christmas, figuratively and literally and you are down to your last ten dollars and have run out of inspiration, when you realise you have forgotten someone on your list, or that someone has got something for you that you weren’t expecting and now you feel you need to reciprocate. And you need help!

Don’t panic! It’s not too late to come up with something!

My first suggestion is a picture collage. This can be easily done with free apps on your phone. You simply select all the images of you and your friend, or go to their social media and screenshot some photos of them with the people they care about if you don’t have any of yourself with them. Maybe select 10-15 pictures within the last 12 months. Upload them to the app and create a collage. Add some text and stickers and on Christmas morning pop a reminder in your phone to send it to them! Or before if you like. If you do have the time and resources, this can even be printed for low cost at your local diy photo printing station, or even at home on paper, popped in a nice frame and there you have a meaningful, thoughtful, cheap and easy gift.

https://piccollage.com/

But what happens if you have way more than 15 pics you want to use? Easy, there are apps for making these little video’s too, and they are also free. Sometimes your phone will even do it all for you and you just have to download it and send it. You can select a meaningful song or just the general tunes, like upbeat or slow sad tunes and it will play along to a slide show of the images you selected. If it is too big to send, you can get a free compressor app and that usually helps!

If all of that sounds a bit to technical for you, then my next suggestion is to get onto Spotify and create a playlist. It is really really easy to use, you just search for the songs you like, choosing ones meaningful to your friendship, or to your friend and then add them as a collaborator and they will be able to listen to your tunes on Christmas morning. Send it with a heartfelt message and let them know that music has a way of saying all the things you can’t find the words to say yourself.

Moving away from technical gifts, I am a big believer in the regift. Someone gave you a box of chocolates that you wont eat? Wrap it up and give it to someone. Maybe 3 people gave you a bath and body pack? Use one to create a little hamper for a friend with things you already had at home anyway!

If you’re not technical and you don’t have anything to regift, bake something festive and easy like coconut ice or craft them something from home, like a special ornament for the tree. If neither of those are your special gifts, then maybe you could write them something? A letter or a story or something funny?

Failing all of that, find one of those cards that says you couldn’t think of the perfect thing to get  them, so you didn’t get them anything and throw a scratch off card or lotto ticket inside if you can!

Remember it is the thought that counts so just do something for the people you care about to show them that you thought of them and cared enough to make some effort instead of using excuses not to do anything. A gift is a gesture of love, it makes people feel special and worth a little of your time and investment! It can say “You’re worth a lot to me” without being worth a lot of money.

Anyway folks, that’s a wrap on my Christmas posts; wishing you all Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas Friends!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Gift Wrapping With Wine PJ Slumber Parties!

Ok readers, I don’t know about you, but personally  I love getting people gifts, I love carefully selecting them, watching them open it and delight in whatever I bought. And actually, I do quite like wrapping them! However, at Christmas time, this can become an overwhelming task, can’t it?! With so many people to buy for all at once, finding the time, ALONE, to wrap everything is nearly impossible.

It’s not like the world slows down at Christmas, does it? If anything, everything else ramps up a notch too. You have meals to plan, ingredients to buy, parties to attend, deadlines to meet, end of year ceremonies to sit through and travel arrangements to make. You have recipes to research and decorations to hang, and houses to clean. Laundry doesn’t stop either, nor do the day to day chores and bills, so how are you meant to find the time?

I have a solution, and it is FUN. Find someone to watch the kids, arrange to go to whoever’s house wont have spouses and children in attendance for the night and plan a good old fashioned slumber party! Or book a hotel if you have to, or even just if you want to, and you can afford it! Why not?! I know you are probably thinking you are far too old and mature for such silly things, and why would it need to be a sleepover anyway?

It needs to be a sleepover for 2 obvious and important reasons. Firstly is the wine consumption, that way there will be no limits and no drink driving! But secondly, because what you need to do, is load all the gifts into a suitcase, plus some wrapping, labels, tape, cards, ribbons and bows etc…. (and wine, obviously) and throw your pj’s on top. Everyone in the family will have questions if you leave for a dinner party with a suitcase, so this is why it HAS to be a sleepover!

When you get there, you immediately change into your pj’s and pour wine. Then you decide how it is going to work. Will you all help one person at a time to wrap their gifts, because 4 hands (or 6 or 8 or 10!) are better and quicker than 2, or will you each wrap your own gifts individually but together as a group? Will someone else write your Santa tags so the kids don’t recognize your handwriting?

This has many benefits. Firstly, it’s fun, its time with friends away from the family, and it’s productive and cheeky. It always feels like a bit of a rush to do something a bit sneaky like this and get away with it! Secondly, if you still have one or 2 difficult people to buy for, you can see what other people bought for the people in their lives and maybe steal an idea or 2! Thirdly, when you return to the house, the suitcase can be neatly stored away wherever it goes, full of neatly wrapped gifts ready to go and nobody will suspect a thing!

And, one of the best things about it is that it can become a tradition, something you do and look forward to each year together with your friends, and your spouse can’t really complain because you are in fact getting important stuff done (if you let them in on the secret that is. If you think they are a peeker, then you can always say you have agreed to help everyone else.

