Money and Mates Don’t Mix!

Hey there readers, I know I have posted about money and mates mixing like oil and water before, but in those posts I tended to focus more on loaning money to friends. In this post I would like to discuss paying friends for services, or working for friends, for money. Stupidly, it never occurred to me that this was still mixing business with pleasure, or, as some may describe it, sh#tting where you eat!

What happens for example if you buy an old gaming console from a friend, and then find a month later it stops working? It seemed like a good deal, but now you might feel scammed? Or what about when you hire a friend to do some garden work, and aren’t happy with the work? Alternatively, a friend may have hired you and now you feel uncomfortable with the power imbalance?

Money can just make things complicated. I once bought tickets for a comedy show, and then my husband also bought tickets for us for the same show. They weren’t refundable at the time of purchase, so I handed one set of them on to a friend to use. The show was cancelled due to covid, and the tickets were refunded. Should I have given my friend the money? Should I have bought her new tickets when the show was eventually rescheduled? I didn’t, and I think she was ok with it, but I still didn’t like the way that felt icky.

Over the years I have paid a friend of mine to tutor my children. This person is a smart, qualified professional, experienced in tutoring and teaching children, knows my children well and has much much more patience for working with them than I do. But that hasn’t always made this shift in our friendship easy.

There have been awkward conversations when the children still don’t seem to picking something up, and stressful moments when even she is losing patience with them and I intervene. There have been times when I have felt like my friend sees this employment as “time together” and I have had to point out that in no way do I pay her to be my friend, and I still want, need and expect time spent when she is not there under contract. There have been times when we have had harsh words privately about personal matters, and then she is obligated to be there at my house working with my kids and putting our differences aside for a few hours.

It’s not all bad. For example, that last part, sometimes forces us to get over petty disagreements and just remember to get along. And there is implied flexibility, if my kids have an appointment on the usual tutoring day, I feel comfortable asking her to come at a different time or date, and it is her that generally sets the schedule to come on the days and times most suitable for her. But this is a double edged sword. Here’s why.

My kids had end of term assessments coming up. Parents of high school children will be aware of how all the subjects do tests, assignments and exams at the end of the ten week block of education, meaning the kids are inundated with 4-7 classes in which to be assessed all at once. The only saving grace, is that typically you might have one a day for that last week or 2 of school before the holidays. The last 2 weeks of term were no different than usual for us, but my friend was jet setting overseas on the final week, so we kind of had to cram that preparation in a little bit early. No biggie.

Except, and I do understand, travelling is stressful, and preparing for that is also busy, time consuming work. My friend had many loose ends to tie up before she went away, pets to organise and work of her own day job to complete. So she had worked with my kids on some of the subjects in week 8 of term, and said we would do the remaining subjects the following week. Which was no problem, as she typically works with the kids early in the week, they would still be prepared for any upcoming assessments, so I wasn’t worried. In week 9 we got the expected timetable of assessments which I shared with my friend, to make sure she was aware of what needed to be covered. So I was a bit annoyed when she later asked if she could come later in the week, past the assessment dates. I told her that unfortunately, as per the schedule I sent, she would need to work with them before that at the scheduled time.

This encounter was horrible for us both. I don’t think of myself as her boss, or employer, and I don’t like enforcing boundaries on the basis of payment, so it wasn’t comfortable for me to assert that I pay her to work with them and I expected her to be there. (My language to her was much softer than this, I assure you.) And you could feel the tension in the air after she left that afternoon too, as she did not appreciate the power shift in our dynamic and feeling like I was basically in control of her actions.

There was no big important reason she couldn’t come on the scheduled day, it was just going to be more convenient for her to do it on a different day when she was going to be travelling our way anyway. So it shouldn’t have upset her too much that I needed her on this occasion to come on the scheduled day, but I could feel that it did upset her. She could probably also feel that I was annoyed by the request, when I had sent her the schedule and she could see that it was going to be important to study before the exams, not after.

Of course, she had bigger things on her mind, but my children are the biggest thing on mine and that is why I invest in her services to begin with!

I don’t regret hiring my friend, she is worth her weight in gold and has helped my struggling child improve his results and open up opportunities he might not have had otherwise. But it does raise issues of power struggles, and sometimes feeling used, abused, and uncared for, misunderstood or unreciprocated.

I used to pay my mate less than other people, for example, a mates rates situation. But, eventually, she had taken on more financial debt, and she had to awkwardly sit me down and ask me to pay full price. I know that was not easy on her, and I had never meant to make her feel disrespected or taken advantage of by paying her less. So I agreed to pay her what she charges, as she is worth it, and I appreciate the work she does for us. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel annoyed and had to go home and figure out how I would pay the difference.

Similarly, while she is away, I board her cat. I do not charge her a fee for this. He is a sweet animal and no real trouble, and my own cat seems to enjoy the company and someone to wrestle with. She provides some food, but generally her cat prefers to eat whatever my own cat is eating, and I use my own litter for his tray. To be clear, my friend did ask me if I would like to be paid for this, and I told her I would not accept any money. It doesn’t feel right to me to be paid for a gesture of friendship and goodwill. However, there have been plenty of times when I have helped her professionally and we have both jokingly referred to me as her assistant…. And she has never once offered, nor have I asked, to be paid for those services. That isn’t a problem, but it is an area that could cause resentments easily.

So unless you are really comfortable with your friend, really comfortable having difficult conversations, trust that butting heads with them from time to time wont cause major conflict and impact your personal relationship, I would tend to advise not to employ your friends, nor to work for them! Really think about it! If you still rush into it like I did…. To quote Taylor Swift…. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Emotional Reactivity

On Mother’s Day this year, we also celebrated my brother’s birthday. It wasn’t his birthday that day, to be clear, it was 2 weeks after mothers day or so, but my mum asked my brother if he would prefer to combine the celebrations. He conceded that this seemed like a good plan, rather than do another family gathering just weeks later, and said if I wasn’t organized for a gift, not to worry too much as he wasn’t bothered. This annoyed me somewhat as I had already messaged him a month or so at least before that to tell him that his awesome birthday gift had just arrived and I couldn’t wait to give it to him! Haha (He is a massive Star Trek fan and I had bought him the uniform hoodie, and he did love it, and put it on immediately!)

Anyway, this wasn’t exactly new, as we have from time to time celebrated my brother’s birthday on Mother’s day. I think the last time we did so because it was more convenient for my mother. This is important, because it seems that it is ok for her to make that decision herself, however when my brother made it, she felt hurt.

Naturally, as my children are still not adults and live under my roof, I do see them on their birthdays and I do quietly agree with my mother that it is somewhat my celebration as much as theirs, as I was the vessel through which they made their way into  this world! So I cannot say I would not also be hurt in the future when my children inevitably prefer to see friends and lovers on their birthdays instead of their birthgiver! I have no doubt I will also feel a bit sorry for myself and I hope my mother is understanding and forgiving when I complain to her instead of remining me of all the times I did the same and reminding me of this article. But it proves my point is all mum! Love you!

So what point is it that I am trying to prove? After my brothers actual birthday, he called our father to check in after dad had some minor surgery. During the conversation my brother disclosed that him and his wife and children had gone out to an expensive restaurant to celebrate his birthday. My mother said it was a good thing he told my father and not her directly or she may not have been able to hold her tongue about feeling unchosen and edged out of his life.

I completely understand my mums thoughts and feelings on that and her feelings are valid. The danger lies in telling yourself that because how you feel is valid, that your thoughts are true. My brother thought we had already celebrated his birthday, which we had, and so he felt free to do a thing with his immediate family on the day. I am not sure what mum expected him to do exactly? Just tell his wife and children not to mention or celebrate his birthday at all? Of course they wanted to celebrate him, and I am thrilled that they did!

When you look at it from a further distance, had we all been celebrating he would have felt obliged to suggest a less expensive restaurant, incase we couldn’t or didn’t want to spend that much celebrating his birthday. He would have had to make it at a time convenient for 10 to 12 people instead of just 4. He would maybe have had to invite people he didn’t particularly want there, like inlaws for example, and then they couldn’t just leave when they were ready. It becomes a big thing when you include other people! It definitely isn’t because he would rather not see his mother on his birthday. Which is definitely the story my mother is telling herself and it is making her feel sad.

Of course it is making you feel sad, but when you stop and realise it isn’t about you, and it isn’t the narrative you are assuming, it is much easier to swallow. Plus, I have to ask myself why she made the suggestion in the first place if she wasn’t really ok with him not celebrating his birthday with all of us? Was this a test he failed to reassure her that he prefers and chooses her? That’s not a kind gesture, and sets him up to fail. It also sets her up to confirm her worst fears too.

The final truth of the matter is that my brothers family like that restaurant and they wanted to go there, and his birthday was just an excuse to do that. It’s not pretty, but it’s true. And when you take all the emotion out of it, that is what you are left with.

So at least mum and I can agree that it was better that my brother spoke to my father that day, because she is emotionally reactive. So am I, I guess I get it from her! But  I am learning to be better, and I hope she is too. Because it is ok for her to feel hurt and pushed out of his life, and it is ok if that feels true to her. But there is no point trying to push that narrative onto my brother, who, to be fair, would only deny it even if it were true. But if that is what my mum truly felt, pushed out of his life, why not milk every excuse to be in it and not offer in the first place to step aside? Why not be honest and say “yes I do want to see you on your birthday, you are my son, I gave birth to you, this is our celebration together.” Instead of pretending to be nonchalant about it then getting hurt.

My brother was 48 this year. He doesn’t care who he saw or didn’t see, it’s just another day for him, but I know he would never intend to hurt my mother either. I know mum wont say any of this to him, in time her feelings will pass, but I hope she stops continuing to look for evidence that he doesn’t care and starts looking for evidence that he does. Because she will find that too, plenty of it. These feelings will pass, and the reactions we didn’t have we can’t regret, but if she doesn’t change the story she is telling herself in her head, the feelings will keep coming back and the reactivity will be harder to resist. It might be more honest, helpful and vulnerable to ask “why did you choose not to see us for your birthday?” And let him explain the logistical reasons I listed above, than to immediately say “You don’t care about me, you just want me gone from your life. You can’t even see me on your birthday and I gave birth to you” for example. (Mum did not say any of that.)

Emotional reactivity is detrimental to our relationships, family, romantic, colleague or friend. We must let ourselves feel and then let ourselves think clearly before we burn bridges. So just try and look at the bigger picture before you react. Communication is entirely different from emotional reactivity, ask the questions and be willing to hear and accept the answers. Don’t ask until you’re calm enough to hear and accept that it wasn’t about you and it isn’t what you assumed. Which means being vulnerable, taking time to respond and not react and questioning your feelings and the stories in your mind. Those are your insecurities and fears, don’t let them drive you  if you want your relationships to survive.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Object Constancy, Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind.

A few weeks ago, Facebook had some sort of glitch that sent unprompted friend requests to people without your permission if you so much as clicked on their profile picture. For those of you who struggle with stalking exes and people from your past, crushes, and haters, this was bad news. Now that person you were stalking would be informed that you were creeping! Cringe. I wasn’t too worried though, as that isn’t really something I tend to do. So if that was you, and you got sprung, the good news is that you probably have a good healthy sense of whole object relations and object constancy! Go  you!

So, what are whole object relations and object constancy? According to this article on Psychology Today, “whole object relations means an ability to form an integrated realistic and relatively stable image of oneself and other people that simultaneously includes both liked and disliked aspects, and also strengths and flaws.”

While this article from Psych Central describes Object Constancy as “the ability to retain a bond with the other person – even if you find yourself upset, angry or disappointed by their actions.”

Both skills develop in childhood after we learn object permanence, which is described on WEBMD as “understanding that people and items still exist even when you can’t see or hear them.” So babies like playing peek a boo because they genuinely think your face disappears when they can no longer see it, and it is both magical and a relief when it reappears.

I know all of you have object permanence in that sense. You know if your best friend doesn’t come to your house every morning that they still exist and that they have probably gone to work or school or are in bed sleeping. However, if you lack object constancy, long breaks from communication can lead you to feel uncared for if you don’t hear from them, and this can taint your ability to feel connected to them and like they are still your friend.

People who struggle with these issues typically have a more black and white thinking structure, (who me? Never?) and when people hurt us, it can be hard for us to stay connected to them. That might be because they betrayed us in some way and broke our hearts and trust, or just that they moved jobs and lost touch. Either one may lead to the black and white conclusion that the person doesn’t care for you and is a bad person/friend. Once that split in thinking has occurred, somehow it is easy for us to just go about pretending that person never existed and we don’t feel the need to check up on them as we don’t generally think about them at all. Perhaps as a defense mechanism because thinking of them elicits pain or also, because we lack stable self image too, seeing or thinking of them can illicit feelings of failure and shame... All things we would rather avoid thank you very much.

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/257127459958785919/

So if you were caught out stalking someone from your past in the Facebook glitch, chances are, despite the circumstances, pain, distance or feelings between you and them, you probably remember some of their good traits too, the good times and feel stable enough in yourself to feel fine if they have moved on without you for example, looking at them isn’t triggering for you. This is a positive thing!

