One of my better blogs was about friendships in the media and all the ways that the messaging we receive from media damages our expectations of friendships. It starts with fairytales as children and then the magic is diluted somewhat into less obvious but equally unattainable expectations of friendships. Think of any classic tv series featuring friendships, for example the 90’s classics “friends” and it will paint a picture of an idyllic group of friends who base their lives around each other, and seem to have no real other relationships or responsibilities outside the group.
Although on some level, we know this is a fantasy, somehow it still sticks as some unattainable goalpost for our friendships that always leaves our real life friendships falling short. Not only this, but both media and fairytales lead us to believe that friendships are forever, always have a happy ending and never face any real hardships that can’t be resolved in an episode. Reality is very different.
This means that we are ill equipped to deal with the harsh realities of friendship fall outs, and have no real examples of what it takes to maintain or repair relationships of a platonic nature that have soured. For example, a whole series may be dedicated to one married or romantic couple and the trials and tribulations they face over the course of their relationship. We see real and relatable examples of all the things that could threaten the couple’s relationship and all the ways in which we might try to navigate these things in order to reconcile. Without such strong examples for friendships, and without monogamy, the solution to fractured friendships is all too often just to remove and replace the relationship in question.
Friendships sit in the grey areas of society, being basically the only relationship that is completely free of legal ties, responsibilities or formalities, and so the only one really based and dependent fully on love and commitment. Isn’t that ironic. The lack of formal structure can make it hard to mark milestones or celebrate friendships, which can, I feel, dampen their importance. Without that first date, despite the fact that you definitely had one, dressed up for it and were nervous about it, the significance of the anniversary often passes unmarked. Similarly there is a lack of progression milestones, like getting engaged, married, buying a property or having kids. Friendships do grow, but in less culturally shared and significant ways which makes them appear stagnant.
I posted just recently about the newer concept of friendship counselling and even found myself reluctant to be open to the idea, despite the fact that I agree friendships are relationships and do go through rough patches. I believe people often struggle to save marriages they should leave and walk away too easily from friendships they should save. Yet, societally this seems to make sense.
All of it adds up to the reasons why friendships are the last tier of relationships and the first ones to fall from the priority list the minute people get too busy. Is it any wonder so many friendships fail without the time and attention they deserve? Would anyone expect a marriage to last if you only spent an hour with your spouse 2 times a year and spoke to them once a month in a short string of messages? Would it be acceptable to just call your spouse toxic because they asked more of you than you felt you had to offer? Would people encourage you to just walk away without even trying to repair and reconcile? I doubt it. The idea is almost as laughable as friendship counselling.
Fairytales and fables have their place as fiction of course, but what we really need is true demonstrations of imperfect friendships. Of the ways in which friendships can ebb and flow over time. The ways in which friendships grow together, grow apart, grow stronger, weaken and fracture. Of friendships that are rocky, as a normal, not just as a once off fight over something petty, but that depict 2 people who are committed to being there for one another, and staying there for one another even when it’s hard.
These depictions don’t need to be life partnerships, although these are valid relationships and do deserve representation. What I would like to see if the depiction of 2 friends, supporting each other through their everyday lives that include other important relationships, young children, elderly family members, illnesses, deaths, promotions, financial inequality, careers and how all these stressors can and do impact friendships. How lack of time and resources can push people apart. About how easily busyness can be misconstrued and miscommunications easily result. How not prioritizing the bonds impacts them, and yet how they work through these issues constantly and consistently, because they love and value each other despite it all.
Just as relationships do, friendships face jealousies, insecurities, lack of presence even when technically present, neglect, hurts, anger, disappointments, sadness, thin ice and all the other negatives that are experienced in romantic relationships. And they are often more difficult to navigate as we don’t have the language, or the references of how to deal with these. We aren’t even taught to expect difficulties. The general consensus, particularly when it comes to female friendships, is that it’s all romance and roses. Or more so giggles and gossip. Wine and whining. Drinks and dancing. Love and Laughter.
A healthy friendship should have all of these positives, but just as with any real relationships, you can’t have the good without the bad. The last ways in which friendships are not fairytales, is that they do end. They do not always live happily ever after any more than most marriages. And not only do they end, they can end just as messily and painfully and nastily at times. They can be toxic. And sometimes the right thing is to end them. And yes, your heart will still break, because if your friendship was true, then you loved each other and you lose that love. You lose a part of yourself. It hurts.
So just because I want to see depictions of friendships in their raw imperfection, and I want to see people fighting against each other and then for each other, doesn’t mean I think we should stay in friendships that just are bad for us, or abusive, any more than I would want to see that in any other form of relationship. I just want these 3 myths busted. Friendships are always happy and easy. Myth. Friendships are disposable and easily replaced. Myth. Friendships are fairytales. Myth.
Friendships are not fairytales. But they are love stories all the same.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