These sorts of traditions are great for making memories and building on. The purpose may be gift wrapping, but that doesn’t mean you can’t watch cheesy Christmas romance movies at the same time if you want to, or that you can’t go out for a fancy dinner before, during or after the wrapping. Maybe you’ll all play your favourite Christmas song to the others, and dance, or tell stories about your favourite holiday memories. Maybe when it is all done you will take a walk and look at the Christmas lights together, or visit a gravestone of someone special on the other side, or see a show.

If you get lucky, one of your friends might show you one of those cool fancy new ways to wrap gifts, or you could watch youtube videos on it and try to follow along. You could even make it more fun by challenging everyone to research a fancy wrapping technique to show the group!

In the morning you can sober up over coffee and croissants and help with the cleaning up. Just make sure everyone has walked away with their own presents in their own suitcase or Christmas morning could be quite upsetting and stressful!

This tip even works for those of you who do a spot of last minute shopping as long as the slumber party happens 2 or 3 days before Christmas as obviously it can’t be done on Christmas eve, unfortunately.

If this method won’t work for you, then I suggest setting aside a quiet time in the evening when everyone is in bed, one evening a week until Christmas and do Wrapping Wednesdays for example. Maybe the first night you wrap the kids gifts, then the next week you do your partner and or family, then the next your extended friends and colleagues etc….

Not you. Not this year. Not if you’re organised!

And hey, if all else fails, pack all your gifts into the car, go to the shops, bring an empty trolley to the car, load the presents in, and take it to the charity gift wrapping stall. Might be the best thirty dollars you spend, and you can do shopping or have a coffee while you wait! Where there’s a will there’s a way. 

But at the end of the day, friends are there to help and always make things more fun!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Christmas Card Poems For Friends

Have you picked up the dreaded blank card and don’t know how to fill it for your friend this Christmas? This week I threw together 2 little poems for you to use if you are a bit stumped on what to write in your friends Christmas card/message. Feel free to change it up however you like, or see this previous blog post for more handy hints on what to write if poetry is a bit over the top for you!

You’ve been my friend,
Through many seasons,
Seen me laugh and cry,
For many reasons.

Through thick and thin,
We’ve been together,
Our friendship strong,
In any weather.

Another year,
Of friendship passed,
Oh what a year,
It’s gone so fast.

Oh my friend,
It’s been a pleasure,
Yours is a friendship,
That I treasure.

So this Christmas time,
And all year through,
You’re receiving love,
From Me to You xx

What an exciting,
Time of year,
Christmas parties,
Free wine and Beer.

Trees in the house,
And lights outside,
Buy people gifts,
But wrap them to hide.

The world goes mad,
For 25 days,
But for us it is permanent,
Not just a phase!

Of all the gifts,
Under your tree,
None of them compare,
To you and me.

Merry Christmas,
My crazy friend,
Until next year,
When we meet again!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Fun Virtual Advent Idea for Friends

Well folks, December is upon us once again, and you know I can’t write anything non Christmas related this month! Haha I do love Christmas. So this month I wanted to share with you a little virtual advent calendar I made for some friends.

It sounds a little strange and perverse, if not perverted, but I have a friend who has always been somewhat fascinated by animal appendages! The weirder the more wonderful. So last year in her advent calendar; which was just a cheap shop bought wooden reusable light up thing with wee drawers she could pull out, I placed a $1 scratchie card folded up with little elastics to make it look like a little present, and underneath that I stuck a QR code to the bottom of the drawer.

I set each QR code with a free online tool to a photo I made on my phone, which I just screen shot from the internet and added text to. So for example, the first text my friend ever sent me, before we were even really friends and I kind of only knew her in a professional context, was an echidna penis. Google it. Very weird! Haha So that obviously had to be in drawer number one with a little caption about that being the first text of our friendship.

https://www.qr-code-generator.com/

I went on to find a 2 pronged one, for number 2 and just kind of found funny ways to relate to the number in the advent card as the calendar progressed. Just silly fun. Obviously a niche market for this kind of thing but you could use anything from pictures of you both together, your top 25 memories together, favourite foods, whatever your friend is into.

Discussing this with some different friends at our pre-Christmas dinner catch up, they were rolling in stitches laughing at the idea and insisted I send it to them too. Not having time to do the whole advent calendar, I just went totally virtual on this occasion and set a reminder in my phone to send them the daily picture which I had in my phone from making it anyway, and sent it to our little group chat for a giggle. They loved it.

I had another friend who really loved music, so for 25 days I sent her a Christmas song, with a little text about the meaning of the song in relation to our friendship (although I had to be creative there, sometimes just the song is enough.

https://open.spotify.com/

You could easily use Gif’s, meme’s, photo’s, music, funny cat videos, inspirational quotes, cute Christmas food ideas or recipes and so many more.

My friend made one for me, with trivia and riddles, she wrapped 25 little gifts for me, each one like a chocolate and a purse sized toiletry, such as tweezers or purse pack perfume or lip gloss or lip balm, nail file etc… all inexpensive. She labelled them 1 to 25 and I had to solve the riddle before I was allowed to open the gift.

You could easily use this idea, or a virtual idea to do maybe a truth or dare version, maybe doing alternate days for truth and dare. Truths could help you get to know them and could be anything from “what is your favourite colour” to “tell me something about you nobody else knows?” Dares could range from easy, for example “send me a picture of you with a toe in your mouth” or more embarrassing like “take an ugly selfie and make it your profile picture for 24 hours.”

