Last week I posted about my tendency to dwell on the negatives and the impact this has had on some of my friends and subsequently, our friendships. Most other articles out there focus on how the depleted friend can handle the toxic energy from us negative nellies! So this week I wanted to write one for the pessimists and how you can navigate friendships with optimists, empaths, introverted introverts and or anyone you think maybe doesn’t like you that much even if you’re not sure why.
Step 1.
Before each meeting with a friend, think of 3 positive things you would like bring up in conversation. Doesn’t matter how big or small. Examples could be a fabulous cheesecake you tasted the other day, a great book you read or movie you saw, a happy story you read in a magazine, something you accomplished or a goal you are close to achieving, or anything that made you happy.
While I refuse to accept that we shouldn’t feel free to speak about the issues in our lives; the dark times, thoughts, feelings, frustrations, trials and tribulations, I actually think it is probably a good idea to make the conversations more balanced and apply mindfulness to being more positive.
Step 2.
Hear yourself speaking and pay attention to your audience. If your friend appears to be changing the subject, zoning out or becoming frustrated, redirect the conversation to them. Maybe they are having trouble listening because they have something they need to share? Or maybe you have complained about the same issue too many times, and your friend is tired of hearing it. Especially if you are not going to do anything to rectify things. Or maybe they just needed to keep it light today because they are stressed and can’t take anything more on board. The reason doesn’t matter as much as the solution.
Some of the best people in this world are empaths. These people absorb the energy of people around them. If the checkout girl was having a bad day and then someone pulled a finger sign at them in traffic and they walked past a homeless person on the way to meet you, they might already be emotionally exhausted by the time you meet up. Be sensitive to this and try not to add to their stress. Humour is always a good fallback option. If you don’t have anything positive to say, say something funny!
Step 3.
Shut up and listen. It’s the strangest thing sometimes. I don’t know how the dynamics of a relationship are set early on, but I definitely have friendships with defined roles. Some that I talk so much the other person can hardly get a word in edge ways, and others where I basically just listen, only uttering the odd phrase to reiterate that I am hearing my friend. If your friend seems unhappy with your dynamics, make efforts to change them. Encourage them to open up more by showing interest in their life, their hobbies, their thoughts and feelings. And if they can talk about the positive things and make meaningful and lasting conversation from it, take notes!
It’s important to be aware of our own shortcomings and take the feedback of our peers. It doesn’t make either of you right or wrong, or better or worse, just different. You both have things you could learn from one another.
Step 4.
Be aware of their circumstances. If your friend is planning her wedding, perhaps she’s not the best person to talk to incessantly about your divorce. Or if you are both online dating, but your inbox is flooded with more interest than you can handle, while hers is still empty, she’s probably not going to be able to be objectively sympathetic to your genuine stress. In some circumstances it may even feel as if you are actually gloating through your complaints. If your friend starts the conversation by sharing news of her big promotion – she is setting the tone for a celebration. That is not the time to complain about your hair dresser. If it’s not important, it can wait.
Minor example of different circumstances: I might say that I am annoyed that they changed the layout of the local supermarket, and my friend may quip that this is a good thing because it allows you to see all sorts of products you missed before. Circumstances dictate our perspective. I usually have 2 boisterous children running around with me when I do the shopping and I also spend a small fortune feeding us already. My son will only eat very specific products and foods and I knew where they were before. I don’t need new products as much as I need a streamlined shopping experience. My friend might be single and only shopping for herself, and she loves cooking and trying new recipes. Neither is wrong, because feelings aren’t facts. I may in time learn to love the new shop layout much better than before, but I am still allowed to be annoyed by the change just as she is allowed to be excited by it. Both are valid.
Step 5.
Acceptance. Some people aren’t happy unless they have something to complain about. Maybe that is me. Maybe that is because complaining has been an effective method of sharing that has fostered close relationships in my life and I like it that way. The negatives in life are interesting to me. That is ok. Other people aren’t happy unless they have measurable happiness in their life. My mother in law recently quipped how happy she was to get some time to work in the garden. Conversation and connection isn’t as important to her as getting happiness from nature and animals and spending time on her own. As she works long hours running her own business, she doesn’t get much free time, so spending it in the garden will make her happier than listening to me complain or than complaining to me ever will.
I will never be close with everyone I meet. Closeness looks and feels different for everyone, and I just have to accept people the way they are and hope they do the same for me. Some personality types just aren’t as compatible as others. Just because a friendship isn’t as close doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyable. Balance is everything. Positivity in someone’s negative moment can be just as damaging as negativity in a positive one, as explored in this article published online at www.purewow.com on 3rd September 2019 written by Carolyn Kuang-Chen Stanley, titled “There is such a thing as toxic positivity (and you might be guilty of it.)”
If you can foster ways to be more positive with people, perhaps you will find them even more enjoyable. Personally speaking, I do have some friendships whereby I don’t hear much from them unless things aren’t going well. It would certainly be good to rectify that by learning to be more positive and seek each other out for fun and not just connection and support.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
