We all need space from time to time. Either in general or from one person specifically. When it is the latter, this often comes after an intense period of closeness which may be considered “too close for comfort,” or from a fall out of some description.
I know I have used “space” in the past to avoid conflict and hope it would go away. To feel my anger, hurt and sadness until they pass to the point that I just miss that person and want to see them again. To process whatever did, or even did not happen and how I feel about it, how I choose to view it, and if I can justify it somehow for myself. It might not sound great on paper, but honestly it works a lot of the time.
I have also been on the receiving end of the space, taken by a friend, for reasons I will probably never know. It’s a funny thing though, this silence from people is felt, it screams loudly, although is generally not acknowledged. You know you are on the receiving end of space, when you are justifying to yourself how someone else spends their time, and what else they have going on right now.
Example “Jayne didn’t call this week, that’s odd. I usually always hear from her. Did I say or do something upsetting last time we spoke? No, I am sure she is just busy, she did have that triathlon coming up so she is probably just training and focussing on that? I hope I haven’t upset her?!..... Then Jayne finally calls and either neither of you mention her hiatus, or alternatively, Jayne says “I’m sorry I didn’t call last week, I have been so busy.” You smile and say casually “That’s ok, I was also really busy last week!” (Busy trying to figure out if Jayne was mad at you! Without asking her of course!)
Things like this happen all the time. Jayne took a break to calm herself and then it all blew over nicely. Unless, this happens, on either end so frequently that one of you decides to label the space, and asks to take a break from your friendship, by taking some space from each other. Then it is usually pretty clear that there is an issue, even if one of you doesn’t exactly know what it is.
If one of you has asked to take some space from the other, it is highly likely a palpable and prolonged silence will ensue. And even if feelings do resolve, this silence can become incredibly difficult to overcome. Someone has to go first. Who goes first and what do they say? Going back to my example, if Jayne asked me for space, I wont feel welcome to reach out to Jayne. That disrespects her request, and assumes she is ready at the same point as me. However if Jayne has asked for space, she too may find it difficult to reach out. Should she apologise for taking space although she believes you did something to warrant it? Does Jayne even want the space to end?
And that is where the lines get blurry between taking a break, and breaking up. This can be true if you talk about it or not. Sometimes these breaks that become break ups are completely unspoken and you might not realise until you are quite a way into it that it is even happening. If you only ever spoke to Jayne once a month, you could be 3 months in to her silence before you hear it, but once you do hear it, it quickly becomes all you can hear. Even if you reach out yourself in this instance, an un-returned phone call or ignored message is not easily forgotten.
Even if the feeling is mutual, on some level you are aware that you are fading out of one another’s lives, or actively letting go of someone who is leaving just by saying nothing of their absence.
So how do you know if your friendship is on a break, or broken? The truth is, that if nobody says anything, then that is when a break becomes a break up. One of you has to have the courage to reach out. If you’re reading this article, then that person is probably you! Sorry! Lol
If the friendship is worth it to you, then you will have to say something and risk rejection. What you say is up to you, and depends on yourself and your friendship. While it has been known to work if both people want it enough, just resuming talking as if nothing ever happened is a risky manoeuvre. It is better pulled off face to face if you happen to spontaneously meet somewhere. However addressing the issue is also not without its risks. It could cause the issue and feelings to resurface, or ultimately your friend could continue ignoring you or officially end the friendship.
As someone who has taken space, had space taken, had friendships survive and had them fail, all I can tell you is that you cannot control the outcome of this. Either your friend wants to continue the relationship or she doesn’t. There is only one way to find out, and if you are googling it, then it is an answer you seek. If your friendship is worth it, you have to say something and show your friend she is worth the risk regardless of who initiated space or why.
If you’re hoping your break doesn’t become a break UP, then you have to break the silence. Ice breaking suggestions include, from least risky to most, sending a cute or funny meme, sending a message saying “thinking of you” or “hi, how are you?” sending flowers and an apology, even if it is just the word sorry. Suggesting an activity to do together, calling and asking directly if you can talk (make sure some space has passed to respect their request for time to process their thoughts and feelings) or showing up to their place and asking to hug it out because you can’t live without them one second longer.
I have learned that if you don’t want to lose someone, you have to let them know, because if you don’t then it feels a lot to them like letting go! (To be clear if they reject your advances, letting go is the only option, but you can do so with peace in your heart that you tried.)
GOOD LUCK!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