The options for fun here are limitless and are as vast  as your imagination. Just remember it is meant to be fun, so don’t stress over it too much, it’s ok if it is silly and imperfect, and it is ok if it is meaningful and sentimental. Whatever fits your friendship works for you.

I have heard of the idea of doing an escape room type of one, which I definitely want to try. You don’t open the numbers in order except for the first one, then each one leads to a riddle which tells you which number to open the following day. It can include small keys, mini scissors locked with suitcase locks, or codes and all sorts of cool things, but I haven’t figured out the logistics of the whole idea of one of these yet and put it to the test. I do plan to do this but as I am away on an international cruise from next week until right before Christmas a more virtual approach will have to do this year. Another bonus! I can easily do this while I am away on holiday to keep the Christmas spirit rolling even though I am not there. If anybody tries this and has success before me, please get in touch with ideas and suggestions or instructions!

What I really love about doing it virtually is that you can include friends from near and far this way. You can create group chats and do it as a group, each taking turns to create something, or you can do as many individual ones as you like without too much effort. All you have to do is think of something your friend likes, google and save the 25 images or links and send one a day!

For instructions click link below

https://www.kapwing.com/resources/make-your-own-digital-christmas-advent-calendar/

It tells your friend you are thinking of them and wishing them well over the holiday season and sending them smiles from wherever you are!

Have fun folks. Let me know your ideas!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When the word Friend isn’t big enough but nothing else fits either.

Friendships are relationships. This idea seems to make people feel very uncomfortable but at the end of the day, they are. They are people we relate to and maintain positive regard for. We love our friends. This too makes some people squirm. Because we have no way to categorise this love, separate from that of romantic or familial love. But yet it is distinctly different.

Romantic love encompasses a passion, a level of attraction, and in most cases some forms of physical intimacy. Familial love encompasses a feeling so big, you might die for the other, and a level of security and comfort that perhaps friendship love does not always contain. Familail relationships don’t end. You may disown someone in your family, but that will never stop them from being family. Family is fact. Does that make friendship fiction?

Friendships can start and end spontaneously, and can cause joy and pain just like any other relationship. We seek out this connection more than any other type, on the basis of non monogamy and the freedom to enjoy many aspects of many people at once. We don’t usually expect one friend to meet all our needs and typically certain friends bring about certain aspects of ourselves that other friends do not.

But often times, along the way you meet someone special. Someone so important and big in your life that calling them a friend doesn’t seem big or special or important enough to reflect what they are or what they mean to you. People might assume, they are like family to you, but that doesn’t always fit either, and then there are often assumptions of underlying romantic notions which are also unfounded.

I suppose that is where the term best friend really comes from, another way to express that your friend is special, that the love between you is bigger than any other friendship, deeper, more powerful. But sometimes best friend doesn’t really fit either. Maybe your best friend is someone you see more regularly but this other person is someone you feel drawn and connected to on a soul level?

Soulmates is another term that makes people wrinkle their nose when said in relation to a friendship, so many might use soul sister or use terms like “my person.” These are all ways of basically saying that you have found your favourite person, standing alone as important outside of your other important relationships.

The question is bigger than what term to use to describe this person to others, because at the root of it, what we really want is a way to convey our big feelings and have them reflected back to us and understood and accepted. Not questioned, judged and criticized. If we want this person at Christmas with the family, for example, we want our family to understand, accept and welcome this person instead of question why they would be invited. Or if we want this person to inherit our children in the event of our untimely death, we want to know that our family will embrace and support this person and their journey without us.

Sometimes words just aren’t big enough to describe the weight and depth of our feelings. I could tell you to make up your own words like “frelationship” or I could encourage you to worry less about the words you use and more about the actions you take to demonstrate both to your favourite person, and to the other people around you and them that this relationship takes pride of place in your life, and that it is here to stay if they understand it or not, so they may as well accept it.

In time folks, with patience and perseverance, it will eventually go without saying that you and your person are a bit of a package deal, whether that means just you and them, or you and them and your significant others, or you and them and your family/extended family and their family/extended family.

You don’t have to answer the question of how or why or find language that fits, and sometimes the best and most honest thing to say is that there aren’t quite words to describe the connection, but then again, there never is when it comes to big love.

If you have a person like this in your life, consider yourself luckier than anyone who doesn’t quite understand it, and send wishes for them that they too, will one day find their person. Meanwhile continue living and loving, whoever you love and whatever that means for you!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

We aren’t best friends anymore… how do I bring it up?

You probably had a best friend in kindy when you were 4 years old. That person is probably not your best friend today. Neither is your year 7 best friend, nor your secondary school bestie, or your bestie from your first job. Because we grow and change and evolve and our friendships have to do the same.

It’s no longer enough that you both like Mario to keep you close, but that doesn’t mean you are no longer friends either. If you are lucky, some of the best friends you have had along the way are very much still friends. Just the best bit has mutually fallen from your language as you both understand the closeness you once shared has naturally dissipated as you gravitated towards other people with more in common, or more availability.

It usually doesn’t even mean that you like your old bestie any less than you did before, they are still awesome and still make you laugh or know just what you need to hear because they have known you forever and they get you at a core level sometimes. This is what pulls us back to our past, the strong connections we formed as youngsters full of innocent acceptance, trust and curiosity.

