A few weeks ago I wrote a post called “do you actually always like your friends? Do they actually always like you?” where I pondered the fact that we can sometimes have conflicting feelings bout even our closest friends, because there are always going to be things we don’t like about them despite all the things we do like. Then last week I posted “fanning the flames of friendship fires too fiercely” which likened meeting a new friend to dating, as we try our best to impress one another and find fun friendship dates to go on.
This week, in line with those 2 lines of thought, I wanted to talk about meeting new friends in a similar way to dating too. I don’t mean on friendship websites, although I am happy for you to go ahead and try this avenue. I hope you have better luck than I had when I tried it. What I do mean though, is making sure you don’t just get swept up in someone liking you, and then just going with the flow.
All too often we are so flattered by the attention of a new friend who comes on strong and we feel so validated to be liked and chosen as a friend that perhaps we forget to sit back and ask ourselves if we actually return the feelings. It is easy to tell yourself you like someone, when in reality, you liked the fact that they liked you enough to pursue you and you liked the way being sought after and wanted made you feel.
That’s of course why last weeks message to take things slowly with new people is important, because you can’t always know straight away if you like someone, on the basis that you can’t know someone fully straight away. But more than that, we can’t know if we like them without actively asking ourselves if we do like them. Not only that, but qualifying what we do like about them specifically, besides the fact that they seem to like us!
We aren’t all susceptible to being caught up in this rush however. Some people, usually with lower self esteem, will question the motives of anyone who comes on a bit too strong and it can actually trigger your more avoidant side. These types of people are skeptical and cautious and could potentially miss out on a good opportunity for connection because they also haven’t stopped to question if they like this new person, and if not, what specifically do they dislike?
There are also times when you meet someone perfectly nice, but for some reason, your intuition is niggling at you not to engage. This is different to the scenario above, on the basis that it isn’t because they like you that you’re suspicious, but moreso something about them isn’t lining up with you. Maybe something they said about themselves didn’t align with how they acted, for example. It might only be in small ways, like perhaps they said they lack confidence but then you see them acting in ways which you don’t associate with low confidence. It isn’t your place to tell them how they feel or how confident they are or aren’t – but it doesn’t sit right with you. Even if they just have low self awareness, maybe that is something you find off putting and it is ok if you do.
I once had a new friend who mentioned in casual conversation that she preferred to be friends with people who had less confidence, as they were nicer people and would do more for her, to work harder to keep the friendship. This changed the way I saw her, and made me feel more like her target than her friend, but it also made me more cautious of her motivations and not doing too much for her. That was intuition kicking in and you wont be surprised to learn that the friendship didn’t last very long. Because I listened to my intuition. And directly to what she was telling me she expected from friendship with didn’t align well with my own ideals around the concept.
Not to say this person, or any new friend is bad or toxic or anything else overly negative. Sure, some people are, but most are harmless and think of themselves as good people. Yet, even though most people are good, we are not friends with most people. It is only a select few to whom we give our time and attention and let into our inner worlds. Therefore it seems prudent to be particularly mindful and intentional about who we think is the best man for the job, as the case may be.
https://www.instagram.com/dating.intentionally/p/C24-zquLQbT/?img_index=1
The people who often come in hot pursuit of you are often, not always, but often the types who lack boundaries, and this can catch you so off guard that you forget your own. And, just like with dating, the chemistry can make you a little bit high and therefore not in the best position to judge immediately. We should really have a stage for friendship, similar to dating. Fating? That stage where you are getting to know someone, but you are not exclusive to them, you are careful and a little guarded about sharing too much and you can be excited about them without defining the relationship as a friendship too quickly!
In one of the previous posts I likened making new friends to fishing, and I think sometimes we get so excited we don’t stop to ask ourselves if we are the fish or the baited? Unlike fish however, we do have the ability to free ourselves from the line before it is too late, or the speed at which we are reeled in. We get to decide just as much as the fisherman if we want to be caught, if we think it is a good match, and not only if we can meet their needs and expectations, but if they can meet our own. The best part of this is that it doesn’t have to be a big deal if you realise soon enough that you don’t want to be on the line any longer, because there are always plenty more fish in the sea!
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
