Ok, so we all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect and it is totally ok to admit that you were wrong and you hurt someone. However there is an art to an apology, which makes it meaningful to the wronged party. So if you’ve screwed up, here’s the best thing you can do.
Step 1.
Don’t be angry. Calm down. A curious thing happens when someone is angry with us…. we often get angry in return. Let that pass then actually say the words I’m sorry. Repeat back to the person exactly what you are sorry about, so that they know that you understand where the hurt is coming from and you care enough to acknowledge what you have done. (Or haven’t done as the case may be. Or said, or didn’t say… you get my drift.) This process is about validating how someone feels about your words or actions and acknowledging the consequences for them. Just “I’m sorry.” Or “I’m sorry, but…” or even “I’m sorry you feel that way” usually wont suffice – as they don’t feel genuine, meaningful and like you really “get it!”
Step 2.
Don’t be defensive. If you must try and explain your behaviour, do not make excuses for it. Explain your reasons for acting as you did, without appearing to justify yourself. This can be extremely tricky to do, so take care here. Less is more. Remember this conversation isn’t about you, it’s about how your actions have hurt someone else. There may be time in the future to more calmly discuss this situation and everything that was happening for you. However asking someone to be understanding when they are still angry is usually asking for too much.
Step 3.
Do not blame the wronged party. We are all accountable for our own actions. Even if they provoked you in some way or there was something they did that you feel was worse than what you did, if you feel the relationship is worth saving, do not fight fire with fire. Water is usually most effective, and that means taking accountability for yourself. Accepting blame. We cannot force people to take accountability for themselves. Apologies have to be given sincerely, and under the circumstances, if someone is mad at you, even if they do owe you an apology too, if you come in with a defensive or attack approach, you’re unlikely to get it. I’ve written about that before on “Accepting an apology when you’re still mad.” Remember an apology isn’t something you are owed. It doesn’t work that way. If the person isn’t sorry then an apology is meaningless anyway. The point is, you did something wrong, you accept you’re at fault and you apologise.
Step 4.
Explain what you would like to see happen in the future. How you could face the issues differently, with this person, or with other people in the future. If you would like to salvage the friendship, then be clear about that, and offer suggestions as ways to move the friendship forwards if and when the other party is ready to do so. Failing that, if you’re stumped, ask them directly how you can make it up to them or what they need to see from you in the future.
Step 5
This step is important. It might be the hardest step…. Accept that sometimes sorry just isn’t enough. Forgiveness is something you can ask for, but not always something you can expect. You cannot control the outcome of this. The person might still be angry and hurt, and they may still end your friendship in extreme cases. It takes courage to be vulnerable in a moment where you stand to face hurt and rejection, but I promise you, if you apologise, you will always be able to look back and feel that at least you tried, and you handled things as best you could. Let’s be honest, poor choices got you here, so don’t follow it up with more poor choices. Don’t be mad if the person cannot accept your apology. Maybe they didn’t fully understand your perspective, or maybe it was too little too late. If it’s over then it’s over. Doesn’t mean it has to end badly. An apology as an ending is fairly gentle as far as endings go, right?
Step 6.
If the person cannot accept your apology, give it some time. Do not beg. Do not harass them and keep apologising. Once is enough. The ball is in their court, you have done all you can do. Perhaps when they have had some time to cool down and consider things they will contact you again. Work on being open to that in their absence, but don’t count on it either.
Step 7.
If the person accepts your apology but is still hurt, start small. Rebuilding trust takes time. You cannot bulldoze someone into forgiving you. If they bring it up, each time you can acknowledge the hurt you caused and have a conversation that allows each of you to elaborate on the reasons you behaved the way you have. In theory if you show you understand why the person was hurt, they may be open to understanding things from your perspective too. This is likely if they are interested in salvaging things. Do not get angry each time they bring it up, be open to discussing it until the person has healed. Show compassion. Prove to them with changed actions and consistency that you will not make the same mistake twice if you get the chance.
Step 8.
Forgive yourself. Although you upset someone else, ultimately it is not their forgiveness you will need moving forwards. Sure, it might be nice, but it isn’t as essential as forgiving yourself. As I said in the beginning of this post, nobody is perfect. Good people make bad choices sometimes. People get hurt. Explore the reasons why you acted the way you did, and reflect on ways you could better act in future. Don’t focus on what the other person did to you, even if they did hurt you, focus on how you can be better. Not for them, but for yourself. Most of us don’t want to hurt others, so it is upsetting when we do.
Apologising tends to evoke shame in many of us. As though we are admitting to being a bad person instead of making a bad choice. Ironically the closer we feel to someone, the harder it can be to apologise. This is because we care so much what they think of us, so admitting we let them down can be like admitting we don’t care. The truth is, if you care, you will apologise. People actually think more of a person who can apologise than those who can’t.
The more practice you get at apologising, the easier it will become and the better you will feel about your relationships and yourself. To quote my obscure music again… Jason Donovan ‘Question of Pride’
“Don’t let your pride, stop you from saying sorry. Remember in time, there’s 2 sides to every story.”
Step 9.
Stay strong. Keep smiling and know that you will be ok whatever happens. Let it go. See what happens.
Step 10.
Talk to someone you trust. A friend, a teacher, a parent, a colleague, or psychologist who can help you validate yourself too. Apologising to someone doesn’t always mean they were right even if it means you were wrong. Seeking support is important no matter what side of the equation you find yourself on. You need people around you to remind you that they still see the good in you, even if you made mistakes or exercised poor judgement.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
