During my recent falling out with a close friend, when we let silence permeate between us for a week, I was left pondering the question; do we actually like each other? More pointedly, this pervasive feeling that my friend really didn’t like me plagued me. Why would she stay friends with someone she actually didn’t like, I wondered.
Ruminating on the issue, I couldn’t ignore the fact that in my own circle of friendship there are friends I like maybe more than others. As I don’t keep too many friends, all of my friendships tend to be relatively close, but there were definitely friends who I had conflicting love hate feelings for. Where was the like? And if I didn’t like them, why on earth were we still friends?
I couldn’t really answer this in a black and white way as I had hoped. If I could understand my own motivations, maybe I would better understand those of my friend who I worried didn’t like me. What I did uncover was that there were aspects to some people that I don’t like or don’t trust or don’t feel comfortable with. Someone that speaks poorly of their other friends behind their backs. Someone who was very nice to me, but was sometimes rude to wait staff, or someone who has some controlling or manipulative tendencies. Someone who has wildly different values than my own.
So the outcome was that people are not perfect, of course! And there may be traits in everyone that we dislike, even if we do like them overall. And sometimes the things you don’t like are actually good things. Maybe you have a friend that is too nice, or a friend who is a bit uptight because they have strong morals and values, or a friends who is a bit tight with money because they stick to a budget at all costs. None of these things make a person toxic or bad friend material, they are just small aspects of our friend that make up a bigger picture of who they are.
It stood to reason therefore that there ARE definitely things about me that my friends don’t like, including the friend I was currently having issues with. I had to be ok with that and hope that the things she did like about me would outweigh the things she didn’t, although our ugly interaction wasn’t doing me any favours! Which is when I knew I needed to apologise. As much as from myself as for her and our friendship. If I was being honest with myself, the things I didn’t like about her had started becoming a focal point for me over the last few months and it wasn’t healthy or helpful to let my thoughts convince me that my feelings were facts.
Positive regard is a really big part of friendship, and trusting that your friends have positive regard for you in return is equally important. So when you find yourself starting to focus so heavily on the less desirable qualities of your friends, or start to hear negative messages from their actions, it is quite easy to lose that “like” aspect of your relationship even if you do actually love them. It is easy to overlook all the positive aspects of your connection and start delving into dark places.
Interestingly for me, I find I can accept that many of my friends have qualities that I don’t find particularly endearing, but yet when I thought they were aware of my own faults I wasn’t so keen to admit that I too am a flawed individual and trust that they would still like me enough to continue our friendship. Any inkling that my friends were pulling back, or speaking to me with a tone, or not engaging as they usually would had me swimming in insecurity and had me feeling defensive about all my more positive qualities and ruminating on all the ways they had upset me over the years.
But the truth is, 9 times out of 10, when a friend is a little distant or distracted, it isn’t about us. It is about them, and what events in their own lives are floating around in their minds and it is unkind of me to not allow them more grace and trust, whilst jumping to conclusions that they don’t like me. It bothers me that I still struggle with this at times, because of course a friend should be granted the benefit of the doubt and the freedom and space to live their own life, get caught up in their own dramas and the privacy not to always feel they have to explain to you what is happening in their life so that you don’t take it personally.
However, just the same as “feelings are NOT facts” “Facts are NOT feelings either.” So how do you validate your feelings while keeping a clear mind about the facts and reality of the situation when “perception is reality?” I think the answer to that is to make sure we are always questioning our perceptions of people and situations and that while if you feel a certain way about a friend or a situation, that is ok and valid. You do have a point. However nothing is one dimensional.
So yes, it is ok to be a little hurt or sad or annoyed about whatever has happened, and you don’t have to pretend you haven’t felt those feelings. Feel them. Don’t react to them or allow them to control your mind, just give them the oxygen they need to burn themselves out. Then look a little deeper into the situation, allow some time, perspective and remind yourself what you love about your friend, and what they love about you. Challenge negative thoughts like “she used me as plans for a last resort so she didn’t have to be home alone” to “it’s a shame her plans fell through but I am so happy she thought of me to spend time with instead.”
If you are struggling with a friend and the aspects of them that you find less appealing, remind yourself of why you are friends, all the good times you have together and the needs of yours that are met by the friendship and ways to build upon that connection. Ask yourself if you are allowing your negative thoughts to take control and paint your friend as an evil villain, when in reality nobody is all good nor all bad. Ask yourself how you would feel if one of your friends always chose to see or hear the negative in you?
The chances are high, that if someone is your friend, then YES, you DO like them. And YES, they DO like you too! Always? Probably not. Even if you don’t like every single thing about each other. Even if you annoy one another, or there are times when you actively dislike each other due to hurts and resentments and slights. Overall friendship is that positive regard and if you’ve lost it, I recommend seeing if you can get it back before losing people. Better to take the good with the bad than feel temporary relief and long term regret over hasty decisions made when your brain was flooding you with negative thoughts and feelings about someone who is probably not all bad or you never would have been friends with them in the first place, would you?
Think before you act. Like is a feeling just as love or hate or dislike are, and feelings pass, so don’t let valuable friendships pass with them. Positive regard doesn’t mean that you like everything about someone or that they like everything about you. It means they love and value you regardless of the things they don’t like; that the good outweighs the bad.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
If it is important to you, then it is also important to your friends; that feeling of security that they can be flawed and imperfect and still know they are safe in your friendship, life and heart.