Friendship can be quite like dating in that you meet someone and you feel excited about them and you feel that spark or chemistry. You want to see them again and talk to them again and just get to know them more. You genuinely enjoy their company and find that you are thinking about them or things they mentioned and you might even wonder if they are also thinking about you.
There’s nothing quite as validating as feeling chosen by a new person and the energy new connections bring. Similar to dating you might find yourself actively looking for activities or events you could suggest just for an excuse to see them again or wishing the time away until next weeks spin class if that is where you met them for example. It wouldn’t even be uncommon to be making sure you look extra cute that day even if you are not interested in them as anything more than a friend. Because we do care what people think, particularly when we think highly of them… so taking your new water bottle instead of the old faded one and then questioning if it was too obvious and laughing to yourself about how nervous you are and how stupid it is would not surprise me at all.
The problem with sparks is that they start fires. And fires burn out and often burn people along the way. So while it may feel harmless, or good even, to start landing in each other’s inbox incessantly each day, I would like to warn you to make sure it is a controlled burn. The reason for this is because it takes time to get to know people. You have to know them in a variety of settings before you see all sides of them. Added to which – at first they will be on their best behaviour too initially. You didn’t think her hair was naturally wavy did you? That messy bun was carefully constructed just for you!
Until you have known someone a while, you don’t really know what kind of person they are or if your values align or even if you are compatible. You might find you get close to someone quickly only to cotton on later that they are flakey or dishonest. You might get quite attached and involved before you realise that your religious or political views are opposing. You might not have had time to understand if they really listen or if they have annoying habits like interrupting or always turning the conversations back to themselves.
Once the fire is burning it can be quite difficult to take a step back if you decide you want to, without them noticing the water you are throwing on the flames. Whereas if you ease in, you can just as easily ease out should you start learning things about each other that might be cause for concern.
Those initial sparks and chemistry can cause rose coloured glasses syndrome. This means you can’t see the red flags, and you aren’t looking for them anyway and you really don’t want to see those imperfections. You really hope they don’t see yours either. Yet we all have imperfections – it is just that we take time to trust people enough to expose them. Which is why we also need to take our time getting to know each other before investing too heavily in time, efforts and emotions.
Starting slowly allows you to observe them and make judgements based on what they do, not just what they tell you they do. It also gives you the space to understand how the things you observe about them fit in with your life and how they will impact you. Do you notice that they always suggest a glass of wine, whether you are at a bar, at home, or at an event? How does that sit with you? Does it align with you or do you tend to drink tea or coffee at home socially? Do they notice that you always answer when your kids call and drop everything to go and help them. Will this annoy your new friend eventually or make them feel unimportant to you?
Have you bonded over a situation that might be temporary? For example if are you both newly divorced, perhaps one will begin dating and moving forward again much sooner than the other and you might not have talking about the exes in common anymore. Have you seen how they interact with other people or wait staff or people from diverse backgrounds? Or under stress? Have you understood their expectations of you as a friend? Are they the sort to ask for lots of favours, to borrow money or for you to drive them lots of places?
I suppose what I am saying is that chemistry often leads people to forget their boundaries, and boundaries are better maintained from the beginning than suddenly introduced later, when they start to feel like barriers. If you always welcomed their calls at all hours of the day initially they might not understand when you start to find it intrusive and that can make it hard for you to ask them not to call as often. So it is better not to start something before you know what you are getting into and what you can handle is all I am saying.
They say only fools rush in for a reason. I have played the friendship fool in the past, as I am sure we all have at one stage or another. I have misjudged people early on and had trouble extracting myself eloquently from the entanglements and also have had people misjudge me and get too close for their own comfort, which often leads to heartbreak. Quicksand is quick for a reason. Don’t get stuck in it. Find your footing as you take each step carefully and consistently with consideration.
❤ Love,
Your Best Friend ForNever
xx