However sometimes, the dropping of the word best from the friendship title isn’t exactly mutual. And it can feel like pressure, or make you feel terribly guilty when a friend calls you their best friend when the sentiment is no longer reciprocated. Should you tell them? Is it wrong to go along with the pretense that you are still best friends when that is not authentically how you feel? Do they hold unreasonable expectations you cannot fill based on this high ranking friendship status? Should you tell them if you feel “best friends” is a term children use and you don’t believe in such a ranking system as an adult?

Actually, I don’t advise it. When someone calls you their best friend, they are describing your position in their life. You do not need to reciprocate, but if this person is your friend, it seems cruel and unnecessary to point out that you feel their values on this are childish or that you stopped being best friends long ago.

Think about your friendship. If your friend still refers to you as a best friend, they are saying they value your friendship just the way it is. They are not necessarily expecting any more from you than you are already offering and out of all the friends they have, perhaps they still like or value you the most. You are allowed to feel good about that and understand this terminology is used to express their gratitude and feelings of love towards you, not to make you feel pressured or uncomfortable.

And let’s not forget that this isn’t even always about you. Some people use the term best friend to describe one hierarchical pairing, while others use the term as a catch all for all their close friends. I know many people who will still say “Leila, my best friend from Kindy” although it is unclear if Leila is still their best friend, or was only their best friend in Kindy, it really doesn’t matter.

If you enjoy your friendship with someone who calls you a best friend, then I say, keep on enjoying it. What’s the harm? I know not correcting them can feel like a lie or an omission, but that is only true if you consider that a best friendship needs to be reciprocal and not a label that they get to decide where you fall in their life, not you.

Sure, you don’t have to sign their next birthday card “with love from your bestie” but it doesn’t hurt to focus on what positives you do feel, such as that you are grateful for their friendship! If you aren’t sure what to say when it comes up in conversation, like when Jane says “Karen, I am so glad you are my best friend!” Instead of saying thank you, you can reciprocate without using such strong language and say “I’m so glad too that we have stayed close over the years, your friendship is meaningful to me too. Thank you.”

If you don’t want to hurt your friend and the friendship, I think the answer is not to bring it up and just pat yourself on the back for being such an awesome friend!

But if that advice really really doesn’t sit well with you and you feel a pressing need to address the issue, please be gentle. Because it could feel like a rejection which, if you are still friends, it shouldn’t be. Nor should it feel like an accusation of immaturity. So you could try saying that you have so many wonderful friends these days you became conflicted and dropped the word best. Or that you read an article that said the word best in relation to friendships is exclusionary and makes your other non-best friends feel badly about their lesser ranked connection with you, so out of courtesy for everyone you no longer feel comfortable labelling any connections that way.

But what if you do have another best friend, that you do call your best friend, and it isn’t the friend who is calling you their best friend? I think if you have to say anything, perhaps humour is the  way to go. You could say “don’t let Mike hear you call me your best friend, I don’t want any fist fights over me thanks! Haha” This implies that you are using this terminology with Mike, or at least Mike is using it with you. If your friend pushes for more info on how you feel, you can just shrug and say it depends on your mood and how cursed you are to have such wonderful friends to choose from!

Whatever you decide to do, just keep on being the best friend you can be to every friend you have!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Divorce; when 2 become ones.

A few weeks back we discussed changes, before our broadcast was interrupted by Halloween! So getting back onto the topic, I wanted to revisit divorce. Divorce is another major change in a person’s life. Sadly, it is pretty common to lose friends when you go through a divorce. Couple friends may treat you like you are cursed with some disease they don’t want to catch, or just prefer to hang out with other couples, which you are no longer. Or you might have found that somehow all of your spouse’s friends had become your friends and suddenly loyalty reminds you of whose friends they really were.

It’s not all bad news, because often fresh divorcees are ready and willing to explore themselves, rediscover and recreate their identity and with that often comes new people. It can be a confronting but exciting time all at once. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t change the dynamics of your social circle and test the loyalties and boundaries you always thought you knew.

Someone in my outer circle; a friend of a friend, has recently ended a 25 year marriage. Her husband felt it was time as the youngest child approaches 18, which is legally an adult here in Australia. The shock hit hard for the wife though. She hadn’t seen it coming while he was implying that he had known for a long time and was merely waiting it out for the kids sakes, while she thought they were happy and planning retirement together. This kind of shock can lead you to question yourself at your core and it is really when you need your friends the most to remind you who you are and that you are good enough.

So my friend’s friend was doubly shocked when her bestie of many years asked “would it be ok if I contact Mr Ex?” Wow. Her friend stated that she had always liked hubby and that she would miss the awesome foursome they had built over the years hanging out with their partners together. To say it stung was an understatement. Never in a million years was wifey expecting this from bestie. She just couldn’t seem to understand.

When wifey complained that Mr Ex wanted to sell the family home from under her, and that he was already hitting the gym and on dating apps, bestie simply said good on him, and advised wifey to do the same, to get on with her life. When wifey complained the kids may live with Mr Ex as he could afford the house and she’d have to move in with her mother, bestie said it was better that she wasn’t alone and the kids were soon to be adults anyway.

Bestie just wasn’t able to show the expected compassion and empathy, and wifey to be honest felt betrayed by the idea that bestie would contact Mr Ex, although she was mature enough not to say so aloud. It seemed as if everyone was on his side, if there were sides and nobody understood her.

