So, first of all, if you are reading this article, that’s not a great sign! Guilty as charged?! Haha Secondly it feels important to note that emotional affairs happen irrespective of gender and sexuality. So what are the signs?
1. Your partner feels jealous or excluded by your friendship, or alternatively, probably would if your friend was the opposite gender.
While they can and do occur between men and women, they can equally occur between 2 men or 2 women even if neither of you have same sex inclinations. A pretty good test is to imagine your friend as the gender you are attracted to. For example if you are a heterosexual woman who has a best female friend, would your same friendship cross emotional lines if that friend was a male? Would your partner be uncomfortable with it? If the answer is yes, then that is the first sign!!
2. You prefer the company of your friend.
Ok, so girls night out is way more fun than staying in with your partner and the kids watching another reality tv show. Fair enough, nobody is debating it. But if you have one friend in particular that you consistently would rather be spending time with, then you are pushing the limits. If you are always on the phone to this one person while your partner is waiting for your attention, or this is the first person you think of to try new and exciting things with, you could have a problem.
3. You share exclusive secrets with your friend that your partner should know.
Some things, like your best friends relationship problems are not your place to discuss with your partner, and that is ok. Not all secrets are bad. Similarly, we all need someone to vent to, so even if you have complained about your partner’s snoring even though you tell your partner it doesn’t bother you, I will let you pass. However, if you are sharing things with your friend that you think your partner should know, then you are in dangerous territory. If there are serious issues you, your significant other, your family or your relationship are facing, the best person to be talking to is the one it concerns. If you feel you cannot express yourself as freely with your partner, then you need to ask yourself why that is and if it is possible to increase the vulnerability in your relationship if you want it to last.
4. You exaggerate your problems with your partner to your friend.
It is well established that supporting friends through hardships can bring us closer. However if you find yourself bad mouthing your partner and exaggerating issues as a way to create intimacy and feel closer or more exclusive with your friend this is a red flag. Similarly, if you feel jealous of your friend’s partner or other friends and family they spend time with, you have to ask yourself if you are in fact harbouring a secret crush or indulging in a fantasy relationship with them.
5. You flirt with your friend or are actually attracted to them.
Many people call it harmless banter, but if you flirt with your friend, you have to ask yourself why? Especially if your dynamic with your partner isn’t flirty. If you love to flirt so much, why not try bringing some of that energy to the right place. If you and your friend have your own codes, languages and jokes that your partner isn’t “in on” then this is probably crossing a boundary. If you are more physically close to them than your partner would feel comfortable with, or joke that one day you will run off together, you are probably on thin ice.
At the end of the day, I can’t tell you if you are having an emotional affair, however if you suspect you are, or your partner feels that you are, then you probably are. I know you simply adore your friend, they make your world better and you couldn’t imagine life without them! The good news is, that you don’t have to! The problem isn’t with your friendship. If you put more energy into bringing some of that spark and life back into your relationship instead of escaping it or moaning about it to your friend, you might find you have double the reasons to be excited.
You don’t have to include your partner in your friendship. I am a big believer in separate friends, but if your partner feels you like them every bit as much as your friend, then that will go a very long way, and being able to have fun and open up at home will not necessarily detract from your friendships either. Friendships and relationships can co-exist, and if they can’t you may have to ask yourself which is more important? (Hint: There is no right answer to that, only you know what is right for you.)
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
