I am the first to admit I’m a bit of a pessimist, although I like to joke that I am just a realist in a bad mood. Lol I don’t know if I come from a long line of pessimists, or if it just so happens that my parents were both pessimists and growing up in that environment impacted my social development. Regardless it seems inevitable that I would be this way inclined, if all women turn into their mothers eventually anyway, right?
To be fair, my mother is a social woman and growing up, I saw how her friendships made her happy and how much time and attention she gave them. I remember quietly listening to snippets of their conversations, always hoping they’d be talking about me I suppose. I’m not sure what I expected to hear, but unless my mother was talking about how messy I was, which she frequently did, the conversations seemed dull.
Not because they weren’t enjoying one another’s company, they were. I just couldn’t figure out why you would rather complain about your run in with the grocery store about incorrect prices or how you couldn’t lose weight than have fun and play! By all accounts, my mother and her friends appeared to be smiling and laughing much of the time, but I suppose I found it sad that their day to day lives were really all they had to entertain themselves. I vowed never to grow up and to always be messy.
I am indeed still messy, however I almost remember the day I grew up specifically. I had always liked flipping around on the parallel bars, the monkey bars, the climbing frames and the chin up bars in the playground. Then one morning, I just couldn’t flip. I was filled with fear that I would hurt myself. From that day on, my friends and I didn’t venture to the playground anymore. Instead, we sat around chatting. I explain to my daughter now that this is sometimes how adults play and she looks at me with the same confusion and pity in her expression as I used with my own mother. You’ll understand one day, I tell her, but I hope it isn’t any day soon.
If I cast my mind back to those days, our conversations were about crushes, what teacher was unfair to us, what new ways our parents had annoyed us and what we were going to do on the weekend. Over the years those conversations grew to include dating disaters, relationship woes, moaning about study, the impossible task of living with almost no money, employment stresses, health complaints, weight and body issues, family problems….. and the list goes on. While the people I have shared with have definitely continued to change over time, the topics haven’t changed that much.
I know I have at least one person in my life who finds my negativity draining. Probably more. I am not unaware of the issue, I just wanted to contemplate how it became this way and if indeed it is an issue. I have so much in my life to be happy about, honestly. As a matter of fact, and I am sure my mother would agree, despite my complaining about the day to day issues I face, I have always chosen to live my life in whatever way makes me happy.
I have a wonderful husband who adores me, and works insanely hard to support us. I am lucky enough to have the luxury to have the option to stay home and write instead of working in paid endeavors. We take fantastic overseas holidays usually at least once a year. I can buy whatever I need. I have 2 great kids, and I didn’t have trouble conceiving. I enjoy an active social life, have time to read and relax. I am close to my family and enjoy time with them. I have wonderful friends who I can laugh and cry with. In short I have happily ever after.
I’d like to point out that the last paragraph feels like bragging. Sorry. That’s the first reason I don’t talk too much about the good things. Added to that, “happily ever after” is where the story ends… because it’s just not that interesting! Seriously. How can I really elaborate that into a meaningful conversation with someone? I have always craved deeper connections with people, and those are not, in my experiences anyway, brought on from talking about life’s pleasantries.
Rightly or wrongly, most of the strong connections in my life have come from being there for each other in darker times. From vulnerability, which often hides from the light of day. Someone might be discussing something positive, like their hopes to start a business, but they also need to feel free to talk about their fears in relation to that too, or the conversation is incomplete and less authentic. When I worked in customer service, we always talked about pleasantries with customers. The weather, exciting upcoming plans or celebrations, compliments and well wishes. Those conversations left everyone feeling good momentarily, but rarely lasted more than 5 minutes and did not form any meaningful connections. While I had regulars who would rather line up for my smiley service than go to a faster less chatty server, the constant need to be cheerful really left me drained by the end of the day. What I really wanted to say was that my shoulder burned the way it always did after 10 hours of standing behind a checkout scanning people’s groceries, and my feet hurt, and I was hungry, if anyone cared. They didn’t. It wasn’t their job to care.
Talking about positive things is easy, but unless you delve into darker territory, I’m not convinced connections will form. Sure maybe you start by discussing your annoyance about the parking situation at the local shops, and your friend gets to see some of your unfiltered thoughts. The freer you feel to be your unfiltered self with someone, the closer you will feel to them. Added to that, you will feel like they truly know you, which adds meaning to your connection.
I don’t mean to be negative and draining. I don’t expect my friends to solve my problems, nor do I want it. I am perfectly capable of solving my own problems if I want them solved. I know I can’t solve a friends divorce issues any more than she can solve issues related to the special needs of my son. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t discuss these things and vent our emotions accordingly. If a friend doesn’t know what we are going through then how can they really be here for us?
Anyway, as I touched on earlier, the happy things aren’t always that interesting. I have a happy life, but it is generally uneventful. I spend a fair chunk of my time on my own writing, at appointments for my son during the week, and my husband works weekends, so I am busy entertaining the kids. Almost always by myself. My hobbies include reading and watching movies, having massages and facials, and getting my hair and nails done. These things bring me joy, but they aren’t fantastic as a means of conversation, are they? So if I am complaining about the service I received, or my struggles with something however big or small, to me, that is a symbol of trust in you and our friendship. That I trust you with how I feel and I feel safe to complain even though objectively I have a happy life with not much to complain about.
The question remains though, how can I stop this negativity from draining my friends…… Stay tuned next week to find out….
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