What made this come up for me recently was my post on feeling unchosen. Because I was able to reflect that the first time that happened to me, I lost object constancy and whole object relations, and forgot all the positives about the friend I cut out of my life. Suddenly all I could grasp were the negative things about her, about our friendship, about her life and her choices… and equally all I could remember were my own virtuous moments. While I don’t regret that friendship ending, I am surprised by the evidence of this split in thinking and the ways in which I saw my friend instantly and irrevocably changed. I can think of at least one other instance in which this split in thinking has occurred, but in that instance I can’t really think of too many ways in which I failed that friend, whereas with the former I failed her many times in many ways too. And she never split on me really and judged me based on my failings as I had done that final time before I discarded her. Was my split in thinking because feeling unchosen was making me have to face some ugly truths that perhaps there were genuine reasons why I wasn’t the best and obvious choice?  Was I reacting emotionally and discarding her before she got a chance to slowly and painfully discard me by replacing me with my ex and his new wife? Looking back, maybe. And maybe that is why I had to hold on to the negatives and convince myself that this was not a good fit and never had been.

I want to be clear that the negatives I remember were real, and I honestly believe we weren’t good for each other. But there were good times, positive memories and I did choose her for many years so there was reason for that. And, as I said, there were plenty of ways in which I was negative for her too, probably didn’t always choose her, although I was adamant I had at the time and this was an unacceptable betrayal of loyalty. Who ends a 30 year friendship over a few get togethers without an invite? People who lack whole object relations and object constancy, that’s who. (And yes, people who were maybe looking for an exit to begin with?)

But the good news is, once you are aware of this tendency, you can learn to change it. So this time when my name didn’t make that invite list, I was able to remind myself of all the positive qualities about my friend, about our time together, and about how much I do still want and value her in my life, even if I did find her choice on this occasion somewhat hurtful to my pride. I was able to see the bigger picture, and remove myself from emotional reactivity. I was able to maintain a positive stable image of my friend despite her perceived error in judgement against me, and maintain a positive stable image of myself and knowing it wasn’t actually about me at all, and that she still loves and values me.

https://triggeryourtrip.com/emotional-path/emotional-permanence/

It’s a struggle and a journey for us all. But if you are still learning like me, at least you weren’t caught out stalking any exes. Because the way we are, when people are out of sight, that often means they are out of mind too, and we assume that is mutual! I suppose maybe there is a silver lining  to every cloud.

This one goes out to my stalker! Haha I know your secret, and it’s very flattering that you still think of me!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Choose Wisely, When You Feel Unchosen.

Feeling Unchosen Sucks!

I have detailed in the past about a situation that arose whereby someone I considered a best friend had a dinner party, before which she sat me down and explained that she felt terrible, but that I wouldn’t be invited as my ex fiancé and his new wife were attending and it was going to be in everyone’s best interests that I not be there. Blindsided by that proverbial slap in the face, I politely agreed that I would prefer not to attend with them, and absolved her of her guilt. I cried all the way home when I left her house though, struggling to understand what had just happened.

I believed my friend when she said she felt terrible, and I knew that was why she had sat me down and tried to talk it through. Otherwise there was a good chance I never would have even known about said dinner party anyway, but rather than risk having me find out some other way, she felt the best and right thing to do was to be honest about it and explain it away. I reasoned that she wasn’t wrong, I would prefer not to socialize with my ex fiancé and his new wife. (For fairness I should probably clarify that I was the one who ended the engagement, in favour of exploring my sexuality, and that he was a respectable, nice, down to earth guy. After me, he happened to date and marry someone else within my wider friendship circle. This person and I were not directly friends, but we had mutual friends, and there had always been a sense of unease between us, as I had always felt she wanted what I had, first my best friends, then my ex.)

Anyway, no matter how hard I tried to understand and justify that my friend had every right to invite or not invite whomever she pleased to her dinner parties, and that I had always known she socialized with a group including my ex and his new wife, I couldn’t make it stop hurting. The crux of the matter was that I felt she was choosing him over me. (I blasted Tiffany’s “should’ve been me” on repeat in the car, although the concept of the song was a romantic pairing, the chorus sentiment was the same!) I never asked her to choose, of course, that would be wrong. As I said, I knew she travelled in circles with the ex, and attended parties with  that group to which I was not a member. It just never occurred to me that she would be expected in turn to host, and that I would be excluded. I sat her down and explained to her in what I remember as one of the most emotional conversations of my life how hurt and betrayed and confused I had felt, and she said she understood, never wanted me to feel  that way and would not put me in that position again.

I thought that meant she would invite me in future, but what she really meant was that she just wouldn’t inform me of my exclusion in future. When I found out, my heart broke and I did not handle the situation with maturity or grace or forethought. I wrote a scathing email detailing how I had been wronged, I had never wronged her (in that manner, in other ways, I had indeed wronged her in harmful ways) and I ended a 30 year friendship. I don’t regret losing that friendship, it was toxic to us both and it is for the best that we no longer associate. However, I deeply regret the ways I handled the whole thing, it was reactive and unnecessary and over 10 years later, I see that I made it about me when it wasn’t, and although I had always said I didn’t make her choose between him and I, in effect, I was asking her to choose and the minute the choice wasn’t me, I made that choice final.

I learned a lot from that situation, I felt, and although it was painful, it was necessary for personal growth and reflection, and how to be better in the future. Not that I ever expected to be in that position again…. Until I was. The situation this time was a little different, because instead of an ex fiancé, the person was an ex friend.

However, once again there was a gathering to which I was not invited in favour of someone else, and I felt the sting of being unchosen. And I felt it just as fiercely as I had the first time! Again I felt blindsided and again I felt hurt, angry and unchosen.

This time, however, I had the chance to reflect back, and know that it isn’t about me. That if I am committed to not making people choose between myself and someone who prefers not to associate with me, I have to accept that there is not just one choice. That life is full of choices, and that sometimes it wont be me, and that has to be ok. To acknowledge all the times that I am chosen, which is frequently, and all the ways that I know my friend shows me love and care. That it isn’t that they prefer the other person, but it also isn’t their fault that me and someone else don’t get along for whatever reason. I was the one who fell out with them, and the consequences of that are mine, and that of the other party. Sometimes there is a seat at the table for me, and sometimes I have to graciously stay home so the other person can take that seat.

I don’t believe any of the people I have fallen on bad terms with are bad people, or deserve to be unchosen any more than I believe I am a bad person who deserves to be unchosen. So this time, I am pleased to say that I did handle myself with grace and maturity. I recognize that it is ok, normal even, to feel the sting of exclusion, but that I don’t have to act on that feeling. It feels better to act in compassionate ways towards my ex friend who is going through a period of change in her life and could probably use the support and good times more than me right now. To choose to believe my friend who is hosting, will always make room for me at her table when it matters, and when I need it most, and to just remember, this is not about me.

That’s not to say I didn’t express my hurt feelings, I did, and I gave my friend the room to validate that she understood the root cause of my distress, but then I acknowledged that it was only my ego that hurt, not my heart, and my ego will recover.

Next time you feel upset or angry or hurt, I encourage you to take the time to explore that feeling. Take a moment to really indulge in the feelings as they aren’t wrong, so just let them sit, before you respond to them or act on them. Hopefully some time will let some perspective permeate. For me, it meant separating “I feel hurt from being excluded” from “my friend hurt me by excluding me.” Feeling hurt does not mean somebody hurt me. Feeling unchosen once does not mean someone doesn’t choose me.

It might sound like mental gymnastics, but the narratives we tell ourselves matter, and our feelings change based on them. So I choose to remind myself that my friend loves me, she also loves my ex friend, and that is a beautiful powerful thing we are both lucky to embrace because she has enough love for us both even when we no longer have enough for each other. Now it is my turn to gracefully return to her the love, forgiveness and understanding she has bestowed upon me for years and I know this time instead of tearing us apart, it can grow us closer together. And the choice was always mine to make. Choose wisely when feeling unchosen!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Red Flag or Red Rag?

In the last few weeks I have talked about my abandonment issues and my need to be liked. This week I am wanting to explore how my focus on hiding myself to be liked, has led me to find myself in friendships with people who are in some way avoidant. My inability to end friendships with people I didn’t like, and my inability to actually discern who liked me and who didn’t. Not only that, but my inability to discern who was interested in being friends with me and who wanted more. Mostly my inability to actually know who I liked and what I wanted and act on that.

I knew I had sexual feelings towards the first girl I kissed, but it was her who made the first move, got us into an intimate position and had the bravery to be honest and say “It feels really nice cuddling up with you.” Looking back, maybe she just wanted to know, was I gay? I’m sure she felt my eyes dancing all over her body. But I never would have done more than look without her invitation.

I knew I didn’t appreciate one friend’s sense of humour or entitlement, but I was unable to admit to myself that I didn’t like her.

I knew I wasn’t interested in my first fiancé. There was a misunderstanding as we sat on the bench side by side. I placed my hand down to shuffle myself over and away from him, but his hand was there, and he thought I was trying to hold it, and he grabbed on. I knew I didn’t want to be holding his hand, but I couldn’t find the words to extricate myself from the situation. I knew I didn’t want to marry him, but I didn’t know how to say so. (Obviously I eventually found the words, but if I had found them that first night, I could have saved us both a lot of rubbish.)

Those were not bad people, not unavailable, I was just unable to reveal what I really wanted or felt and or didn’t want or didn’t feel. If they liked me, how much I liked them, how I wanted or didn’t want them to act towards me wasn’t important. What they wanted was important. Being liked. Being accepted. At all costs.

But in time, I would find people who didn’t seem to like me. I don’t know if they didn’t, for sure, but they seemed aloof, disinterested. They withheld attention. I don’t know if they saw through me, but something about their disinterest and dislike captivated me. I needed to prove to them that I was good enough, if they needed me to earn their trust and attention, it was an irresistible challenge. The less they liked me, the more I seemed to like them. Perhaps I believed they saw me as I saw myself and I feared that if I couldn’t win their approval my worst fears about myself being unworthy and unlikeable would be true.

I also felt these individuals were in some way better than me, cooler, badder, more secure in who they were and didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thought about them. These people seemed to possess something that was out of my reach, and so I thought they too, were out of my reach. In each stage in my life, perhaps they represented whatever it was I aspired to at that time.

My first proper girlfriend, I chased her, flirted with her, tried to get her attention for a good few years before she succumbed to my charm. In my eyes she was popular, something about her has always been charismatic and charming and easy. But there was a sadness in her eyes too. Everybody saw what she wanted them to see, but I wanted to solve the mystery. I wanted to see beyond the laughter, I wanted her to show me herself. And I suppose it is fair to say, after a while, the attention probably intoxicated her, and she succumbed to my charms and finally let me in. She is beautiful inside and out. But when she first kissed me, I felt something hard to explain. Whole. Enough. Accepted. Peaceful. I could stop trying, finally. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, but that is a whole other lesson.

My son’s father was the next to withhold noticing me. To be fair, I think he was probably too spaced out on weed to notice much at all. Seemingly out of nowhere oneday he noticed me, and I felt alive. The next day, it was like I didn’t exist. To quote Taylor Swift “You look like my next mistake.” Except he wasn’t, not really, because my son is no mistake, however unplanned he was. But this hot and cold behaviour was something I could not ignore. I could not tolerate it. He said he loved me, but he treated me like he didn’t even like me. Yep. Bingo. I needed to win him over, I need him to accept me. He wasn’t capable. I thought he knew I wasn’t good enough for him, but maybe he knew I was too good for him. And I don’t mean that the way it sounds. But I was a good girl, seeking approval and he was the opposite, rebelling against it. He wanted me, but only on his terms. My only need was for him to like me. But soon enough my son came along and absolved me of that need. I was everything my son’s father needed, but not a thing he wanted. And I never could have been, so I am forever blessed that my son came along and made me think of his needs because I wasn’t really acting on my own wants or needs.

My point is, that those of us who have a need to be liked at all costs, deny our needs to the point that we forget we have any and end up getting tangled up in friendships and relationships that are hurtful and damaging not only to ourselves, but to the people around us.  I realise they were romantic examples, but there are also plenty of friendship examples where I have a need to appease the other person at the expense of myself too. And even workplace examples because this unhealthy need to be like takes over every aspect of your world.

So the first steps are realising when you feel uncomfortable in small ways and acting or speaking immediately. Setting boundaries and sticking to them. Speaking assertively but calmly and not emotionally charged. And realising it is ok if you don’t like someone and if someone doesn’t like you, it is not a challenge or a problem to be solved. It is just a fact. Repeat after me, and repeat it until you believe it. “I like me, just the way I am.” When you really feel it, when people treat you poorly, you will see it as a red flag not a red rag to a bull.

If you find yourself repeatedly giving more than you are getting and you don’t know why, that’s the first red flag. They aren’t better than you. It doesn’t matter if they like you or not. If you like you, stop accepting less than you deserve and trying to prove you deserve happiness. You do. Go find it. Somewhere else.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When the friendship formula fails.

Last week I spoke about my need to be liked exceeding my need to be loved, and the things in my life that had led me down that pathway. Even though it would seem my mother was at the root of much of this, she was always the first to point out that she didn’t like my friends and didn’t think they treated me well or reciprocated my efforts. Isn’t that interesting? We can see when other people do it, but not when we do it ourselves. And those are always the qualities we dislike in others the most.

