In keeping with the general theme of love languages from last week, I wanted to explore my need for quality time and how I go about meeting that need. Last week I touched on this and how I am not shy about being proactive. My friends tend to consider me the social secretary, the one who organises things, books things and is always looking for the next event we can do to share time and space together.
I have one friend who loves a good cocktail, so I keep an eye out for special cocktails we can try, and suggest a night for a few drinks. Another friend enjoys day spa’s so I keep an eye on groupon for any deals we could take advantage of. For my friend who likes trivia, I suggest quiz nights and if my friend is into Bingo I will look for the high roller events and bogan bingo nights for example. This is one of the ways I show them love, by reaching out and asking for their time. Showing them I know their interests and I am wanting to enjoy something with them that they will love. Booking tickets, or venues or planning the details like bringing snacks or researching what is nearby to eat afterwards.
I show them that I pay attention to the personal details, as a way of caring. If you are vegan, I will bring vegan friendly snacks, and research the best vegan places to go, If you only drink vodka, then you can guarantee I will always have vodka on hand for you. If you have diabetes, I will always carry jellybeans in my bag in case you need them. I try to make it as comfortable and easy for my friends to meet my need for quality time, so that all they have to do is remember and show up.
A few words of affirmation don’t go astray, but honestly if we both enjoy the experience then that keeps my love bank pretty full. And for the most part I don’t mind being the planner of the events. As I prefer to catch up with my friends’ one on one, doing the planning allows me the freedom to book multiple things that don’t clash with other plans. However, a rejection of my plans can feel like a personal rejection, and if you forget the plans I have made for us, I will be hurt.
I know this from experience, and I have to wonder if I am making it too easy for my friends, because they do seem to increasingly forget. As any secretary or assistant knows planning ahead is vital, and I do plan ahead. The problem seems to be that people commit to something in a month’s time without much hesitation because they can hardly see beyond the week. However when that reminder comes in a few days prior, it isn’t uncommon to hear “Oh, I’m so sorry, I totally forgot about this.” They may or may not be able to make it. Sometimes if they do show up, I am made to feel like they did me a massive favour by moving things around to be there, and other times it feels pretty clear that being there is actually a massive inconvenience. If they don’t just cancel altogether.
If my friends had more involvement in the planning, then perhaps they would have more investment in attending. If they made the reservation for example, they may be more likely to remember, or of they purchased the tickets they’d have a financial reminder. As it stands I do tend to feel unimportant and like an annoying fly trying to pin people down, despite the amount of effort I have gone to in order to try and make it happen in the first place and something they themselves would find interesting, even if I wouldn’t particularly.
The other con to my strategy is that if I don’t suggest anything, neither do my friends. It is assumed I will be the one doing the planning. While I am aware that I put myself in that position, I do feel every so often it would be nice for someone to suggest something with me for a change that they thought I might like. As a way to express love to me. Because at the end of the day, we tend to give love the ways in which we want to receive it, instead of how the other person feels it.
While I am busy planning events that perhaps my friends feel they just don’t have the time, energy or finances for, I am draining them, when all they really want from me might be a compliment, a token gift or a hug. As discussed previously it is almost always an act of service. They might be feeling like they don’t have time to attend a comedy night even if it is free, but if I could pick up their child from school, that would actually help them and show I care?
I need to work on my ability to give love via acts of service, I know this, but I think my friends also need to work on showing love via thoughtfulness, planning ahead and suggesting something for me for a change. If you have a planner friend, take it from me, it would probably mean the world to her if you reached out with a suggestion of something you felt she would enjoy. And you went to all the effort so all she had to do was show up and enjoy. Remember the details!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