That was, at least, until she had a catch up with 2 old friends that were also divorced! Suddenly she felt closer to these old friends she had kind of lost touch with than her best friend of 30 years. But it wasn’t lost on her that she had lost touch with them BECAUSE they were divorced and she probably hadn’t been as understanding and empathetic as they had needed at the time.

The truth is, nobody can really understand what you are going through, unless they have experienced it themselves. Divorce is one of these life altering changes that blows up everything you thought you knew, and throws you into an alternate reality, forcing you to perhaps see what was always there, but unacknowledged.

Wifey’s expectations of her best friend may not have been realistic. They tended to be surface level, lots of fun and laughter and good times. It was assumed based on constant and consistent time and enjoyment together that this bond would flourish further in hard times, but that simply wasn’t the case. Bestie had also been partnered for a very long time and had never really suffered a heartbreak on this level. Having no kids herself, meant she was unable to relate to the struggles of a single parent going through said heartbreak and trying to keep it together for the kids. And if wifey is a good friend, despite it all, she will forgive her friend and hope she never does understand.

The new connections formed with the other divorced women felt natural and fast. They were able to offer advice about lawyers and finances and dating apps! They shared similar tales and the ways they had coped when they went through it. And they taught wifey some grace. As she apologized to them for not being a good friend when they themselves had suffered as she was now, and explained she obviously just didn’t get it.

Looking at each other and smiling, her 2 new confidants each took one of her hands and told her it was ok. They understood that she couldn’t know what it was like, they didn’t expect her to know and they were sorry that the reconciliation as such was under these circumstances. That they forgave her for not knowing what to say, and for finding it easier to ignore the problem and continue on with her own life blissfully unaware.

So although wifey has been disappointed with the reaction of her best friend, and she knows some more distance will naturally grow there now, she is able to be forgiving and understanding that her friend is not in a place to empathize with her. That she thinks practically not emotionally and always has. That her expectations were not in line with reality.

But that it is ok. Life changes, people change, friendships change. Maybe one day they will be close again, either when wifey is more settled, or when bestie is less settled. It doesn’t have to be sad and bitter. Change brings about some pain, but inevitably it also always brings about some good too. Wifey has finally decided to embrace it, embrace her new friends, and put herself out there again on the apps, for friendship, or something more!

Divorce can divide more than a marriage, but you can decide what the end result of the equation will be. It might change or end some friendships, but it also might bring you some great new or renewed ones. Sometimes you’re surprised by who is really there for you and who isn’t. Just follow your heart and go where the love is.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The dark side of friendship culture and the common enemy.

Happy Halloween folks, hope you had a spooctacular evening! So what better time to discuss the dark side of friendship? Friend. What is a friend really? A friend is a person you like who also likes you. Simple really. But until you met them and got talking, they were just a stranger. You didn’t know they would become a friend. Once they are a friend, you mentally separate them from the pack and put a little more emphasis on their good points. This is all very normal behaviour. But what about the rest of the people in the world who are not friends. If they are not friends, does that make them enemies?

Maybe not to the extreme, but many of us seem to carry a level of distrust and hesitancy about people we do not know. And you can quickly find yourself judging someone else unfairly with someone who is a friend.

Let’s pretend you’re working in an office, and you are sitting with your work wife, (or husband) and a new person walks in. Your partner in crime makes a snide remark about the new person’s hair, and without thinking twice you chime in with a similar tone about their shoes. As time goes on, you find yourselves bonding over this common enemy, without stopping to question if it is warranted. Each of you watches the new person with eagle eyes, picking up mistakes or character flaws, and can’t wait to have a laugh and report back to each other on the latest encounter.

Such a thing happened to a friend of mine recently, and then there was a change around of the office structure, meaning herself and the newbie were put together on a team without work wife. And as my friend got to know newbie, she actually grew to like her and understand her a lot more. It was only then that it had dawned on her that she had been really unkind initially (secretly) and it weighed on her conscience that she could be so judgmental and find sick pleasure in disliking someone for no valid reason.

It got us talking about other times this had happened, and it was something to which I could relate, or times I could remember when I took a disliking to someone based on someone else’s opinions and dealings with a person, without knowing them myself. And what was even more alarming, was that in that instance my friend at the time later did get to know that common enemy and actually quite liked her, it turns out her opinions that she shared with me had been sparked by someone else. So this false negative image of someone was spreading wide and far, and was totally unfair and unfounded.

I am really pleased that my friends tend to be people who are self-aware enough to catch themselves in these sorts of behaviours and challenge themselves to be better, to be fair, to not judge people so quickly next time. I too do try, as I recall starting work at an office and being warned to stay away from a certain colleague and thanking that person for their concern and proudly telling that person I prefer to judge someone based on my own experiences with them and not on the hearsay of others. In that instance, I think I probably would have been wise to listen, but at least I did end up forming my own negative judgements after learning the hard way!

So what is it about the common enemy factor that we find so bonding in the first place? Why do we engage in this toxic high school behaviour? I have to go ahead and imagine that it stems from some form of insecurity and the targets of these unwarranted attacks are in some way a threat to those of us hating on them. In some ways I suppose it serves to tighten the bond we have with our friend so that this interloper cannot penetrate or destroy said bond, and it makes us feel better than them, without directly saying so.