What else is interesting is that in part, I learned the skills of being a super good friend from my mother, by observing her with her friends. As an adult, I see that friendship wasn’t the only area in my mothers life where she made herself a martyr. Sacrificial should have been her middle name. She would never take the last biscuit, always served herself last and ate whatever was left of the meal she slaved over, and also said yes when it was less convenient. She always paid attention to her friends. She knew what your favourite drink was and she would have it there. She knew your dietary requirements and she would make you a special meal. She knew your uncle’s cousin’s dog’s name and asked about it if it was important to you. She knew what your plans were this week and she would always remember to follow up on it the next time she saw you. If you had a medical condition, she had researched it and wanted to help you. She is a very attentive and caring person.

She tends not to like my friends, because they aren’t like her. They don’t remember the details, and don’t notice if I haven’t shared the details. What I find fascinating is that she doesn’t notice that her own friends are no better. And just like me, the less they offer in return, the more she invests. It could be the time in her life of course. Now my parents are retired, they are very busy social butterflies, but it is wonderful to see this and how happy it makes them. It also gives me hope.

Because in this stage of my life, no amount of effort makes any difference. From 25-65 perhaps, people are simply too busy to invest in friendships. The formula that used to work – being the perfect friend for each person used to guarantee me time with that person, no longer works. When they have a spare minute, I am often still the one person they want around. But they just don’t get many spare moments. And when you have made yourself a professional friend, but nobody is interested in friendship no matter how great it is, you feel a little like Kodak photo printing centres. Superfluous to requirements.

My husband has never understood. He knows that I am social and respects that I need my friends, although he often jokes that they are more important to me than him. I know many people, my friends included wonder if it is because I love women more than men. (I do, but I do not love my friends more than my husband!) It is simply because I am secure in my relationship with him, and I don’t feel like I NEED him, despite my 100% financial dependence. I feel loved. What I need is to feel liked.

It’s not lost on me that my friends cannot meet this need, when the need stems from the fact that I don’t believe I am likeable, because I haven’t given very many people the chance to like me authentically. The ones that do, I value more than the world, but they probably are the friends that have the least time to offer.

Anyway, my point is, that in this stage of my life, my challenge for myself is to be more authentic and surround myself with people who respect and support that. I also have to accept that not everyone will like me, and that will be ok, if I like me. That starts by respecting myself and saying no when I want to, expressing my wants and needs and not overcompensating for being less than them because I am not straight and feeling like it is a blessing anyone would hang out with me at all.

But it also means taking some time to really be more of a friend to myself. To find ways to get validation outside of friends and to find something else I am good at when the demand for good friends is so low in my current demographic. Because actually much of the time I am such a good friend that I make my friends feel like bad friends. Much like my mother, they want to meet my needs and reciprocate, they do love me, but they just don’t have the time for me.

It’s not going to be easy when I have prided myself on this and it is the only thing I really know I excel at. It’s not going to be easy for my friends as I pull back somewhat to focus on myself. As I start asserting better boundaries and doing what I want to do instead of what they want me to do or what I have always done. It will feel to them that I am changing when really, for the first time I am being honest. In the past I was somewhat trying to control or manipulate them into being my friend, making myself valuable for them, and never asking them to be valuable to me in return.

Now I have to trust them, trust myself, and see what wonderful beautiful things unfold. See if I can find true happiness and exist because I stopped putting myself in the supporting role and stepped into the light, into my power, into myself. I don’t know much about myself, to be honest. Maybe that is in part why I haven’t been able to show my friends who I am. I have been so busy being who I am not or who I think they wanted me to be. But I look forward to finding out, even if it means I have to walk alone.

Friends are important to your happiness, and my friends do and will continue to contribute to my happiness, but if you make them responsible for your happiness, you wont be happy for long. Take it from me.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Is being a good friend the key to having good friends?

As I spoke with my mother at my son’s birthday party at an adventure park just before Easter, we touched on my abandonment issues stemming from the fact that as I child I craved companionship, company and attention… much more than my mother had to offer. It’s not that I was abandoned. I am close with my mother, she never walked away, although there were times when I am sure she thought about it! It’s just that those emotional needs to feel loved, delighted in, played with, spoken to and included went unmet.

As a solution to this problem, my mum did her best to make sure I always had a friend to meet this need. She liked to make sure I had someone to play with. It wasn’t always possible, and sometimes she thought the older kids we hung out with would include me, although they most often told me to go away too.

This feeling was pervasive my whole childhood, the only people who WANTED to spend time with me were my friends, and soon into adolescence, as a result, they were the only people I wanted to spend time with too. My friends met an emotional need for love, connectedness, emotional intimacy and feeling seen. They validated me. I felt they liked me.

During those years though, as a girl, I was not immune to the relational aggression that carries on. For me, and maybe for all teen girls, it was a fate worse than death. It consumed me when a friend had stopped speaking to me for some reason, and I lived in absolute fear of losing the only people I had who seemed to acknowledge my existence, and even welcomed it. Because I lived in fear of this, I actively tried to avoid it at all costs. This meant trying my hardest to be liked. Never being disagreeable. Telling people what they wanted to hear, and most often being who I thought they wanted me to be rather than who I am.

For example a few of my friends went above and beyond to protect my image and defend my honour against all the swirling rumours about my budding lesbianism. They were adamant that as people who spent the most time with me in the world they would surely know something so big about me. But they didn’t. They didn’t really know me at all. They all praised me on what a good friend I was and how lucky they felt to have me in their lives, but they never noticed I only played a supporting role. That I never talked about myself, but listened to them. That I never made a suggestion or request, but went along with whatever they wanted.

And on the odd occasions I did let someone down, I paid the price as they never hesitated to tell me how disappointed they were in me and how hurt they were by my actions, often times pulling their friendship away. If it was a tactic to gain my attention – it worked and I tirelessly chased them and apologised and tried to make it up to them. This was true even if the only thing I had done was invite one friend for a sleepover instead of the other. The minute I did what I wanted to do for myself, there was a price to pay.

As I mentioned earlier, I was always too much for my mother. She couldn’t handle my need for attention, and when I would get angry or upset about it, without fail, she laughed. I know this was her coping mechanism now, as an adult and an attempt to calm the situation down, however it was invalidating and taught me that my feelings were a joke and I was better not to ever expose them to anyone because everything I felt was wrong. She would respond when I said “You don’t love me, you only love my brother.” She would sit me down and tell me she loved me but explain that basically she liked my brother better. (They shared a sense of humour, he was more pliable and obedient than me, he was smarter, less needy, more mature being 6 years older, and quiet. They had more in common. He took after her whereas I took after my dad.)

On some level, as a result of this, I learned that I am too much, that I am not likeable. And I realise I have carried that with me into adulthood and into my friendships.

I wasn’t dumb as a doorknob, although many people in my life have assumed that I am, because I have a tendency to make myself smaller so other people can shine. But I was no Einstein either. I wasn’t winning awards every day, and although I was the top science student when I graduated, nobody seemed to notice or care particularly. I wasn’t a supermodel (although when I starved myself people did start noticing me for a change.) I wasn’t really the best at anything. I had no talents like playing a sport or an instrument or being artistic. I am messy and disorganised (on the surface anyway) and I frequently heard how I was boring and lazy.

I now know that I was scared, hiding, and facing worlds of rejection. Didn’t seem to be the daughter my mother had prayed for, wasn’t the academic success my father hoped for, wasn’t thin and attractive, didn’t like to read, and was fairly sure I was gay. I wasn’t what anybody wanted me to be. Except a good friend. And being that met a need. I could not live without my friends. If it was a choice between being loved and ignored or liked and included, I would choose like every time.

Now, I had a good childhood, and I can only imagine the horrors other people faced, so I am not asking you to pull out the worlds smallest violin. I am merely explaining how friendship came to be like my fulltime job, and how I have learned to be a good friend at the expense of being myself. And actually I am coming to learn that this alone, sometimes makes me a bad friend. I say yes when I mean no, and hold quiet resentment. I try harder when really what I want is for them to try harder. I give my time and energy so they don’t have to and I make it easy, beneficial, even to have me as a friend. And I do all of this out of the belief that they will leave if I don’t.

But it costs me true vulnerability. Which I am learning that I am terrified of actually, and that I hold people at a distance in order to have them hold me close. It costs me those feelings of authentic closeness that I have craved. Because it’s dishonest. I am not the worlds nicest person or the best friend anyone could have. I will be, if you want, but it isn’t who I am.

I learned early on that in order to have good friends, you need to be a good friend. Except I heard that in order to have friends at all you need to be the worlds best friend. And it just isn’t true. I didn’t care if my friends were good or not, just that they were there! Added to which the problem I soon encountered is that when you are a super good friend in high school, people want to include you. But after they have partners and jobs and life moves on, the formula isn’t quite so effective…. More on that next week!!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A Case Study; Part 5, Reflections.

Ok, the last 4 episodes of this blog, if you can call them that, was a fictional story about 2 friends, Liz and Pam, who come to blows when Liz falls in love and can no longer meet Pam’s expectations of friendship. I am willing to bet we all have that one friend who loses herself in romance and kind of drops her friends like hot potatoes. And anyone who has been on the receiving end of such a dumping knows, it hurts! You do feel used and disposable and not good enough. But just because you do feel that way, doesn’t mean the other person intended to make you feel that way, or actually made you feel that way.

Which tends to be where things can get a bit confusing, can’t it readers? I get so many questions about this topic in particular, sometimes from the forgotten friends, and sometimes from the long lost lovers. The story is pretty much always the same. The forgotten friends feel, well, forgotten, and the long lost lovers feel their friend’s expectations of them haven’t adjusted to allow for the new relationship and they want things to just  stay the same when a big change has happened.

It was the same with Liz and Pam. So they had time apart, and even more things changed. But this time, for the better. Let’s look at some of the things each woman accepted accountability for.

Liz realized their whole friendship had been somewhat centered around herself, her family, her dating, her drama’s, her other friendships, and that she was often dismissive of Pam when she tried to exist in their friendship. Liz never really asked about Pam, always expected her to be available whenever Liz wanted or needed and Liz had accused Pam of being jealous and insecure, when the truth was, she had also felt jealous of Pam, and later in the story felt insecure when Pam had made new friends in her absence. She kind of liked that Pam had no real life of her own… until it was inconvenient for Liz when she met Dan. At the end of the story, Liz wondered if Pam even still had room for their friendship in her new life, and she realized that this is exactly how Pam must have felt when she announced her engagement to Dan. She finally understood that for 2 years, Pam had stood by and watched helplessly as Liz replaced her with Dan, and made no real time or effort to still offer any attention and be there for Pam.

Similarly, Pam also made some reflections. She wasn’t in a good place at the time of the engagement, and she hadn’t actually disclosed any of that to Liz, so how was she supposed to understand how hurt and triggered Pam was. She had never told Liz that she felt replaced, and reflected that at best she was passive aggressive about things, like mentioning food poisoning when Liz gushed about naked pancakes in her kitchen that first date with Dan. She blamed Liz for abandoning her, instead of taking accountability for the fact that her life was small. She had allowed Liz to fill the gaps in her life, and came to expect her to continue to do so. She reflected she didn’t really have friends of her own, or any hobbies really. None of that was Liz’s fault, and yet, when she felt alone, she misdirected that anger at Liz. But in reality she had to change her own life to be happier and more fulfilled.

Time apart was essentially good, and maybe even essential for these friends, as it gave them the chance to miss one another and decide they really did want to reconcile and be better friends to one another. Pam had time to implement changes in her life, and move on from the rut that had become of her friendship with Liz. While Liz had time to cool off, and remember the reasons she did actually value Pam once all the pressure and tension was gone. She also needed time to reflect on the more selfish aspects of her personality and how it played out toxically in their friendship. She needed time apart to realise that she didn’t really know Pam, because she hadn’t tried to know. She expected Pam to be there for her, but she hadn’t returned the favour.

Their reconciliation doesn’t focus on apologies or hashing over the past, but instead on change, moving forward and how to be different together, to build a new friendship, instead of trying to continue on as they were. Liz realized she would now need to share Pam as she expanded her life to include new people and things, and that she would need to make more effort to spend quality time just the 2 of them together so they could actually talk and share intimately. Pam realized Liz was perfectly entitled to live her life and fall in love, and that it was unrealistic to expect things wouldn’t change. Of course Liz would prefer romantic weekend getaways to platonic ones, and would like to spend quality alone time with her partner after they both worked a long day. That she had used Liz to fill a void in her life but  it was never Liz’s responsibility to fill it in the first place. She had done so well and willingly, but without realizing the burden of expectation for this to continue.

So each woman had to take ownership of her flaws and the role she played in the demise of their friendship. Each had to forgive the other, and move on, let the grievances go, and this wasn’t possible until they each addressed themselves and got healthier. Once they had done the work on themselves, none of it mattered anymore. Anger passed, as it does, turning to sadness.

I once read a quote that spoke to me. It said “when someone says I hate you, they really mean you hurt me.” The women could have stayed friends all along if they had been willing to communicate. But each thought the other would judge her and be angry. So then they created that exact situation. Pam should have said to Liz early on “I still need some girl time with you, there are things I want to discuss without Dan, when you can fit me in please?” And Liz should have said “I feel jealous that you were promoted and I wasn’t. I’m left behind.” Each woman needed comfort and reassurance from the other but expected each other to be psychic about what they were feeling, wanting and needing.

