The other night, a friend popped in, crawled into bed beside me, curled up and cried as I held her. While I was obviously sad for my friend, and eager to talk out what was upsetting her, I was also happy to be someone she felt safe enough to turn to. It served as yet another bonding moment between us, strengthening our connection. After my friend left though, it left me pondering the thought that perhaps I struggle with vulnerability in my friendships.
Not many of my friends have seen me cry. Even my therapist has only seen it a few times and noted that it appears to make me exceptionally uncomfortable. I suspect being a victim of bullying from a young age has contributed to my strong poker face, added with the sarcastic household in which I was raised. My thick skin helped me survive at time when I felt different and unable to express my emotions for fear of harassment or an untimely “outing”. Lol
However, clearly I am no longer in that situation and perhaps habits collected back then are no longer healthy or serving me, or my friendships, well. Am I still holding on to the belief that my tears will cause my peers a great deal of satisfaction? That they would take pleasure in hurting or humiliating me? If I am, then I need to either take a closer look at who I am surrounding myself with, or, more likely, why I am still keeping people at an emotional distance and not letting them know all of me.
As another friendship recently came to a close, I was able to reflect that while I am comfortable with expressing vulnerability in a positive light, vulnerability in a negative one is something I will hide from at all costs. Example: I have no problem approaching people for friendship. I am unafraid to put myself out there, to express that I like someone, even though there is a big chance that they wont feel the same way in return. However if someone has angered me or hurt me, I am fast to shut down and close off to that person rather than be vulnerable and express my feelings. It’s an extreme version of “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”
I hadn’t really stopped to fully contemplate that this sudden silence from me was considered icy cold and hurtful to the other party. This appears to be true regardless of if we have discussed the need for space or not. The one thing I do know about feelings is that they pass. So waiting until the extreme feelings pass before I act, seems logical. Unfortunately sometimes it can take months for that to happen. While I may soften in that time, and be ready to let go of the hurt and continue on, the other person’s hurt and anger have probably been building during that same time.
Having just recaptured a bunch of music from my youth, that my husband refers to as obscure, although I disagree, I was thrilled to turn up the volume on my “Ace Of Base” album in the car. When the song “Don’t Turn Around” came on it stood out to me and I knew I had to post about it here. You can listen to the song on this link, however I also wanted to capture some of the lyrics for those of you who agree with my husband and have no interest in listening to the song.
“If you want to leave
I won't beg you to stay
And if you gotta go darling
Maybe it's better that way
I'm gonna be strong
I'm gonna do fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just walk out that door
See if I care
Go on and go now but
Don't turn around
'Cause you're gonna see my heart breaking
Don't turn around
I don't want you seeing me cry
Just walk away
It's tearing me apart
That you're leaving
I'm letting you go
But I won't let you know…”
So much of this relates to my experiences. I have a rule that I will not chase people or beg them to stay in my life, so some of those lines really resonate. “If you want to leave, I wont beg you to stay. If you gotta go darling, maybe it’s better that way.” The minute I perceive someone no longer wants to be in my life, I will walk away. I do this because talking about it has never made one iota of difference. Talking about it has always resulted in one of 2 things.
1. The person denies there is any issue. They may list off a host of reasons for their sudden unavailability or lack of interest in engaging, or just deny it all together. Either way this feels a lot like a mild form of “gaslighting” whereby the other person makes you question your perception or denies reality. They tell you everything is fine when you can feel that everything is not fine. Or….
2. They tell you there is a problem. You try to talk it out, but it ends up as a slinging match, both parties are defensive and words are used as weapons. Most times this is unrecoverable. I assume this is because emotions are still running high on both ends.
I have had success in my previous encounters by allowing enough space to pass that you just miss each other. That it doesn’t matter anymore and you basically start again, and grow a new friendship. Clearly that doesn’t always happen though if one person is healing while the other is hurting. That’s where “If you gotta go darling, maybe it’s better that way” comes in. Because “I’m gonna be strong, I’m gonna be fine” is basically the premise of this blog. I’m going to be fine and you are too. And so are they. It isn’t as urgent as it feels.
The part that really perturbs me though is “See if I care, go on and go now….” Because I do care. And I have to acknowledge that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference, so my attitude may well be causing the very endings I am trying to avoid. See if I care…. That’s where the vulnerability comes in. I care. I care so much. I have accepted that people will leave and that it hurts, and I struggle with having the vulnerability to face that pain.
Which brings me nicely to the last part. “Don’t turn around, I don’t want you seeing me cry, just walk away; it’s tearing me apart that you’re leaving…. I’m letting you go, but I won’t let you know.” I go cold and quiet because I’m hurting and I haven’t found the bravery in me to put my pride aside and say that I am hurting. I feel this is because I think I already know the outcome, that more hurtful words will be spoken leading to yet another nasty heartbreak and I’d rather just walk away and not have that conversation.
In this instance at least, I was able to articulate directly, offer my friend some reasons, accept accountability and apologise. Sure, it didn’t change the outcome, the friendship still ended, but I think we both feel ok with the outcome. That is progress.
I still have a ways to go, but I am pleased I have learned to be more direct, to acknowledge that my space was painful and apologise for it. (More on apologies next week.) Next step is to be more direct before the space perhaps. And to allow my friends to see my pain as it happens….. even if they don’t care. Because my hurt matters just as much as theirs and my friendships could be richer if I allow them to support me the same ways I support them. While they last anyway! Lol
I guess I am learning that friendships end. All the time. Which is totally ok even if it is heartbreaking. I cannot avoid it no matter what I do, so what I must do is learn to get way better at endings instead of hiding from them. I may even get some new beginnings. Who Knows!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
