As I have mentioned here before, quite a few of my friends are currently in the dating world. While I would love to say all of them met that special someone right off the bat and never looked back, sadly this isn’t the case. Actually they have met quite a few potential partners, however somewhere along the line those warm fuzzies inevitably leave them feeling cold.
The thing is, sometimes the signs were there from the beginning and my friends just didn’t see, or maybe didn’t want to see the red flags. I can understand it is terribly hard to accept rejections on this level and it feels really personal. Some friends have almost given up while others insist on analysing it to death to understand what is “wrong” with them that this keeps happening.
Naturally my friends are wonderful people, and there is definitely nothing wrong with any of them! However when I attempt to point out the fact that they overlook things too easily because they are attracted to a person, that they accept less than they deserve and make excuses for their mate, and that they fail to recognise the signs or truly hear what the other person is telling them, they are not really interested in hearing me either.
A friend might say she was ghosted by someone for example, when in fact it was clear that he had tried to end it several times and she just kept on saying she wanted to make it work. Or she’s shocked to find out he’s not as single as he claimed to be when they first met, even though he ditched her for his “ex” on several occasions. Or she may defiantly claim that she knows that he loves her, even though she is complaining to you about all the behaviour that suggests exactly the opposite.
Sometimes if you actually try and force your friend to hear you or see the truth, because you care about her and you don’t want her to get hurt, she may even shoot the messenger. She may accuse you of being jealous or unsupportive or just too negative. Which, to be fair, may be partially true. Because we love our friends and worry for them, obviously the red flags seem like stop signs to us way before she can read the writing on the wall!
So what’s a girl to do to stop her friend getting hurt? Just be there to pick up the pieces. To listen to her, and encourage her to see the signs in her own time. NOTE I am not talking about abuse, I am talking about when the person they are into just doesn’t seem to be as into them in return. I am learning this lesson by way of experience. When you really like someone, you are inclined to want to believe they like you back, and your brain seems to develop this uncanny ability to see what it wants to see and justify what it can’t ignore.
Your friend isn’t ignoring your advice on purpose. She can’t help it. She want this. She is not ready to accept that the other person doesn’t want it as much as she does, if at all. She’s not interested in what causes her to consistently fall for narcissists for example, partly because she doesn’t want to believe this person might be another one, and partly because she doesn’t care why – really she just wants it to work.
We all fall down the “why me, it’s not fair” rabbit hole from time to time and you have to allow her to do that when it doesn’t work out…. Accept that although she might be asking the question, all she really wants is for you to validate her pain and suffering. Agree with her that it isn’t fair. Assure her it’s their loss. Reassure her there is nothing wrong with her, she is a catch, and never to give up.
Frustrating as it might be sometimes, it’s your job to listen to her Even if she complains about the same things over and over and does nothing to change it. This is her life. You have to let her live it. Let her learn her own lessons and draw her own conclusions when she reaches that enlightenment eventually… if she ever does. I know you want to help her. I know you want to save her. You can’t.
If she has nobody to talk to it will be even worse and more isolating, so just listen. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Ask her how she feels about it and if she says it makes her mad – tell her you should be mad. If it makes her sad tell her you understand why she is sad. If says she is happy, tell her you are happy for her. Just validate her experience. The more you emphasise what she is feeling, the more she might have the courage to act on what she is feeling and walk away from someone who isn’t treating her as she deserves.
The most challenging thing I have experienced here is that the other person isn’t validating her emotions. So although she is mad with rights to be mad, they may be telling her she is over reacting. When you are doubting your emotions and their validity it is hard to act on them. So don’t force her into making any decisions, just listen and validate. As often as it takes.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