In the end they split because each had needs that were not being met, and neither communicated those needs calmly. But in the end it doesn’t matter what they should have done, because it worked out. Space did meet their needs, I suppose, and they got to decide it was a break and not an ending. Of course, this has to be a mutual decision, and someone has to be brave enough to go first. Pam went first, but Liz wasn’t ready. However, then at least Liz knew Pam might be receptive when and if she was.

Makes you think, doesn’t it? It could have been over forever, but they were brave enough in the end that it wasn’t. Are you?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Case Study; Part 4; Reaching Out and Reconciliations, Liz and Pam

Over the past few weeks we have heard about the demise of a 10 year best friendship between Liz and Pam, when Liz fell in love, and Pam felt neglected and forgotten. Last week we explored what the women thought, felt and reflected on during some space that ensued as the result of a falling out when Liz announced her engagement. After 6 months of silence, Liz has gone to Pam’s house and rang the doorbell…. What happens next? Read on to find out…. (If you missed the first instalments, and want to read them, click here for Liz is in Love. For Part 2; Possessive Pam, click here. For Part 3; Space, click here. )

Liz feels sick, maybe she should leave the flowers and drive away before Pam can answer! Too late, she hears the footsteps. Pam is confused, as she wasn’t expecting her new gay friend Max for 2 hours. “I hope he is ok” she furrows her brow as she answers the door exclaiming “Gay men are fashionably late, not early Max!” But stands in stunned silence as she is unexpectedly face to face with a person she never expected to see again. Finally she stammers “You’re not Max…” awkwardly, and Liz see’s her in! “Who is Max, she smiles, stepping forward and thrusting  the flowers into Pam’s face!

Dumbfounded, Pam follows her to the loungeroom, where Liz comments on the changes Pam has made to the furniture arrangements. “Wow, a lot changes in 6 months, you’ve got a GAY boyfriend and look at you, in your designer active wear…” Pam puts the flowers on the dining room table and Liz rushes over to find a vase and put them in water. Pam jumps on the treadmill, she needs to expel some of the nervous energy she is feeling.

Returning to the room, Liz perks on the edge of the sofa, peering at the person she thought she knew. “Aren’t you going to say hello?” Liz insists. “I wasn’t expecting you, I am a bit surprised is all” Pam responds, with a measured calm tone that irritates Liz. “Well if I am not welcome I will leave.” Liz says, standing up to leave, but leaving the invitation in an envelope on the lounge. Pam knows what it is, and still, after all this time, she still experiences a pang of disappointment that the wedding is still happening. This upsets her and makes her guilty all at once. “Stop” she says as Liz reaches the doorway. “You are always welcome here.” Her voice is not as steady and calm now, it quivers, and a tear rolls down her cheek.

“I tried to call you and message you so many times. I even wrote you a letter. You never answered. I thought I had broken us forever.” Pam lowered her head, and kept her eyes on the pedometer of the treadmill. She was thankful for the rail to hold, or she might not be able to stand at all. “Broken us?” Liz repeated, more as a question than a statement. In unison, the women both said “I wasn’t a good friend.” “Jinx” Pam yelled, as though she was still in second grade. For the first time, in a long time, they both laughed.

“You were right” Pam started “I wasn’t being supportive, I was jealous and insecure, and because of what I was going through myself, I couldn’t be happy for you. I’m sor….” “Don’t you dare apologise!” Liz cut her off before she could get the word out. “I wasn’t happy for you either, that is why I left the paper, I couldn’t stand to see you moving on up without me. Then I was awful to you, and I ‘m the one who should be…” Pam interrupted Liz this time “There’s no need for apologies. What we need is a conversation.” She spoke more confidently now, stepping away from her machine and towards Liz. “But first a hug, and a thank you for the lovely flowers.”

The 2 friends embraced, and both started smiling and crying tears of joy and relief. It felt good not to carry the grudge any longer, and even better to be together again. Grabbing some napkins from the holder on the dining table, Pam pulled out a chair and gestured for her friend to sit down, taking the napkin and dabbing her friend’s tears. “It really is so good to see you. Thank you for coming!” Liz smiled. “Thank you for letting me in!” she responded. “Well, I didn’t really, you just kind of barged in…” Pam pointed out and they laughed. “Wine.” Pam said grabbing a bottle of red and popping the cork. “We need wine…” But Liz put her hand over the glass. “Not for me” she said. Genuinely grinning, Pam asked Liz if she was pregnant. Laughing Liz shook her head. “No, I actually don’t want kids. I don’t think I have said that out loud before….” She trailed off. Pam looked concerned. “Does Dan know?” And Liz  shrugged her shoulders in a way that told Pam that he did not know. But when she opened her mouth to speak Liz stopped her and said “enough about me Pam. It was always about me. Even I am sick of me. I want to hear about you! You look great. Tell me everything, what have I missed?”

And so they talked about Pam’s health kick, and how she had changed her life, taken up fitness, made new friends, about her new friend Max who would be here soon, and about the dates she’s been on since Ben vanished for good. And of course, how Liz had been right about him, he was married, and Pam was better off without him! She disclosed her failed IVF and Liz got up and hugged her “I had no idea. I’m so sorry Pam. You would have been a great mother.”

Soon there was a knock at the door as Max let himself in. “Is someone special here?” he called as he wandered into the dining area. He could see there was a car in the driveway, so he knew she had company. “Yes!” Pam called out “very special, come and meet her.” The girls heard him squealing “HER?! Are we both queer?” And he appeared around the corner and carelessly poured himself some wine. “Well I don’t care if you’re a man, a woman, or horse” he exclaimed “You better not hurt my best friend!” Liz winced at the term. Pam had a new best friend, would there still be room for Liz in her life? “I’m not a lesbian Max, sorry to disappoint you, but this is Liz.” Max’s eyes widened as he exclaimed “THE LIZ?” Before extending a hand to her. “Pleased to meet you. She talks about you all the time, looks like I have competition now doesn’t it?” Liz held out her glass. “I think I will take some of that wine after all.”

The 3 friends sat and chatted for another hour, before Liz took her cue to leave, as she was clearly intruding on Pam’s time with Max. “I want to see you again soon, there’s still so much to talk about and you’ll need a bridesmaids dress fitting….” Pam cried again “You still want me in the wedding party.” Liz reached out and grabbed her friends hand. “Of course I do. I can’t get married to my husband without my wife. Who would I dance with then!” Heading for the front door, Liz turned to say goodbye to Max “Nice to meet you Max, we will meet again. But first I need some solo time with our bestie!... Friday night, me and you?” she motioned to Pam. “Oh I have a date Friday, sorry. Second date actually so if it goes well, I wont be free Saturday either. I’ll be at the markets on Sunday morning, then I am meeting my old school friend on Sunday night….” She trailed off, realizing how busy she had become in Liz’s absence. “Can I come with you to the markets then, on Sunday morning?” Liz asked. “At 5am? You!” Pam teased. “You’re worth it.” Liz smiled. “4.30am I will be here.”

She kissed Pam on the cheek. “I missed you so much.” Again they spoke in unison and laughed. “Whenever you need me for that dress fitting, I will make myself available.” Pam called to Liz as she made her way down the driveway in the dark. Once in the car alone, Liz felt happy and sad all at once. Pam had changed so much, she felt replaced by Max and threatened. It dawned on her that must’ve been what Pam felt about Dan, as she couldn’t remember the last time she made time for just Pam without Dan practically from that first date. She hoped they could make it work.

Tune in next week for the conclusion to this mini series folks….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A Case Study; Part 3; Space between Liz and Pam….

In the past 2 weeks we read a story about 2 friends who parted ways after a 10 year friendship. First we looked at the story through the lens of Liz, the friend who fell in love and forgot her friend somewhat. Then we looked at the story through the lens of Pam, who let her own circumstances cloud her judgement and emotions. In the end, harsh words were spoken, and space was implemented. But can they recover? Read on to find out. (If you missed the first instalments, click here for Liz is in Love. For Part 2; Possessive Pam, click here.)

6 months had passed since the fatal blow at the brunch. Pam had heard nothing from Liz at all, despite numerous emails, texts, letters and voicemails she had sent begging Liz for forgiveness. These attempts at reconciliation only aggravated Liz further. She had requested time and space, and she wasn’t ready to forgive Pam. If Pam couldn’t be happy for her, then she didn’t want selfish friends like that anyway. She wanted to celebrate and enjoy this time in her life. She was moving on, moving up in the world, mingling at couples dinner parties with intellectual debates and charity events. Pam was a page in her past and nothing more.

Initially, Pam had needed time to recover and regain composure too. She needed to reflect on the role she had played in the demise of their friendship, and how her depression and loneliness had fed into this. She had come to realise that she had brought upon herself the very rejection she feared, and it was not an appropriate time for her to express herself. It was, she decided, selfish of her, and so she understood why Liz wanted nothing more to do with her. Of course she tried to explain all of this in her letters and voicemails, but she had no way of knowing if Liz even read them or listened to them. What she did know is that she had to let it go, because there was nothing she could do, and begging was getting her nowhere.

After a few months of trying, so about 3 months after their split, she stopped trying to contact Liz, and put her energies into her health. She started one of those meal box subscriptions and cooked fresh healthy meals instead of frozen dinners, and she walked on the treadmill as she watched tv in the evenings instead of laying in bed. She took a makeup class instead of Sunday Brunch, and actually made a new friend there. This friend encouraged her to give her wardrobe a makeover and put herself on a dating app! She was surprised as the offers started rolling in, and soon, her Friday nights were filled again, albeit with a different man each week! One of her first dates was a lovely, well dressed and well spoken gentleman who was clearly closeted, so Pam told him she hadn’t felt a spark romantically, but would love to continue a friendship with him. Soon after he did come out of the closet, and she was there to support him as they both tried dating men.

Pam still thought of Liz. She wondered about their wedding and often referenced her in conversations and sharing memories and pictures with her new friends, and when they asked more, she often still cried that she wished she hadn’t messed it up so terribly, but that she had grown and learned much from their falling out. She wished Liz happiness, even if she was no longer there to see it, and reassured herself that if Liz was going to have babies, there just wouldn’t be time anymore anyway, so it was for the best.

Liz was busy making wedding plans, so busy she hardly thought of Pam at all. She had vendors to call, music lists to plan, speeches to write, guest gift bags to prepare and honeymoon accommodation to research. But after 3 months of endless visits to different venues, cake tastings and arguments over centerpieces, she had finally chosen a venue and set a date.  It was time to send the save the date cards. Only then, did her mind wander back over Pam. She didn’t like thinking about Pam, as she felt a rush of guilt and shame, although she couldn’t quite put her finger on why. Because when she reminded herself that she wanted people to celebrate with her and be happy for her, that sounded reasonable. Yet, somewhere deep down, she knew she hadn’t been reasonable. She knew this was deeper, that she had harbored resentments that Pam was promoted over her, and that was the real reason she was quitting to work in admin at the practice, which was, if she was honest, wildly unfulfilling. So she knew it was somewhat hypocritical of her to accuse Pam of being jealous and unsupportive when she had secretly been feeling the same way. And Dan didn’t know Liz didn’t want kids, or the dog that he envisioned for them both, so she had felt triggered by Pam’s assumption too.

But, she continued to fume, Pam had taken over her life, became friends with her friends, came along to family functions and seemed to have no life of her own, and expected Liz to entertain her and validate her and the expectation was just asking more than Liz had to offer. Plus, Liz wondered, was she standing in the way of Pam finding someone else, by not making room? She supposed she was but reminded herself that Pam had Ben, and wasn’t interested in anyone else. She knew that he had ghosted Pam, but she felt certain that he would be back by now, just another step in the years long dance he did to maintain the distance between him and Pam. She assumed he was married but Pam wouldn’t hear about it so they didn’t discuss him much. Actually, if she was honest, they didn’t talk about Pam much at all. Certainly not her promotion. Not her relationship. Not her goals or dreams for the future….

Liz put aside a save the date card with Pam’s name neatly written on it, but she couldn’t bring herself to send it. When it was time to choose the wedding dress, her mother and her sister were there, but, she realized, the person she most often asked and trusted for fashion advice was not in the room; Pam. And when she and Dan couldn’t agree on their first dance song, or infact whether they would dance at all, she quipped at him that she’d just dance with Pam then that night. That was when it hit her, and she finally felt the loss. “Call her.” Dan said.

Instead, Liz decided to hand deliver the invitation to the wedding herself. Today was Tuesday, but she wouldn’t go today, in case Ben was there. Tomorrow, she’d go after work on Wednesday. What would she wear?.... Nervous all day, she left the practice early to change, and buy flowers. Arriving at Pam’s place, she rang the bell and waited….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A case study; Part 2; Possessive Pam

Last week we read Liz’s story, about how she fell in love with the man of her dreams, and it seemed Pam was unsupportive, jealous, possessive and unable to be happy for someone she had called her best friend for 10 years. (If you missed the first instalment, click here for Liz is in Love.)

