Welcome to 2024 readers! Thanks for sticking with me! In true new years style, I wanted to make 10 new years friesolutions to be a better friend this year. Who is with me? Friesolutions are just like normal resolutions but they revolve around our friends and the ways we relate to them on a day to day basis.
1. Active listening
I wanted to start with active listening because I have to admit that I caught myself a few times last year waiting for an opening to speak, thinking about speaking instead of really listening to what my friends were sharing with me. I noticed a few occasions where I had forgotten an important appointment or celebration in their lives and once reminded I felt terrible about having not remembered to follow up on this detail and leaving people I care about feeling uncared for.
2. Staying Present
This one is an obvious follow on from the last, because with technology like the smart watch, it is so hard to stay present with people and not get distracted by the notifications constantly pinging away at my wrist. At times these completely draw my mental energy away from the person I am with and I tune out and lose track of conversations that have been at times meaningful or important and my lack of attention makes us both lose momentum and it becomes a missed opportunity for connection.
3. Don’t Take Things Personally
This has been one I have struggled with, despite it basically being the whole point of the blog. People get busy. They read your message and then forget to reply sometimes. People have other responsibilities and other demands on their time and their mind, and it isn’t realistic to expect to always be a priority for everyone. People have other relationships and as a good friend we should support and allow room for these other relationships to grow and flourish with our friend just as our own did.
4. Be Patient and Forgiving
This one comes after not taking things personally, because sometimes things are personal and we do get hurt. There are only so many unanswered messages a person can send before feeling rejected, or sometimes our friends do let us down more directly. So it is important to keep in mind your own imperfections and show your friends some grace when they mess up. If you would hope they would show you patience and understanding when you mess up and accidentally let them down, you have to be willing to do the same for your friend in return. Which brings us nicely to our next point.
5. Maintain Positive Regard
Sometimes after you feel rejected or hurt in some way, it changes the way you see that person. In extreme cases it can have you rewriting your entire narrative of the friendship in the past and questioning if that person was ever really your friend to begin with. This can happen when we lose positive regard for someone, and fail to remember that their intentions probably weren’t to hurt us, even if they clearly acted in ways that would. You have to be willing to look at the bigger picture, and see if you can understand what they were going through and what their motivations may have been to act in less than positive ways, even if they clearly weren’t thinking of how the consequences of their actions would impact you. It doesn’t always mean they didn’t care about you even if it meant they cared about something else more. Humans are selfish by nature sometimes.
6. Spend More Time Talking.
In a digital world, I feel the amount of in person quality time spent with my friends has decreased, and sometimes it is easy not to notice, because you have seen their updates on social media, or you have sent a few messages here and there. But there is nothing like seeing your people in the flesh and doing something fun together. Really looking into their eyes and talking about life and the things that matter, hugging and actually making time for them. But when you can’t always do that, talk on the phone! I know that sounds crazy to most of us these days who get anxiety when the phone rings and would rather text. But talking on the phone keeps you connected in ways messaging can’t, unless you both have time for long time consuming message chats. Many do not have the luxury of time. Plus, things like tone and laughter are lost over messages.
7. Match Their Investment.
If someone doesn’t seem all that interested in making a connection with you, that doesn’t have to be a problem or a mystery to be solved. It is ok to keep things casual and let them evolve, or not evolve into something deeper. You don’t need to prove your worth to someone who seems less than interested in being your friend, and you don’t have to dislike them as a result. It is ok to be polite to people, and allow them the freedom to form their own opinions and judgements of you. Chasing people who aren’t all that interested will only make you both feel worse.
8. Swim With The Current, Not Against It. Resistance Is Futile!
This is one of my biggest struggles with friendships. People flow into your life and the connection is wonderful and secure and close, and you can easily get attached and never want it to change. But inevitably your life, or theirs, will likely at some point deviate and create distance between you. Holding on is futile and a waste of energy. You have to learn to allow them space to go on their own path, no mater how far from yours it takes them. It doesn’t mean you wont or can’t still be close, you can, as long as you find ways to accept the changes and get around them instead of sulking that things aren’t the same. Which I am prone to if I’m being honest. Lol
9. Be More Authentic and Vulnerable.
Some of my closest friends and I love to laugh. And this is a way to get close to people I haven’t always seen the value in, in my past. However, I have noticed a tendency in these friendships in particular to laugh off things that aren’t necessarily funny because it feels a bit scary to say if something has upset you or you have something more serious to share. I have friends who prefer to be strong and stoic and perhaps see crying for example as a weakness. I have friends who feel safer connecting on negatives than positives. And sometimes it doesn’t feel authentic when I agree with them for the sake of being accepted, when in reality I know they accept me as I am. Or maybe they would if I was actually being who I am instead of being who I think they want me to be.
10. Know Yourself So Others Can Know You.
Perhaps sometimes we aren’t completely authentic because we don’t know ourselves well enough. So we might not know how we feel about the latest election campaign for example and end up kind of adopting our friends views and going along with them even if it feels a little uncomfortable. Or we might always do whatever they want to do, because we actually don’t know what it is we’d like to do, even if there is resentment building that everything is on their terms or a niggling feeling that you don’t actually really always enjoy doing the things they like to do. It is ok to take up space, make requests for time or activities that you enjoy. But you have to know what your needs are, in order to have them met.
These are my 10 new years friesolutions, do you have any to add? Whatever your resolutions are, or even if you don’t have any, I hope 2024 is your best year yet. Happy New Year Folks! Welcome to infinity and beyond! Can’t wait to see what the year has in store for us all!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