There is also something motivating about having a common enemy, you become a team hoping to take down a common target, united, which feels safer and more secure. American professor, author and podcaster Brene Brown calls this common enemy intimacy.

If you find you are the instigator of negative comments, you have learned to look for negatives in others, to categorise yourself and other people in a negative light, almost as a defense mechanism to getting hurt. These people tend to avoid vulnerability and love to bond over negative things. If you are talking about your favourite restaurant they may tune in with how much they hate a certain menu item or bad service they received there, as it feels less vulnerable. If you agree with them, you bond, if you disagree, it isn’t seen as a personal attack, you just have different tastes in foods.

If you are the friend who joins in this negativity after someone else starts it, then you are the sort of person who alters yourself to fit in, in an effort to belong. It feels so confronting to say to your friend when they judge someone “that is unkind, we don’t even know that person. Let’s give them a chance.” We risk alienating ourselves from a friend if we do this, and we want to fit in to feel like we belong.

But as Brene Brown says herself “If we alter our true selves to fit in, then we belong to others and not to ourselves.” What we need to be willing to do is to stand for what we believe in, even if it means standing alone, and encourage others to stand with us.

That’s not to say your negative friend isn’t a good person, they probably are, they are just driven by fear. You have to accept that they see the negatives as a default and ask if you want to be like them, or if you want to try to gently help them be better. This is done by setting a positive example, but also by trying to encourage them to share what they love and enjoy, to find the more positive side of them that they are reluctant to share.

That is where the real bonding happens and it is powerfully positive.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

The Spooky Side Of Social Media

I have a wonderful friend who hosts an awesome 90’s radio show on a Wednesday evenings on 89.7fm called the 90’s spin with Lee. As such, her research into songs and facts from the 90’s has sparked many conversations between us about that era and what we were doing with our lives before mobile phones and the internet let alone social media.

My post was going to be called Facebook; Friends or Foe, because I love alliteration, but this post is looking to explore the spooky side of social media and the friendships created there, not just on Facebook, but all social media platforms, and just in time for a spooky time of year! Happy Halloween Homies! haha

So my friend Lee and I are both 80’s babies, and were both tweens and teens in the 90’s. It was our time to shine and looking back how simple times really were without all the technology that is around now. Not that either of us would like to go back to that time, but it is still fun to reminisce and share and compare stories, as we didn’t know one another back then! And, as it happens, we did sorta meet online, via a mutual acquaintance. So were it not for technology we wouldn’t even be friends at all!

That said, we both know we got pretty lucky and we each were who we said we were, because the dark side of social media technology is simply that you actually never really know who you are talking to! When Lee and I were between 16-19 years old, is when the internet started taking off in big ways. Those of you old enough to remember will be familiar with the old dial up soundtrack that comes straight to mind from this era!

Lee, being a tiny bit older than me, and a lot more tech savvy than me, was straight into the chat rooms to make online friends, and she described these friends, at the time as some of the most important and influential people in her life. On her 18th birthday for example, she had her online friends write her a birthday sentiment, that she then printed and asked her brother to read aloud to the crowd at her birthday party like old school telegrams. And the messages were from people known only by screen names such as Grug.

Looking back, Lee is quite honest with me as she says she actually really had very little clue who Grug was presenting to be online, let alone who they really were behind the screens, and yet there was this lack of caution, as they shared deep personal information with each other in cyberspace. In some instances Lee shares with me that she even travelled interstate to meet some of these people and stay at their houses! As you’d imagine this didn’t always go smoothly! Luckily, she survived to tell the tale!

But what it brings about in our minds is how quickly we went from “don’t talk to strangers and definitely don’t get into cars with strangers” to “Use the internet to call a stranger to get into the car with.” We mean Uber and such, and obviously safety protocols have come a long way since the 90’s pioneers first started navigating this online world, however at the end of the day, most of us have online friends, and it’s entirely possible that we don’t actually know them at all.

What’s even scarier is that our younger generations are constantly online, on social media and gaming platforms, at a much younger age than Lee and I were as we stumbled into the spaces. And they assume everyone they are playing with or chatting to is a similar age to themselves, which as adults, we know not to be the case. Yet we can’t keep our kids offline in a world that has become tech dependent! So how do we limit who they talk to on these platforms, without limiting their social and emotional growth?

There are all sorts of parenting controls and apps you can install, and if that works for you, then go ahead and use them. But I think the answer lies in communicating our experiences, positive and negative with our kids and about how much of themselves to share, and not to share with anybody online, if you know them in person or not! Talk to them about blocking and reporting anyone who makes them uncomfortable or is threatening, abusive or bullying. And never sharing their location in any way while they are still in that location publicly!

Which is another spooky side of the online world, anyone can message you anything, any time of the day or night and at times this bullying can be so relentless that people feel they can’t escape. Which is what makes the 90’s a nostalgically simple time, because if you didn’t want to be contactable, you didn’t have to be.

Even now, I grapple with social media and what to post/share or what not to. I have friends who like to share everything they do, and I used to do the same. But as I settle and grow older, I more and more relish the privacy that comes with enjoying a meal, event, day or evening out without broadcasting it to the world. It almost feels like a novelty to do something as simple as have a cocktail with a friend and not tell anyone but them! It almost feels naughty, like you are doing something taboo by not advertising or bragging to everyone.

