Frelationships; those meaningful relationships with our friends that fulfil our relationship needs essentially, mist often when we are single. Let’s explore that.
You’re single, but never short of a plus one, and you already know exactly who you will spend your Friday night with. You make a big fuss of holidays and occasions together, say I love you, have sleepovers and talk almost every day. You may even live together. This friend feels more like a soul mate on many levels and you are insanely comfortable with each other and know each other sometimes better than you know yourselves.
Basically you’re in friend love and the only discernible difference in your relationship aside from the label “friendship” is the lack of sexual contact. Usually. It sounds wonderful, because honestly, it is! Many people say that their ideal partner is their best friend and lover all wrapped up in one neat little package. Plus MOST people would agree that given the choice between 2 exclusive categories (if you could only choose one for life) – friend versus lover, that they would choose friendship every time.
In theory this works, and we all live happily ever…. Except that fairy tales are lies. Even though these friends are happy together, chances are they are still searching for romantic love. This can be fun, double dates, helping each other swipe left or right, sharing profiles you think the other would like, and even commiserating over failed dates and ghosting. However, there almost always comes a time when one person finds the love they have been searching for, and happily pursues it.
It doesn’t matter that the 2 of you always did Mexican on Friday nights, it’s a fairly safe bet to say it’ll be tacos for one from now on. Maybe you always went to weddings as each others plus one? Yeah, chances are that wont be happening anymore either. Maybe you used to text all day, but now you only hear from your pal once a week or so – where it feels like she feigns interest in your life for a few minutes before launching into the latest in their relationship?
You’re a good, loyal, loving friend. You’re happy for your friend, and you understand you have to share her now. She has to make time for her partner, you totally get it. You wait it out for a few months. She’ll pop out of that love bubble soon enough, right? But instead she announces they’re moving in together, getting a dog, getting engaged, having a baby, or moving away.
Your friend does feel guilty. She does care. She is well aware that she is shutting you out and turning away from you. You start to question your whole friendship if she could discard you so quickly and seemingly easily. The truth is that you were in a frelationship, and now it’s just a friendship. It’s natural to struggle with this transition as the person discarded and replaced. It’s sad and it hurts. You feel alone. It is ok to be sad.
I posted last week about convenience in friendships. This is the prime example of a convenient friendship. Say for example you and your friend-love both work 9 to 5, and so does her partner….before the partner, you used to have pretty much the same schedule and availability….. but now any time you are free…. The partner is also free and expecting her time and attention. Whereby giving you time and attention before was effortless, now it has become not just an effort, but a struggle. Which feels like the worst part of it all. Why doesn’t she want to make time for you?
Same as the previous post – because she didn’t really have to make time before. It was mutually convenient, and now it isn’t. If your fre-lation-ship is a boat then it’s sinking. If you hold on to it with dear life, you’ll sink with it. You must accept that the dynamics have changed. Your friend will have more time for people it is convenient to see. And she may be making time for other people, other couples for example where she wasn’t before.
Her perspective has changed. Her situation has changed. She has probably changed. Holding on to how it was before is only going to hold you back. It isn’t like that anymore and it probably never will be again. You can still be friends, but it wont feel as safe and secure as it did before. Rest assured – this is a good thing. It will open your horizons to new people and motivate you more in your own life to take your own direction.
It isn’t personal. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Technically neither did the other party. This doesn’t take away from what you shared together. It could be an ending, or you could adjust and make it a new beginning, by accepting whatever your friend can offer now, and being supportive.
The problem with frelationships is that they tend to have an element of dependence and exclusivity. So if you have a frelationship, and it’s working for you, that’s great. Be happy. For now. Just make sure you do have other friends too. Life boats. No one person is enough to meet all your emotional needs. Not one friend or one lover. Consider what you’d do without your friend and start filling any potential gaps you ,might see, because while no relationship comes with a guarantee, yours is almost certainly temporary.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