Pam had always been quiet, shy and reserved, but somehow over their time working together and climbing the ranks together at the local paper, Liz had really brought her out of her shell. Previous to this she had 2 close friends. One she had known since her school days, whom she saw about once a month for a catch up and one she had met when she was studying journalism, but who had moved away, and probably only saw once or twice a year, although they did exchange long emails too from time to time.

She hadn’t even noticed her loneliness until Liz came along and brightened her world. She used to finish work, go home to her cat, heat up a microwave dinner and eat it in bed by 6.30pm. She would watch tv until 8.30pm, read until 9pm then turn in for the night and do it all again the next day. She saw her parents on Saturdays and filled her Sunday’s by selling home made jewellery at the early morning markets, then doing her grocery shopping and returning to her quiet house to make more jewellery. Once a month or so, on a Sunday evening, her old school friend would pop over to watch a movie and catch up on the gossip. Loyalty was important to her, so she never saw Liz on that monthly Sunday evening, and always made time to respond to her other friends emails and made time for her when she was in town.

Still, her world was small….. But once she met Liz, she was invited to big family barbeques, girls Sunday brunches, weekends away, and endless phone calls about the latest man drama. Liz’s drama, mostly. Pam wasn’t the type men seemed to notice, unless they wanted to ask for advice on how to charm Liz! She didn’t really mind though, as they had wildly different tastes in men anyway. Liz liked the tall, dark, handsome, confident and charming types, with muscles and beards and a chiseled jawline. Pam preferred funny men, tall and lanky, with a beachy long blonde hair, or nerdy, some would say.

Liz was always dating, but Pam wasn’t exactly single. She wasn’t exactly not single, either, though. She had been seeing Ben on and off for years, more casually than she would prefer. She was madly in love with him, but he only seemed to notice when it suited him. She was certain he would eventually see the error of his ways and realise everything he had ever dreamed of was right in front of him, and once he did, she assumed he would be so grateful for her patience during their early romance, that it would be worth the wait and the sacrifice. She didn’t talk about him too much because Liz would get angry and insist she deserved better, but Liz didn’t understand, Pam loved Ben, and she wanted it to work. Besides, there wasn’t always more fish in Pam’s section of the sea!

Ben typically made his way into Pam’s inbox, then straight into her bed on Tuesday evenings. She wasn’t sure why, but she liked the regularity of it, and the predictability. Occasionally he would throw her for a loop and ask to come on a Saturday, sometimes he would even stay the night. Oh how she loved those nights wrapped in his arms. She knew he loved her, but he wasn’t ready to commit. Usually he was out with the boys, and he enjoyed knowing in his absence, Pam was just as happy with Liz and the girls. He never asked her not to go on weekends away for example, and Pam enjoyed the ease and freedom their simple relationship offered.

With Liz in her life, she reasoned she didn’t need more. Marriage and kids weren’t essential, although she had thought she would be a mother by 30! But it wasn’t to be, although it played on her mind more and more as the years ticked by after that.

She wondered if that was her biological clock ticking louder, or if she just heard it more after Liz met Dan. Because suddenly he was the one invited on weekends away and to the family barbeques, and Pam realized her life was smaller and quieter. But at least she was still included in the Sunday Brunches with the girls, and she had been promoted at work finally, which kept her more busy too. She still worked at a desk next to Liz, but was often out of the office chasing bigger stories. She tried not to talk about that too much either, as she didn’t want Liz to feel left behind. In fact, she mostly listened when they talked, about Liz’s dating life, about Liz’s frustrations with work, about Liz’s family, and Liz’s dreams for her future! Pam was just happy that there seemed to be a place for her in the imagined picture really.

When things got serious with Dan, Pam talked to Ben about getting pregnant. He vanished. Pam tried to cry to Liz about it, but Liz was unsympathetic, saying she was better off without him. When Pam said she felt cheated as she had always wanted to be a mother, Liz said she couldn’t travel for work if she had a baby and to look at the bright side. So when Pam started trying IVF with donor sperm, she didn’t tell Liz. It might not work anyway.

It didn’t. So Pam found herself spiraling into a depression. She did take pills for it, but happiness was out of reach. She was single and alone and always would be. Not only that, but she felt Dan had replaced her in Liz’s life and she had just been a stand in, some sort of place holder for the real thing, to be tossed aside when something better came along.

So when she saw the ring on Liz’s finger, a lump formed in her throat. Not only was Liz looking at the future she had dreamed for herself, it also cemented her fears that she was alone, forgotten, unwanted and disposable. These emotions took her by surprise, as she knew the appropriate social reaction was not the one she felt bubbling inside her. She would have to tell Liz, that she missed her terribly, and worried there would be no room for her with the only person with whom she felt she easily belonged. She made a note to ask Liz to come over for dinner so they could talk, she would tell her about the IVF and how lonely and depressed she was feeling, and she would do it next week.

But Liz didn’t wait, she felt the tension from Pam and pulled her aside. It wasn’t how Pam wanted the conversation to happen, but she could not hide her emotions any longer. She had hoped Liz would soften, hug her, and reassure her that there would always be a seat at the table for Pam, no matter who else was at the table too. That’s what she needed. Instead, Liz was cold, harsh, mean and yet again, dismissive. She had called Pam jealous, but Pam wondered if it was Liz who was jealous, of her promotion, her freedom, the big exciting stories and a path of independence.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she left the brunch that day, but as she turned back to the group, nobody had noticed her departure or her tears. Liz was happily curled back into Dan’s arms giggling and gossiping. Pam felt stupid to believe she was ever really a member of a group of popular girls. She was never a member, only a desperate sad groupie. She wondered what they would say about her now she was exiled. She knew it didn’t matter, especially if Liz was leaving the office anyway.

Thinking back to her comments about being a maid of honour at Liz’s wedding, she now wondered if she’d even be invited. Probably not…..

And just like that, it was over. But did it have to be? Could they have worked this out? Could they still? Tune in next week to find out.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

A case study. Part One. Liz is in Love!

Liz and Pam have been best friends for 10 years. They met when they were 25, where they worked together as journalists for the local newspaper. They were both wet behind the ears and learning the ropes, and as such often got the less exciting, and smaller stories to cover, often leaving them sitting at their desks spitballing ideas with each other to pitch to the editor.

This constant and consistent time together made fast friends of the pair as they bonded over the unfairness of it all, being overlooked and undervalued and not feeling they were given the true opportunity to shine. Comiseration drinks after work soon turned into long dinners and intimate chats.

Very soon they knew almost everything about one another, from problematic exes, to office crushes. They met each other’s families, went on many girls weekend getaways together, and Liz, being the more social and extroverted of the pair, introduced Pam to her other friends. Pam only seemed to have a handful of friends she described as close, but as far as Liz could tell, most  of them she didn’t see much at all. Liz, on the other hand, was always the life of the party, and never sat at home alone on a Friday night, or any other night for that matter.

Pam loved being included in this wider circle, and truly loved the new friendship she had formed with Liz. She had close friends, but now she knew what it was to have the elusive “bestie,” and she couldn’t be happier about it. Liz was the missing piece to her life.

Over the years, Liz had dated many men, but her standards were high and most didn’t even win her attention long enough for a second date. She was tall and thin and blonde, so she never had to worry that there wouldn’t be another fish in the sea. Everywhere they went some random guy would ask for her phone number or insist she take his. There were a few serious romances to note, however the longest one lasted just over a year, and the rest were lucky to reach 6 months. Liz just didn’t seem to be the type to settle.

Until she met Dan. His dark hair and light eyes captivated her, and the fact that he didn’t seem to fall at her feet like the others drove her wild. Endless hours of conversations with Pam were spent agonising over what an emoji in his text meant, or how Liz could get his attention, or why he had read her message last night and still not responded the next day. Liz pursued Dan with gusto. When her persistence paid off, she was over the moon. They had a date.

At Liz’s place that afternoon there was a flurry of excitement, as she had a drink with Pam to calm her nerves and tried on nearly every outfit she owned. Maybe they would have to go shopping for something new, to impress Dan. He was a dentist, running his own practise, and was always well dressed and well spoken. He was impressively smart, and passionate about animal welfare. In his spare time he played basketball; his height making it the obvious choice of sport. “He’s the one!” Liz cooed before this first date. Pam had rolled her eyes, thinking Liz was naïve and he would last no longer than the others once she realised he was far too busy for a relationship. But she didn’t say that, she cooed excitedly instead that she couldn’t wait to be maid of honour at the wedding…..

The date went well, Liz explained to Pam on the phone the next evening. Pam had wondered why Liz hadn’t called the next morning, she was worried Liz had been hacked up into little pieces by a serial killer. When Liz checked her phone, after Dan pulled himself out of her bed the next afternoon and off to his basketball practise, she saw 2 missed calls, a voicemail and 7 texts from Pam, each one more concerned than the last. Laughing, she excitedly dialed Pam’s number to give her the update. He’d taken her to play mini golf at the botanic gardens, as they did glow in the dark golf on summers evenings. They’d made wagers on the loser of each hole having to kiss the winner, and each kiss was better than the last she swooned. He’d given her his jacket to wear when the mosquito’s started going for her through the sheer fabric of her top, and then they’d sipped cocktails, as they took goofy photo’s around the gardens and it’s statues. They had pizza and icecream cozied around the café fireplace, and he told her of his parents disappointment that he became a dentist not a doctor. She shared her fears that she would never be a serious writer and her dreams of writing a best seller one day. He said he believed in her, that if she could win his attention and affection, there was nothing she couldn’t do.

At the end of the night, he’d insisted on Ubering her home, and unable to take her eyes off him, she’d invited him in. They spent a passionate night together, and they made pancakes in her kitchen naked the next morning…. “That sounds very unhygienic” Pam interjected, making a quip about food poisoning. She wasn’t taking this too seriously. “I am going to marry that man!” Liz said, taking no notice of Pam’s lack of enthusiasm.

As, it turned out, Liz was right. After his basketball training, he returned to her place, and he kind of just never left. Now when the girls got together, Dan was there too, and it was at one of these Sunday Brunch sessions with Liz, and Pam, and all the girls Liz had introduced Pam to, that she flashed her diamond. He had proposed! Liz was beaming, and she couldn’t wait to share the news with the crew. They all clinked glasses and talked about wedding gowns and venues. But Liz noticed Pam was quiet.

Taking her aside, she had asked Pam if everything was alright. “Yes, of course, I am happy for you, it’s just, well, we never spend time together anymore? I’m worried you’l get married and have babies and we will drift even further apart” The words were almost a whisper as Pam held back tears. Liz was annoyed. “Don’t rain on my parade! I just got engaged! Don’t make this about you! No wonder we don’t spend time together, when you are so jealous and possessive. I need some space from you. I need people who are happy for me. I have handed in my notice at work. I am going to help Dan with the practise and focus on writing my novel. I’m sure you think that is a terrible idea too, but I don’t want to hear it. Get a life of your own Pam.”

Liz returns to the group with a wide smile, she returns to the cradle of Dan’s arms and melts into him as he kisses the top of her head. The group gush and giggle, and she truly feels happy, and to be honest, relieved. She was going to ask her sister to be Maid of Honour, and she was sure Pam would have been upset about that too. She just couldn’t be happy for Liz and she didn’t need the negativity….

Next week we will read Pam’s side of the story, so stay tuned!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Why is my friend pushing me away?

We’ve all been on the receiving end of this, right? When a friend starts creating distance between you, without actually telling you why. They start cancelling plans, avoiding you in social situations, taking longer to respond to texts and not answering the phone when you call. Sometimes it starts so subtly you hardly even notice until the chasm is already quite large, but if you are intuitive like me, you can probably feel this change in attitude towards you almost immediately.

It's pretty normal, I feel, to start replaying your last interactions in your mind. Re-reading texts and messages, scrolling through interactions on social media and looking for clues that might enlighten you as to what it was that you said that upset them. The reason we do this, I suppose is because this sudden distance feels like punishment, and as such, we look for reasons we are being punished. That’s logical.

Sadly, it’s highly unlikely that you will find any logical explanation, because this act is typically driven by emotion, not logic. The good news, if you can call it such, is that this probably has very little to do with you, or anything you said or did…. Or even did not say or do! The likeliest outcome is that something has shifted for your friend, and as a result, the amount of time and energy they have to devote to you has also shifted.

So, if, and probably when, you reach out demanding answers, it wont be a lie when your friend reassures you that you are still friends and that nothing has changed. It will feel like a lie of course, because you have felt a change and they are denying it. But what they mean, is that they don’t like you any less, or consider you any less of a friend, but their prioroties have shifted and friendship has fallen to a lower ranking.

Painfully, you may argue, that friendship has not lowered in priority, just your friendship! This is likely the case if you can see your friend on social media with their other friends while you suffer the exclusion in humilliating silence. But what I am trying to offer, is that there may be reasons for this that are not about you. It could well be that they met some new friends who seem to have more in common with them or meet needs that you can’t.

But it could also be that they are going through something personal, and either they don’t want to share, don’t feel they can share, or their coping method is simply withdrawal. I’m pretty sure you’re a good friend and you want them to share, you want to be there for them, and you want them to let you in, because this feels like an important part of the friendship script, right? Except that is about you and what you want and the role you see yourself in. This, however, is not about you and is not your choice. You can offer to be there if they need or want you around, but you cannot force them to want it.

That is the most probable scenario, however it would be remiss of me to deny the possibility that you have in some way upset your friend, and they have been looking for ways to get away from you or end the friendship. It is highly likely that you are completely unaware of upsetting behaviours of yours, as your friend has felt unable or unwilling to disclose that these are causing a problem for them. Examples may include gossiping, not listening attentively, talking about yourself too much, using or taking advantage of your friend in some way, or making an offhand comment that you did not realise was damaging or offensive to your friend.

Your friend has not given you the opportunity to address this and make changes. Perhaps they feel that you cannot change, or will not change, or do not feel it is even the place of a friend to request changes. For whatever reason, they have instead chosen to create distance and look for ways out of the friendship. Honestly, wouldn’t you rather have friends who look for reasons to continue to be your friend and make it work? To be with people who communicate directly and clearly?

The thing is, that they are communicating with you. They are indirectly requesting space from you, and actually, they don’t owe you a reason as to why. Maybe it would be nice to have one, but 9 times out of 10, it actually isn’t helpful. Being pushed away feels like a rejection, because it is. So it is normal to respond to a rejection with defensiveness, even if it is unhelpful.

The truth of the matter is, your friend is pushing you away because they want you to go away. Maybe forever, or maybe just for a bit, and the onus is on you to hear this in what they are not saying and respond with graciousness and maturity. Which means trying to give them the space they are requesting, not over thinking it, focussing on your own life for a while and allowing them to contact you as much or as little as they like.

It may mean checking in with them with a friendly text once a month, without demands or requests to let them know you are thinking of them, or it may mean not reaching out but responding with warmth if and when they do. It means not making demands for time and attention, not asking for answers or trying to force things to going back to the way they were before.

It means being secure in yourself, knowing you are a great friend with much to offer, and accepting that people get to choose. It means being ok with it if that choice isn’t you anymore. It means being grateful for all the times you have shared, and perhaps holding hope that in time, they will come back to you. It means wishing them well in the meantime and respecting the boundary they are enforcing without ever knowing why.

Just know that holding hope is not the same as holding on to someone who is asking you to let them go. Holding hope, holding space and forgiveness for them in your heart if they ever choose you again, is not the same as pining for someone. Move on. They are. If it is meant to be, in time, it will be again. If it isn’t, it has filled it’s purpose and that chapter has come to a close. But your book has not.

This approach takes a lot of maturity, patience, forgiveness, and understanding….. and does require you to try not to make this about you, when it feels very personal indeed. It is NOT easy. But it is the path I recommend. For everyone involved. I know these situations tend to feel urgent, but they aren’t. It doesn’t have to continue as it was or end forever. Allow some space for the grey until clarity returns. When it does, you will know the outcome one way or the other, but it wont matter as much anymore.

If your friend is pushing you away, it is time to go, for a while, for now. Stop worrying about it, googling it and stressing yourself. Practise self care, and go have some fun, with other friends, family or solo. What will be will be. Google can’t change it. Sorry. I know that isn’t what you wanted to hear, but it is true….

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

When there is too much tea for two!!

Recently I have posted a fair bit about change and the ways that small changes to our own personal lives and circumstances impact our friendships and how even the smallest changes can actually have widespread social consequences. This is largely unintentional, but true none the less. This week I wanted to talk about what happens when the dynamic between 2 friends shifts as a result of a change.

I witnessed this happen when a friend of mine described a catch up between herself and an old friend. The 2 had worked together for many years, and for most of that time, my friend was in a less than ideal romantic situation. So my friend spent many hours at the office photocopier with her coworker disclosing the latest dramas and crying over things that were not worth her tears. Her friend was older, and wiser, more settled and happily exploring  the new territory that comes with being a grandparent! She seemed like the perfect soft place for my friend to fall and was always there for support, guidance and advice.

However, eventually my friend found freedom from the toxic ex, and found new love. The happy, peaceful, reciprocated kind that flows smoothly and gains rapid forward momentum, and what seemed like a more natural distance started creeping into their friendship, as my friend had less to share over the photocopier and there wasn’t too much common ground between them. This gap only widened when my friend changed jobs and the photocopier as a place of exchange was completely removed.

That’s not to say they didn’t keep in touch. Impressively, and pleasingly, they did, which anyone who has shifted jobs before knows is not always the case. They still liked and valued one another, despite the lack of common ground, and wanted to maintain their closeness. However, the terrain started shifting fairly rapidly when my friend’s friend found herself in a dramatic romantic pairing at the same time that my friend started settling down into domestic bliss with her new partner.

Although my friend had never seen the dynamic as heavily one sided before, perhaps that was because the tea was all flowing from her pot, while her friend’s cup was always full with the latest dramatic episode. In other words, my friend did most of the talking and her friend did most of the listening! Not that it is realistic to believe sharing should be, or will ever be exactly 50 50, as my friend was always conscious to ask after the grandkids and make space for her friend in the conversation, however it had never dawned on her that these interactions were much shorter; a kind of after thought as they closed conversation over the photocopier and returned to their desks.

Now, things had changed and my friend noticed on their most recent catch up, that she had things she felt were exciting happening in her life that she had hoped to share, however her friend seemed to be the one pouring all the tea this time, and my friend’s cup was literally overflowing and could not keep up with the conversation. My friend’s friend desperately needed to share her own dramatic excapades, and, while interesting enough, my friend did not have the same level of interest or patience for these stories as her friend had shown her over the photocopier years earlier.

What goes around comes around, time to pay up!

Her cup may have not been quite so full, had she had the chance to pour a little back into the conversation and share about herself, but her friend was simply in no space to hear positive news. It wouldn’t be fair to paint her as a foul weather friend, someone only interested in your negative dramas, it’s just that she had her own, and negative dramas have this pressing heaviness. They need to be shared more urgently than positive news. And, if you have a friend who is struggling, perhaps it may even seem socially insensitive to go boasting about your own life?

So, as a result, my friend never found the opening to share her news, and she left the catch up somewhat uninspired and unsatisfied with the new dynamic. It felt unbalanced and uncomfortable, although she was able to acknowledge perhaps her friend had felt similarly over the years and it was her turn to be patient and stable and offer support and guidance.

It’s just that human’s don’t always adjust well to change, especially changes like these. Or, for example, when parents start needing care or acting like children and the roles shift, it feels unsettling, strange, and we crave the stability and safety of the way things were. That said, most of the time, these changes are here for the foreseeable future and we just have to navigate them.

My friend lives in hope that her friend will eventually come to find her way forward from the dark drama encapsulating her now, and that they will be able to shift the foundations again when neither has a flurry of negative news to share, however as she discussed it with me, I wondered if this is the exact nature of unequal friendships. How much you feel heard and seen directly relates to how close you feel to a certain friend. But how much they feel seen and heard also directly relates to how close they feel to you in return? Of course, sometimes how much, and how vulnerably someone shares with you also helps you feel closer to them, however I have to wonder if that is symbolic. Like, “this person trusts me enough to share this deeply personal news, they must like me and trust me. So I like them in return.”

Regardless, if someone ever says to you that they feel you are their closest friend, and it leaves you scratching your head, this might be why! It may be that the person in question finds you easy to talk  to and share openly with…. The question is, why don’t you feel similarly? Do they listen to you? Do you feel comfortable sharing with them? Do they ask about you, show interest and hold space for you in conversation? If not….. the dissonance is likely to remain.

When you are spilling the tea with your friends, make sure you are both given the opportunity to pour, which is speaking, and drink, which is listening, or someone is going to get burnt!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

What does moving on really mean?

Sometimes even the best or strongest friendships end. As painful as it is, we are left with no choice but to face facts, come to terms with the loss, and move on. But what does that even mean…. Moving on? How do you move on? How do you know when you have finished moving on and landed in moved on?

Moving on will be an organic process, but that doesn’t mean you wont have to work at it, nor does it mean that it will be a painless process. Because before you can move on, first you have to see yourself through the grieving process. During this initial phase, it is perfectly normal to think about your ex friend, to wonder what went wrong and if there were things you could have done to change things.

After that, for a while, it is normal to feel angry and hurt and sad. Songs or smells or places might easily provoke memories, and these memories will probably be painful. You may or may not reach a stage where you try to reach out to your ex friend to reconcile, but even if you don’t, many people contemplate and entertain conversations that they may never even have.

Eventually, at the end of the grief process you arrive at acceptance. When you reach acceptance, memories have switched to something that maybe make you smile. You are able to look back at what you shared with a sense of gratefulness and just feel happy that you did meet and share a special connection for a time. When your mind wonders over where they are now and what they are doing with their life, you hope that they are well and happy, even although you are no longer around to be a part of their happiness.

The process of moving on starts, after this phase of acceptance has been reached. This is the phase in which you start filling your life and your time with new people and new memories. It might be a time when you focus on yourself and your wellness, health and hobbies. You might throw yourself into work, volunteering at the kids school or training for a marathon. Because when you start to move on, your focus is on yourself, your goals and the things you can control.

So, do you have to replace your friend to say you have finally moved on? In a way, yes, I suppose you do. If that friend was your plus one, finding someone else to fill that void will be important for your quality of life. But friendships are as unique as the 2 people in them, so you can’t ever really replace one friend with another. You may form new strong friendships, but comparing them is unwise and near impossible. Your old friend may have shared your love of true crime documentaries, and perhaps your new friend does not, whereas your old friend perhaps didn’t drink coffee but your new friend might be quite the connoisseur. One isn’t better than the other, but that doesn’t mean you wont miss having someone to watch the latest crime series with, or that you wont enjoy spending Sunday mornings checking out all the local café’s for the best brew.

Just the same as grieving is a process, so too is moving on. For some people these processes are faster than for others, but you can expect the processes to happen over a period of months to years. Sometimes you may feel you are making good progress, then certain things may happen that set you back a few steps, whereas other times you find that you hardly think about the old friendship much at all anymore.

That folks, is key. Because essentially, if you want to say you have moved on from a situation such as this, that means you don’t think about your ex friend. You don’t look them up on social media, you don’t wonder what they are doing, you don’t bring them up in casual conversation with mutual friends, and you don’t wish them well. That’s not to say you wish them harm, but moreso that you don’t wish them anything at all. You have completely let the connection go, and your mind has moved on to different problems to solve.

If you happen to see them on the street, you may pass and say hello, or say nothing, but the idea doesn’t panic you, and you aren’t holding any grudges, nor any pressing questions you need to throw at them to gain answers or insight. You don’t feel anything. Running into them is the same as running into anyone else you used to know. It is normal to feel a spark of recognition, of the person, or their car, or their dog, but you won’t feel a pressing need to follow through and see if it was them.

The thing about knowing when you have moved on, is that you probably wont care that you have, so you will probably never actually acknowledge it. This is something that happens naturally over time. Initially you will be desperate to reach this phase, and be looking for ways to help yourself along, because you just want it to stop hurting.

But if you think about pain, like stubbing your toe…. It certainly hurts, but it didn’t hurt before. The fact is, that you weren’t even really aware of your toe before you stubbed it…. Then every little movement afterwards hurt, and you can’t wait for it to stop. Yet, once it does stop, you very quickly don’t realise, just return to taking your lack of toe pain for granted and go on living your life as if it never happened. This is true, even if you consistently stub your toe in the same spot over the years.

When the pain goes away, and you stop thinking and feeling about it at all, you have moved on, and the ironic part about it is that you no longer care that you have!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Firefly Lane Style Romantic Friendships - Fact or Fiction?

I don’t know if you believe in romantic friendships, I know the idea startles many of you or makes you feel uncomfortable – especially when the person asking the question – aka me, is queer. But if you enjoyed Firefly Lane as much as I did, you will have no room to argue that the friendship between the characters Tully and Kate was the greatest love of their life. For clarity – for some of my readers like my mum, who I know hasn’t watched the show, Tully and Kate met in school and saw each other through countless up’s and downs from adolescence right to the end. There were many expressions of love between the pair, who often described themselves as soulmates, however, physically, they were never intimate. There was never a time that I recall them crossing a boundary, per say, as in they never kissed, however the boundary was definitely blurry.

Some of you may have enjoyed it because of the fantasy it represents, an impossible dream of the ultimate friendship full of passion and love and commitment to withstand anything that life throws at you together, always united. Some of you may scoff at the idea for the same reasons. A lucky few, like me, may have had the pain and pleasure of such a bonding. Lifelong or not, pain and pleasure certainly do go hand in hand even if you and your soul sister do not. I have experienced both kinds, ones where those lines have been crossed, and ones that have always been blurred but never crossed. I can’t say one is better than the other, or that one is less confusing than the other either. What I can say is both are love, and when is that ever simple?

Ok, granted, it can be simple on a TV show, as Tully seems mostly not present for much of Kate’s daughters young life. Infact, TV shows have this way of brushing over this area of life and focusing on the before kids life, then rushing back to the teen years where kids are maybe not less demanding, but certainly more interesting at least, for the viewer. There are very few scenes that feature the time in Kate’s life where she wasn’t available to be Tully’s cheerleader because she had to be home for the bed bath dinner routine by 4pm, and many scenes where we have to assume Kate must have left the kid with someone else.

I raise this because the show spans over decades, zooming in and out of different points over the years and highlighting important moments for the characters, both together, and individually to help us get a more rounded understanding of how they came to be who they were and how they came to form the bond that they had. But it has the power of something bigger, that we don’t possess in our own friendships, and that is the perspective of time, looking backwards from the end point.

Many of my romantic friendships were strong and powerful and meaningful, just as theirs was, however, many of them also didn’t last and I don’t subscribe to the idea that this makes them less valuable or meaningful. Also, my life isn’t over, so I don’t know with whom I may rekindle after a fight as Tully and Kate did so many times, or who may blindside me with unimaginable hurt and betrayal either, as the characters also experienced. I cannot know the outcomes, the emotional reactions or the other characters who will inevitably come in and out of our lives and influence the people we become, the pathways of our lives and the bond we share.

Kate and Tully were almost always each other’s go to plus one, they mingled in the same circles, followed similar career paths and only brushed over long periods of absences. In real life, Tully would have been much busier and probably left Kate feeling much more neglected, and she would probably have ended up with a stronger relationship with Tully’s personal assistant, who seemed to be lacking in the show, because that narrative would have diluted their closeness. What if Tully had also had a husband and children? Would she still have spent every free moment with Kate? What if Kate had followed a career path into medicine and not journalism, would they still have had so much time and so much in common to connect over? Obvioulsy TV shows are unrealistic on purpose, that is why we enjoy the pure fantasy of them and their perfectness. It is enjoyable romanticized escapism. I don’t mind that, I enjoyed it every bit as much as you did, dear reader. But my point is that we shouldn’t strive for it or compare our own connections to this model, because this model was designed to escape all the narratives of reality, and in a perfect world, we would all have perfect friendships and houses and careers and kids and vacations and bank balances etc…. But you cannot blame yourself, or your friends, that the world you live in is not the one of dreams.

What’s important is that you do love your friends as powerfully as you can, or as your circumstances will allow. I know one of my romantic friendships thrives because my friend is single and at this stage of her life, childfree. So she is available for friendship dates and dinners, and can call me for long frivolous conversations about everything and nothing. And as I am a stay at home parent, of older children, I can accommodate those things that bring us both pleasure and keep us together. However, I am well aware that my friends intention to have a baby will change things considerably. She is good with babies and children, always has been. And so, I was lucky in that when mine were young she spent much time with us, and formed strong connections with them. She was always willing to accommodate including them in our time together, and easily accepted I came with 2 pretty annoying arguing small people, and our time together would invariably involve some sort of activity like mini golf or children’s movies and some sort of meal at a loud child friendly venue.  Not everyone’s cup of tea, particularly when you work with children and most people would prefer to spend time off away from them given the choice. But our circumstances brought us together in ways that work wonders.

Now that my children are teenagers and my friend is embarking on an IVF journey to become a solo mother, I am not convinced I will be so accommodating as my friend was to me, because she loved children, wanted them desperately and deliberately dedicated her life to them, whereas I am enjoying some of the newfound freedoms that come with older children; adults movies past 6pm and not rushing home at 3pm to pick them up from the school gate! But that is only if circumstances even allow or dictate for me to be the friend to her that she was to me. She has talked about travelling the world with her retired mother and her child before it reaches school age, and I am not silly enough to think that distance wouldn’t dilute a once romantic friendship back down to a simmering acquaintance of someone you used to know.  Similarly if I decided to return to work, I might be less available too. We don’t know what will happen. We have parted ways once before. We may again. All we know for sure is that right now, it works for us, it is meaningful and enjoyable, but that life doesn’t offer guarantees that it will always stay that way.

My other romantic friendship is with someone I have loved from my school days, someone who grew into a romantic relationship, then the relationship part eventually failed, but that romantic love we have for each other, the commitment and the loyalty hasn’t really ever faltered. Of course there was also a period of separation, and our lives are so different to how we both imagined back in school, but yet, we find ways to come together. We could do a similar montage as the show, fill a season or 2 and make it seem like we were never far from one another. It’s true, in many ways, we weren’t. But it would be a misrepresentation to say that we were heavily involved in the ins and outs of one another’s everyday lives, that we always had the latest gossip as it happened or that nobody else ever knew the big news before the other. Because we both have lives, both have kids on the spectrum, she has a job, we both have partners, other friendships and family relationships to maintain independently from each other, and housework and we live a good 45 minutes on a good day away from one another. So the reality is for many years we didn’t see each other much at all, but when we did, it was grand. Fun, laughter, deep sharing, food, connection, venting, kids playing, all the stuff from the highlight reel was there. Just not everyday, intensely, at the expense of all else, and years where we maybe only saw each other 4 times a year, and didn’t chat much in between….

I suppose my point is that romantic friendships are wonderful and possible, but you shouldn’t hold them to romanticized ideals represented in tv and movies. You have to allow room for reality, and the reason they don’t show that on the big screen is because it isn’t always pretty, there isn’t always a happy ending or closure and everything tied off in a neat little bow. In reality, Tully and Kate were codependent, unhealthy, possessive and exclusionary and it was only by imaginary circumstance that they stayed true. Strive to be like them all you like, but have realistic expectations or you’ll be disappointed. Friends can be soulmates, greatest loves of our lives, but we have to let each other lead those lives, independently too.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Control Your Time and Your Own Narratives Not Each Other

Some people are planners and some people are more vague, uncommitted and “go with the flow” kind of people. When two of these types of people meet and become friends, they can easily feel frustrated by one another. It is common for the planner to feel let down by the vagueness while the more flaky friend can easily feel pressured and trapped. So while they like each other, the friendship can be stressful to maintain.

I am a planner type. So I like to know my plans in advance and make decisions accordingly. I know a good friend of mine is not like this, she can be flaky as she tries to fit in with her family and be available to them. This impedes her ability to commit to plans with friends. I totally understand this, so I try  to be flexible and accommodating to her. However, earlier in our friendship, her flakiness was definitely an issue for me, and we struggled to find even ground to build foundations.

I often felt as though I was powerless and “waiting around” for her, in case she happened to be free, and was consistently disappointed and resentful of the days I wasted hoping she might make some time to spend together. It meant for me, that I was saying no to other opportunities because I had committed to plans with my flaky friend, while she was saying yes to the other opportunities and only seeing me if nobody else was available.

It’s not as simple as saying I was making her a priority while she was treating me as an option… (the last option!) Because she had her family responsibilities and her family were relatively dependent and demanding of her, and I do understand that they do, and should, come first. But it still challenged my limits of flexibility. As a planner, I like to buy tickets ahead of time, plan out the meals, make bookings and have an idea of how the time will be spent.

I see value in spending time on these things in advance, so things go to plan and you are free to enjoy exactly what you had planned. It brings me happiness when you can set a time to leave the house, roll up at the venue knowing it is booked and paid, and be really present in the activity and the person you are with. If it is an option, I will look at the menu online in advance so I don’t waste time there deciding and I can continue the conversation with my friend.

So it is stressful and anxiety producing for me, to just show up at the venue on the night and see if they have tickets available etc…. And I will plan my day around it accordingly. So if we said we were going to go see a movie, at 10am, I will get the tickets in advance, I will pack a bag of movie snacks and drinks because I am frugal, I will get up early and do my morning exercise in time, and I will book a place for lunch after the movie depending on which cinema we are attending. But if we just say “we might go see a movie next week…” I don’t know what time to be ready, what dining venues are going to be nearby, if tickets will be available etc….. As I have children, those details matter. Do I need to organise babysitters? What will they eat while I am out? It’s fair to say I prefer to feel in control of the outcomes so I can relax.

But that means my friend might be hesitant to commit to an activity with me, knowing that I want to pin it down early, and invest in it, and she will be causing distress to me if she can’t make it, or causing distress to her family if they happen to need her help. So therefore, me even suggesting plans might make her stressed, and if she says something non comital, she knows I will push for more information and she will feel pressured. It’s hard to make a friendship work when both people feel stressed about spending time together.

In time, I learned to accept my friend would be late, almost every time, and trust that she would do her best to commit to plans but I would need to be flexible in changing them if possible. She learned I needed her to commit to time together, even if how that time was spent was more flexible. So we might agree to go for dinner next week, but then if she has to babysit for one of her nieces and nephews, we can go to a family friendly venue, or just go to her place, and I can plan my day around the fact that I wont be home that day either way. Or we make plans to go to the casino, for example, or other venues that don’t require a booking or a specific time and date or any real planning on my part.

However, recently I found myself frustrated again when I said yes to a wishy washy plan. She had said she needed to stay close to home on a certain day, for medical reasons. I asked her if she wanted me to come up and keep her company, and she seemed happy about the suggestion initially and then said she had to speak to her mother first and would get back to me. I said I would be available if she wanted company, I didn’t have anything planned for that day, but was happy to play it by ear. I would either be at home, or at her house, it didn’t feel like it mattered and I just told her we would talk about it later.

However, the morning rolled around, and I was going to enjoy a sleep in, until I remembered that I may be going out so I decided I better get up and get moving. After my morning exercise I decided to pack the kids a lunchbox as I might not be home at lunchtime and that way there would be something to quickly pull out and easily feed them. I made their breakfast, showered and dressed for the day. By the time I was ready, it was about 9.30am. But I was still unclear if my friend was actually expecting me. I decided it was probably a little early for my friend yet, and just to wait a little before I might hear from her.

But I even struggled to fill that time, because I didn’t want to start writing if I wouldn’t have time to finish, I didn’t know if I had time to run a load of washing or watch a movie etc…. So I pottered about the house, cleaned the bathroom (which was no bad thing) and took some things out the freezer to defrost for dinner. But when my daughter asked if her friend could come over, I couldn’t answer, because I didn’t know my own movements. When I presented them with the lunchboxes at lunch time they had complaints because they prefer a hot meal made for them if I am home with them. (Yes, entitled spoiled children, I know!) So I began to get frustrated that I had planned my day around maybe going to my friends place and she hadn’t even let me know.

Venting to someone about my frustration, it was pointed out to me, that I was not controlling my narrative. I should not have agreed to wishy washy plans and said “we can talk about it later.” I could have called my friend and asked her the plan, or I could have made my own plans and then said to my friend if she called, “I am doing xyz, but after that we can meet up.” Instead I put my time in the hands of my friend, who is probably too concerned about her medical thing to have even considered me, didn’t care too much either way if she had my company, and probably hadn’t even thought or remembered about our conversation about it. Instead I waited all day in limbo and that is my fault.

So if you have a flaky friend, or even if you are the flaky friend, you can control your narrative, by being clear about what you will do, and not living to the other person’s standards. You should work together as a team, and take control of your own time, and how you spend it and with whom. If my friend makes plans with me, and they are cemented, she will tell her family that she can’t help. I appreciate that because I know it isn’t easy for her, and she’d probably rather be helping them. If I make plans with my friend, I need to be accountable for how flexible I am and making sure I am not over investing or waiting around, if she hasn’t committed, I don’t have to either.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Ages and Stages; Life may still pull you apart at any moment.

Last week, we talked about change. There are obvious times when friendships experience strain, starting from a very young age, and with no age limit, unfortunately. Which means no matter how old you are, nor how old your friendship is, you are never immune to this experience. And it never gets any easier from what I am told.

It starts right from early childhood, when your best friend moves away or goes to a different school, or even just gets put into a different classroom than you, and starts making friends with their other classmates. One or both of you might join a sports team or take up some other hobby that sees you forming fresh and competitive bonds. Not to mention all the drama that comes with adolescence that adds to the push and pull of friendships and relational aggression.

After school ends, people take jobs, get partners and go on different pathways. Some move states or cities or countries, some move out of the family home and embark on independence, while some stay closer to home and struggle to find their feet.

Some young people take up their first romantic and sexual relationships in school, but more serious connections tend to form after that. These connections tend to be intense, and draw much of a person’s time and attention away from friends and even family in a bid to start making memories, and families, of their own.

This can also be considered a competitive period of time, everyone wanting to prove themselves and get that validation, even if goals weren’t the same. Maybe some wanted to be famous on the stage while others wanted to be a famous athlete. Others wanted to be the CEO of a company and some wanted to build their company from the ground up. And at the back of their minds, most wanted to reach the happily ever after finish line in an acceptable and competitive time period. Competition is counterintuitive to friendships really, because somebody wins and somebody loses. This comparison alone easily leads to friendship rifts as people tell themselves they outgrew each other or that their values and goals were just too different in the real world.

Friendships are further impacted by the following stage of life, where people marry and have children. Parenthood tends to steer parents together as they navigate the task of raising children. However close you may have been before, if one of you has children and the other does not, typically the friendships will dance further apart, at least for a time, as each person seeks the company of others on a similar path. And even if you do have children at the same time, if they do not get along, or your parenting ideals and values turn out to be quite opposite, that is another factor that is likely to get in the way of even long term friendships.

If you work full time, parent or not, it’s likely the people you work with everyday are likely to become your friends. Even if you don’t have tonnes in common, you are thrown together each day and you become familiar if you want to or not. These friendships feel easy, as you are paid to have them and what you do have in common is time and place. You are the people who know the politics of your workplace, and the people most likely to know the nuances of your home life as you engage in general chit chat as the years go by.