And of course, it can cause upset amongst you and the people who did want to share it. They might feel that you aren’t proud or happy to be seen out with them and don’t want to be part of your dirty little secret. Or they may tag you in their own post and then people with mutual friends see it anyway even if you didn’t accept the tag in your privacy settings! There are also memories and reminders of people, places and things that you might not care to be reminded about, and passive aggressive posts leaving you wondering if that was about you and if you have upset someone. There are online unfriendings which almost certainly translate directly as such to the real world, and updates from people you went to school with that were never even really your friends back then and certainly aren’t now. Do you really want them knowing about everything you post? Do you really care and want to see about them? The dark side is, you kinda do, and you don’t know why…. It unleashes everyone’s inner stalker!

At the end of the day, these platforms are what allow us to stay connected. I can video chat with my friend in Italy, and message my parents when they are away in the UK, and see the day to day updates of the antics of my friend’s bunny in Texas. It allows me to feel less lonely and more connected to the people I care about, so I wouldn’t want to be without it.

But I also wouldn’t want anyone to forget that it definitely has it’s dark side. To be careful who you friend, who you talk to, what you share, who you share it with and who you do or don’t tag when you do! It’s a minefield, so watch your step! You might step on some landmines, but you also might find some treasures, as I did with Lee, so maybe overall the risk is worth the rewards?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

You’ve Changed…..

We all grow and learn in life, and they say a man who believes the same things at 40 that he believed at 20 has wasted 20 years. Naturally when we change, sometimes our friendships change, or in extreme cases, our friends change. This swap is usually not as dramatic as it sounds though. Life takes us all on a journey that deviates from those around us at any given time. We lose touch with high school friends when we go to higher learning or start careers, and often lose touch with those people too when we change careers or workplaces and have families of our own. These are all very common circumstances.

It’s not that we dislike the people we went to school with, it’s more that in truth we don’t know them anymore. We knew who they were, but we also remember who we were, and how much we have changed since then! So when you are curious late at night and looking up old school friends on social media, you are not looking to see who they were, you are interested in who they became after you knew them.

I’ve certainly heard of many cases of people getting back together with old childhood friends and finding they no longer had anything in common or any connection, but that is certainly not always the case. I have friends that I have maintained from school years, and even then I think with some of them, if we met today we probably wouldn’t like each other. In those instances, what has grown and changed is our friendship. It has evolved with us and we have learned to love and understand the new versions of ourselves that we have become along the way.

But what happens when you have a major change, that your friends and family didn’t quite see coming? I had the pleasure of talking to a lovely trans woman a few months ago, however, she said she was sadly having to make all new friends after her transition. Not because her friends were unfriendly towards her, they tried to be supportive, but being who she is, as opposed to who she had pretended to be the rest of her life, meant that the things they had in common had suddenly disappeared overnight!

She had been born a he. He was married with 2 young children, to a wife he loved dearly and in a happy life he did not want to disrupt. But he could no longer live a lie. He had always felt he had been born into the wrong body, and he could no longer pretend. But when he became who she had always been inside, her life very suddenly changed.

She went from being happily married to separated, living in a family home with the kids, to living in a spare bedroom of a friends house and from watching footy and drinking beer with the guys on weekends to drinking wine alone. Her friends had tried to understand, but the manly man they had been friends with was gone, and in a sense, perhaps they were grieving him instead of celebrating her. In her defense, she still valued male friendships – it was what she had known her whole life, she still liked football, and she still even did like women, even if this also now extended to a curiosity about relationships with men.

But her friendships didn’t feel the same anymore. Each party felt a sense of betrayal and lack of trust for the other, and the change was so big, so sudden, so opposite – that it caused a lot of the fibres holding them together to snap. Some friends didn’t know what to say, so said nothing. This silence was heard as judgement ad fear. Some friends asked too many intrusive or offensive questions, and again this was interpreted as judgement. Some simply enjoyed a beer with the boys and no longer saw her as such. Some were unsure what they could now say or joke about in her presence, while others were not sensitive enough about what they did and didn’t say.

Of course, it is also natural after a big sudden change, that you would want to start exploring friendships with other people sharing and relating to your experiences. And eventually, start exploring new romantic relationships too. But even that was challenging, because she felt she had to disclose to new romantic partners that she was once a he, and that alone discounted her from many of the people she was interested in. Not telling them was worse.

So what is the answer when you go through a big sudden life change? Is there a way to hold on to your friendships and have them grow and change with you? I think the answer depends on the friend, and your ability to be patient with them. When you learned of this change in your life, whether like my trans friend, you had years to process this information yourself, or an unexpected diagnosis or divorce, you need to allow everyone the time and space and patience to come to terms with the change in their own time and their own ways.

Not everybody can grow and change with you, but if you find yourself feeling impatient, insistent and unforgiving, that could be a factor in driving your friends away. You need to let people deal with the changes however it comes naturally to them as a person, and not force it. It might be easy to tell yourself that you would love and support your friend even if they decided to become a frog, for example, but you have to think about how you would relate to them as a frog, how you would communicate with them and in what meaningful ways could you still connect with a frog.

I am in no way comparing trans people with frogs, to be clear, I am being deliberately ridiculous because we tell ourselves ridiculous narratives sometimes, that isn’t always practically accurate.

At the end of the day, if your friends can’t change and grow with you, if they can’t accept you for who you have become, you don’t need to change yourself back, you need to change friends. And as hard as that can be, finding those niche people will be worth it. In the meantime don’t forget your own worth, settle for less or pretend to be anything that you aren’t. If your friends don’t actually know the real you, then how can they actually love or even like you?

Stay you, stay true, and stay positive and stay patient. And if it is your friend who is going through a big life change, that advice still applies, as well as stay present!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Friends and Finances; Frugal Friendships Can Still Be Rich Folks!

Last week we spoke about my experiences with employing a friend, and how although I do not regret the decision, it has it’s complications. This week I want to talk about the financial crisis many of us around the world are facing in 2023 and how this may mean some of us are feeling like we can no longer afford our friends!

Friendship is free, as they say, but sometimes that doesn’t really seem to be the case at all does it? Because friends tend to be the people we go out with socially! Girls nights out for movies and mixers? Yes please. Coffee and cake catch up’s? Of course! Boozy beer garden Sunday afternoon’s? Why not? Getting your nails or your hair done together is just more fun, right?

We can sit home on the couch in front of the television any night of the week, so typically we use our friends as excuses to get out and do something fun. But something fun is hardly ever something free is it? Nope. Even when you choose something cheapish like the local café coffee and cake special for $10, you soon find yourself ordering lunch after the catch up lingers past morning and into midday. Or you say you’ll go for a stroll, window shopping at the local markets, but before you know it you’ve bought several things you didn’t need. Or you get bargain cheap movie tickets, but then can’t resist the overpriced popcorn and confectionary and a large drink, telling yourself it’s basically free as you got the cheap tickets.

These things happen relatively easily even if you are both on the same financial page and prefer to stay frugal. But what is happening right now, is that some people have been more badly impacted than others by the financial strain, raising interest rates, fuel and grocery expenses. So some people are finding that they really can’t afford that extra $50 a week play money, while their friends may be in better positions financially and are still inviting them to the weekly Sunday brunch.

It can be awkward to say you can’t afford to go, so it is tempting to overspend and try to figure out how to pay the rising credit card debt later, particularly if your friends don’t seem to be talking about the struggle as though it isn’t happening at all. Inadvertently this lack of communication can imply pressure to keep up with the Joneses!

This can cause self esteem issues, as the person who has less disposable income questions their life choices and wonders if they are doing something wrong to be impacted when their friends aren’t. It’s easy enough to come up with an excuse or 2 to miss a brunch here or there, but as the financial situation has been increasingly worse for many of us for nearly a year now, at some point this could cause friction in your friendship group.

Your friends may start to wonder if they have upset you when you never see them anymore, completely unaware that you’re really struggling and perhaps suffering some level of shame as a result.

I would suggest that instead of finding excuses not to go to Sunday brunch, perhaps make suggestions to change things up a bit, and invite the gang over for a bring a plate lunch at your place instead, or other work arounds that mean you can still participate, without mentioning money.

However, at the end of the day, I would hope that you could discuss money with your friends! I know it is a personal topic and closely linked to our values, as what we value is where we spend. But true friends discuss personal things all the time! That is one of the best bits of friendship! Giggling over embarrassing stories, or sharing joy, excitement, pain or grief. Money should be no different.

At the end of the day, as adults we know we are all in unique financial situations. One friend might be the CEO of some multi million dollar company, while another is a freelance artist. One might be married but dependent on his or her spouse financially and one may be on government benefits to get by. We don’t make friends based on how much money they have, and nor should we have to go looking for friends in similar wage brackets to keep things comfortable. Money changes, but people don’t change that much.

If you are struggling with money, I feel you should sit your friends down and say that things are tight for you right now, but you don’t want to miss out on valuable time together, so could you change the plans to keep within budget. The conversation is the same if it is over coffee or cocktails, or caviar or a casual backyard bbq.

Your friends may misinterpret this as a request for charity, or they may well meaningly offer to cover you until you find your financial feet again, but I advise you against taking on this offer and instead reiterate that it is the affection that matters, not the activity, and you’d hope they still want to see you without all the fanfare.

At the end of the day, we do use our friends as an excuse to go out and have fun, but we shouldn’t make excuses not to see friends just because it might not be out and about. Friendship is fun, time together is what you make it and that is what matters. Any friends who exit stage left at the first sign of frugal, weren’t well aligned with you anyway.

It comes back to what I said about values – if they really only valued the activities and you happened to be the person they went with, then you valued friendship and they valued fun. It doesn’t make you right and them wrong, it just means it was a mismatch. I have a friend who took on a mortgage to help her brother. I don’t think I would do this and yet she jumped straight into it without hesitation, no matter the cost to her, as she values family so much. Obviously this has no baring on our friendship, she can do what she likes and if she needs to be frugal as a result I respect that, although I can’t say I understand it. But what I do understand is that if we have plans and her family calls, she will accommodate them first and foremost.

Misalignments don’t always mean you can’t be close friends, but they do mean you need to be aware of your friends values to know what to expect, and if you aren’t sure what they value, watch where they spend their money! Not everyone values friendships the same amount, and even that is ok, but they need to value you enough to handle difficult personal conversations and accommodate your needs.

Frugal friendships can still be rich folks!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx