I have a friend who is actively looking to increase her social circle, which she noted had become quite small somehow over the years. She put this down to some turbulence in her somewhat recent past, however now that is passed and her life is more stable and settled, she is ready to rebuild and renew herself.
Regardless of their reasons, I encourage people to be more mindful and aware and active in their pursuit of friendships, to take stock of past patterns and influences in your life and to aim to be better. To be more open and to invite more people into your world, in gentle, warm and welcoming ways.
Typically all it takes is a bit of effort to reach out and show interest, and then the other party has the option to reciprocate or politely decline. However, what my friend is finding, in her experiences of reaching out to people in a bid for friendly conversation is that the response is neither positive, nor negative. Instead it sits in warm, neutral territory, which is somewhat confusing.
Naturally, friendships evolve. I don’t think you can just start messaging someone on social media and immediately think you have found a friend. On the other hand, you can usually tell if that interest in connecting and conversing is mutual, and most people who are disinterested may just leave you on read and not respond at all, but it can be harder to read responses that are warm, but not welcoming.
What I mean by this, is that the person in question may answer your message, addressing the points you raised, but not leave much room for you to respond in turn. They might thank you for the compliment you offered as a gateway into conversation and mention the happenings at your mutual workplace or church or place of study, but not ask you any follow up questions or introduce new topics of conversation for you to continue on with.
My friend had reached out to someone in her church community, someone on the same volunteer roster as her. This person had really performed well in the task and was a Facebook friend of my friend, however they hadn’t really ever actually talked in person. My friend saw this as a person with potential common interests, values and beliefs and someone with whom a connection may authentically grow if she planted the seed.
As they had never spoken in person before, she decided to message this person first, as it felt less confrontational and intrusive, and because my friend does suffer from anxiety sometimes, online is the way she feels more comfortable connecting first. Before her and I met, she asked for an email correspondence from me, to get a feel for our connection. It is just how she is. Must be that inner writer in her.
Anyway, my friend messaged to say she had been impressed with this person’s performance recently, and apologized that they had never got the chance to interact in person yet, with them both always being busy with their respective duties, but she wanted to reach out and let this person know they have not gone unnoticed nor unappreciated within the team. She then offered a personal tidbit about a hobby/side hustle of hers, in the hopes that the other person would take the social cue and follow up with a question about said hobby. She signed off to have a good week and she would see them at church again soon.
The person read and responded to the message in a timely manner and agreed that things get so hectic during volunteering that nobody has much time for general chit chat and thanked my friend for taking the time to reach out. She said she appreciated the words of encouragement and it was nice to know people were paying attention. And she signed off telling my friend to also have a good week. So my friend was left questioning if she should bother approaching this person or if the lack of questions or further space for conversation was a polite rejection. She wondered if she should have mentioned any of the interests of the person that she has seen on social media, or if that would seem nosey or intrusive, given that the information had never been offered to her directly from the other churchgoer.
And I couldn’t help but wonder if this is the pitfall of messaging and online communication. It seems unlikely to me that had my friend approached this other member in person and said the exact things that she messaged about, the person in question would not have commented on her interesting hobby. And if she had, that opens up more avenues of sharing and opportunities for connection. But in an online world, people don’t feel as awkward about skipping over things and don’t necessarily put in the effort.
I told my friend it is possible this person isn’t really interested in a connection, however not to give up just yet. To be brave, introduce yourself in person now that you have conversed online and ask an open-ended question, that is still not too invasive or forceful, such as asking how long they have been a member at said church.
Sometimes it is just easier to tell in person how interested someone is or isn’t, as you can read body language and hear tone of voice and facial expressions. But then again, due to social conventions, maybe in person they are forced to be more polite. So my theory is once you have reached out online, then tried again in person, continue to be friendly to the prospective new friend, but not pushy. Be cordial and say hello on passing etc…, but let them make the next move. Give them the space to approach you and reciprocate the effort. If they do not, you have your answer.
And that’s ok! It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t like you if they don’t appear to be interested in connecting with you further on a more personal level, they might not have time in their lives for new friends, might be going through something or just don’t think you have enough in common to sustain a connection. You don’t need to know the reasons why or fixate on it. But what should you do instead?
Keep on being warm and friendly and welcoming to others and see who is reciprocating! Grow small talk slowly and don’t overshare, don’t pressure people or come across as desperate, as this will only make them suspicious of your intentions. Give people 2 or 3 chances to reciprocate incase they are shy or were uncertain about your own desires for connection, and if they don’t take the bait, politely move on.
Before you know it, your welcome mat will be dirty from all the new comers, but it does take time and patience. Practice makes perfect….
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