But then comes a stage in life where you leave the workforce, and many people struggle to maintain these former connections once that frequent time is removed, and once the common ground of the politics, the familiar faces are gone. At this stage of life, you may be segregated into categories of those of you with grandchildren and caring responsibility, to those of you without who want to travel and regain some of the freedoms you anticipated for much of your life. Or there may be those of you who are better financially set for retirement and those of you who need or want to continue some type of part time work or paid hobby. Again, these things may separate you, or place strain among even the strongest and longest of friendships.

Health then starts to come into play, if you were fortunate enough that it didn’t before. Some may be more limited, or struggle with mental health. Divorce and second marriages etc… are other evets during a person’s life that can unexpectedly draw them apart from friends.

Most of these things have nothing at all to do with friendships, and yet we tend to take these separations quite personally and hurt ourselves unnecessarily in the process. It isn’t usually true to say your friend didn’t care for you, only that their life took them on a path different to yours, and that made maintaining your friendship more difficult. The positive regard may indeed still stand, even if the time, attention and closeness felt as a result lessen.

These things are not things you can predict and not things you can really prepare for. At times these changes actually happen quite suddenly, as people may unexpectedly experience grief, changes, relationships and any number of opportunities that may alter their course in life. You can’t even always control your own path, let alone those of your friends.

But what you can control is how you respond to these changes. The most important thing is probably allowing flexibility, and tolerating periods of change with grace and maintaining positive feelings, trusting that your friend has not set out to hurt you and does care for you. The next thing to be mindful of is your expectations. To expect things not to change or to return to how they were before, after periods of change, is not fair or realistic. Even expecting that the friendship will continue forever, just because it has continued for 10, 20, 30 or more years, is unwise. It is important to acknowledge you would like something to continue, but that you cannot control this, as the other person is free to live, love, and learn on their own path in their own time.

Things change, and essentially it is difficult, but important to try and change along with them. You are not the same person you were at 10, 20, 30, or 60 etc…. and that is ok. It is natural for us to grow and change, but as a result we must accept that changes in our friendships are normal too. Only with much grace and flexibility and trust, will you be able to focus on the positives, appreciate what still exists, however small, and not feel a sense of loss, but instead embrace change.

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Pressing the Reset Boundaries Button

Is it possible to start over with a friend? We know there is no rewind button, no pause and no fast forward to skip the ugly or hard parts. But once you reach troubled water, is there any way to be better? I am not necessarily talking about when you have fallen out, although that would be a chance for a reset, but I mean when you have decided something about your dynamic no longer serves you, and you want to change it…. Is this possible?

It would be naïve to say that this would be totally easy, because much like other areas of our lives…. We  sometimes run our relationships on autopilot. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. And bad behaviours are hard to change. So, without commitment from both people, and even with it, changes can be hard to commit to. It is so easy to slip back into bad habits. Just like a diet!

What would be reasons or examples you want to reset boundaries I hear you asking?

You used to talk on the phone everyday for hours, but for whatever reason, you no longer want to talk as frequently or for as long.
You used to have traditions that you no longer want to participate in, or follow.
One of you used to pay for things more often and you want to make it more equal.
One of you always drives and no longer wants that responsibility.
You used to engage with each other’s family, but that no longer feels comfortable or appropriate.
One of you tends to always initiate plans or make the first contact and it has started to feel one sided.
You tend to engage in unhealthy habits together and one of you is trying to get healthier.

Those are just a few examples that came to mind, but I am sure there are many more! These things sound easy to change, in theory, but in practise, they aren’t always. Particularly if one of you is resistant to this change. If you are trying to drink less, for example, but you and a certain friends have always had a social drink, and your friend is happy with this arrangement, you may find that they aren’t all that interested in supporting the change. So you might find yourself agreeing to go along to the bar anyway and having a non alcoholic drink, but you don’t seem to enjoy it anymore. You may even find that your friend pressures you to just have a drink with them, even if you only have one. This is a slippery slope, right?

You want to hold on to your friendship, but what if the things that were keeping you together are actually unhealthy for one or both of you? Lets use the phone calls as a lesser example. If you stop calling or answering the calls, will your connection dwindle due to the lack of contact? The chances are that it will, yes, and one of you will feel the loss a lot more than the other. For one of you, or both of you, it may start to feel like you aren’t really even friends at all anymore and this is the beginning of the end…

I know I have had friendships that went through big shifts like this. Some of them made it and some of them didn’t. But even the ones that did make it, the closeness is gone for me, even if the friendship is not, and quite often the friend in question still believes we are close. It’s not necessarily that we aren’t. I may still be able to tell that person anything and everything, but they just don’t make time or space to listen to me anymore, so I don’t bother trying to tell them. This is an error on both our parts. One should not assume we are close if I am no longer talking to you the way I was, but I should also not assume my friend doesn’t want to hear me either. The problem is perhaps that neither of us has adjusted to the change even if we have both accepted it. My friend doesn’t realise I don’t feel like they have time to talk to me and I don’t realise they feel like I stopped sharing as punishment for the change.

But of course, this is a normal part of life, of friendships ebbing and flowing and changing, stretching and evolving over time. I’m not saying everything like this even needs to be addressed or changed. Maybe they don’t and that’s the actual answer right there.

But when these changes are facing us, they do have a tendency to seem more pressing, and of course we wish to maintain friendships as much as possible, while making whatever changes we feel are right for us. That expectation isn’t always realistic, because whatever feels right for us may not feel right for our friend. Essentially you have to honour your own boundaries, regardless of what makes your friend happy.

However, this is easier said than done. If your friend just assumes you will drive, you will have to ask them to take their car. Making an excuse may work the first time or 2, however it’s unlikely your friend wont start to get suspicious and ask questions, and you will usually end up in an awkward conversation about how you always drive and you would like to change that. It is a small silly thing, but you still may encounter resistance. Are you willing to negotiate? Why doesn’t your friend drive? Would you be willing to drive if they paid you fuel money? Are they always drinking? How do you feel about sharing an uber or taxi? What if your friend can’t see well at night, are you prepared to drive at night and let them do the day shift?

Small changes often have knock on effects you see, and become bigger issues than they need to be. You might find your friend would rather not go out if it is going to cost them fuel money etc… suddenly the outing is no longer worth it to them. So you feel annoyed and used and like you were only ever their free ride. Instead of suggesting that you just hang at home instead so neither of you have the expense, or if you meet there, you might have rigid ideas about how this issue could be resolved in a satisfactory manner, and an unwillingness to compromise could cost your friendship.

We need to remember that friendship is a team effort and that we always need to try and stay on the same team even while making changes. This means a willingness to discuss the issue, and a willingness to compromise on outcomes too.

Going back to the phone call example, just never talking to your friend on the phone again probably isn’t a viable solution if that was your mode of connection, and you wish to preserve the friendship. Suddenly not answering the phone will feel like a ghosting and denying that there is an issue is unkind. So a conversation needs to be had, and it needs to be honest and considerate in equal measure. Such as telling Suzie that you have really valued your phone conversations over the years and how much you appreciate that she always makes the effort to call. But that you’re struggling to make time for it as often now, and sometimes catch yourself feeling resentful when you are on the phone for hours and don’t get whatever it was you needed to do done and then are late to bed etc…. Or whatever the issue is. Then ask her for ways she thinks you could maintain your friendship in meaningful ways without the daily calls. You need to know what you’re comfortable with. Can you accommodate a weekly call at a mutually convenient time? Or can you suggest a dinner instead? The idea is to let Suzie know the connection is still important to you, and you still want to talk to her, just not in the current manner.

It may still be hard for Suzie to accept. Maybe you were the only person she talked to each day and having that phone call helped her feel less alone. Or maybe having you to vent to each day had become a coping mechanism. It’s still ok for you to make changes if this doesn’t work for you, but if you can be understanding and compassionate about why the calls may have been important to her, and still work towards compromising to meet her need, the change should be easier to implement.

Sometimes you have success. But in my experience, it is rare. You may stick to new boundaries initially, but find that Suzie calls a few days in a row after her mum goes into hospital. Then you make allowances because it is s stressful time and you want to be a good friend. Then she keeps calling because she is stressed during her mother’s recovery, but before long, her mum has recovered and you once again feel stuck and resentful about the calls having slipped back into your life. The other way it might go is  that Suzie now feels her conversation is bothersome. She feels insulted and like you actually don’t want to talk to her. She misses her weekly call and is hurt when you fail to notice. She takes it as a sign that your friendship is over and quietly withdraws. You have no idea that you and Suzie aren’t really friends anymore, while Suzie quietly moves on with her life and finds people that do have time for her calls.

It isn’t easy dear readers, to set new boundaries. It isn’t impossible, but there is no remote with a reset button, and we can’t control other people or the outcomes. So do and say what you need to do and say for yourself and see what happens. I can’t guarantee that the friendship will survive or feel as meaningful as it does now.

What I can do is advise you to be mindful of the patterns you set with people, and if they will always be sustainable to you. Of course it isn’t always easy to predict. Maybe you didn’t know you were about to get pregnant or maybe you thought you’d be single forever and then you met someone. But the patterns you set fit this current version of you, and if you want the friendship to fit all the versions you will become, try not to over commit to doing things a certain way… be mindful of your patterns and behaviours, be honest when change arises, and be accommodating and understanding. And as much as possible, start as you plan to continue!

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx

Where are the boundaries between friends and family?

We have all heard the expression “friends are the family that  you choose for yourself.” If you are a regular reader of mine you may already know that I am not  a huge fan of this expression, because in my experience there is a pretty clear line between friends and family, and no matter how close you might be to someone, family will always kinda trump friendship. Added to which, the relationships are of a different nature and sometimes the fact that friendships are somewhat less invested and intertwined with who we are as people, is actually part of their value.

But that isn’t really what I am trying to talk about today. What I am getting at is when a friend gets a little too close for comfort to your family for your liking. Maybe a female friend is a little too flirty with your brother, or you find out your friend and your cousin have been hanging out without telling you. Sometimes your friend might even attach themselves to your parents, and it can be hard to put your finger on exactly why it makes you uncomfortable.

Are you being possessive or jealous? Your family are great people, and you love them. Your friend is a great person who you also love. So why should this be an issue?

Most of the time, if we are honest, it is because we assume deep down that these relationships are central to ourselves and therefore that any conversation is naturally about us. Who we are with family tends to be quite different to who we are with friends. Or maybe that isn’t it, maybe you are exactly the same person to your friend as you are to your family, yet there is still unease. You know that your friend has their own life and things to discuss, but perhaps you can’t shake the feeling that one or both have an agenda to discuss you?

And it is pretty normal not to want your friends to know certain things that your family does. Like how you were an avid tuba player in the seventh grade, until you tripped during marching practise and split your lip. Or how you ended up living with your parents again at 30 after a messy divorce. Even if your friend already knows these things, we tend to like to control the narrative.

Not to mention that boundaries can get blurred. If you fall out with your friend, you don’t want to visit your mother and find them at the kitchen table asking for advice, and similarly you don’t want your friend getting messed up in family disputes and dramas either. A friend of mine recently relayed a story about a friend who wrote to her mother to “dob” on her when they had a tiff, and disclosed other information that my friend had never intended her mother to know. This caused a lot of unnecessary drama for my friend and her mother and did nothing to assist in the repair of the friendship.

In the end the friendship was never repaired, because trust could never be rebuilt, and yet the friend continues to send my friends mother a yearly Christmas card with a letter. My friend has long since stopped asking her mother what these letters say, but still feels somewhat violated by the ongoing intrusion into her circle and her world. When you cut ties with someone, you really don’t want to see them at the family gathering or hear about their annual update. Or hear about them at all, really.

There are people in my own life who come up from time to time, although they are no longer in my life, because our families keep in touch. And even that can feel awkward as you feign interest about the other person and feel pretty confident that they would also prefer not to entertain polite conversation about you and what’s happening in your life either.

Recently in my own life, I met an association of a friends husband’s brother at said husband’s 50th birthday party. I really enjoyed conversation with this person and could have talked to her all day. She disclosed that she had written a book, about a topic that a close friend of mine is struggling with. As it happened I had already read a different book on the subject to support my friend, and I found it interesting enough that I immediately promised this lady I was going to read her book. I did, and I did enjoy it.

The conundrum comes when I thought about reaching out to the author to tell her how much I enjoyed the book. Something stops me. Something tells me that this might be a violation of an invisible boundary that exists… that it isn’t my place to form connections with my friends inlaws. That potentially things could get messy, boundaries could get blurred and it is important to show my loyalty to my friend. (For context, the relationship with the inlaws hasn’t always been smooth sailing.)

That said, this particular friend and I have a laugh that my own mother appears to be her biggest fan on social media and is often the first to like and comment on her posts! This doesn’t worry me, I have no fears that they are gossiping about me behind my back or that loyalties are at stake. Similarly I have heard stories of people who were thrilled when their bestie married their brother and they became sisters in law! But if the situation makes you uneasy, I would encourage you to explore why that is, and gently try to discourage either party getting too attached to the other.

Nobody wants to feel like they are competing for their friends with their family, or worse, competing for their family with their friends. They are a separate category of relationships for a reason and I still tend to believe this is for the best!

What are your thoughts and experiences with this?

❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx